A Letter From The Heart

The other day my friend Poofy and I were talking about our homeless days and the days we shared in a shelter together. Even though we were at rock bottom we had a sense of family at that shelter and we were also able to have good times through the bad, laughter through the tears. We were able to do this through the hard work of some really special people.

I owe a special debt of gratitude to Hospitality House of Asheville; Calvary Shelter; Cyndi Smith, the program director for Calvary Shelter; and to Ms. Pat Bacon, the Minister of Calvary Presbyterian Church. The shelter itself was actually in the basement of her Church.

During my years of being homeless I had almost lost my very humanity. My dignity left on a park bench. My thirst for life itself was almost gone. I don't know what led me to these people but I am overwhelmingly grateful that I was. (Whoever or whatever led me there...Thank You!)

Cyndi Smith, with a heart the size of the sky, helped rekindle the small spark left in my soul and then helped me keep it alive, even through times when she really should have stomped the "far" out of me.

Ms. Pat is simply beyond words. In her soul I can see infinite infinities. I wish everyone could have her look in their eyes and hear her say, "Come here and let me hug that neck." Man...beyond words.

I also want to thank a caseworker named Frances who really went the extra mile with me. Without her I'm not sure I would be doing as well as I am now.

I'm telling you they're like angels on earth. They helped everyone that came through that shelter keep a part of themselves alive that might have otherwise died. We had a home though there was none. From my heart: Thank You...

You Put Your Right Foot In...You Put Your Right Foot Out...

The first thing I want to get off my chest, breath a huge sigh of relief, and move on, is the anger I feel over all the political focus on gay marriage. The forceful attempt to push this one agenda down the nation's throat, has flushed all the years of attempts on the gay rights movement's part to gently nurse and guide our ignorant general public toward any semblance of tolerance, acceptance, and respect right down the toilet. Grammar and punctuation be damned. What the hell happened to trying to make sure we weren't beat to death on the way to the freakin' store? What happened to making sure John wasn't fired from his job because he bats his eyelashes too much and swishes when he walks? Hell, what about those of us that can't find anybody to freakin marry and don't give a shit about it any damned way? God...Okay....

And another damned thing...I'm making a vow, as of this moment (and after I've read the last 3 secrets for inner peace), to end my addiction to self-help books and lists that begin with, "The top # reasons, ways, whatever...". I've paused here at the keyboard in reflection. I was going to rant on about the hogshit the author of this book is trying to sell as the 6th secret. I can't go on though, it's just not worth it. I must have lost a lot of my steam after I got the marriage crap off my mind. God...Okay...

On the subject of books, I usually read several at one time, especially when one is a dreaded self-help book. I have a short attention span, and I easily get bored. In addition to the hogshit secrets, I've been reading a book that has held my attention more than most. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It's, Full Circle, by Michael Thomas Ford. Easily his best book, at one point in the story I was so shocked I wanted to throw the book against the wall, at another I simply had to drop it in my lap in disbelief, and of course there were the obligatory tears at the end. The story does truly come full circle (and to a good ending despite the tears...). God...Okay...Take a deep breath and enjoy life...

The Weight of a Thought

Erlend Mork Gallery

The Show Must Go On

I have something just too rich to tell you tonight. A few weeks ago I decided to once again launch a last ditch effort into the world of dating. I had forgotten the hazards and perils that are involved, as you'll soon see. Heterosexual people think they have it tough; I'm here to tell you they have no clue what it's like for a lesbian or gay man.


I thought, as a way of getting my feet wet, I would download an instant messaging program from a popular gay personals website. Thirty minutes after I had installed it, I had my first message from a guy who lives across town from me. The fella seemed pretty cool, we chatted for awhile, and I start thinking that maybe this idea had been a good one. He asked me if I'd like to meet him. When I told him sure, I had no idea he meant right then...at 3am in the morning...Things went downhill quickly after that. I think his true nature surfaced or something because he got all demanding and accusatory, suggesting that I had somehow led him on. I actually had to shut the thing down to get him to leave me alone. I've since blocked that fool.


The next message came in about fifteen minutes later from bi***** who lives in a small mountain community about an hour west of me. I was on guard from the very beginning because I have no intentions of getting involved with someone who likes to jump the fence. I'm hopelessly polite so I decided to talk with him. As we chatted, I asked if he had a girlfriend and if she knew about this part of his life. He told me yes to both questions and that she had participated on several occasions. I'm sorry, but to me that's kind of creepy. Before I had a chance to regroup and/or react he asked me if I got into bondage. I hesitated. "Ummm, no, I've never really thought about that." He asks, "What if you were the one doing the tying?" I responded, "Uhhh, I dunno..." Mind you this is all happening at the speed of light, the way im's work sometimes. He asks, "Want to see my hot a**?" Before I could say no thank you, there was the little picture link. Now sometimes I can be really stupid, and morbidly curious, this was obviously no exception because I clicked on it...

There he was with his ample backside to the camera, wearing a see-thru flimsy scarf-like skirt that came just to the bottom of his butt cheeks, black garter belt and black stockings, and his girlfriend standing beside him with the biggest dildo I have ever seen. I almost screamed. Now get this, before shutting down and backing away from the keyboard, I typed, "Ummm, nice butt buddy, but I don't think I'm into all that." I spent a good while just repeating to myself, "o my god...o my god..." I haven't gotten my feet wet; I waded in a mudhole. The local gay men's hiking club is looking more and more attractive...Enjoy life...

I Don't Do Stress Or Pain...

I want to apologize for my recent lack of posts. It's been a difficult week and now it seems one of my ears has become infected. It's not easy to type with your head tilted 90 degrees to the right. It's a little disorienting. I had seriously planned on dazzling you with something incredibly witty and/or enlightening but it doesn't look like it's going to happen tonight...I really value all of you returning readers and I definitely don't want you to lose interest. Please check back in the next several days and I'm sure I'll be back to my old self again. Oowww...Enjoy life...

True Friendship

I'd like to share an email I got the other day from my friend Poofy. Poofy by the way, is a nickname I gave her because of the hat she had on the first time I saw her. We met quite a few years ago when circumstances found us both homeless and in the same shelter. We quickly became friends and that friendship has grown through the years. It now sees us both independent and living in our own apartments. I'm not sure where she got this, it doesn't really matter. If you knew both of us though, you'd understand how fitting it is. She really is a true friend and I know she considers me one as well. This is the email:

I'm getting tired of all those namby-pamby, soppy, sickeningly sweet, and completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality. NO ONE is that perfect . . . So, here are promises that really speak to true friendship:

1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use only little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.

This is my oath. To be your friend until the end. Above all remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Another Day in the Life...

Unfortunately, it's been another one of those days where I find myself with nothing to write about. I've surfed the internet and the waves are calm today, nothing much happening that I could see. There has been a development involving the crisis in Darfur. Representatives from the UN, the African Union, and all but one of the rebel factions are meeting in Tanzania to discuss a platform and timeline for peace talks. The SLM, the rebel faction refusing to participate, feels there's no use to discuss politics while the violence is still going on. They say they'll take part in the talks only when they see the UN peacekeeping force. That's a hopeful start to healing I suppose.

I just got a really nice book about butterflies I thought of writing about. It's interesting to know that, as they fly, the flapping of their wings creates little vortexs, little tornadoes, as they flitter along. How cool is that? They have some really wild names too: the red and blue cattleheart, the southern dogface, the harvester, the ruddy daggerwing, the guatemalan satyr, the painted lady, the question mark, the blue crow, okay tell me to shut up.

It seemed though that even with the other ideas I considered today, my mind kept going back to the woods. That sounds kind of strange. I guess I should explain myself. In my hometown you have only to walk out your door to be in the woods. Or at least a short walk away. I grew up in the woods. All my dreams, imagination, creativity, and thoughts about God were born there, and on top of the beautiful mountains surrounding Waynesville, NC.

When I go into the woods I always feel connected to some powerful force of creation, a peaceful nourishing calm force. I can replenish what is depleted while coping with the daily stress in life. Since I've moved to Asheville, it's a little more difficult for me to get back into the woods. Don't get me wrong, Asheville is blessed with an abundance of woodland areas. The problem is I don't drive.

I've found a way to get around that though. I'm not sure if it's because the woods are so much a part of me, or if anyone can do this. I can picture the woods clearly in my mind. I can see the path in; I can see and feel the stones beneath my boots. I can smell the trees and see the creek coming up on my right. The soft cool breeze against my face as I round the bend feeds my soul. I see a fallen tree that calls to me, "Come, sit with me awhile." I hear a small animal scurry away in the bushes as I say, "Let me rest here," and I do. The rest of nymphs and angels. I can feel a sense of peace just writing this. I hope you can too. Take some time this week to go to the woods, even if only in your mind. Enjoy life...