A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe



In Your Skin

Lifehouse

The Man Who Planted Trees

In a gentle way you can shake the world.

Gandhi

I saw an extraordinary film about the life of Elzeard Bouffier, a humble shepherd who turned a wilderness into a lush forest. In a lifetime spanning two World Wars, while madmen killed each other for worldly power, this individual quietly and anonymously brought his world back to life, planting one acorn at a time. He not only created natural beauty, but contributed to healing an entire town that had fallen into despair?one man, working gently, living day to day seeding love wherever he went.

Each of us has a forest we can plant to bring our world back to life. Our trees may not be spruces; they may be children, songs, art, ideas, massage, repairs, writing, or any other gift that comes to us and through us.

What impressed me most about Elzeard Bouffier was the humility with which he conducted his forestry ministry. He was silent most of the time, he did not seek acknowledgment and never asked anyone to follow him. He simply knew what he had to do and went about the business of doing it.

I met Scott and Helen Nearing, the famous couple who initiated the back-to-the-land movement in the 1930s. Although the Nearings had well-paying jobs and comfortable city lives, they moved to the mountains of Vermont, grew organic food, heated with wood, and nurtured their land. At the time, they were laughed at and criticized. Now they are considered pioneers and virtual saints. I asked Helen, “How do you feel now that so many are doing what you began? ”

“It’s wonderful, ” Helen answered, “but that’s not why we did it. We did what we had to because it was right for us. If no one else ever followed, it would have been just as right. ”

What is your forest? How can you bring your world back to life? Begin today, one acorn at a time.

I pray to restore my world with color and beauty.

I bring my world to life.

This meditation is an excerpt from Alan Cohen's meditation book, "A Deep Breath of Life".

Where The Sidewalk Ends

 There is a place where the sidewalk ends

And before the street begins,

And there the grass grows soft and white,

And there the sun burns crimson bright,

And there the moon-bird rests from his flight

To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

And the dark street winds and bends.

Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow

We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And watch where the chalk-white arrows go

To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know

The place where the sidewalk ends.

Shel Silverstein



Street Song Serenade

A Second Chance

How many journal posts have I started by saying how long it has been since the last post? It's funny....but I'm going to have to do it again. It sure has been a long time. I have momentous news though and I thought I'd do a blog post.

My gastroenterologist is going to let me go back through the Interferon and Ribavirin treatment for my Hepatitis C. I came very close to getting rid of the virus when I went through the treatment the first time. However, if even one of the microorganisms is left it will quickly start to replicate again as mine did. This time through the treatment the doctors are adding a protease inhibitor called telaprevir. It's supposed to have a very high success rate and I'm feeling very, very hopeful. I feel the best psychologically right now that I've felt in a long time. I feel like I've been given a second chance and I have some motivation back. Now, as I look back, I realize that I've just been drifting through life not really caring about things. I knew I was dying and that idea consumed me.

Along with the constant thoughts about dying I have had a sense of shame about having this disease. I have felt that when people hear that I have Hep C, they think I must have been doing something shady or nasty to catch it. It is true that I could have been living with the virus since the 80's when I was into intraveneous drug use and shared needles. It's also just as possible I caught it by sharing razors with a lover I think might have been infected back in the 90's. Regardless of how I might have caught it, I have a second chance now of getting rid of it.

Erlend Mork

Gianluca Nespoli



Andrzej Radka

Full Moon In Gemini

It was a clear crisp night for this full moon. It really was pretty. I've been struggling with how to write about what I've been going through the past few months. I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole death thing. It really is more than just that. It's the fact that I'm so dissatisfied with things in my life and I stay so bored all the time. I will be okay and maintain a sense of balance for several weeks and then, Pow! I say "fuck it," get trashed, and try to kill myself. I believe deep down I'm thinking that I'm going to die anyway, why not just get it over with. I think I need a therapist!

I hope you are enjoying the photos and song lyrics and stuff that I've been posting. I may start writing some short stories on here or something. We'll see...

Enjoy Life!

Katerina Lomonosov

Andrzej Kcluk

Czech Professional Photographer

Jan Kruml

http://www.fotokruml.cz/

Twister

I need to hear you say goodbye.

I don't know why I hang around.

You will soothe the pain within my eyes

and then you leave without a sound.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Under the old back porch you knew

I loved you more than there and so,

you will let me fall back on my own

and where you were I'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown

There'll be sun, and

all eyes fall from heaven now.

See that I walk on.

That way.

So to the fall...

all stares, all breaks and no breaths.

Yeah, I walk on through the listen.

So you're sad, I turn away

to find out what I can be and so,

all these colors that shine within my soul,

and all I am, you'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Mmmm... it all works in

all harboured lands.

Something is real here, my

real bonney lass.

Something is real here and it's real there.

It's real here.

Something's habit and some...

some things happen.

Remy Zero

Queen Of Distress

I tried to find a cool quote for the beginning of this post but couldn't find one, so I'll just jump in and write a journal post.

The past few months have been a struggle and it appears the struggle will continue for awhile, but at  least now I have a clear mind...with the emphasis on for now...I feel better able to face things. For the past few months I've been The Queen of Distress, all depressed and complaining. I've decided to work toward finding more harmony in my life, both with others and between me and myself. I think my judgement hasn't been as sound as it should be and I hope now the veil has lifted and things will again be as they seem. I'm going to try and use my intuition more rather than my imagination. Hum...there's a topic in there somewhere.

Enjoy Life!

Third Quarter Moon In Leo

"What we know right now is immediate and personal: how we feel, what we want, whom we love. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. We don't go through life simply making good choices and bad ones. We go through life making who we are. Choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person." Deepak Chopra from "Life After Death"

Song To The Siren

On the floating, shipless oceans

I did all my best to smile

'til your singing eyes and fingers

drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you."

Did I dream you dreamed about me?

Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning,

Broken lovelorn on your rock.

For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow.

Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow."

I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.

I'm as riddled as the tide.

Should I stand amid the breakers?

Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing, "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

This Mortal Coil

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

Edgar Allen Poe

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town

(with up so floating many bells down)

spring summer autumn winter

he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)

cared for anyone not at all

they sowed their isn't they reaped their same

sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few

and down they forgot as up they grew

autumn winter spring summer)

that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf

she laughed his joy she cried his grief

bird by snow and stir by still

anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones

laughed their cryings and did their dance

(sleep wake hope and then)they

said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon

(and only the snow can begin to explain

how children are apt to forget to remember

with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess

(and noone stooped to kiss his face)

busy folk buried them side by side

little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep

and more by more they dream their sleep

noone and anyone earth by april

wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)

summer autumn winter spring

reaped their sowing and went their came

sun moon stars rain

e.e. cummings

Bad Blood

"...Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Going to come back and take you home
I could not stop what you now know
Singing: come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease?..."
Coldplay/A Rush Of Blood To The Head/Clocks

I think I've told you before that I have Hepatitis C and how I've tried the Ribavirin/Inteferon cocktail. After finding out it was unsuccessful, I asked the doctor to tell me honestly how much time she thought I had left. She told me I had 3-5 years of relatively good health followed by 3-5 years of declining health...You have no idea of the range of emotions I have experienced since she told me that unless you're facing your own mortality. The past two years or so since I got the news that I was going to die have been almost unreal.

At first I think I was almost numb. I thought I accepted it and was okay with it. I was actually in the first stage of grieving for myself. I haven't done much reading on the subject of coming to terms with one's own death. I have however read about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and about Dr. Roberta Temes' theory that there are three types of behavior that people who are facing grief and loss go through. I believe both theories to be correct, but it is Dr. Temes' theory that I think fits me most.

The three stages of grief and loss that Dr. Temes wrote about in her book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief," are:

Numbness - the person functions by rote and tends to isolate or form a social insulation.
Disorganization - the person has intensly painful feelings of loss.
Reorganization - the person enters into a more normal social life.

A month ago I tried to kill myself (again). It was only through the help of a friend that EMT's were able to find me and save me. One of the things I promised myself when I was trying to recover from the suicide atempt was that I would start blogging on a more regular basis. I am hoping that I can get into the reorganization stage that Dr. Temes wrote about. The painful feelings I've had are still raw and hard to write about. Someone suggested that I write about it by using the pronoun he, so don't think I've completely gone off my rocker when you read any posts in the coming months. I might just start writing like I was Spooky writing about Jeff! God, sometimes I think I really am off my rocker...

Enjoy Life!