The pleasures of life call to me now as I sit in the walled fortress I have made. The pain, sorrow and regrets of the past, the mortar that holds the stones of the walls together, quiet for now. My thoughts repeat, "Tear down the wall!" "Tear down the wall!" My heart trembles. A broken-winged bird afraid to try and fly, singing a song of freedom.
I was thinking this morning about how a lot of people would consider me to be poor. It's true, I don't have a lot of things other people have and I don't get to do a lot of things other people do, despite this I consider myself to be pretty rich right now. I have a roof over my head and a safe place to sleep. There were several years there that I didn't even have that. I have food in my belly, a pot of coffee, and some cigarettes...it doesn't take much to make me happy. I even have a computer and a phone that I can use to stay in touch with the people that understand me and lift me up when I'm down. Last but not least I have family that I love dearly. I praise and am very grateful to my creator.
I can't believe it has been nine months since my last post. I wish I could say that I've been doing something fun and exciting but that's not the case. I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. My anxiety has been at an all time high and I've gained a ton of weight.
I've often found that talking to a stranger is even more therapeutic than talking to a therapist. So I've decided to start working on this blog again. I am hoping that by talking to you, a stranger, I can find my direction and a little bit of hope
Enjoy life!
I don't know where to begin...let's see...I have taken a break from my religious, metaphysical, and philosophical studies. I am still maintaining my altar and saying prayers, but any further research would only make for confusion. I am also feeling Saturn's influence as it finishes moving in Scorpio and moves into Sagittarius on the 23rd.
I've been doing some soul-searching and I'm trying to clean up some of the cobwebs left hanging onto my ego and will. I am always trying to do and feel better but something inside me keeps me from following up on any of my intentions. I really believe that it is the stuff still clinging on that is holding me back. Regrets cloud my judgement almost everyday.
Check back if you want and see how things are progressing. I hope to get back to posting on a regular basis.
Enjoy Life!
I was reading an article about how the Kabbalistic notion of the kelipot related to autonemous complexes in psychology when I began seeing correlations with these two and the Hindu and Buddhist notion of the Dakini. While continuing to read I started thinking about my notion of having three phases to my life. Why was I trying so hard to find a way to tie everything together? Could it even be done?
I had unconsciously decided that summing it all up into a nice single answer would be the best goal to my just beginning integration phase. But I think I was wrong to do that. I'll never be able to sum it all up, put it in a nice box, tie a pretty ribbon on it, and stand back and say, "Ta, Da! I figured it out!" The more things I draw conclusions on and discover answers for, the more the questions appear.
I am left to speculate on what my end game should be. What could be a reasonable ultimate goal for my life?What could be the outcome from my integrating the two previous phases of my life? Why do I feel like this quest for the ultimate answer has to be achieved before I can fully integrate? I feel as though my integration requires a summation.
My word...
I think I'll go play with Lego's awhile...
Enjoy Life!
Hey guys,
It seems that I am long overdue for a heart to heart with you. I can describe where I am now by saying that these are surely emotionally tumultuous times. I have come to the realization that I think my life will have three stages. First there was the sure young man seeking outward growth, second there was the inner seeker years from which I am now emerging and I think third there will be the integration years where I put the two together toward some goal that I'm unsure of now. This realization has really hit me kind of hard, and I'm trying to get my bearings. I'm scared to death actually, to be honest with you.
What if we could all become our ideal vision of ourselves?
Enjoy Life!
"I continue the search for some elusive key that will unlock an esoteric treasure chest for me..." Jeff Medford (Yeah, I said that...He He)
Surya - The Sun God Chandra - The Moon God
There Are No Limits...
Energy goes where attention goes...
The absence of an impossible way of existing.
I am independent of the good or bad opinion of others.
I am beneath no one, superior to no one.
I am fearless of any challenge. (...said the cowardly lion...)
What extreme energy are you feeling?
Are you not facing the truth about something?
Anything you let go of will soon be replaced by something else...
A glimpse beyond the veil...
Had enough or do you want more? Well, I'll satisfy both audiences by saying that it's been a really tiresome, stress filled day and I actually think that I've had enough, so I'll call it a night. For all you screaming fans, please calm down and rest easy that I will be back. For those of you that could give a rat's ass, well you should. Because in this tiny bit of a Blog Kingdom at least.....This Bitch Rules! Okay, so now I'm having visions of , "The Mouse That Roared"...
Enjoy Life!
Okay, here goes...
That was some dead air...huh? I've recently been through a spiritual, mental, and financial meltdown and had decided that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to write again. I was telling a friend about how I felt and what all I have recently been through and I mentioned that, I couldn't begin to express what I had been experiencing and feeling... Actually I said, "I can't write....no wait, I mean, I'm having difficulty writing (because I'm trying to stop saying I can't...but on with the story), .We both came to the agreement at the same time that I could still write, it was just that I was having trouble right now. A writer's block. Ah, hahhh! That I know how to fix! So that's what finds me here tonight taking my first plunge. The best cure for writer's block is to write...
Enjoy Life!
I just took a look at the postings I had done labeled, "Hepatitis C" and realized that none of them told you that my last treatment had been completely successful. I am cured of Hepatitis C...I don't have it anymore!
My therapist and I are starting to get into some of the issues I still carry from the events that led up to my years of homelessness. We talked about how it would be a good thing to try and find something positive about what happened. She wanted me to find a way to creatively express it. The best way to start the process is for me to make a list of some of my thoughts about the time I spent homeless.
I met two of the dearest, closest friends I've ever had in my life. One with a huge white puff-ball on her head, and the other a little lost girl that played with fire.
I was able to go back to school long enough to learn the computer skills I have now.
I met quite a few extraordinary people. Some who were truly of the earth. Some very brave and courageous. Some had wills of fire, Some were simply noble. Some were bad. Some were downright evil. Some were funny. Some were hilarious, and there were the few that were bat shit crazy.
There's a price for everything. People aren't very willing to do anything for you for free. The key question being, "What's in it for me?"
Unlike Blanche from, "A Streetcar Named Desire," I have not been able to rely on the kindness of strangers
The chilly, rainy days when there was no place to go. When being wet and miserable just had to be accepted. When you're huddled on the doorstep of an out-of-the-way place in town, and things look their bleakest. You realize just how alone you really are.
I had the wonderful opportunity to test my vocation for six months in a Russian Orthodox Christian Monastery that used to be in Georgia.
You ALWAYS have to watch your back.
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“Humanity sits poised at a precipice; in front of us is an indeterminable pathway, behind us is the shell of a decaying age. We are at the crossroads of our experience; already actions, as well as thinking processes are being set which will determine the nature of a new and extraordinary destiny. Our survival as a thinking species and as well all living things upon the Earth now hangs in the mercy of the Winds of Change. Winds that no longer blow quiet warnings, rather they carry with them a somewhat foreboding message and always deliver a swift altering of our contrived reality through extremely volatile occurrences.”
Take a few minutes to think, not of what's waiting for you to do, not what you should do, or what you could have done, but about what pleases you most. Dream a little house, room by room. Dream a walk through the garden you'd love to own, plant by plant. Dream a walk through the woods and the plants and animals you will see. If you love a rainy day dream that you can smell and hear the rain. If you love the lake or the ocean...dream that. Take a minute to let go of the world.
Okay, I've decided to add yet two more deity's to my sadhana...Kali, and Durga. I think I am going to get two thangka to put centrally on my Altar. I also need to get one of Vishnu. I'm going to have to invest in some statuary so I can perform a real puja. Right now I reverence and honor the gods by using the thangka as best as I can. I did a little nosing around into the nature of Samadhi which is an ego transcending state of consciousness. Pretty cool stuff if your interested. I also ran across a really good article by Darity Wesley that you should take a look at. Oracle for August - Authenticity.
Enjoy Life!
I have been doing an incredible amount of research, delving deeply into Hinduism, Tibetan Buddhism, and Tantric Yoga theory. The whole time I've also been bringing up issues from my past that I haven't fully dealt with....the things that I have stuffed. I've had to start working through some of it because in order for them to continue existing within me they have been causing me to subconsciously or unconsciously manifest them in negative thinking and behavior. It's time for me to put them to rest once and for all. Anyway...I got to thinking yesterday about my devotion to Ardhnarishwara. I was considering changing the focus of my Hindu Sadhana (spiritual practice) on Vishnu instead. The more I have contemplated it the more I think I won't change. I will just add more attention to Vishnu. I will probably spend as much time on Vishnu as I spend on Hanuman now. Through all this change and mental activity ( all geared toward reaching my full potential and giving me some clear idea of where I stood spiritually) there has been my Pagan/Wicca beliefs and practices. They have given me a steady foundation from which I could launch myself in any area I saw fit. They supplied me with a trustworthy tether with which I could safely anchor myself. And when I was ready to rest a weary head, they were there to envelop me in a soft blanket made from early summer moss. I am truly grateful. And then there's the moon that keeps me on track with her never ending cycle. Oh, I didn't share this...I can't believe I haven't already mentioned it. The last treatment I went through for the Hepatitis C Virus was successful! I am cured! Isn't that awesome! Well, that's about all that I wanted to share I guess. I'm leaving the fact that I have somehow gotten Bell's Palsy out kind of on purpose...I'm dealing with it quite well and from the very beginning have seen it as the result of some really bad karmic seeds I must have planted in my past. I am thankfully able to see the absurdity of it, and to be able to see irony in it. While writing I have realized something. It is not I who should be pursuing spirituality, but I should be concentrating on increasing my awareness of it already being within me and in letting it manifest in my outward life. Like the old saying...Let Go And Let God...
Enjoy life guys!
