Erlend Mork

Gianluca Nespoli



Andrzej Radka

Full Moon In Gemini

It was a clear crisp night for this full moon. It really was pretty. I've been struggling with how to write about what I've been going through the past few months. I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole death thing. It really is more than just that. It's the fact that I'm so dissatisfied with things in my life and I stay so bored all the time. I will be okay and maintain a sense of balance for several weeks and then, Pow! I say "fuck it," get trashed, and try to kill myself. I believe deep down I'm thinking that I'm going to die anyway, why not just get it over with. I think I need a therapist!

I hope you are enjoying the photos and song lyrics and stuff that I've been posting. I may start writing some short stories on here or something. We'll see...

Enjoy Life!

Katerina Lomonosov

Andrzej Kcluk

Czech Professional Photographer

Jan Kruml

http://www.fotokruml.cz/

Twister

I need to hear you say goodbye.

I don't know why I hang around.

You will soothe the pain within my eyes

and then you leave without a sound.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Under the old back porch you knew

I loved you more than there and so,

you will let me fall back on my own

and where you were I'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown

There'll be sun, and

all eyes fall from heaven now.

See that I walk on.

That way.

So to the fall...

all stares, all breaks and no breaths.

Yeah, I walk on through the listen.

So you're sad, I turn away

to find out what I can be and so,

all these colors that shine within my soul,

and all I am, you'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Mmmm... it all works in

all harboured lands.

Something is real here, my

real bonney lass.

Something is real here and it's real there.

It's real here.

Something's habit and some...

some things happen.

Remy Zero

Queen Of Distress

I tried to find a cool quote for the beginning of this post but couldn't find one, so I'll just jump in and write a journal post.

The past few months have been a struggle and it appears the struggle will continue for awhile, but at  least now I have a clear mind...with the emphasis on for now...I feel better able to face things. For the past few months I've been The Queen of Distress, all depressed and complaining. I've decided to work toward finding more harmony in my life, both with others and between me and myself. I think my judgement hasn't been as sound as it should be and I hope now the veil has lifted and things will again be as they seem. I'm going to try and use my intuition more rather than my imagination. Hum...there's a topic in there somewhere.

Enjoy Life!

Third Quarter Moon In Leo

"What we know right now is immediate and personal: how we feel, what we want, whom we love. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. We don't go through life simply making good choices and bad ones. We go through life making who we are. Choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person." Deepak Chopra from "Life After Death"

Song To The Siren

On the floating, shipless oceans

I did all my best to smile

'til your singing eyes and fingers

drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you."

Did I dream you dreamed about me?

Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning,

Broken lovelorn on your rock.

For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow.

Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow."

I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.

I'm as riddled as the tide.

Should I stand amid the breakers?

Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing, "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

This Mortal Coil

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

Edgar Allen Poe

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town

(with up so floating many bells down)

spring summer autumn winter

he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)

cared for anyone not at all

they sowed their isn't they reaped their same

sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few

and down they forgot as up they grew

autumn winter spring summer)

that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf

she laughed his joy she cried his grief

bird by snow and stir by still

anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones

laughed their cryings and did their dance

(sleep wake hope and then)they

said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon

(and only the snow can begin to explain

how children are apt to forget to remember

with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess

(and noone stooped to kiss his face)

busy folk buried them side by side

little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep

and more by more they dream their sleep

noone and anyone earth by april

wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)

summer autumn winter spring

reaped their sowing and went their came

sun moon stars rain

e.e. cummings

Bad Blood

"...Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Going to come back and take you home
I could not stop what you now know
Singing: come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease?..."
Coldplay/A Rush Of Blood To The Head/Clocks

I think I've told you before that I have Hepatitis C and how I've tried the Ribavirin/Inteferon cocktail. After finding out it was unsuccessful, I asked the doctor to tell me honestly how much time she thought I had left. She told me I had 3-5 years of relatively good health followed by 3-5 years of declining health...You have no idea of the range of emotions I have experienced since she told me that unless you're facing your own mortality. The past two years or so since I got the news that I was going to die have been almost unreal.

At first I think I was almost numb. I thought I accepted it and was okay with it. I was actually in the first stage of grieving for myself. I haven't done much reading on the subject of coming to terms with one's own death. I have however read about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and about Dr. Roberta Temes' theory that there are three types of behavior that people who are facing grief and loss go through. I believe both theories to be correct, but it is Dr. Temes' theory that I think fits me most.

The three stages of grief and loss that Dr. Temes wrote about in her book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief," are:

Numbness - the person functions by rote and tends to isolate or form a social insulation.
Disorganization - the person has intensly painful feelings of loss.
Reorganization - the person enters into a more normal social life.

A month ago I tried to kill myself (again). It was only through the help of a friend that EMT's were able to find me and save me. One of the things I promised myself when I was trying to recover from the suicide atempt was that I would start blogging on a more regular basis. I am hoping that I can get into the reorganization stage that Dr. Temes wrote about. The painful feelings I've had are still raw and hard to write about. Someone suggested that I write about it by using the pronoun he, so don't think I've completely gone off my rocker when you read any posts in the coming months. I might just start writing like I was Spooky writing about Jeff! God, sometimes I think I really am off my rocker...

Enjoy Life!

Shackled Alice Encounters Carl Jung

“What youth found and must find outside, the man of life’s afternoon must find within himself” Carl Jung

We spend the early part of our lives involved in education and learning skills. However nobody prepares us for the times when we start examining ourselves, for the times we look deep within ourselves and ask, "Who am I really?" Of particular interest to me are the many contradictory, sometimes conflicting, aspects of my personality.

I'd like to introduce you to several fictional characters and one not so fictional: Audacious Deviant, Jeff, the one and only Shackled Alice, and Spooky.

According to Jung's theories on Archetypes; Audacious Deviant would be my animus (the female), Jeff would be my anima (the male), and Shackled Alice would be my shadow. Spooky seems to have modeled himself after Casper the Friendly Ghost and I suppose would be my self.

Audacious Deviant is a bit prissy. She loves to take long walks in the garden smelling the flowers along the way. She loves going to art galleries, rearranging her furniture, long flowing skirts with army boots, paisley scarves, and gossiping. She's really quite fun and a loyal and faithful friend. She loves animals and has two finches that she named Tank and Lula. She desperately wants a cat or dog but can't afford the upkeep.

Jeff loves to read, write, learn new things, computers, collecting movies, and he loves to laugh though he tends to be a bit depressed sometimes. He searches his soul and deeply examines hisself. He listens to alternative rock, especially the old grunge bands like Sound Garden, Pearl Jam, and Audioslave. On Friday nights you can usually find him dancing at a drum circle. He is the one always trying to figure out which character out of the lot is non-fictional, and is the one who is usually in charge of this blog.

Shackled Alice lives in the shadows of my unconscious and due to her tendency to get the others into trouble, has to stayed chained up there. She is the shadow side of my personality. She has a superior attitude, wears leather and lace, dark eye-liner, has killer tattoos. She loves to wear chains, body piercings, getting high, and can get herself into some seriously fucked-up situations. She also tries to kill herself and all the others when she gets pissed off or depressed. Any man without confidence, upon meeting her walking down the street, would be intimidated and step to the side. It's really a shame she has to stay tethered, and it is Audacious Deviant that lets her loose when Jeff and Spooky aren't aware.

Spooky is hard for me to write about because of his/her androgeny. Spooky really has no gender. He/She follows the moon cycles, checks his/her horoscope when he/she is in doubt, and reads tarot cards. He/She loves to study the different religions and loves it when he/she finds a similarity between them. Spooky is terribly shy but desperately wants to make friends. He/She wants to be able to go out and have fun but finds it difficult. He/She shares Jeff's love of reading and writing and sometimes Jeff lets him help with blogging. You might find Spooky burning Sage and casting a circle on one day and revering Shiva or Christ the next. Spooky was the first archetype Jeff found and that was because of a friend of his.

This post was originally started over a year ago as a draft and I have come back to it several times to add different aspects as I discovered them. The road of self-discovery is a hard but rewarding one and I urge each of you that reads this to take some time and think about the many facets of yourself. You might find the whole idea of archetypes of particular interest.

Enjoy Life!

Lo, Sentient!

Erlend Mork

The Search For Meaning

It was Viktor E. Frankl who wrote, "What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence." I decided to search for some other thoughts on self-transcendence. Here are a few of the things I found.

“He who loses himself will find himself”. Christ

“This process of transcendence is beyond the thinking of the mental man. It finds its existence in the self-giving of the psychic man. The psychic man becomes part and parcel of reality by identifying with reality itself. The thinking man, the doubting man, finds it extremely difficult or impossible to identify himself with that reality” Sri Chinmoy

"Self-transcendence is growing into your unfulfilled potential. Self-transcendence is moving beyond the orbit of your ego into your soul. Self-transcendence is gaining a new concept of self that is much expanded and includes more of the universe. Your little self disappears and is replaced by a vast self as old lines of separation disappear and former distinctions no longer bind you. You are part of much more than you know or imagine. The universe is interconnected. You are part of All That Is. The universe is non-local. You are everywhere. Only in the third dimension do you occupy such a small place in the scheme of things." Leland R. Kaiser

God, I hate facing death...not knowing when it is going to happen. It's driving me nuts. Do I continue to strive for my own potential or do I say, "Fuck it," and stay wasted?

Tao Te Ching

Verse II

All under heaven see beauty as beauty

only because they also see ugliness.

All announce that good is good

only because they also denounce what is bad.

Therefore, something and nothing give birth to one another.

Difficult and easy complete one another.

Long and short fashion one another.

High and low arise from one another.

Notes and tones harmonise with one another.

Front and back follow one another.
Thus, the True Person acts without striving

and teaches without words.
Deny nothing to the ten thousand things.
Nourish them without claiming authority,
Benefit them without demanding gratitude,

Do the work, then move on.
And, the fruits of your labour will last forever.

The Wisdom of Lao Tzu

As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

Enjoy Life...

Recipe For Making Friends

It's simple really...to make friends be a friend...

Bitchology

Being a bitch means…

I stand up for myself and my beliefs. I stand up for those I love. I speak my mind, think my own thoughts and do things my way. I won’t compromise what’s in my heart. I won’t allow anyone to step on me. I refuse to tolerate injustice. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be me.

So try to stomp on me, douse my inner flame, squash every ounce of beauty I hold within…You won’t succeed. If that makes me a Bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and I’m proud to be a Bitch!

Thoughts on Thoughts

I ran across this quote the other day and I thought I'd share it with you. Albert Einstein said, "The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking." It got me thinking about how our thoughts and emotions really do rule our lives. After reading the Einstein quote I decided to go ahead and look for more quotes about our thoughts. I decided to share some of the ones I found interesting.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." Benjamin Disraeli

"It is especially important to encourage unorthodox thinking when the situation is critical. At such moments every new word and fresh thought is more precious than gold. Indeed, people must not be deprived of the right to think their own thoughts." Boris Yeltsin

"You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." James Lane Allen

I hope you found them interesting too.

Enjoy Life!

Fort Cataclysm

It took me 15 minutes to get into my blog account this morning. Now that I've figured out the right set of passwords maybe I can get started journaling again. Sad thing is, now that I've gotten in I don't feel like writing. I think I'll watch "Roman Holiday" instead. Enjoy Life!

The Upcoming Moon

This past new moon I made it a point to cleanse all my crystals and charge them with the thought of helping me to transform myself, to change and feel better about things. With the upcoming full moon it seems that goal is starting to come to fruition. I've only been back in school a week and I can tell how much it is changing me. I'm not only feeling better, but I am starting to think in ways that I did back when I was going to the community college here in Asheville. It has however raised the issue of going to Church. I really miss it. It really is such a conflict for me. I wish I could somehow finally resolve it. Oh well, like one of my favorite songs, maybe tomorrow. Right now I've got my hands full with school. Enjoy Life!

"At every moment you choose yourself. But do you choose your self? Body and Soul contain a thousand possibilities out of which you can build many I's. But in only one of them is there a congruence of the elector and the elected. Only one - which you will never find until you have excluded all those superficial and fleeting possibilities of being and doing with which you toy, out of curiosity or wonder or greed, and which hinder you from casting anchor in the experience of the mystery of life, and the consciousness of the talent entrusted to you which is your I."

Hammarskjold

"It is as hard to see oneself as to look backwards without turning around." Thoreau

An Embodiment of Shiva

Ardhnarishwara

Taking the Plunge

I took the plunge and entered the Art Institute of Pittsburg's Web Design and Interactive Media curriculum. If I don't die first, I'll get my Bachelor's Degree in 1014. I really think I can do it this time. The last time I tried to go back to school I was still homeless, living on the streets and in a shelter. I expect it's going to get tough but hey, anything worth having is worth a little struggle.

"Yesterday's thoughts have created your present. Today's thoughts are creating your future."

James Newman

I have no clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, that's when you discover the stars.

Nancy Willard

Some Affirmations

I'm the captain of my own ship and I know the way.

It's my time to shine and I will step into the sun.

I have free choice in all I am, do, and have.

I will radiate warmth and enjoyment. Life is fun.

You are part of the plan, we need your spark.

I will joyfully transform my own life and destiny.

Chinese Goddess of Prosperity

Tank 2.0

Okay, so I got a new bird to replace Tank. Since Tank and Lula were names from a favorite series of books I've read, I didn't want to change the name of the male that had died. I decided to name the new male, Tank 2.0. And he sure is a bright, cocky, improvement over the old Tank and it was no time before Lula was sitting on several eggs. On New Year's Eve they hatched two babies...New year babies, how 'bout that?