9/29/12
9/19/12
Bother
Black Swan
9/17/12
One's Title
The Conscious Cataclysm is a place where I can share the things I'm feeling and what I'm learning about myself. Who I am, and why I'm here. My impressions are often cryptic, coming slowly and quietly, brought on by poems, song lyrics, or artwork. Other times; however, my feelings come quickly and violently brought on by a painful memory.
Emotion regulation is a big part of my life. In order to do that I have to first identify the prompting event, my interpretation of the prompting event, and the emotion it creates. I also have to watch the action urge the emotion causes. Every impression that comes in from without, be it a sentence which we hear, an object of vision, a scent or a touch, no sooner enters our consciousness than it is drafted off in some determinate direction or other, making connection with the other materials already there and thus interpreting it. The interpretation of these impressions or prompting events produces an emotion and in turn a reaction. The particular connections it strikes into are determined by our past experiences and memories. The whole process happens so quickly it generally creates an automatic feeling, without us even thinking about it. A prompting event doesn't have to be an impression from our physical environment. It can also be a memory, a thought, or even another feeling. It is the interpretation of the event that prompts the emotion, and an emotion creates an action urge.
Some, if not all, of my posts are done in an effort to deal with the emotions created by some prompting event in my life.
9/16/12
9/15/12
There Will Be No White Flag
My whole life has been fraught with struggles, obstacles, and hardships. I had one strike against me even as I was born. Back in 1961 there was still a stigma attached to having a baby out of wedlock. I was a bastard child. To this day I don't even know who my Father was. On top of that I had an absent Mother. It was really not her fault though. She had to work at two sometimes three jobs just to have enough money to raise me. The responsibility fell to my Grandmother and young Aunt. Both my Mother and Grandmother are gone now and I miss them terribly. When my Aunt passes away I will be alone.
Shortly before puberty I realized that I had a second strike against me. Even before I knew what a homosexual, a fag, or a queer was, I knew I was different. I was attracted to the other boys in gym class and I was sexually active with two brothers that lived close to me. I was pretty much in love with the older brother who was three or four years older than me.
In my teenage years not only was I ostracized for being different, I became painfully aware of my family's poverty. I couldn't dress like the other kids. My activities were severely limited because we just didn't have enough money for me to do any extracurricular things. I was also too embarrassed to invite anyone to my home.
The only thing that gave me any direction was when I became old enough to work. I found work to be the only way I could ameliorate my living conditions. I worked hard for years but never got very far. The best I ever did was making it into restaurant management. Unfortunately to alleviate some of the pain in high school I had become addicted to drugs. Third Strike.
Bad decisions on my part caused me to become homeless several years ago. I was on the streets for about five years or so, wandering, lost. I've never given up though. I have fought the fight. Now I have a place to live. Granted it's in Government Assisted Housing but I've made my apartment a wonderful sanctuary designed for peace, harmony, and tranquility. A haven in the ghetto. I have to endure some pretty messed up neighbors but I'm used to that from my time on the streets. Once I get inside my apartment however all that fades away. I light my candles and listen to some great music and I'm truly home.