The Night To Forget

Erlend Mork Gallery

Purely Festive

I want to thank all those that got in touch with me after my "Things That Make You Go Hummm" post. I really must apologize to everyone for using this public forum to vent and air my dirty laundry. I'm going to have to realize that religion as a whole is a conundrum that I will never figure out until I meet my maker. Life must be a multicursal maze, but there's no mythical minotaur ready to devour me if I stumble and wander around awhile. I just need to chill for a bit.
Now on to my main topic...I really try my best to not have a blog where I write stuff like, "Well, I went to the store today and saw Billy Bob..." but today I can't help it. For those of you who have never been in Asheville for Bele Chere you're really missing it. It's just great. But if you ever do decide to come, be prepared. Rain is as much a tradition as the festival itself. Everyone that comes though knows it's going to happen and rain gear is always ready. Somehow though the rain makes it even better. It always blows on through and the fun just picks back up like nothing happened.

Today was no exception. I saw Jeff Pittman's booth and was headed that way, but regrettably a massive storm hit and I had to run for cover. All the vendors and artists were hurrying to cover everything up. Tarps were flying. I finally found a building with a good sized awning near the main celebration stage. The storm was raging, streaks of lightning, booming thunder, wind whipping through the city streets. All of a sudden a band took to the stage early and at top volume started playing REO Speedwagon's song, "Ridin' The Storm Out." It was so great. You really should have been there.

Like I said before, the storm moved on through and everyone came out of the shelters they had found. I had originally planned on staying and seeing 13 Stories and The Gin Blossoms, but I decided to come on back home. On my way though I passed another stage where a band was getting ready to perform. It was a band from Jackson County, a bit deeper in the mountains than we are, and they were all young kids. I decided to stop and see how they did. Man...they started playing bluegrass like nobody's business. I'm not much of a bluegrass fan but I know talent when I see or hear it. When they started playing, "Hallelujah, I'm Ready To Go," though I had to leave because I almost started crying. Isn't that embarrassing? The song reminded me so much of my Mother and Grandmother both of whom have passed away. They loved bluegrass, and my Mother was known to start clogging sometimes when she got excited. I'm going to close now, Man it's been a great day. Enjoy life...

Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

Since my last post I've come to a major decision. I am definitely leaving the Church. I just can't possibly live with myself if I continue to be affiliated with a religion that supports discrimination and hate. Both ultimately lead to violence, whether overt or concealed. I had thought that my "don't ask, don't tell" attitude was fine, and it was until now. It's possible that what's been going on has always been there and I haven't been aware of it, or chose not to see it. My eyes are open now and I don't like what I see. I'm tired of the argument, the theological debates, I'm sick of it all. I've finally made a decision, now I just have to work up the nerve to tell everyone. I don't think I can tell my family though, not yet. God, a closet within my closet.

I went back to my research into the other faiths that I've always been drawn to; Paganism, Hinduism, and Buddhism. I lit candles and placed flowers in front of my statue of Shiva. I went and bought a handheld Buddist prayer wheel and spun it chanting, "om made padme um" for awhile. Then I dug out my old deck of Tarot cards, but I only looked at them. I was afraid of what they might tell me.

Then somehow I found myself reading about Carl Jung and his ideas about synchronicity. hummm...

I started thinking about how, while surfing on the internet, I'll start reading about one thing, which leads to another thing, which leads to yet another thing, until I've gotten so deep I don't remember where I started.

Then I found the idea of the collective unconscious. Could my objective psyche, which has a better knowledge of my own ideals than either my ego or conscious self does, be directing me toward my own individuation or self-actualization? Hummm (with a capital H and a nod to wikipedia)

I'm afraid this requires some meditative contemplation. I promise to come to some sort of agreement within myself and start writing something worth reading. Otherwise I'll go buy a journal. Now, where's my "Celtic Winds" CD? Enjoy life...

Random Rants

I got a comment from someone who said my posts were "schizoprenic." Well...how nice. What if I were schizoprenic? Should I not blog? Would I be unworthy? Does this person not have the ability to stop reading once they start? Possibly they don't know how to properly close a window, or perhaps they don't realize the power of clicking the little red "x."

If the comment was prompted by the "existential duplicity" of my previous posts, then you know what, go sc*** yourself... I take the beliefs of all religions that fit me and I wear them. So what's it to anybody other than myself? Can you say freedom of, lack of, or screwed up mess of, religion? Probably not.

And another da**ed thing, the lady that gives me a ride to church called asking for forgiveness for not calling me last weekend. She had yadayadayada. Of course I did, and she asked me if I wanted to go next weekend. Of course I said yes, but I really kind of wanted to say no. I've kind of had enough of Orthodox Dogma and Tradition, and it's not just because of the Russian's insane behavior. Notice the use of the wishy-washy "kind of." Even one of my therapists once told me that I had no balls. I do; I just don't use them.

I have to ask myself a few questions here. Am I so extrinsically motivated toward Orthodoxy that I've lost sight of my own best interests? Is my need to fit in or belong stronger than my need to articulate my own views? Is part of my reluctance due to discomfort at the prospect of being ostracized? Where's my balls? Where the h*** are my pumps?

I feel much better now. By the way, does anyone know, or for that matter anyone care, what the US Department of Homeland Security is up to? The European Commission has agreed to include sexual orientation in the information they give them on all transatlantic passengers. Why? Will they be tracking us next? Enjoy life, Da**it...

Our Faces As Our Days (Detail)

Erlend Mork Gallery

Short And Sweet

I'm going to keep my post brief tonight. I'm afraid my passive-agressive nature has the best of me. After looking over my posts I realize that, to any highbrowed, right-thinking person outside my closet, and to myself as well, they illustrate my existencial duplicity and could possibly be signs of a psychoemotive disturbance. I'm a little disillusioned right now and I don't care for it very much.

In addition to my disillusionment, the lady I ride to church with didn't even call me this weekend and I wasn't able to get in touch with her. This is highly unusual. Paronoid as I am, I automatically think that somehow she has found out about my blog and no longer wants to associate with me. I'll just have to wait and see about that little situation. Honestly, right now, I don't want to go to church anyway. I'm just about fed up with any form of organized religion.

Maybe I should embrace my existencial duplicity, my psychoemotive disturbances, and my other mental health issues, and go to a party or something. We could all dance, maybe have a few cocktails. See, I told you what kind of mood I'm in.

But I try to love myself. I'm not unaware of my deficiencies. In a way, I'm more aware of them than anyone else. I want to improve myself, but I don't think less of myself because I haven't yet done so. I respect myself and I care for myself; I try to accept myself as I am, while incessantly striving to make myself better than I am. I try to love myself, in every sense of the word. Enjoy Life (If you can)...

Time For Confession

As the weekend approaches it's time once again for me to prepare for confession. I know many of you would think, after reading some of my posts, "Why should he go to confession if he's just going to do the same things, and write all this nonsense about being gay and other religions when he gets back home?" Good question. I asked myself the same thing until my priest gave me a little book called, "The Forgotten Medicine: The Mystery of Confession," by Archimandrite Seraphim Aleksiev. When posed the question, "...Why should I confess when I know that tomorrow I will sin again?," He responds:

"This objection to Confession contains both something which is very true and something which is not. The right thing here is the desire not to sin anymore after Confession. But we are feeble humans, and we cannot attain right away such a firmness which makes falling into voluntary sins impossible. If we cannot reach such steadfastness in virtue right away, should we surrender to vice? Or should we stop confessing? Which is better - to roll in the mud of the spiritual swamp, or to pick yourself up after each fall and go on with the hope that someday you may reach the solid and beautiful shore of virtue? If you do not confess, you remain in the mud. If you confess, you pick yourself up from the mud and clean yourself. 'But why should I get up if tomorrow I know I will fall again?' the questioner asks. When you fall again, then get up again! Every day begins all over again! This is undoubtedly better than falling out of the habit of getting up...the 'getting up' - this is Confession.

'But why should we play at falling and getting up?' ask some. It is not a game, but a struggle in which there is much sense. If we, as feeble humans, fall but get up again, there is a great probability that death will find us when we are standing. Then we are saved. But if we do not intend to get up, death will surely find us lying in the mud. Then we are lost forever."

I have stated before in earlier posts of my own struggles and conflicts. I truly hope that the words of Archimandrite Aleksiev cover my situation. I like to think so. I sometimes worry about true repentance though, but I'm not going to go into that.

Many of my friends, and one of my therapists especially, can't understand. They ask me why I try to fit my triangle self into a round Orthodox hole. They want me to embrace my true "Beautiful" self and the new enlightened thinking. Truly, sometimes, I don't know, the suggestions of my friends would certainly be easier. I don't want to go into that right now either.

What Did He Say?

I must be suffering from some sort of "writer's block" today. I'm reluctant to even call myself a writer. I have several drafts for posts and ideas for topics scribbled here and there. Mostly here thank God, but anyway, when I started poking around for something to post tonight I could only sit there and stare at them. I had finally decided to just not post tonight but I was really uncomfortable with that. You see, I made a commitment to myself to publish at least one post a day. (Long pause as he thinks about what he has just written and why he's felt so out of sorts today) I finally decided that my only option was to write about not wanting to write.

Earlier today I went to the chiropractor. (hum...could that have screwed with my neural pathways?) You know, I never thought I'd get so much pleasure from the cracking of my bones. When the practitioner that initially examined me asked me to describe my pain as shooting, stabbing, etc., I said, "It's kind of burny." What? Burny? I had a flash of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street in my mind. Dang, I'm making up words now. It's kind of along the lines of my saying please to the soda machine downstairs, (out loud mind you) Sometimes I get worried about myself. I live alone and have gotten into the habit of occasionally talking to myself out loud too. I guess I could call it thinking out loud. Since the conversations are totally one-sided I guess I shouldn't worry. That makes me think...

Once, when I was feeling like a laboratory animal, and my doctor was trying to figure out the correct combination of medicines to treat my "condition," I was plagued with racing thoughts. Some of them quite nasty and mean. I told somebody one day that I wished my brain would just shut up... Okay, Let me set the stage for you before I go any further. At the time all this was happening, I had the bright idea to go to our local community college and try for an associate's degree. Like there wasn't enough going on in my head at the time, and despite the fact that I was still homeless, living in a shelter.

I had taken an introduction to java class and was having a difficult time. I went to bed one night and had probably the most unsettling dream I've ever had. In the dream I was sitting in front of a desktop computer watching all this matrix type programming code scroll up the monitor. This is hard to describe to you, but, I could feel what was going on in my mind and there was nothing. No internal dialogue, nothing, a void, an abyss of nothingness. It was the spookiest thing I've ever felt to this day. I can still remember what it felt like. The next day I remembered having wished for my brain to shut up. Man, God had fulfilled my wish. I thank him that it was only in a dream. Anyway, I guess the moral of that little story is obvious. Be really careful what you wish for.

I'm really tired of all this not wanting to write and writing anyway about not wanting to write, which I really haven't written about at all. Makes you kind of dizzy, huh? I missed my personal deadline. Oh well. Enjoy life...

A Day In The Life

I haven't posted anything of a personal nature in a while so I thought it was high time. I'm glad to say that my aunt finally called. She seemed to be her old self and when the subject of the ride home from the picnic that I described in an earlier post came up she asked me if I had "taken something." It is true that I had just a few days earlier started a new non-narcotic medication to help me with my anxiety. I was a little manic that day. I explained to her what was behind how adament I had been during the heated conversation in the car. Besides, it's always a little upsetting when you think someone is saying you're going to hell.

Now let me explain about being manic. Those of you who aren't bi-polar, or don't know anyone who is, might not know all that being manic entails. Mania is a heightened, excited state that just keeps on going like a freight train. Once I rearranged my apartment 4 times in one day. Personally I think it's great. I'm more creative, more productive, and have tons of energy. Thousands of ideas come blasting forth from somewhere deep within me so fast I hardly have time to write them down. Unfortunately you do and say some things impulsively, like sending tons of annoying emails, more so than usual anyway. I've walked to the store at 3AM before, and my neighborhood is riddled with prostitutes and drug dealers. I called a family member once late at night wanting to confront them about something they had done to me when I was 7. You get the picture.

I had asked my cousin to send me pictures from the picnic we had. I had hoped to find a decent one of me to use here. When I got the pictures from her the other day there was only one of me, and I looked like a stroke victim or something. I put it in photoshop and played around. The end result was Abstracted Life that you can see on the sidebar. A friend of mine asked me why I wanted my picture to look like that. Of course she hadn't seen the original, and no one ever will. Besides, I kind of like the abstracted picture. It really reflects the way my life has been and how I feel sometimes. I told you I was a little bit spooky.

Yesterday wasn't all that great a day. First I cancelled my appointment for the chiropractor because it was raining and I have to walk to their office. No more than 20 minutes later the rain quit and the sun came out. Don't you hate when that happens? I did make it to my appointment with the psychologist; however, my appointment wasn't until today. It never ends does it? I heard somewhere that it's not the things that happen to you that matter, it's how you react to them that counts. Life goes on. You know, I've found this blog to be pretty therapeutic. I'm starting to worry though that I have Blogivitis. I even think in blog now.

In conclusion, I'd like to explain why I'm so passionate in helping Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender youth. It's not that I'm a pervert as many would believe. I simply can remember what it was like for me. The never ending taunts and harrasment that caused me so much pain at a time in my life when I should have been happy and carefree. The suicide attempts that my poor Mother couldn't understand and probably blamed herself for. It eventually led to my dropping out of school because I couldn't face my attackers anymore. I honestly feel that it is the cause of many of my issues today. I just thank God that I wasn't killed. I guess really it could still happen. So yes, I'll support the protection and guidance of GLBT youth until they stone me to death with either rocks or words. More later...

Enjoy Life!

Gay And Christian

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

This is a comment thread I found recently that I thought was interesting. It supports my own call to celibacy. The call to celibacy is made clear to me in Romans I. I however, can not help being Gay. I do not agree that being Gay is an illness to be cured. God does not make mistakes. What a holy mess. What do you think? Leave a comment.

This is the comment thread:

That’s a good question, but it is one that I cannot answer because I am not gay. However, that is the reason why I don’t consider it my place to condemn homosexuals, or to pretend to any moral superiority.

I can’t see any way of reading the Bible other than to conclude that God’s ideal for human relationships (beyond friendship and family of course) is a life long, monogamous commitment between a man and woman. However, I realise that we live in a broken world and that for some people that isn’t an option. I don’t pretend to know what the answer is for those people.

I believe that God can change and heal, and I believe that some people are called to celibacy. But, I know how easy it is for me to say those things (though if I weren’t married celibacy would be my life as well), which is why I don’t believe in legislating my views on the issue, nor do I think that I can make my standards the criteria for being part of the Church. Like anyone, if someone who is gay enters into a relationship with God, He will gradually work in their life to bring it into line with His will and remove the things which are not His will. This is (hopefully) happening in my life, as the sin and brokeness in my life is removed step by step.

This process is between that person and God, and not for me to judge how well they are doing at it. What is my role, though, is to provide the same love and compassion as I do to anyone else. However, part of loving someone is telling them when you think they are doing something wrong or harmful. I don’t think it helpful to say that some things are not issues when they are, so I think I have a duty to tell people what I think are Biblical standards. It is up to them what they do about it.

I believe the Church has failed homosexuals because it hasn’t shown them the love they desrve. It has said to them that before you come inside you need to deal with your sin and brokeness, when that is the exact opposite of what the church is for.

Comment by Dave — 3/5/2005 @ 2:03 am

Dave says, “I believe that God can change and heal…”

While I know that I am a poor, miserable sinner like everyone else, I don’t consider my sexual orientation an illness needing to be “healed,” and I find your comment condescending and hurtful. Consider that my attempt to speak the truth in love.

Comment by LutheranChik — 3/5/2005 @ 3:21 pm

I’m sorry if you find them condescending and hurtful, that was not my intention.

Comment by Dave — 3/5/2005 @ 5:01 pm

I Confess...

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

I have to go to confession today so I won't burst into flames when I take communion tomorrow. Thank God my priest is very loving and understanding. I kind of get a little worked up before I go sometimes I can imagine Father saying loudly, "You did What?", and the whole parish looking at me with horror. It's great though, most of the time. Like taking a good, long shower, I come away feeling lighter, refreshed, clean, promising myself I'm gonna stay that way this time and not get dirty. I've always loved the dirt though... I'm such a mish-mash of contradiction. I'll be studying the saints and then a few hours later I'll be doing something really evil. I'll say my morning prayers then go read my astrology or do an online tarot reading or maybe even play with my crystals and think about my chakras. I'll study the Gospel then later find myself reading about the Gay Pride Parades. I'm still upset with the Russians at the moment with the way they treated there Gay People back in May and Putin's behavior and all. I'm such a bad, disobedient Russian Orthodox Christian. Ahhh...smell the guilt!! Well, enough about all that. I finally went to bed this morning and had a really intense dream. I don't really remember the details but as I was waking up I remember somebody telling me, " It begins with a nine and ends with a one...", and it seemed really really important. Being my almost OCD self, I repeated it in my head over and over for probably an hour after I got up. I thought about buying a lottery ticket but I've never done that before and really don't know how. If it means anything to anybody, let me know. I'm gonna wrap it up for now, Liturgy in the morning and all. Here's one last thing courtesy of:

Free Tarot Reading

By the way, you can get a really good tarot reading for free there. For me, they've been amazingly accurate. It's uncanny. Could the unseen powers have access to programming code??? Anyway, here it is:

TEMPERANCE

As water inexorably flows down the mountains, into the streams and rivers, and then out to the seas and oceans, this ever-flowing element of nature is often associated with peace and tranquility.

Temperance is the peace and tranquility we feel when our life is flowing calmly and happily in the right direction. However, it can also be a time where we need to balance logic and reason against strife and struggle in order to salvage some harmony in troubled times.

It is your ability to weigh right from wrong, to balance good against bad and to manage the volatile factors in your life that determines how easily you can feel a sense of balance and harmony in your life when the going is tough.

Temperance is about moderation, going with the flow and looking for solutions that will put an end to conflicts and troubles, like pouring water over a fire to put it out. The gentle flow of water can corrode giant rocks in its path. Likewise patience and gentle persistence can help us all to work through or around obstacles and challenges in our path.

Spirituality may provide comfort at a particularly difficult time. You can be sure that someone out there is looking after you.

Enjoy Life!

Coming To Terms With Intolerance

Something happened to me after a family picnic that my family and I had on the 3rd to celebrate Independence day. It has taken me this long to really think about it and decide why it upset me so. I think I'm ready to share it. I was riding back home with my Aunt and Uncle when we got into a discussion about a popular alternative rock band that was playing in town. Actually, it was the Smashing Pumpkins who have been in town for a nine day stay.

While riding by the crowd waiting to attend the concert, my Aunt had seen some young people that she felt were dressed inappropriately, and what's worse she had overheard some language she felt was vulger and "bad". She seemed to be saying that the people were evil. My Uncle and I like the Smashing Pumkins and Alternative Rock, and my Aunt is a staunch Southern Baptist who considers rock music as bad as the vulgar language she had heard. Although I respect my Aunt's faith and convictions and share many of her beliefs, I defended the Smashing Pumpkins and those who listen to them, or any rock band. The discussion became heated. It got to the point that I felt that my Aunt was implying that anybody that listened to "that" kind of music was going to hell, including my Uncle and me.

I have to tell you, and I'm not ashamed either, I spent several years homeless living in shelters. This was when my mental illnesses were raging out of control and untreated. In one paticular shelter I had to stay in, there was a nightly chapel where volunteers from various Protestant Churches came and gave us sermons. Don't get me wrong about the things I'm about to say. I was deeply grateful to have a roof over my head for the night. That cot in a room with about 30 other homeless men was my home while I stayed there. As thankful as I was, those sermons used to absolutely get me into a total rage. The general message, as I heard it, was that we were homeless because we didn't know Jesus. If we got right with Jesus our homelessness would end and we'd be blessed beyond belief. Our problem was, we didn't know God. I used to sit there getting hotter and hotter, thinking, "You're Wrong." "You're Wrong." "I know God, I've been talking to him since childhood, and I honestly believe he listens." I knew that I was homeless because of my reckless behaviour and irrational decisions. Not because I didn't know Jesus. I had accepted Christ as Saviour long before I lost everything.

In that car, riding back home with my Aunt and Uncle, the feelings I had took me right back to that chapel. It was really all I could do not to go into a rage. I was hot and shaking. My last response to her was, "I'm at the point I don't want to talk about it." My Aunt made another remark, and again I said, "I'm at the point I don't want to talk about it." The rest of the ride was cold and silent. When I got to my apartment we were cordial. There were no hugs like there usually were. I think I'm still trying to process what happened. I haven't spoken to my Aunt yet and normally we talk often. Of course, I may be jumping the gun. It's only been three days but I could tell from the cold parting it will be much longer. I had enjoyed a wonderful relationship with her before this ride home. One heated discussion, and my Aunt's attitude of intolerance changed everything. I'm hoping after a cooling off period we can mend this unfortunate rift. Enjoy Life...

Clarification

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

I think I need to explain just a little bit about my understanding of the position of the Orthodox Church on homosexuality. This is my take on it, and how I TRY to deal with it. I hope I don't get excommunicated or something. I may be in store for some stiff penance. As I understand it, homosexuality is not a sin, it is an extra cross we have to bear, and we should consider it a blessing that we have an even greater chance of proving our love and obedience to our God, by doing that very thing, bearing it. It IS a sin to express it. Okay, here's how I interpret expressing it. I can be Gay. I just can't have sex. I have no choice being Gay, there's nothing I can do about it. I don't have to beat myself up with shame and guilt. I say that with conviction in this post; but really, out here, I still struggle with it. I'm a little concerned that my posts here about being Gay and proud of it might be construed as being expression. They'd be right; I suppose. I guess I'm in denial. But really, isn't celibacy enough of a sacrifice? I think so. Unless I'm told otherwise by my Priest, that's what I'm running with. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. I mean come on, it's not like I'm going to wear a skirt to church, discuss Gay Pride with another parishoner, or take homemade cherry yum-yum for trapeza. Bringing the food for the meal after Liturgy is traditionally a woman's responsibility. I'm sure some of you Ladies might have problems with that; I'm sorry, I sympathize, and I agree, but I have my own struggles. So, there you have it. I hope that clears it up. I hope you understand, and if you don't, I hope you can practice tolerance.

In The Arena

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

I've been trying to decide what type of topics I want to post in this blog. This is like gaining a totally new voice with extraordinary potential to reach other people. It has the ability to affect, influence, or inspire anyone who reads it. I've decided I want to concentrate on Gay/Christian conflicts, mental health issues, morality, environmental issues, and I'll throw in some fun stuff too. I want to keep it as positive as I can. Issues, by nature, are sometimes unsettling, and stir us up a bit, I guess that's why they call them issues.

I secretly hope that someone reads it who needs some encouragement, who is struggling with things similar to what I have been through. I hope that they may find something in my posts that help. Before I begin though, I feel like it's important to help you get to know me. To establish a base from which we can launch into unknown possibilities.

First thing, is to tell you my Christian name. I'm a Russian Orthodox Christian; though, unlike many, I'm very tolerant of other people's beliefs, and I have struggles with my own faith. You'll no doubt see in further posts. My name is Euphrosynus, given to me at Baptism, it's the name of my Patron Saint. If you're really interested in reading more about him, it's really a nice story, think of it as being like an Aesop's Fable if you will. He was of coarse country upbringing, the cook of a monastery, and he endured scorn and mocking. Follow the links below to find his story and the stories of some other saints that are dear to my heart.

As I'm sitting here typing this, my cheap tabletop fan has been distracting me. It squeaks and sounds suprisingly like a cricket. It's kind of nice. There's a cool mountain breeze blowing through my windows. That's nice too. Enjoy Life...