Alone With Me

Okay get ready folks.....actual words of my own for a change. I always say this, but it's been awhile. A lot has happened. The best way I can politely put it is that I have been going through quite a bit of psychodrama....and I have to admit I brought it on myself. Is it possible I was trying to teach myself a lesson? The reason I ask is because out of all this mess I am finding a new clarity and a new strength that I haven't drawn from in a long time. It also helps that I have got two of the best friends that anyone could ever hope for. I mean that even deeper than the words convey. In addition I have my Aunt and Sister who have and ever will be fighting in my corner with me. I can't forget my therapist who I think really, really, truly, is beginning to understand me and my psychiatrist who is working with me and changing my life.

It's also too early really for me to say anything, but I think I've met someone with potential....someone I would feel comfortable if things developed between us.An interesting development to say the least. Especially since it's happening just as I'm coming out of a soul-shaking fiasco. We'll see....and I'll keep you posted....keep your fingers crossed for me. A prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.

Enjoy Life!

PS: I'm actually going to go to an early morning meditation meeting....I don't really know what to expect but I'm going with it. At 7:15 am I might add.....oh my.....

Holding Together

Blessed Are You

Blessed are you who understand beforehand the temptations and flee from things that are alien from the way.

Blessed are you who are mocked and are not respected because of the love your master has given you.

Blessed are you who weep and are oppressed by those who have no hope, for you will be released from all bondage.

Watch and pray that you may not remain in the flesh, but that you may leave the bondage of the bitterness of this life. And when you pray, you will find rest, for you have left pain and reproach behind. When you leave the pains and the passions of the body, you will receive rest from the Good One. You will reign with the King, you united with him and he with you, from now on and forever. 

Amen

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

Crazy Baby

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As you light your twenty seventh cigarette

Oh how long have you been sittin' in the darkness?

You forget

Oh you know you're gettin' really hard to be with

And you're cryin' every time you turn around

And you wonder why you cannot pick your head up

Off the ground

Oh my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And they look at you like they don't speak your language

And you're living at the bottom of a well

And you've swallowed all the awful bloody secrets

But you can't tell

Oh, you know you ought to get yourself together

But you cannot bear to walk outside your door

No, you cannot bear to look into the mirror

Anymore, anymore

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As your worries crawl around inside your clothes

Oh, how long will you be sittin' in the darkness?

Heaven knows

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

Joan Osborne

A Prayer For Today

O Lord God,

you who are above all the great eternal realms,

you who have neither beginning nor end,

bestow upon us a spirit of knowledge

for the revelation of your mysteries,

to come to a knowledge of ourselves:

where we have come from,

where we are going,

and what we should do in order to live.

 

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

 

Scott

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street

Handing tickets out for God

Turning back she just laughs

The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand

In the auditorium

Looking on she sings the songs

The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real

Lying here with no one near

Only you and you can hear me

When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

You had a busy day today

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

"Tiny Dancer"

Elton John

Shane

Are you strong enough do you feel my touch you are the comfort in my eyes

Moving through the lust feeling dangerous I want to open the door to your life

The steps we take on the way to free our minds

And lives have changed by the way we free our minds

And being with you was the moment I opened my eyes

When you sleep at night are your dreams delight do all your fantasies fill your head

I want to dance with you with the midnight moon one in motion and do it again

Breathin in breathin out your love

Breathe it in breathe it out my love

Breathin in breathin out your love

Coming closer now to this love we found are you able to take this flight

It's come down to this the first time we kissed like the ocean we sway you and I

Buckcherry

"Opened My Eyes"

Deep Deep Down

Deep deep down
Do you really have any idea
Deep deep down
The final solution is seldom near, seldom clear

Deep deep down
Do you really have any Revelations?
I think it was a mistake
Deep deep down
Nothing ever comes fast enough for you

So take some fortune, some fame
But it never fills the hole for long
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory

Stuck in illusion
Where nothing's coming fast forever
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory
Then deep deep down,

After countless lifetimes
You see the cause of all your discontentment
You finally can be alone,
For once in a lifetime, you've got nothing to prove
It's called freedom

From "Deep Deep Down" by Love And Rockets

Konrad Wyrebek

Omega

What a skeletal wreck of man this is.

Translucent flesh and feeble bones,

the kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tomes.

Running rampant with free thought to free form, in the free and clear.

When the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a

laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, now.

We all have a little sin that needs venting,

virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems are ripped

from the branches of office, do you know what your post entails? 

Do you serve a purpose, or purposely serve?

Wind in doubt inside your atavistic allure, the value of a summer spent, and a winter earned.

For the rest of us, there is always Sunday.

The day of the week the reeks of rest, but all we do is catch our breath,

so we can wade naked in the bloody pool, and place our hand on the big, black book.

To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers.

A vacation is a countdown, T-minus your life and

counting, time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube,

and hope you get a taste.

WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR?

WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?

SHUT UP!

I can go on and on, but let's move on, shall we?

Say, you're me, and I’m you, and they all watch the things we do,

and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs,

haven’t felt like this in years.

The great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse... Let me go,

and plunge me into the dead spot again.

That’s where you go when there’s no one else around,

it’s just you, and there was never anyone to begin with, now was there?

Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse,

and a finger on the trigger.

CLASSIFIED MY ASS! THAT’S A FUCKING SECRET, AND YOU KNOW IT!

Government is another way to say better…than…you.

It’s like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won’t stick,

it’s like a whole other world where you can smell the food,

but you can’t touch the silverware.

Huh, what luck. Fascism you can vote for.

Hmph, isn’t that sweet?

And we’re all gonna die some day, because that’s the American way,

and I’ve drunk too much, and said too little,

when your gaffer taped in the

middle, say a prayer, say a face, get your self together and 

See what’s happening.

SHUT UP! 

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

I’m sorry, I could go on and on but

it's time to move on so... 

Remember: you’re a wreck, an accident.

Forget the freak, your just nature.

Keep the gun oiled, and the temple cleaned; shit snort,

and blaspheme; let the heads cool, and the engine run.

Because in the end, everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.

Stone Sour

Rick Du Boisson

Bother

Wish I was too dead to cry

My self-affliction fades

Stones to throw at my creator

Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be 

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care

If indeed I cared at all

Never had a voice to protest

So you fed me shit to digest

I wish I had a reason;

my flaws are open season

For this, I gave up trying

One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived

A zombie hides my face

Shell forgotten

with its memories

Diaries left

with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;

I don't need to be

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on:

I'll never live down my deceit

Stone Sour

Black Swan

What will grow crooked, you can't make straight

It's the price you gotta pay

Do yourself a favour and pack you bags

Buy a ticket and get on the train

Buy a ticket and get on the train

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

People get crushed like biscuit crumbs

And laid down in the bitumen

You have tried your best to please everyone

But it just isn't happening

No, it just isn't happening

And it's fucked up, fucked up

And this is fucked up, fucked up

This your blind spot, blind spot

It should be obvious, but it's not.

But it isn't, but it isn't

You cannot kickstart a dead horse

You just crush yourself and walk away

I don't care what the future holds

Cause I'm writin' out today

With your fingers you can touch me

I'm your black swan, black swan

But I made it to the top, made it to the top

This is fucked up, fucked up

You are fucked up, fucked up

This is fucked up, fucked up

Be your black swan, black swan

I'm for spare parts, broken up

Thom Yorke

One's Title

The Conscious Cataclysm 

An Apperception Of I

Conscious:

Aware of one's own existence, sensations, thoughts,surroundings.

Fully aware of or sensitive to something.

Having the mental faculties fully active, and aware of what one is doing.

Cataclysm:

Any violent upheaval.

Apperception:

Conscious perception.

The act or process of apperceiving, or perceiving.

The manner in which we receive a thing into our minds.

The Conscious Cataclysm is a place where I can share the things I'm feeling and what I'm learning about myself. Who I am, and why I'm here. My impressions are often cryptic, coming slowly and quietly, brought on by poems, song lyrics, or artwork. Other times; however, my feelings come quickly and violently brought on by a painful memory.

A Prayer For Today

Emotion regulation is a big part of my life. In order to do that I have to first identify the prompting event, my interpretation of the prompting event, and the emotion it creates. I also have to watch the action urge the emotion causes. Every impression that comes in from without, be it a sentence which we hear, an object of vision, a scent or a touch, no sooner enters our consciousness than it is drafted off in some determinate direction or other, making connection with the other materials already there and thus interpreting it. The interpretation of these impressions or prompting events produces an emotion and in turn a reaction. The particular connections it strikes into are determined by our past experiences and memories. The whole process happens so quickly it generally creates an automatic feeling, without us even thinking about it. A prompting event doesn't have to be an impression from our physical environment. It can also be a memory, a thought, or even another feeling. It is the interpretation of the event that prompts the emotion, and an emotion creates an action urge.

Some, if not all, of my posts are done in an effort to deal with the emotions created by some prompting event in my life.

Srimati Radharani

Autumn Leaves

Clint Hudson

There Will Be No White Flag

My whole life has been fraught with struggles, obstacles, and hardships. I had one strike against me even as I was born. Back in 1961 there was still a stigma attached to having a baby out of wedlock. I was a bastard child. To this day I don't even know who my Father was. On top of that I had an absent Mother. It was really not her fault though. She had to work at two sometimes three jobs just to have enough money to raise me. The responsibility fell to my Grandmother and young Aunt. Both my Mother and Grandmother are gone now and I miss them terribly. When my Aunt passes away I will be alone.

Shortly before puberty I realized that I had a second strike against me. Even before I knew what a homosexual, a fag, or a queer was, I knew I was different. I was attracted to the other boys in gym class and I was sexually active with two brothers that lived close to me. I was pretty much in love with the older brother who was three or four years older than me.

In my teenage years not only was I ostracized for being different, I became painfully aware of my family's poverty. I couldn't dress like the other kids. My activities were severely limited because we just didn't have enough money for me to do any extracurricular things. I was also too embarrassed to invite anyone to my home.

The only thing that gave me any direction was when I became old enough to work. I found work to be the only way I could ameliorate my living conditions. I worked hard for years but never got very far. The best I ever did was making it into restaurant management. Unfortunately to alleviate some of the pain in high school I had become addicted to drugs. Third Strike.

Bad decisions on my part caused me to become homeless several years ago. I was on the streets for about five years or so, wandering, lost. I've never given up though. I have fought the fight. Now I have a place to live. Granted it's in Government Assisted Housing but I've made my apartment a wonderful sanctuary designed for peace, harmony, and tranquility. A haven in the ghetto. I have to endure some pretty messed up neighbors but I'm used to that from my time on the streets. Once I get inside my apartment however all that fades away. I light my candles and listen to some great music and I'm truly home.

   

Casting A Circle

Face North And Say The Following As You Make Your Way Around The Circle Clockwise Three Times...

Use your Athame to "draw" the circle as you go around. It gives you a tool to help you visualize the circle as you are casting it. Most people use a dagger that they have cleansed. I use a Rowan Branch because it is said to protect and control the senses from enchantment and beguiling. It is a very magical tree used for wands, rods, amulets and spells.)

I usually have candles in the four directions that I light as I'm going around.

Maiden, cast your circle white

Weave a web of healing light

round and round the circle cast

joing present, future past

Mother, cast your circle red

weave a strand of family threads

sacre space shaal mow be boung

as I make this circle go round

Old Crone, cast your circle black

weave the wisdom that we lack

thrice the circle cast this night

now begins my mystical rite

I conjour thee, circle of power

be a boundary, protection,

and a meeting place between the physical and ethereal.

A guardian that shall preserve

and contain the power which I shall raise within thee,

wherefore do I bless and consecrate thee

By this time you should have made you way three times around the circle stopping facing North.

Take your Athame and raise your hands to the air. Bring your Athame down, visualizing a bubble that you are creating around the Circle. Say:

As Above

So Below

Facing North say:

Strengthen candle while burning bright

bind this circle tight tonight

candle burning bright

representing the element Earth

my circle tonight you will girth

I invite thee

Facing East say:

Powers of the East wind, Air

Breathe in us a hope to share

with loved ones who have gone before

that now we will unite once more

I invite thee

Remember to do this clockwise

Facing South:

Powers of the South and Fire

flame our passions, not our ire

guard us, guide us on our quest

in the future to be our best

I invite thee

Facing West:

Water and the western powers

let us know the strength that's ours

cleanse our minds and set us free

negative powers you now make flee

I invite thee

Facing North again:

Mother Nature, show the way

help us keep in mind each day

oh powers of the North and Earth

when there's death, there's rebirth

I invite thee

Now your Circle is cast. I usually spend some time meditating then I do a tarot reading for myself or anyone else that has asked me for one.

To close the Circle say these words as you are making you way around the circle counterclockwise. Use your Athame like you did to open the Circle.

Facing North:

Powers of Earth, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing West:

Powers of Water, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing South:

Powers of Fire, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing East:

Powers of Air, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing North again and using your Athame say:

Circle round, Now be unbound

As I make my way around

I now dissolve this sacred space and sen all powers back to place

Stay if you can, go if you must

with perfect love

and perfect trust

My work is finished for this night

Now I end my mystical rite

Going three times around counterclockwise. using your Athame, say:

The Circle is open but unbroken

So Mote It Be

The Circle is open but unbroken

So Mote It be

The Circle is open but unbroken

So Mote It Be

Russians On The Subway

Were You Born Between 1945 And 1965?

If you were have you been tested for Hepatitis C?

Hepatitis C is a liver disease that results from infection

with the Hepatitis C virus. The disease can cause serious

health problems including liver damage, cirrhosis, liver

cancer and even death. In fact, Hepatitis C is a leading

cause of liver cancer and the leading cause of liver transplants.

People with Hepatitis C:

• Often have no symptoms

• Can live with an infection for decades without

feeling sick

• Can be successfully treated with medications

Why should baby boomers get tested 

for Hepatitis C?

More than 75% of adults with Hepatitis C are baby boomers.

Baby boomers are people born from 1945 through 1965.

Most of them don’t know they are infected.

• Baby boomers are five times more likely to be infected

with Hepatitis C.

• Liver disease, liver cancer, and deaths from Hepatitis C

are on the rise.

• As baby boomers age, there is a greater chance that

they will develop serious, life-threatening liver

disease from Hepatitis C.

• Testing people in this generation will help them learn

if they are infected and get them into lifesaving care

and treatment.

• Early diagnosis and treatment can help prevent liver

damage, cirrhosis, and even liver cancer.

Why do baby boomers have such high 

rates of Hepatitis C?

The reason that baby boomers have the highest rates of

Hepatitis C is not completely understood. Most boomers

are believed to have become infected in the 1970s and

1980s when rates of Hepatitis C were the highest. Since

chronic Hepatitis C can go unnoticed for up to several

decades, baby boomers could be living with an infection

that occurred many years ago.

Hepatitis C is primarily spread through contact with

blood from an infected person. Many baby boomers could

have gotten infected from contaminated blood and

blood products before widespread screening of the blood

supply began in 1992 and universal precautions were

adopted. Others may have become infected from

injecting drugs, even if only once in the past. Still,

many baby boomers do not know how or when they

were infected. 

What should baby boomers know 

about Hepatitis C?

Hepatitis C is a liver disease that results from infection

with the Hepatitis C virus. The disease can cause serious

health problems including liver damage, cirrhosis, liver

cancer and even death. In fact, Hepatitis C is a leading

cause of liver cancer and the leading cause of liver transplants.

People with Hepatitis C:

• Often have no symptoms

• Can live with an infection for decades without

feeling sick

• Can be successfully treated with medications

CDC now recommends that 

anyone born from 1945 through 

1965 get tested for Hepatitis C. 

Is there a test for Hepatitis C? 

Yes. There is a simple blood test to determine if a person 

has ever been infected with the Hepatitis C virus. 

 

Hepatitis C is not easily transmitted through sexual contact.

The Best Kind Of Laughter

Wishing

This Is Why We Fight

Come the war

Come the avarice

Come the war

Come hell

Come attrition

Come the reek of bones

Come attrition

Come hell

This is why

Why we fight

Why we lie awake

And this is why

This is why we fight

When we die

We will die

With our arms unbound

And this is why

This is why

Why we fight

Come hell

Bride of quiet

Bride of all unquiet things

Bride of quiet

Bride of hell

Come the archers

Come the infantry

Come the archers

Of hell

This is why

Why we fight

Why we lie awake

This is why

This is why we fight

And when we die

We will die

With our arms unbound

And this is why

This is why we fight

Come hell

Come hell

This is why

Why we fight

Why we lie awake

This is why

This is why we fight

When we die

We will die with our arms unbound

And this is why

This is why we fight

So come to me

Come to me now

Lay your arms around me    

And this is why

This is why

We fight

Come hell

Come hell

Come hell

Come hell

The Decemberists

September In Yellow

Patsy Dunn

Fishing In The Online Dating Pond

I use words to bait my hook,

With precision do I work,

Using words to camouflage my baggage,

I cast my line,

And I wait,

Like any fisherman,

I wait,

I feel a tug,

I jerk my pole to hook him in,

I ease up and start talking,

Will he take my words as I say them,

The repartee a give and take,

The line a colloquy of desire,

He breaks free,

I'm left with my words,

My longing my only reward

Evanescent Dreams

I woke from a dream,

Lingering traces of the emotions with me,

The music of flutes and drums in my mind,

Dancing, jumping, twirling,

Suspended in the air,

I sing in the wind,

Evanescently

Ben

His sparkling eyes smile at me,

My heart dances with the wind,

I tell him he brought the rain,

A sign of good fortune,

We walk and talk,

He listens and replies with perfect words,

My soul is pierced with longing,

He takes my hand and guides me,

Taking me to the place I dream of,

His face, his chest,

All of him I touch,

Burning them into my memory,

There is no time,

The past, the present, the future,

All in a never ending now

Wearing The Inside Out

From morning to night I stayed out of sight

Didn't recognize I'd become

No more than alive I'd barely survive

In a word...overrun

Won't hear a sound

From my mouth

I've spent too long

On the inside out

My skin is cold 

To the human touch

This bleeding heart's

Not beating much

I murmured a vow of silence and now

I don't even hear when I think aloud

Extinguished by light I turn on the night

Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life

My nervous system all awry

I'm wearing the inside out

Look at him now

He's paler somehow

But he's coming round

He's starting to choke

It's been so long since he spoke

Well he can have the words right from my mouth

And with these words I can see

Clear through the clouds that covered me

Just give it time then speak my name

Now we can hear ourselves again

I'm holding out

For the day

When all the clouds

Have blown away

I'm with you now

Can speak your name

Now we can hear

Ourselves again

Pink Floyd

Live The Questions

“I would like to beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart And try to love the questions themselves… don’t search for answers which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way to the answer.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke

Amy Markham

At The Moment...

My focus needs to be on my goals and desires, rather than my fears and worries. I see some challenges in the road ahead, but I'm making them out to be far more dangerous or risky than they really are. I need to have faith in my inner vision. I need to stay true to my mission....whatever that is....

Enjoy Life!

The Upcoming New Moon

Midday Friday, a New Moon occurs, marking the beginning of a new cycle. The Cancer New Moon cycle ends and the Leo New Moon cycle begins. I have always loved the New Moon because I feel like it is a time for regeneration and starting things anew. A time for planning new goals and starting new projects. I really feel an urge right now to break free from some of the things that have been restricting me. I wish I could totally redesign my personality. I want to break free from this small, limited life that I've built for myself. I have really got to start taking some steps toward developing some real life friendships, and in order to do that I'm gong to have to develop some interests and hobbies other than searching for God and the meaning of my life all the time. Above all else, I think my attitude about myself has to change. I have such a negative self-image.

If you have an interest in personal development, I'd like to suggest two sites that I've found most helpful. I am, however, one of those people that resist change. My development has been, and is, a very slow, arduous journey. Like I've said before, I'm a work in progress...

Zen Habits

Urban Monk

Enjoy the New Moon!

The Happiest Day

The happiest day -- the happiest hour

My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,

The highest hope of pride and power,

I feel hath flown.

Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;

But they have vanish'd long, alas!

The visions of my youth have been-

But let them pass.

And, pride, what have I now with thee?

Another brow may even inherit

The venom thou hast pour'd on me

Be still, my spirit!

The happiest day -- the happiest hour

Mine eyes shall see -- have ever seen,

The brightest glance of pride and power,

I feel- have been:

But were that hope of pride and power

Now offer'd with the pain

Even then I felt -- that brightest hour

I would not live again:

For on its wing was dark alloy,

And, as it flutter'd -- fell

An essence -- powerful to destroy

A soul that knew it well.

Edgar Allan Poe

 Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

Seeking Beauty

To seek after beauty as an end, is a wild goose chase, a will-o'-the-wisp, because it is to misunderstand the very nature of beauty, which is the normal condition of a thing as it should be.  Ade Bethune

I get a daily meditation from a website called Living Life Fully and this morning's meditation was just too good not to share....I hope it's not copyright infringement but I decided to share it with you in it's entirety. If you'd like to read more meditations or inspiring quotations you can go to Living Life Fully . You could also sign up to receive their daily email like I do. Give this meditation some serious thought...

Today's Meditation:

We all are beautiful. It's just too bad that most of us can't see the beauty in each other, or in ourselves. We've been taught to look for flaws, so our personal searches for beauty have become searches for flawlessness rather than searches for the beautiful. If our goal is to make ourselves beautiful, we're wasting our time. We're already beautiful, whether we're willing to admit it or not. We've just put up so many barriers to our beauty over the years in the form of biases and beliefs and walls to protect ourselves that our beauty simply isn't the part that's most obvious--our protective layers are.

Our normal condition is beauty. There really isn't more to it than that. What we tend to believe is beauty, though, is what our society deems to be beautiful, some sort of ideal that only a very few reach. This is a crock, quite simply. Some of the most beautiful people I've ever met have been those who are completely fine with themselves the way they are, and they focus on things other than trying to reach that ideal--things like helping others and nurturing themselves and giving and caring.

Are you seeking beauty in yourself? Well, it's already there, and it's fabulous. Are you seeking beauty in others? Again, if you're not seeing it then it's not because it isn't there, because it most certainly is there. And if you can't see it, then you must ask yourself: are you seeking beauty, or are you seeking an ideal? Because there's plenty of the former, yet very little of the latter.

When we misunderstand what beauty is, then we doom ourselves to looking for something that we'll never find. It's like searching for diamonds, but not knowing what they look like. We may see many of them, but never recognize them. When you really do open your mind enough to actually see the beauty in the people and the world around you, and in yourself, your world will transform, and you'll find that your life will transform, also.

Questions to consider:

From where do we get our ideas of what beauty actually is? Why do most of us not recognize true beauty when we see it? How can we go about learning to understand more clearly and accurately just what beauty is?

For further thought:

The fact that we can't see the beauty in something doesn't suggest that it's not there. Rather, it suggests that we are not looking carefully enough or with a broad enough perspective to see it.  Richard Carlson

Again, give a thought to signing up for the daily meditations. I've found myself eager to read mine each morning.

Living Life Fully

Tending The Garden

If I imagine my mind to be a garden, I would have to say that it is a work in progress like any garden. A garden is never quite "done." You are always rearranging, adding new things, and there's the day to day maintenance that you have to take care of. In the garden of my mind I think the weeds are ferocious and sometimes they get away from me. At the moment I have them under control, but I am constantly having to get rid of them. It's a lot easier to get rid of them as they sprout rather than later when they have taken hold and resist being pulled out. There's also an empty spot in my garden of the mind....waiting to be filled with something I haven't found yet. I keep putting things there to try them out but they never take hold and grow to fruition. I keep searching...

How's your garden growing?  

Dariusz Klimczak

Her Name Is Alice

                               ("If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense")

("Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't")

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time
And every creature lends themselves to change your state of mind
And the girl that chased the rabbit, drank the wine, and took the pill
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels

To stand outside your virtue
No one can ever hurt you
Or so they say

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming, she knows

Sometimes the curiosity can kill the soul but leave the pain
And every ounce of innocence is left inside her brain
And through the looking glass we see she's painfully returned
But now off with her head I fear is everyone's concern

You see there's no real ending
It's only the beginning
Come out and play

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning for you

This kingdom,
Good riddance,
Good freedom
And innocence
Has brought this whole thing down

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into to the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning

("Red nights, white knights, marching into the fight")
("Drink me, shrink me, fill me to sink me")
("Red nights, white knights, marching into the fight")
("Drink me, shrink me, fill me to sink me")

She's unlocked the meaning for you

("And contrariwise, what it is it wouldn't be")
("And what it wouldn't be it would")
("You see?")

Shinedown

The Hand Of Fatima

The Face Of Your Fellow Man

"Your fellow is your mirror. If your own face is clean, the image you perceive will also be flawless. But should you look upon your fellow man and see a blemish, it is your own imperfection that you are encountering - you are being shown what it is that you must correct within yourself."  Baal Shen Tov

Henry David Thoreau

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.

Dariusz Klimczak

Life Path Number 7

Recently I had trouble trying to come up with a way of introducing and describing myself online. It's a weird coincidence that when I did an online numerology reading today I got a bit of a shock. The reading describes me completely. It's almost uncanny. So I decided to write a description of myself using the information I received. Here we go...

I am a searcher and a seeker of the truth. I have a clear and compelling sense of myself as a spiritual being. As a result, my life path is devoted to investigations into the unknown, and finding the answers to the mysteries of life. I am well-equipped to handle my task. I possess a fine mind; I am an analytical thinker, capable of great concentration and theoretical insight. I enjoy research, and putting the pieces of an intellectual puzzle together. Once I have enough pieces in place, I am capable of highly creative insight and practical solutions to problems.

I enjoy my solitude and prefer to work alone. I need time to contemplate my ideas without the intrusion of other people's thoughts. I am a lone wolf, a person who lives by my own ideas and methods. As a result, close associations are difficult for me to form and keep. I need my space and privacy, which, when violated, can cause me great frustration and irritation. I associate peace with the unobtrusive privacy of my own world. Therefore, intimacy is difficult for me, because I guard my inner world like a mother lion does her cubs.

All this privacy and aloneness causes isolation and loneliness, however. I am aware of emptiness in my life, the part of me that yearns for company and close companionship is unsatisfied.  

For what it's worth, I'm working on the isolation business. I felt like writing tonight but couldn't think of much I wanted to say so I came up with this little exercise just to have something to do....

Enjoy Life!

Leisha Monet

Walking The Path

"...Through constant engagement, the gates of Light and doors of wisdom will appear to all who walk on the path of God in wholeness, whose soul craves nearing the King's Hall. Hence, blessed will be all who volunteer to engage in his wisdom for even an hour or two a day, every day. The Creator adds an act to a good thought, and it will be regarded as standing, always and everyday, in the Lord's Court and His Abode..."

The Rav Raiah Kook

Amy Markham

Take Flight

I took a nap after I posted my last post and I had an incredibly lucid dream. In the dream I was confronting a large group of people that were giving me a hard time because of my stand on a conflict that was going on. They were also making comments about the fact I was gay and shouldn't be listened to. In the dream I stood up on a ledge in front of all of them and loudly told them exactly how I felt and ended by telling them all to go to hell. Something that in real life I could never, ever do. I am afraid of any form of conflict. But here's the incredible part...instead of storming off, I took flight and flew off. It felt completely natural. I knew exactly how to turn my body to navigate above the crowd, houses, trees. It was awesome! It felt so exhilarating and liberating. I was in complete control.

I woke up as I was beginning to soar above a beautiful forest. I immediately sat completely upright and said aloud, "Oh my god, I just had a flying dream!"

The excitement and joy I felt has stayed with me all day. I decided to research what flying dreams might mean. I could already kind of figure out what the dream had meant because of the parallels between the dream and my real life, but I wanted confirmation. I was exactly right and then some. On one dream interpretation site it said that the ability to control my flight is representative of my own personal sense of power. The flight might suggest that I am on top of a situation, that I have risen above something. A liberation from something that's been troubling me. It might also mean that I have gained a new and different perspective on things.

I found that the sky might symbolize consciousness and spirituality so to dream of flying might represent the expansion of my awareness and the unfolding of my higher self. The thought of which is really exciting and encouraging.

Take it with a grain of salt, but I've always felt that our dreams hold the key to what's really going on with us. Our subconscious releasing itself and working things out for us in our sleep. Most of the time I'm unable to figure out what my dreams mean other than to know, "Oh, well that was just a stress dream" as I put it. But with a dream like I had last night it is obvious to me that this was one that had a lot of meaning. I hope all of you get a chance to fly in a dream sometime in the future. Even if you don't, do like I'm going to try and do...

Take flight in your life!

Experiment IX

Erlend Mork

The Point In The Heart Awakens

I just finished watching my third lecture on Kabbalah and I think I might have stumbled onto something that will resolve the spiritual conflict I've felt for so many years. I'm taking a twelve week course from the Bnei Baruch Kabbalah Education Center. The word Kabbalah means "to receive" and it is a method to develop a direct, conscious connection with the Creator. In the first lecture we were taught that there comes a time in a man's life when he becomes aware of a desire to know and connect with God. In Kabbalah this is called "the point in the heart". When this "point in the heart" is awakened his desire for spirituality increases and he begins his journey to connect with his Creator. According to Kabbalists this eventually leads us to Kabbalah. Tonight I sat down and tried to pinpoint when I first became aware of my "point in the heart" and the journey I've been on that has lead me to where I am today.

When I was a child I was sent to a Southern Baptist Church every Sunday and, being the good student that I've always been, I learned everything I could and easily believed in the existence of God and Jesus. When I got a little older I was allowed to decide if I wanted to continue to attend church. I was a little tired of the threat of going to hell so I quickly decided not to go. I spent the next thirty or so years pursuing life on my own. However, the things that I had been taught about God were still with me. I just didn't think about them. It was when I became homeless in 1998 that I seriously started thinking about God again. I had to have something, some form of outside strength, to get me through it. I couldn't endure that kind of suffering alone.

I began to examine the protestant beliefs I had been raised with. There were several things that I just couldn't accept; I couldn't believe that all homosexuals were going to hell, I couldn't believe that everyone who wasn't Christian was going to hell, and I had issues with the whole idea of hell anyway. I decided to explore other religions. I studied Hinduism and Buddhism. I became pagan and lived like a hippy for awhile. I went to Native American gatherings and was even acknowledged and honored by the Elders at one gathering for saving the ceremonial fire from going out one night. I got involved with a lot of the new age movement. I collected crystals and stones (which I still do....) and worked on my chakras. I was learning and growing spiritually. 

There was and still is a Protestant Mission in town that runs a shelter for the homeless. I had avoided staying there, but there came a time when I was forced to stay there. Every night the residents have to go to Chapel and have a church service. God, how I hated it. As a consequence, even now, I cringe slightly when I hear the name "Jesus" said in that Southern Baptist kind of way. Anyway, they had a drug and alcohol program there and the "program" guys got to sleep in comfortable rooms as opposed to a communal room with cots. They also didn't have to leave the building every morning at 6:00 regardless of the weather. This might have been wrong of me, but I saw the program as a way to get myself off the streets. I didn't lie about my drug and alcohol abuse but I did lie about my spiritual beliefs.

When I learned that part of the Mission's program required you to find a church and become a member I really got worried. As I look back though I can see that my Creator had a plan. I tried every protestant church in town to no avail. I couldn't stand them and the feelings of living a lie were almost unbearable. Through a set of circumstances that I won't go into now, I was introduced to the Russian Orthodox Church. I was blown away. Their teachings on homosexuality were somewhat more tolerable too. I was taught that it wasn't a sin to be homosexual, but it was a sin to express it. I had been in the closet for years so I thought I could accept that. If I slipped up I could always go to confession and receive absolution. I converted and was baptized into the Orthodox faith. I even went so far as to enter one of their monasteries here in America and almost became a monk. A little of that story is in my profile I think. A lot of the first part of this blog involves the struggles I had after I left the monastery and eventually left the Church.

I didn't realize when I started this post just how long it was going to be. If you're still reading at this point, I appreciate it....thanks! I'm going to try and wrap it up...

After roughly ten years homeless, I finally obtained housing. My body found a home but my "point in the heart" still hadn't. I've been in my apartment for about seven years now. During this time I have tried to incorporate the beliefs I had from all the different faiths into one. It hasn't been easy and I can tell you now that it hasn't been very successful. 

I've finally decided that all religions should be regarded as mythology. I believe that all these spiritual, religious myths are built on a lot of common, undeniable truths. And I also believe that the ideas taught in Kabbalah are the framework upon which all the religions are based. I hope that as my studies continue I find this to still be true...     

Enjoy Life!

With The New Moon In Leo

A journal post is long overdue, so I guess I’ll write one. I should try and describe the feelings I’m having of trying to climb, crawl, scratch, and claw my way out of the wreckage of my life into a life of higher purpose.

Should I tell you all my past regrets? Should I make this a confession of some kind?

   

It’s all between me and the people that I have hurt….My Mother, who I loved beyond description, but with whom I could not develop any type of close relationship with? My Mother passed away quite a few years back, so making amends is impossible. My Father, who might not have passed yet, but who might as well have…for you see, I never knew him…..never even knew his name. I carry my Mother’s last married name. Not even her maiden name, but the last name of a man who was not my Father. My Grandmother, who loved me maybe even more than my own Mother? You might as well say I used all the love see had and then abandoned her. A shell of the person she ever was….constantly looking for me, seeing me even in strangers and other random people until the day she died.

There are other people that I have involved in my egoistic evolution. My regrets cause me to have an intense, almost irresolvable, sense of guilt, shame, and regret. The same strong emotions that have led me to attempt suicide on numerous occasions. Dreadful memories of past events haunt my sleep and flash into my mind during my days. It's almost as if I have PTSD... 

What do you make of it? A melancholy mess…one with no mercy of redemption or resolution because I can't seem to forgive myself, I can't seem to get over the embarrassing things I've done. A situation that won’t be resolved until there is an ending to it.  Death being what I mean.

But, I, as the one who has been the chief player in all these events, would like to know how I am ever to face my creator with all this madness shrouding me, and flowing along behind me like a bridal veil…an eternal cloth covering my stinking, rotting, corporal body…dragging itself to my maker.

I’m throwing myself into the study of Kabbalah in an effort to change my perception of reality, to try and actualize the point in my heart that yearns for my creator. I hope for comfort and peace.

Dirty Little Secret

Sarah MacLachlan

Don't Hold Me Back

Alex Cornish

Breaking The Bonds

Tom Acevedo

Sri Yantra

Indecent