So Tired...

I don't know if I've ever been this tired before. Ever. This past year has been so difficult. I've been through so many changes. I sit here trying to think of the words to describe it all to you so you could really understand and I just can't think of any. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? To look back at my life and realize it's all been meaningless? I look ahead and wonder if trying to make any drastic changes is really worth the effort. Would it make any difference in the grand scheme of my pathetic life? I wonder how much time I actually have left to do anything about anything. That is if I can even figure out what the hell that "anything" really is anyhow. Should I just give up, give in, and ride the rest of it out? What could I ever possibly do that would make all this make sense? What could possibly make up for all the mistakes I've made? How could I ever make up so much lost ground?

The post you have just read was first written on 8/17/08 ! It still exemplifies how I feel right now. It's 11/10/09 and a lot of shit has happened. I could tell ya a few things. Oh, and Tank died...and I never even introduced him to any of you...well shit...he's gone anyway, and it's left a terrible hole in my heart...not to mention Lula's. Poor Lula... These are/were Zebra Tailed Finches I got recently. I'm gonna get back on this blogging stuff. Ya'll take care...Enjoy Life...Ya better!

I Love You

Empty your venom sac into my brain

Hot heat lies and dellusion

They spread into my life threatening obsession and doubt

My expectations flung to the dead end dirt on the side of the road

My pitiful life drunk with self-judgement and abandoned like a beaten dog

I'm chained in the basement of your demonic heart

Your poison feels me with dreams of black clouds and lightning

While I listen for your footsteps on the stairs

Wishing Well

The Airborne Toxic Event

Tao Te Ching Verse XI

Thirty spokes connect to the wheel's hub;

yet, it is the centre hole that makes it useful.

Clay is shaped into a vessel;

yet, it is the emptiness within that makes it useful.

Doors and windows are cut for a room;

yet it is the space where there is nothing that makes it useful.

Therefore, though advantage comes from what is;

usefulness comes from what is not.

The Wisdom of Lao-Tzu
As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

Enjoy Life...

Gunnera

Isan

Gramarye

Remy Zero

On The Corner Of Death And Hell

I sit roasting on my own seat of judgment

condemning myself by the day

Hour by hour,

minute by minute...

This hot shitty stink hole

I live in I refer to as life...

trying my best to get by.

what is happy?

and unhappy?

and why?

does it matter anyhow?

Sometimes I can't wait

for this body to rot

just seep into the ground

a meadow somewhere

a beautiful meadow

Hell is here on this corner I've found

The shackles bind me

they blind me

they're mine

experiment iv

Erlend Mork

Tao Te Ching Verse I

The Tao that can be spoken of is not the eternal Tao.

The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and earth.

The name is the mother of the ten thousand things.
Send your desires away and you will see the mystery.

Be filled with desire and you will see only the manifestation.
As these two come forth they differ in name.

Yet at their source they are the same.

This source is called a mystery.
Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all mystery.

The Wisdom of Lao Tzu

As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

The reason I started doing these posts relating to the Tao Te Ching is because this verse came to mind after a recent conversation with a new acquaintance. We have different theological views. He is Christian and can't seem to tell me about his life without turning the conversation into a discourse on Jesus. I don't really have a problem with that, even though I no longer consider myself to be a Christian. I believe in Christ's teachings and feel they are certainly a way to "heaven;" however, I can't bring myself to believe he is the only way. When he said the only way to heaven was through him, I think he was meaning through living like him, not to the exclusion of other religions that teach the same ideals. I can't bring myself to believe in the Christian idea of hell either, but that's another story.

I had tried to explain to this guy why I preferred to say and hear the name Christ rather than Jesus. I'm sorry to have to say this, but everytime I hear the name Jesus, especially when said with that distinctive southern enunciation, I cringe. One reason has to do with events that occured during the time I was homeless. The other reason is, I feel Christians have taken advantage of the name "Jesus" to get their own way, and they really don't deserve to use the name. I won't even go into how I feel about the way Christians have used the words, "The Bible."

Getting back to the first verse of the Tao Te Ching, I'm still working on the part about desire. This part, to me, is like having a thought, "on the tip of your tongue." Since the ancient Chinese language is less rigid than English; and translating is almost impossible to do without loosing some part of the meaning, it's helpful to read several translations. I found a translation by Ron Hogan that I found slightly different, a little funny, but helpful nonetheless. I thought I'd share the part of verse 1 that speaks of desire with you.

Stop wanting stuff;
it keeps you from seeing what's real.
When you want stuff,
all you see are things.
Those two sentences
mean the same thing.
Figure them out,
and you've got it made.

There is also a translation by Ursula K. Leguin. Her translation puts it this way:

The unwanting soul

Sees what's hidden,

The ever-wanting soul

Sees only what it wants.

Enjoy Life...

The Forgotten Philosopher

"... I need not instruct you of my belief. Time gives all and takes all away; everything changes but nothing perishes. One only is immutable, eternal and ever endures, one and the same with itself. With this philosophy my spirit grows, my mind expands. Whereof, however obscure the night may be, I await the daybreak, and they who dwell in day look for night ... Rejoice therefore, and keep whole, if you can, and return love for love."

Giordana Bruno...16th Century Free Thought Martyr

Such A Long Time

I know. I know. If you drop in on my blog you probably think I no longer write anything. Well, in all honesty, a lot of what I post isn't original writing. It's my blog and I'll blog it like I want... how silly. Anyway, oh look a squirrel!

I just had to post the lyrics from this song. You're probably already familiar with it. It's just great. You know, it's really funny how my creator works in my life. I had been joking with a friend about making myself one of those advertising sandwich boards.

One side was going to display:

I'm Crazy As Hell

And Proud Of It

Oh Yeah, I'm Gay

And Proud Of That Too

Dammit!

Then on the back side it would display:

Fuck Yuns!

Fuck Yuns All!

Dammit!

Then I heard this song on the radio...

Break Your Heart

Oh people downcast in despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder everyday

People struggle
People fight for the simple pleasures in their life
The trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow
Self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
With nothing nice on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless
People cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred
Full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
You know [ a little love survives ]

Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
And don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody's going to choose your side
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
No no...

Natalie Merchant

Enjoy Life...

One Step Closer

Linkin Park

Scratching My Brain Tonight

Back in school I took an algebra class in which we studied systems of non-linear equations and how to graph them. I was under a lot of stress and one day I found a similarity between solving these systems and life. I decided that our life actually was a system of non-linear equations with God forever changing and adding variables. Our purpose was to find our x, y intercept point while maintaining a constant, progressive slope. It made sense to me then and it still does today.

Tonight I was researching the Hepatitis C virus and possible ways to slow down its replication and thereby decrease the resulting liver damage the virus causes. I found that the interactions between the replicating virus, liver cells and different types of immune responses (CTL and antibodies) are highly complex and non-linear. I'm sitting here thinking and scratching my brain.

Have you been tested for Hep C? Trust me, it's a silent killer. If you want to learn more about your liver and Hepatitis C, and I suggest you should, there are some really informative videos here.

Enjoy Life!

What A Day!

I don't know about you guys but I am so glad Obama is our new president. I was watching the inaugural parade this evening and my heart kept swelling. If I had allowed myself I could have started crying. It seems like the whole country is excited and looking to the new president with such hope. Something we haven't had much of in awhile. I can almost imagine what it must have been like when John F. Kennedy was elected.

AND DID YOU SEE THE GAY & LESBIAN MARCHING BAND!!!???!!! And lord honey, weren't those cupcake colored hoop skirts on the ladies(?) that followed the band just the deal??? LOL!!! So cool!!! Yes, the WHOLE country has reason to hope...

Enjoy Life...And Stay Warm (It's extremely cold here!)

A New Direction

I just got finished cleaning up The Conscious Cataclysm and I feel a lot better about it. I've finally decided how I want to organize everything and I think I have a general focus for the blog. Cataclysm will sort of be a journal with my personal thoughts. Thoughts I have about my day to day life. I'll also be sharing some of my music collection. From time to time, I'll be posting pictures and artwork that I find.

I have another blog that is a very slow developing experiment. I'm going to try my hand at writing fiction. There are some pretty interesting characters and it will be sort of like reading a soap opera...if it turns out the way I want. You can find The Abyss Of Awarness at: taofa.blogspot.com

By the way, The Conscious Cataclysm has a new URL. the new address is: tccataclysm.blogspot.com.

Enjoy Life Peoples!

Once Again, Begin Again

Wow, three months have gone by! I didn't even realize it had been that long. I thought that with the beginning of the new year I would start blogging again. Unfortunately, now that I have logged into Blogger, I find myself strangely empty. I decided to go through my music videos and share one with you. The only one that came close to how I'm feeling right now is this one. Like the song, maybe tomorrow I'll start blogging again. I sure hope the coming year is better than this past one...Enjoy life!

Maybe Tomorrow

Stereophonics