And Days Of Uncertainty

"...a perfect example of a man being how he is because he's always telling himself the story of how he is." From: The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon, by Tom Spanbauer.

I haven't posted in quite awhile because these have indeed been days of uncertainty. I have had things going on in my life that I wasn't ready to deal with myself, much less put into a public forum. What better way could there be to take them out and honestly examine them than to bring them into the light of day; what better way is there to stop them from going round and round in my head like a hampster on an endless exercise wheel?

One of the first things that has really been bothering me is the way people with disabilities and mental illnesses are treated by people in authority. Health professionals, secretarys, bank officials, people who are trained in these matters and ought to know better. My concerns have been trivialized. I have been used and manipulated. Stolen from. Patronized. I'm really so very tired of it. It has happened even from people I thought I could trust and thought were my friends.

The way I was denied pain medication for a legitimate back injury because of my history of narcotics abuse. Unable to look past what was written in my history and into my eyes filled with pain and x-rays showing evidence of the cause. Legitimate medical complaints trivialized and thought to be a symptom of "hysteria" brought about by my problems with anxiety. Leaving a doctor's office feeling as though I had been "blown off" as another stereotypical nutcase, and knowing I hadn't even been heard by one person in that office because of their preconceived notions.

I start my inteferon injections and ribovarin treatment next Monday in an attempt to treat my Hepatitis C. I have a 50% chance of the treatment working and the process has serious side effects. I have to tell you I'm scared. I must tell you, the first thing one of us who suffer from addictions feels, when we're faced with such unpleasant emotions, is to get high and not feel at all. And that has happened to me recently unfortunately. I am tempted. For the first time in years I want to get so high I don't think about it. That scares me worst of all. I am slowly dying from this disease and what do I want to do but speed it along. And quite frankly I want to live.

I think now about all the years I've spent in therapy groups and counseling sessions listening to lectures on learning coping skills. I remember being so defiant, trying not to listen. Saying to myself, "This is a load of horseshit. This could never work. What a crock. These techniques won't work for me. My problems are far worse than the ones they are illustrating." Well, without my knowledge, and certainly without my consent, some of those very techniques seeped in. And I use them almost intuitively now. They have even adapted to my own particular circumstances, and evolved into new ones. Without them I would never make it.

My advice, for anyone reading this that might be starting or is involved in these type therapy sessions and who might be saying the very things I did is, "Shut up! Listen! Fight the idea if you must, but just sit there and listen. And go back and listen some more." One day you might find, as I did, that they just might help you help yourself live.

Enjoy life...

Days Looking Foward

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Oliver Wendell Holmes

Strength. Courage. Pride. Hope. Compassion. These are the things I strive for. Honesty. Integrity. Clarity of vision and thought. I'm certain in the past year I have attained a far greater measure of these qualities than ever before in my life. I suppose it was finally my time. It took a while coming that's for sure. I haven't achieved my full portion, but I'm gettin' closer everyday. It feels really good to finally be able to "feel" some results from all the hard work I've been doing. Continual self-examination and exploration. My true motivations. Focusing on the better parts of myself and weeding out the bad, bit by bit, almost like a sculptor.

I have to really hold on to what I've attained and not let it slip from my grasp. As I go through the coming year, I'll be faced with some serious effort that will require all I've learned. These newly aquired skills and elements are all tender shoots just starting to grow. Far from a mature harvesting age, yet my most important source of strength. Luckily I'm blessed with two of the most wonderful friends anyone could ever hope for. Deep, rich, loyal friendships that I can count on, not only for support but for compassion and understanding. They know what I value and strive for and continually help me hold on to and build to what I've achieved so far. Most importantly I think are their gifts of laughter that add bouyancy and light to counter my darker tendencies. They enjoy life, and they help me enjoy mine. Enjoy yours too...

Turn The Page

I have long held the belief that our concious perception of reality has an altering effect on the way our life unfolds. This is certainly not a new idea, or even one with profound mystical meanings. It's pretty much common sense. If you believe, or at least hope, that good things are going to happen, more than likely, they will. Likewise, if you have a pessimistic attitude, and always expect the worse, of course bad things will probably happen. I am facing two tough challenges in the next few weeks and months. Both have the potential to have very positive outcomes. One, however, has me very concerned. The end result is completely out of my hands. The only things I have control over are; my decision to take a chance on the challenge, and my ability to keep a positive attitude in order to get through it. I'll be starting an Inteferon/Ribovarin course of treatment very soon in hopes of curing my Hepatitis C. I have a 50/50 chance of it working.

Because of this, I've decided to change the focus and style of my blog. This will be the second time that I've changed direction since starting. A large part of my writing during the first month or two was done in journal style posts. I was working through some tough identity issues, a mid-life crisis of sorts, involving my religious beliefs and my sexuality. While writing, I came to what I felt was a healthy new awareness of myself. (And happily still feel that way) My "true-self" had always been there, but it had been suppressed, denied, and even reviled. With my own issues firmly in hand, I started addressing some of the political and humanitarian issues I felt were important. Now, since my earlier writing proved to be so therapeutic, I think it is important for me to withdraw from the larger, public arena, and focus once again on some of my own personal battles.

I look forward to making my first post in this new vein, ironically during a new moon. Enjoy life...