Gianluca Nespoli

Wojciech Grzanka

Marcin Sacha

Wojciech Grzanka 

Bhaisajyaguru

The Medicine Buddha

Tao Te Ching Verse VIII

The highest good is like water.

For water benefits the ten thousand things without striving.

It settles in places that people avoid and so is like the Tao.

In choosing your home look to the land.

In preparing your heart go deep.

In associating with others value gentleness.

In speaking exhibit good faith.

In governing provide good order.

In the conduct of business be competent.

In action be timely.

Then there is no strife, nothing goes amiss.

Tao Te Ching Verse VI

The valley spirit never dies.

It is the unknown first mother,

whose gate is the root

from which grew heaven and earth.

It is dimly seen, yet always present.

Draw from it all you wish; it will never run dry.

Chenrezig

Chenrezig (Avalokiteshvara) is the Bodhisattva of Compassion. A bodhisattva is an enlightened being who has decided to delay becoming a fully enlightened Buddha for the sake of all beings.

Om mani padme hum! (Hail the jewel in the lotus),

Ardhnarishwara

Ardhanarishvara represents the synthesis of masculine and feminine energies of the universe.

Thanksgiving

O God, Who holdeth in Thy right hand all the ways of man's life: I thank Thee for all Thy visible and secret goods, for earthly life and for the heavenly joy of Thy future Kingdom. Pour forth richly Thy grace, in the future as well, on us who sing to The : Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

I was born on earth as a feeble and helpless child. From that moment Thy love shines in all my ways and miraculously guides me into the light of eternity. For that my soul lauds Thee and hails Thee with all who know Thee:

Glory to Thee Who hast called me into life.

Glory to Thee Who art revealing to us the beauty of the universe.

Glory to Thee Who art opening to us heaven and earth as an eternal book of wisdom.

Glory to Thy eternity in the passing world.

Glory to Thee for Thy covert and overt mercies.

Glory to Thee for every sigh of my heart.

Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

O King of ages, Who by the power of Thy salvific providence, holdeth in Thy right hand all the ways of man's life: I thank Thee for all Thy visible and secret goods, for earthly life and for the heavenly joy of Thy future Kingdom. Pour forth richly Thy grace, in the future as well, on us who sing to Thee: Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

Taken from "The Akathist of Thanksgiving" by Hieromartyr Grigori Petroff

What Does Your Future Hold?

Bliss Torn From Emptiness

Loneliness

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."  Orson Welles

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved."  Mother Teresa of Calcutta

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."  Dag Hammarskjold

"The person that tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echos of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration."  Pearl S. Buck

"For some people solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves. For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves."  Eric Hoffer

Okay, it's pretty bad when you start looking for quotes about loneliness.  I'm feeling bored and lonely so I guess I'll do a journal post. There really hasn't been that much going on.

I'm kind of in a limbo state as far as the new treatment I'm going to be going through goes. The new treatment is so much harder than the last one, the doctor said we really have to cross our t's and dot our i's before we start it. Once you start it you can't quit. If you quit you can never have the treatment again. The body can only handle this particular protease inhibitor once. It's looking like December before I'll get to start. I have to tell you that with everything I've heard, I'm scared to death. I'm trying my best to get psyched up for it, but it's really difficult after having failed with the last treatment. The first three weeks were pure hell. After that it was like I was coming down with the flu for fourty-five weeks.

I had thought that I was going to have to get rid of Tank and Dozer (my two zebra finches) but all is well now and I get to keep them. I know it sounds silly but I love having them here with me. They're so fun to watch and I love hearing them ring their bells.

The weather today is just about perfect. It's about 79 degrees right now and tonight it will probably get down to around 60 degrees. You can't get any better than that. I really should be outside enjoying it. I wish I had someone that would go with me and motivate me. God, I want a cigarette. Sorry that just slipped out!

Okay, so I'm gonna get off here and do something....I don't know what....I'm enjoying an old Pink Floyd album so I might draw for awhile.

Enjoy Life!

Tao Te Ching Verse V

Heaven and earth are not moved

by offerings of straw-dogs.

The True Person is not moved

by offerings of straw-dogs.

The space between heaven and earth

is like a bellows.

It is empty and yet never exhausted.

The more it works the more comes out.

Many words lead to exhaustion.

Better to hold fast to your centre.

Marcin Sacha

What had that flower to do with being white,

The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?

What brought the kindred spider to that height,

Then steered the white moth thither in the night?

What but design of darkness to appall? -

If design govern in a thing so small

Robert Frost

Antoneta Wotringer

Gianluca Nespoli

Tao Te Ching Verse IV

The Tao is like an empty bowl,yet it may be used

without ever needing to be filled.

It is the deep and unfathomable

source of the ten thousand things.

Blunt the sharpness.

Untie the knot.

Soften the glare.

Settle with the dust.

It is hidden deep yet ever present.

I do not know whose child it is.

It existed before the common ancestor.

Marcin Sacha

Tao Te Ching Verse III

Not exalting the talented prevents rivalry.

Not valuing goods that are hard to obtain

prevents stealing.

Not displaying desirable things

prevents confusion of the heart.

Therefore, the True Person governs

by emptying the heart of desire

and filling the belly with food,

weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.

If the people are simple and free from desire,

then the clever ones never dare to interfere.

Practise action without striving

and all will be in order.

The Zealous

Erlend Mork

Bells In Our Hearts

"It is said that the Tao Te Ching can not be understood any more than you can understand a river. If you wish to experience the river you must jump in. Many things in the Tao Te Ching will confuse you.The confusion is not to be conquered. It does not result from a lack of knowledge. This confusion is a teacher that can teach you about yourself, your story, your people, your world and the still point of the universe to which we give the crude name - the Tao.

There are no footnotes of commentary here. These words of the Tao are to be hung like bells in our hearts and rung by the motions we make as we move through our daily lives. Any other sounds make it difficult to hear the bells.

The Tao is universal. It is not Chinese. Its is found in the quest of Christian mystics, native Americans, Zen monks, desert holy men, and indeed in every culture and age in the story of the earth. Before this story began and after it ends there is the Tao. It consists of stillness and silence and it will enter into any quiet heart."

From the preface of the Tolbert McCarroll translation.

Tao Te Ching Verse II

All under heaven see beauty as beauty

only because they also see ugliness.

All announce that good is good

only because they also denounce what is bad.

Therefore, something and nothing give birth to one another.

Difficult and easy complete one another.

Long and short fashion one another.

High and low arise from one another.

Notes and tones harmonise with one another.

Front and back follow one another.

Thus, the True Person acts without striving

and teaches without words.

Deny nothing to the ten thousand things.

Nourish them without claiming authority,

Benefit them without demanding gratitude,

Do the work, then move on.

And, the fruits of your labour will last forever.

Pearl Said It

"Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought."  Pearl S. Buck

 "Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness."   Pearl S Buck

"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream -- whatever that dream might be."  Pearl S. Buck

 "I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels."  Pearl S. Buck

"One faces the future with one's past."  Pearl S. Buck

"Sorrow fully accepted brings its own gifts. For there is alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmitted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness."  Pearl S. Buck

 "Every mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied."  Pearl S. Buck

Experiment V

Erlend Mork

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Maya Angelou

Getting Mentally Prepared

It won't be long before I start another round of treatment to try and get rid of my Hepatitis C. As I've posted before I've gone through the treatment once already and didn't beat the virus. This time around they are adding a protease inhibiter to the standard Inteferon and Ribavirin. From what I understand the triple therapy is twice as hard as the course of treatment I went through the first time, and the first time was really super hard for me.

Before I started treatment the last time, I got myself all geared up and ready to beat the disease. I was super positive and all gung-ho. "I'm gonna beat this thing, just wait and see." Then after 48 weeks of increasingly good test results, bam, they weren't good enough and the virus started replicating again. I was so upset and even embarrased. Embarrased because of all the talk I did about how I was beating it and all.

This time I'm having a really hard time getting into the right frame of mind to make it through the 48 weeks. I know what it's like to get let down when it doesn't work. I keep telling myself that I really don't have an option. I've got to try it again. Still, there's a part of me that is doubtful. I wonder if I should really put myself through all that again. What if it doesn't work again this time?

I guess I will try and think of the treatment as a battle between the bad virus thingys and the good medicine thingys...The virus thingys having holed up in my liver and the medicine thingys trying to get in and destroy them. A bit simplistic I know but it worked for me the last time. When you're too sick and tired to get out of bed it's best to keep it simple in my opinion.

I was actually in bed thinking about all this and couldn't sleep, so I got up and started writing. I think now I've exhausted all my thoughts about the treatment. At least for tonight.

Enjoy Life...

Dead Letter And The Infinite Yes

I found a letter it read

"Our existence has serious side effects"

Turned on, turned on the television

It's telling me the world is collapsing

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad?

And my therapist said

"We've evolved through a series of accidents"

There's been talk of chemical imbalances

Restless sense of detachment, nausea and or violence

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

I feel it coming, I think it's real and significant

I think I think I think a little too often

That's what my therapist said

We're alone in this wilderness

Left to choke on the pills and to feed on the viruses

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Wintersleep

Garden Of Exile

In the garden of exile,

You can never leave,

Apparently there's a back gate,

But I just don't believe it,

It's designed in such a way,

That each path eventually,

Leads you back to where you started,

In never ending aisles,

Walking

In the garden of exile.

In the garden of exile,

The exile sleep all day,

A flock of birds crosses the sky,

And the gulls the other way,

I rest my hand,

In the cool of the shade,

There's nothing but a humming,

As it crosses the tile,

In the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

In the garden of exile,

Our fathers built,

Statues of all the nation's heroes,

In the tops of the hills,

Everything's done before us,

Everything is will,

The future is the past,

There'll be no thinking for a while,

No thinking in the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

Toby Martin

Gianluca Nespoli

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe



In Your Skin

Lifehouse

The Man Who Planted Trees

In a gentle way you can shake the world.

Gandhi

I saw an extraordinary film about the life of Elzeard Bouffier, a humble shepherd who turned a wilderness into a lush forest. In a lifetime spanning two World Wars, while madmen killed each other for worldly power, this individual quietly and anonymously brought his world back to life, planting one acorn at a time. He not only created natural beauty, but contributed to healing an entire town that had fallen into despair?one man, working gently, living day to day seeding love wherever he went.

Each of us has a forest we can plant to bring our world back to life. Our trees may not be spruces; they may be children, songs, art, ideas, massage, repairs, writing, or any other gift that comes to us and through us.

What impressed me most about Elzeard Bouffier was the humility with which he conducted his forestry ministry. He was silent most of the time, he did not seek acknowledgment and never asked anyone to follow him. He simply knew what he had to do and went about the business of doing it.

I met Scott and Helen Nearing, the famous couple who initiated the back-to-the-land movement in the 1930s. Although the Nearings had well-paying jobs and comfortable city lives, they moved to the mountains of Vermont, grew organic food, heated with wood, and nurtured their land. At the time, they were laughed at and criticized. Now they are considered pioneers and virtual saints. I asked Helen, “How do you feel now that so many are doing what you began? ”

“It’s wonderful, ” Helen answered, “but that’s not why we did it. We did what we had to because it was right for us. If no one else ever followed, it would have been just as right. ”

What is your forest? How can you bring your world back to life? Begin today, one acorn at a time.

I pray to restore my world with color and beauty.

I bring my world to life.

This meditation is an excerpt from Alan Cohen's meditation book, "A Deep Breath of Life".

Where The Sidewalk Ends

 There is a place where the sidewalk ends

And before the street begins,

And there the grass grows soft and white,

And there the sun burns crimson bright,

And there the moon-bird rests from his flight

To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

And the dark street winds and bends.

Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow

We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And watch where the chalk-white arrows go

To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know

The place where the sidewalk ends.

Shel Silverstein



Street Song Serenade

A Second Chance

How many journal posts have I started by saying how long it has been since the last post? It's funny....but I'm going to have to do it again. It sure has been a long time. I have momentous news though and I thought I'd do a blog post.

My gastroenterologist is going to let me go back through the Interferon and Ribavirin treatment for my Hepatitis C. I came very close to getting rid of the virus when I went through the treatment the first time. However, if even one of the microorganisms is left it will quickly start to replicate again as mine did. This time through the treatment the doctors are adding a protease inhibitor called telaprevir. It's supposed to have a very high success rate and I'm feeling very, very hopeful. I feel the best psychologically right now that I've felt in a long time. I feel like I've been given a second chance and I have some motivation back. Now, as I look back, I realize that I've just been drifting through life not really caring about things. I knew I was dying and that idea consumed me.

Along with the constant thoughts about dying I have had a sense of shame about having this disease. I have felt that when people hear that I have Hep C, they think I must have been doing something shady or nasty to catch it. It is true that I could have been living with the virus since the 80's when I was into intraveneous drug use and shared needles. It's also just as possible I caught it by sharing razors with a lover I think might have been infected back in the 90's. Regardless of how I might have caught it, I have a second chance now of getting rid of it.