Wishing

This Is Why We Fight

Come the war

Come the avarice

Come the war

Come hell

Come attrition

Come the reek of bones

Come attrition

Come hell

This is why

Why we fight

Why we lie awake

And this is why

This is why we fight

When we die

We will die

With our arms unbound

And this is why

This is why

Why we fight

Come hell

Bride of quiet

Bride of all unquiet things

Bride of quiet

Bride of hell

Come the archers

Come the infantry

Come the archers

Of hell

This is why

Why we fight

Why we lie awake

This is why

This is why we fight

And when we die

We will die

With our arms unbound

And this is why

This is why we fight

Come hell

Come hell

This is why

Why we fight

Why we lie awake

This is why

This is why we fight

When we die

We will die with our arms unbound

And this is why

This is why we fight

So come to me

Come to me now

Lay your arms around me    

And this is why

This is why

We fight

Come hell

Come hell

Come hell

Come hell

The Decemberists

September In Yellow

Patsy Dunn

Fishing In The Online Dating Pond

I use words to bait my hook,

With precision do I work,

Using words to camouflage my baggage,

I cast my line,

And I wait,

Like any fisherman,

I wait,

I feel a tug,

I jerk my pole to hook him in,

I ease up and start talking,

Will he take my words as I say them,

The repartee a give and take,

The line a colloquy of desire,

He breaks free,

I'm left with my words,

My longing my only reward

Evanescent Dreams

I woke from a dream,

Lingering traces of the emotions with me,

The music of flutes and drums in my mind,

Dancing, jumping, twirling,

Suspended in the air,

I sing in the wind,

Evanescently

Ben

His sparkling eyes smile at me,

My heart dances with the wind,

I tell him he brought the rain,

A sign of good fortune,

We walk and talk,

He listens and replies with perfect words,

My soul is pierced with longing,

He takes my hand and guides me,

Taking me to the place I dream of,

His face, his chest,

All of him I touch,

Burning them into my memory,

There is no time,

The past, the present, the future,

All in a never ending now

Wearing The Inside Out

From morning to night I stayed out of sight

Didn't recognize I'd become

No more than alive I'd barely survive

In a word...overrun

Won't hear a sound

From my mouth

I've spent too long

On the inside out

My skin is cold 

To the human touch

This bleeding heart's

Not beating much

I murmured a vow of silence and now

I don't even hear when I think aloud

Extinguished by light I turn on the night

Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life

My nervous system all awry

I'm wearing the inside out

Look at him now

He's paler somehow

But he's coming round

He's starting to choke

It's been so long since he spoke

Well he can have the words right from my mouth

And with these words I can see

Clear through the clouds that covered me

Just give it time then speak my name

Now we can hear ourselves again

I'm holding out

For the day

When all the clouds

Have blown away

I'm with you now

Can speak your name

Now we can hear

Ourselves again

Pink Floyd

Live The Questions

“I would like to beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart And try to love the questions themselves… don’t search for answers which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way to the answer.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke

Amy Markham

At The Moment...

My focus needs to be on my goals and desires, rather than my fears and worries. I see some challenges in the road ahead, but I'm making them out to be far more dangerous or risky than they really are. I need to have faith in my inner vision. I need to stay true to my mission....whatever that is....

Enjoy Life!

The Upcoming New Moon

Midday Friday, a New Moon occurs, marking the beginning of a new cycle. The Cancer New Moon cycle ends and the Leo New Moon cycle begins. I have always loved the New Moon because I feel like it is a time for regeneration and starting things anew. A time for planning new goals and starting new projects. I really feel an urge right now to break free from some of the things that have been restricting me. I wish I could totally redesign my personality. I want to break free from this small, limited life that I've built for myself. I have really got to start taking some steps toward developing some real life friendships, and in order to do that I'm gong to have to develop some interests and hobbies other than searching for God and the meaning of my life all the time. Above all else, I think my attitude about myself has to change. I have such a negative self-image.

If you have an interest in personal development, I'd like to suggest two sites that I've found most helpful. I am, however, one of those people that resist change. My development has been, and is, a very slow, arduous journey. Like I've said before, I'm a work in progress...

Zen Habits

Urban Monk

Enjoy the New Moon!

The Happiest Day

The happiest day -- the happiest hour

My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,

The highest hope of pride and power,

I feel hath flown.

Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;

But they have vanish'd long, alas!

The visions of my youth have been-

But let them pass.

And, pride, what have I now with thee?

Another brow may even inherit

The venom thou hast pour'd on me

Be still, my spirit!

The happiest day -- the happiest hour

Mine eyes shall see -- have ever seen,

The brightest glance of pride and power,

I feel- have been:

But were that hope of pride and power

Now offer'd with the pain

Even then I felt -- that brightest hour

I would not live again:

For on its wing was dark alloy,

And, as it flutter'd -- fell

An essence -- powerful to destroy

A soul that knew it well.

Edgar Allan Poe

 Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

Seeking Beauty

To seek after beauty as an end, is a wild goose chase, a will-o'-the-wisp, because it is to misunderstand the very nature of beauty, which is the normal condition of a thing as it should be.  Ade Bethune

I get a daily meditation from a website called Living Life Fully and this morning's meditation was just too good not to share....I hope it's not copyright infringement but I decided to share it with you in it's entirety. If you'd like to read more meditations or inspiring quotations you can go to Living Life Fully . You could also sign up to receive their daily email like I do. Give this meditation some serious thought...

Today's Meditation:

We all are beautiful. It's just too bad that most of us can't see the beauty in each other, or in ourselves. We've been taught to look for flaws, so our personal searches for beauty have become searches for flawlessness rather than searches for the beautiful. If our goal is to make ourselves beautiful, we're wasting our time. We're already beautiful, whether we're willing to admit it or not. We've just put up so many barriers to our beauty over the years in the form of biases and beliefs and walls to protect ourselves that our beauty simply isn't the part that's most obvious--our protective layers are.

Our normal condition is beauty. There really isn't more to it than that. What we tend to believe is beauty, though, is what our society deems to be beautiful, some sort of ideal that only a very few reach. This is a crock, quite simply. Some of the most beautiful people I've ever met have been those who are completely fine with themselves the way they are, and they focus on things other than trying to reach that ideal--things like helping others and nurturing themselves and giving and caring.

Are you seeking beauty in yourself? Well, it's already there, and it's fabulous. Are you seeking beauty in others? Again, if you're not seeing it then it's not because it isn't there, because it most certainly is there. And if you can't see it, then you must ask yourself: are you seeking beauty, or are you seeking an ideal? Because there's plenty of the former, yet very little of the latter.

When we misunderstand what beauty is, then we doom ourselves to looking for something that we'll never find. It's like searching for diamonds, but not knowing what they look like. We may see many of them, but never recognize them. When you really do open your mind enough to actually see the beauty in the people and the world around you, and in yourself, your world will transform, and you'll find that your life will transform, also.

Questions to consider:

From where do we get our ideas of what beauty actually is? Why do most of us not recognize true beauty when we see it? How can we go about learning to understand more clearly and accurately just what beauty is?

For further thought:

The fact that we can't see the beauty in something doesn't suggest that it's not there. Rather, it suggests that we are not looking carefully enough or with a broad enough perspective to see it.  Richard Carlson

Again, give a thought to signing up for the daily meditations. I've found myself eager to read mine each morning.

Living Life Fully

Tending The Garden

If I imagine my mind to be a garden, I would have to say that it is a work in progress like any garden. A garden is never quite "done." You are always rearranging, adding new things, and there's the day to day maintenance that you have to take care of. In the garden of my mind I think the weeds are ferocious and sometimes they get away from me. At the moment I have them under control, but I am constantly having to get rid of them. It's a lot easier to get rid of them as they sprout rather than later when they have taken hold and resist being pulled out. There's also an empty spot in my garden of the mind....waiting to be filled with something I haven't found yet. I keep putting things there to try them out but they never take hold and grow to fruition. I keep searching...

How's your garden growing?  

Dariusz Klimczak

Her Name Is Alice

                               ("If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense")

("Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't")

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time
And every creature lends themselves to change your state of mind
And the girl that chased the rabbit, drank the wine, and took the pill
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels

To stand outside your virtue
No one can ever hurt you
Or so they say

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming, she knows

Sometimes the curiosity can kill the soul but leave the pain
And every ounce of innocence is left inside her brain
And through the looking glass we see she's painfully returned
But now off with her head I fear is everyone's concern

You see there's no real ending
It's only the beginning
Come out and play

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning for you

This kingdom,
Good riddance,
Good freedom
And innocence
Has brought this whole thing down

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into to the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning

("Red nights, white knights, marching into the fight")
("Drink me, shrink me, fill me to sink me")
("Red nights, white knights, marching into the fight")
("Drink me, shrink me, fill me to sink me")

She's unlocked the meaning for you

("And contrariwise, what it is it wouldn't be")
("And what it wouldn't be it would")
("You see?")

Shinedown

The Hand Of Fatima

The Face Of Your Fellow Man

"Your fellow is your mirror. If your own face is clean, the image you perceive will also be flawless. But should you look upon your fellow man and see a blemish, it is your own imperfection that you are encountering - you are being shown what it is that you must correct within yourself."  Baal Shen Tov

Henry David Thoreau

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.

Dariusz Klimczak

Life Path Number 7

Recently I had trouble trying to come up with a way of introducing and describing myself online. It's a weird coincidence that when I did an online numerology reading today I got a bit of a shock. The reading describes me completely. It's almost uncanny. So I decided to write a description of myself using the information I received. Here we go...

I am a searcher and a seeker of the truth. I have a clear and compelling sense of myself as a spiritual being. As a result, my life path is devoted to investigations into the unknown, and finding the answers to the mysteries of life. I am well-equipped to handle my task. I possess a fine mind; I am an analytical thinker, capable of great concentration and theoretical insight. I enjoy research, and putting the pieces of an intellectual puzzle together. Once I have enough pieces in place, I am capable of highly creative insight and practical solutions to problems.

I enjoy my solitude and prefer to work alone. I need time to contemplate my ideas without the intrusion of other people's thoughts. I am a lone wolf, a person who lives by my own ideas and methods. As a result, close associations are difficult for me to form and keep. I need my space and privacy, which, when violated, can cause me great frustration and irritation. I associate peace with the unobtrusive privacy of my own world. Therefore, intimacy is difficult for me, because I guard my inner world like a mother lion does her cubs.

All this privacy and aloneness causes isolation and loneliness, however. I am aware of emptiness in my life, the part of me that yearns for company and close companionship is unsatisfied.  

For what it's worth, I'm working on the isolation business. I felt like writing tonight but couldn't think of much I wanted to say so I came up with this little exercise just to have something to do....

Enjoy Life!

Leisha Monet

Walking The Path

"...Through constant engagement, the gates of Light and doors of wisdom will appear to all who walk on the path of God in wholeness, whose soul craves nearing the King's Hall. Hence, blessed will be all who volunteer to engage in his wisdom for even an hour or two a day, every day. The Creator adds an act to a good thought, and it will be regarded as standing, always and everyday, in the Lord's Court and His Abode..."

The Rav Raiah Kook

Amy Markham

Take Flight

I took a nap after I posted my last post and I had an incredibly lucid dream. In the dream I was confronting a large group of people that were giving me a hard time because of my stand on a conflict that was going on. They were also making comments about the fact I was gay and shouldn't be listened to. In the dream I stood up on a ledge in front of all of them and loudly told them exactly how I felt and ended by telling them all to go to hell. Something that in real life I could never, ever do. I am afraid of any form of conflict. But here's the incredible part...instead of storming off, I took flight and flew off. It felt completely natural. I knew exactly how to turn my body to navigate above the crowd, houses, trees. It was awesome! It felt so exhilarating and liberating. I was in complete control.

I woke up as I was beginning to soar above a beautiful forest. I immediately sat completely upright and said aloud, "Oh my god, I just had a flying dream!"

The excitement and joy I felt has stayed with me all day. I decided to research what flying dreams might mean. I could already kind of figure out what the dream had meant because of the parallels between the dream and my real life, but I wanted confirmation. I was exactly right and then some. On one dream interpretation site it said that the ability to control my flight is representative of my own personal sense of power. The flight might suggest that I am on top of a situation, that I have risen above something. A liberation from something that's been troubling me. It might also mean that I have gained a new and different perspective on things.

I found that the sky might symbolize consciousness and spirituality so to dream of flying might represent the expansion of my awareness and the unfolding of my higher self. The thought of which is really exciting and encouraging.

Take it with a grain of salt, but I've always felt that our dreams hold the key to what's really going on with us. Our subconscious releasing itself and working things out for us in our sleep. Most of the time I'm unable to figure out what my dreams mean other than to know, "Oh, well that was just a stress dream" as I put it. But with a dream like I had last night it is obvious to me that this was one that had a lot of meaning. I hope all of you get a chance to fly in a dream sometime in the future. Even if you don't, do like I'm going to try and do...

Take flight in your life!

Experiment IX

Erlend Mork

The Point In The Heart Awakens

I just finished watching my third lecture on Kabbalah and I think I might have stumbled onto something that will resolve the spiritual conflict I've felt for so many years. I'm taking a twelve week course from the Bnei Baruch Kabbalah Education Center. The word Kabbalah means "to receive" and it is a method to develop a direct, conscious connection with the Creator. In the first lecture we were taught that there comes a time in a man's life when he becomes aware of a desire to know and connect with God. In Kabbalah this is called "the point in the heart". When this "point in the heart" is awakened his desire for spirituality increases and he begins his journey to connect with his Creator. According to Kabbalists this eventually leads us to Kabbalah. Tonight I sat down and tried to pinpoint when I first became aware of my "point in the heart" and the journey I've been on that has lead me to where I am today.

When I was a child I was sent to a Southern Baptist Church every Sunday and, being the good student that I've always been, I learned everything I could and easily believed in the existence of God and Jesus. When I got a little older I was allowed to decide if I wanted to continue to attend church. I was a little tired of the threat of going to hell so I quickly decided not to go. I spent the next thirty or so years pursuing life on my own. However, the things that I had been taught about God were still with me. I just didn't think about them. It was when I became homeless in 1998 that I seriously started thinking about God again. I had to have something, some form of outside strength, to get me through it. I couldn't endure that kind of suffering alone.

I began to examine the protestant beliefs I had been raised with. There were several things that I just couldn't accept; I couldn't believe that all homosexuals were going to hell, I couldn't believe that everyone who wasn't Christian was going to hell, and I had issues with the whole idea of hell anyway. I decided to explore other religions. I studied Hinduism and Buddhism. I became pagan and lived like a hippy for awhile. I went to Native American gatherings and was even acknowledged and honored by the Elders at one gathering for saving the ceremonial fire from going out one night. I got involved with a lot of the new age movement. I collected crystals and stones (which I still do....) and worked on my chakras. I was learning and growing spiritually. 

There was and still is a Protestant Mission in town that runs a shelter for the homeless. I had avoided staying there, but there came a time when I was forced to stay there. Every night the residents have to go to Chapel and have a church service. God, how I hated it. As a consequence, even now, I cringe slightly when I hear the name "Jesus" said in that Southern Baptist kind of way. Anyway, they had a drug and alcohol program there and the "program" guys got to sleep in comfortable rooms as opposed to a communal room with cots. They also didn't have to leave the building every morning at 6:00 regardless of the weather. This might have been wrong of me, but I saw the program as a way to get myself off the streets. I didn't lie about my drug and alcohol abuse but I did lie about my spiritual beliefs.

When I learned that part of the Mission's program required you to find a church and become a member I really got worried. As I look back though I can see that my Creator had a plan. I tried every protestant church in town to no avail. I couldn't stand them and the feelings of living a lie were almost unbearable. Through a set of circumstances that I won't go into now, I was introduced to the Russian Orthodox Church. I was blown away. Their teachings on homosexuality were somewhat more tolerable too. I was taught that it wasn't a sin to be homosexual, but it was a sin to express it. I had been in the closet for years so I thought I could accept that. If I slipped up I could always go to confession and receive absolution. I converted and was baptized into the Orthodox faith. I even went so far as to enter one of their monasteries here in America and almost became a monk. A little of that story is in my profile I think. A lot of the first part of this blog involves the struggles I had after I left the monastery and eventually left the Church.

I didn't realize when I started this post just how long it was going to be. If you're still reading at this point, I appreciate it....thanks! I'm going to try and wrap it up...

After roughly ten years homeless, I finally obtained housing. My body found a home but my "point in the heart" still hadn't. I've been in my apartment for about seven years now. During this time I have tried to incorporate the beliefs I had from all the different faiths into one. It hasn't been easy and I can tell you now that it hasn't been very successful. 

I've finally decided that all religions should be regarded as mythology. I believe that all these spiritual, religious myths are built on a lot of common, undeniable truths. And I also believe that the ideas taught in Kabbalah are the framework upon which all the religions are based. I hope that as my studies continue I find this to still be true...     

Enjoy Life!

With The New Moon In Leo

A journal post is long overdue, so I guess I’ll write one. I should try and describe the feelings I’m having of trying to climb, crawl, scratch, and claw my way out of the wreckage of my life into a life of higher purpose.

Should I tell you all my past regrets? Should I make this a confession of some kind?

   

It’s all between me and the people that I have hurt….My Mother, who I loved beyond description, but with whom I could not develop any type of close relationship with? My Mother passed away quite a few years back, so making amends is impossible. My Father, who might not have passed yet, but who might as well have…for you see, I never knew him…..never even knew his name. I carry my Mother’s last married name. Not even her maiden name, but the last name of a man who was not my Father. My Grandmother, who loved me maybe even more than my own Mother? You might as well say I used all the love see had and then abandoned her. A shell of the person she ever was….constantly looking for me, seeing me even in strangers and other random people until the day she died.

There are other people that I have involved in my egoistic evolution. My regrets cause me to have an intense, almost irresolvable, sense of guilt, shame, and regret. The same strong emotions that have led me to attempt suicide on numerous occasions. Dreadful memories of past events haunt my sleep and flash into my mind during my days. It's almost as if I have PTSD... 

What do you make of it? A melancholy mess…one with no mercy of redemption or resolution because I can't seem to forgive myself, I can't seem to get over the embarrassing things I've done. A situation that won’t be resolved until there is an ending to it.  Death being what I mean.

But, I, as the one who has been the chief player in all these events, would like to know how I am ever to face my creator with all this madness shrouding me, and flowing along behind me like a bridal veil…an eternal cloth covering my stinking, rotting, corporal body…dragging itself to my maker.

I’m throwing myself into the study of Kabbalah in an effort to change my perception of reality, to try and actualize the point in my heart that yearns for my creator. I hope for comfort and peace.

Dirty Little Secret

Sarah MacLachlan

Don't Hold Me Back

Alex Cornish

Breaking The Bonds

Tom Acevedo

Sri Yantra

Indecent

A Dirge

Rough wind, that moanest loud

Grief too sad for song;

Wild wind, when sullen cloud

Knells all the night long;

Sad storm whose tears are vain,

Bare woods, whose branches strain,

Deep caves and dreary main,--

Wail, for the world’s wrong!

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara

Supplication

Death

Come thou, thou last one, whom I recognize,

unbearable pain throughout this body's fabric:

as I in my spirit burned, see, I now burn in thee:

the wood that long resisted the advancing flames

which thou kept flaring, I now am nourishinig

and burn in thee.

My gentle and mild being through thy ruthless fury

has turned into a raging hell that is not from here.

Quite pure, quite free of future planning, I mounted

the tangled funeral pyre built for my suffering,

so sure of nothing more to buy for future needs,

while in my heart the stored reserves kept silent.

Is it still I, who there past all recognition burn?

Memories I do not seize and bring inside.

O life! O living! O to be outside!

And I in flames. And no one here who knows me.

Rainer Maria Rilke

A Prayer For Strength

Thank you, God, for being there for me and allowing me to cry out to you in my times of need.

It is amazing to me that the Lord of the Universe would take time to listen to me and to care about what I say.

God, there are things happening around me right now that I do not understand. Some of these things make me feel confused, conflicted, and afraid.

Even in the midst of this, I know that you are my Lord.

I know that the situation is in Your hands, and I trust You. I beseech you for strength and for wisdom that I would be able to endure this situation and be able to handle the things I'm going through.

Claudio Bindella

She Talks To Angels

She never mentions the word addiction

In certain company

Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan

After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night now

Pulls those shades down tight

Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain come

The pain gonna make everything alright

Says she talks to angels

They call her out by her name

Oh yeah, she talks to angels

Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket

She wears a cross around her neck

Yes, the hair is from a little boy

And the cross is someone she has not met

Not yet

Says she talks to angels

Says they all know her name

Oh yeah, she talks to angels

Says they call her out by her name

She don't know no lover

None that I ever seen

Yeah, to her that ain't nothin'

But to me, yeah me

Means everything

She paints her eyes as black as night now

She pulls those shades down tight

Oh yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes

The pain gonna make everything alright

Alright, yeah heah

She talks to angels

Says they call her out by her name

Oh, yeah, heah, angels

Call her out by her name

Oh, ooh, oh, oh, angels

They call her out by her name

Oh, oh, oh, she talks to angels

They call her out

Yeah, ee, eah, eah, eah, eah

Call her out

Don't you know that they

Call her out by her name?

The Black Crowes

The Highs And Lows

Sadness settles over my soul,

Caged and Restless,

Black coal rains down on me,

Loneliness consumes me,

It's what I need,

To regain my self somehow.

I wake to a new dawn,

Crisp, clean, and lucid,

I thank my God,

For the strength to carry on,

For my waking up,

Both inside myself and out.

Life's funny that way,

The highs and lows you see,

The forces that move us forward,

Make life what it is,

The highs and lows.

Balancing on the edge of an abyss.

Martin Ksinan

Seeing Through Fear

Set Your Course

Use what talents you possess;

the woods would be very silent

if no birds sang except

those that sang best.

Henry Van Dyke

A ship in harbor is

safe-- but that is not
what ships are for.

John A. Shedd



A handful of pine-seed will cover mountains with the green
majesty of a forest. I too will set my face to the wind
and throw my handful of seed on high.

Fiona MacLeod


There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat
except from within, no really insurmountable barrier
save our own inherent weakness of purpose.

Elbert Hubbard


Life shrinks or
exands in proportion
to one's courage.

Anaïs Nin

The Path

As you can tell by most of my previous posts, I have been in a somewhat depressed and troubled state for quite awhile now. Actually, I've been struggling with some pretty heavy issues. It's no wonder I have very few followers or comments. (Which I would love to receive) In recent days I have really started to examine that and to try and get myself into a more positive state of mind. I have started a journey on a new path. I hope I can maintain my new course, remain positive, and bring some color and light into my blog....enjoy life!  

Don't Carry It All

Here we come to a turning of the season

Witness to the arc towards the sun

A neighbor’s blessed burden within reason

Becomes a burden borne of all and one

And nobody, nobody knows

Let the yoke fall from our shoulders

Don’t carry it all, don’t carry it all

We are all our hands and holders

Beneath this bold and brilliant sun

And this I swear to all

A monument to build beneath the arbors

Upon a plinth that towers t’wards the trees

Let every vessel pitching hard to starboard

Lay its head on summer’s freckled knees

And nobody, nobody knows

Let the yoke fall from our shoulders

Don’t carry it all, don’t carry it all

We are all our hands and holders

Beneath this bold and brilliant sun

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

There a wreath of trillium and ivy

Laid upon the body of a boy

Lazy will the loam come from its hiding

And return this quiet searcher to the soil

So raise a glass to turnings of the season

And watch it as it arcs towards the sun

And you must bear your neighbor’s burden within reason

And your labors will be borne when all is done

And nobody, nobody knows

Let the yoke fall from our shoulders

Don’t carry it all, don’t carry it all

We are all our hands and holders

Beneath this bold and brilliant sun

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

To all

To all

To all

 

The Decemberists

A Little Encouragement

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Ayn Rand

Before The Altar

Before the Altar, bowed, he stands

With empty hands;

Upon it perfumed offerings burn

Wreathing with smoke the sacrificial urn.

Not one of all these has he given,

No flame of his has leapt to Heaven

Firesouled, vermilion-hearted,

Forked, and darted,

Consuming what a few spare pence

Have cheaply bought, to fling from hence

In idly-asked petition.

His sole condition

Love and poverty.

And while the moon

Swings slow across the sky,

Athwart a waving pine tree,

And soon

Tips all the needles there

With silver sparkles, bitterly

He gazes, while his soul

Grows hard with thinking of the poorness of his dole.

"Shining and distant Goddess, hear my prayer

Where you swim in the high air!

With charity look down on me,

Under this tree,

Tending the gifts I have not brought,

The rare and goodly things

I have not sought.

Instead, take from me all my life!

"Upon the wings

Of shimmering moonbeams

I pack my poet's dreams

For you.

My wearying strife,

My courage, my loss,

Into the night I toss

For you.

Golden Divinity,

Deign to look down on me

Who so unworthily

Offers to you:

All life has known,

Seeds withered unsown,

Hopes turning quick to fears,

Laughter which dies in tears.

The shredded remnant of a man

Is all the span

And compass of my offering to you.

"Empty and silent, I

Kneel before your pure, calm majesty.

On this stone, in this urn

I pour my heart and watch it burn,

Myself the sacrifice; but be

Still unmoved: Divinity."

From the altar, bathed in moonlight,

The smoke rose straight in the quiet night.

Amy Lowell

From Adonais

The One remains, the many change and pass;

Heaven's light forever shines, Earth's shadows fly;

Life, like a dome of many-coloured glass,

Stains the white radiance of Eternity,

Until Death tramples it to fragments.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Costas Ellos

As Once the Winged Energy of Delight

As once the winged energy of delight

carried you over childhood's dark abysses,

now beyond your own life build the great

arch of unimagined bridges.

Wonders happen if we can succeed

in passing through the harshest danger;

but only in a bright and purely granted

achievement can we realize the wonder.

To work with Things in the indescribable

relationship is not too hard for us;

the pattern grows more intricate and subtle,

and being swept along is not enough.

Take your practiced powers and stretch them out

until they span the chasm between two

contradictions...For the god

wants to know himself in you.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Immortality

Vacate is the word...vengeance has no place so near to her

Cannot find a comfort in this world

Artificial tears...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers

Vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...

A truant finds home...and a will to hold on...

There's a trapdoor in the sun...it's immortality...

As privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show

Swept out through the cracks beneath the door

Holier than thou, how?

Surrendered...executed anyhow

Scrawls resolved, cigar box on the floor...

A truant finds home...and a will to hold on, to...

There's a trapdoor in the sun...

Its immortality...

I cannot stop the thought...of running out the door...

Coming up a which way sign...and all good truants must decide...

Oh, stripped and sold, mom...and an auctioned forearm...

And whiskers in the sink...

A truants finds home...and a will to hold on to..

Some die just to live...

Ohh...

Pearl Jam

Regret

It might have been,

Could have been should,

If only had ever seen would.

Been why else even,

When you should have seen could,

If even you would have,

Could have should would.

I even when why, you ever been should.

I would have been,

Should been, could have would done.

Kuan Yin

Goddess of Mercy and Compassion

Spirits Of The Dead

Thy soul shall find itself alone

'Mid dark thoughts of the grey tomb-stone --

Not one, of all the crowd, to pry

Into thine hour of secrecy:

Be silent in that solitude

Which is not loneliness -- for then

The spirits of the dead who stood

In life before thee are again

In death around thee -- and their will

Shall then overshadow thee: be still.

For the night -- tho' clear -- shall frown --

And the stars shall look not down,

From their high thrones in the Heaven,

With light like Hope to mortals given --

But their red orbs, without beam,

To thy weariness shall seem

As a burning and a fever

Which would cling to thee for ever :

Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish --

Now are visions ne'er to vanish --

From thy spirit shall they pass

No more -- like dew-drop from the grass:

The breeze -- the breath of God -- is still --

And the mist upon the hill

Shadowy -- shadowy -- yet unbroken,

Is a symbol and a token --

How it hangs upon the trees,

A mystery of mysteries! --

Edgar Allan Poe

1829

Every Grain Of Sand

In the time of my confession,

in the hour of my deepest need

When the pool of tears beneath my feet

flood every newborn seed

There's a dyin' voice within me

reaching out somewhere,

Toiling in the danger and in

the morals of despair.

Don't have the inclination to

look back on any mistake,

Like Cain,

I now behold this chain of events

that I must break.

In the fury of the moment

I can see the Master's hand

In every leaf that trembles,

in every grain of sand.

Oh, the flowers of indulgence

and the weeds of yesteryear,

Like criminals,

they have choked the breath

of conscience and good cheer.

The sun beat down upon the steps

of time to light the way

To ease the pain of idleness

and the memory of decay.

I gaze into the doorway of

temptation's angry flame

And every time I pass that way

I always hear my name.

Then onward in my journey

I come to understand

That every hair is numbered

like every grain of sand.

I have gone from rags to riches

in the sorrow of the night

In the violence of a summer's dream,

in the chill of a wintry light,

In the bitter dance of loneliness

fading into space,

In the broken mirror of innocence

on each forgotten face.

I hear the ancient footsteps like

the motion of the sea

Sometimes I turn, there's someone there,

other times it's only me.

I am hanging in the balance

of the reality of man

Like every sparrow falling,

like every grain of sand.

Bob Dylan

Tao Te Ching Verse VII

Heaven and earth last forever.

The reason why heaven and earth last forever

is that they do not live for themselves.

Hence, they last forever.

Therefore, the True Person leaves self behind

and thus is found in front,

is not guarded and thus is preserved,

is self-free and thus is able to find fulfilment.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;

When the funds are low, and the debts are high

And you want to smile, but have to sigh;

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;

And you can never tell how close you are

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-

It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Author Unknown

The Simplicity Of Spiritual Enlightenment

Open your mind and your heart (the true

essence of your being) to the Infinite.

Reverently acknowledge God however God

is real to you, around and within you.

Reverently acknowledge the saints and

sages of all enlightenment traditions.

Reverently acknowledge the innate,

divine nature of every person.

Reverently acknowledge the truth of your

innermost level of being, knowing that

all knowledge of the unbounded field

of Infinite Consciousness is within you.

May we be permanently established in

conscious realization of our relationship

with the Infinite.

May we be steadfast on our meaningful

spiritual path as it is revealed to us.

May everyone be spiritually enlightened.

 

Roy Eugene Davis from "The Simplicity Of Spiritual Enligtenment"

Out Of A Spiritual Wasteland

In case you didn't know today was Eastern Orthodox Pascha (Easter). I got a call from my old priest about a week ago asking me if I'd like to come to the service. I told him I wasn't sure but I would think about it. When I woke up this morning it was one of the first thoughts I had. In the past week I've really been concentrating on building my spiritual strength. I think it is the only tool I have to make it through this process of death. Of course there are several aspects of spiritual strength. I have been worried about the correctness of my beliefs...I wish it could be so simple as going back to the Russian Orthodox Church. I miss it so bad, but I know in my heart that I can't go back.

The only way I think I'm going to be able to resolve this conflict is to incorporate all the beliefs I know in my heart to be true and just have my own religion....the religion of Jeff.  This may sound strange but I have an altar of sorts in a corner of my bedroom where I meditate and pray. I have included parts of several religions. I have tapestries of Ganesha, Laskmi ,Sarasvati and Ardhanarishvara. I have pictures of Buddha and Bhaiṣajyaguru. There are also crystals...a bear claw...sage for cleansing.... In the past I've kept my christian icons seperate from my non-christian things but I've decided I need to bring them all together. In my process of getting ready to die, I have to come to some sort of conviction in what I believe. . and I believe parts of all of the religions...and I have to believe that that's okay...become firm in that...

When I meditate or pray I cleanse the area with sweet grass and sage then I burn Athonite style incense, pure frankincense blended with fragrant musky oils, hand-made by monks in Greece. It's hard to explain but the aroma of this incense has a dual effect on my senses. I not only smell it but I feel it as well. It is a calming, spiritual feeling. I burn beeswax candles under my icons and pictures to represent prayers and veneration. It also moves me when I play either Russian Orthodox church music or sacred chants of Shiva.

It is really hard to incorporate my Christian beliefs with my beliefs from other religions. The Christian Church is so exclusive. I still think there is a lot of wisdom in the teachings of the Orthodox Church.

Fr. Seraphim Rose wrote,

Orthodoxy is not merely a ritual, or belief, or a pattern of behavior, or anything else that a man may possess, thinking that he is thereby a Christian, and be spiritually dead; it is rather an elemental reality of power which transforms a man and gives him strength to live in the most difficult and tormenting conditions, and prepares him to depart with peace into eternal life.

Even though Father Seraphim Rose was talking about Orthodoxy...I want that strength of conviction and the transformative power that strong faith brings. I don't get that much traffic on my blog, but if you read this I'd love it if you commented.....

Enjoy Life!

1914 I: Peace

Now, God be thanked Who has watched us with His hour,

And caught our youth, and wakened us from sleeping,

With hand made sure, clear eye, and sharpened power,

To turn, as swimmers into cleanness leaping,

Glad from a world grown old and cold and weary,

Leave the sick hearts that honour could not move,

And half-men, and their dirty songs and dreary,

And all the little emptiness of love!

Oh! we, who have known shame, we have found release there,

Where there's no ill, no grief, but sleep has mending,

Naught broken save this body, lost but breath;

Nothing to shake the laughing heart's long peace there

But only agony, and that has ending;

And the worst friend and enemy is but Death.

Rupert Brooke

Erlend Mork

Days Go By

It's pretty sad when you can't even write a journal post. I can't describe what I've been feeling. I was supposed to have started the latest course of treatment for my hepatitis c but for some reason the doctors are stalling and haven't told me anything. I feel as though I'm hanging between life and death in some sort of limbo. I am just drifting through my days like a breeze through time until the day I turn to dust. I am relatively empty without any desire to be filled with anything. What's the use if I'm dying? Day by day, walking toward my grave. Why care anymore? This letting go of everything...is it a normal process that you go through when you die? If it is, Am I feeling it prematurely, or is death closer than I think? I just don't know. To shake this feeling off would be extremely difficult and I'm not sure I have the reserve or energy required. Maybe I should just accept it and drift through the rest of my days empty. It doesn't feel much like any kind of ending that I would have wanted. But, here I am like this and I don't have the energy to be any other way.

Marcin Sacha

Gianluca Nespoli

Wojciech Grzanka