Echoes From The Needles

Four hours now since them. I’m tired, weak, achy, and would love to sleep, but can’t for some reason tonight. This shit always plays around with my mind a bit, but I’m much stronger than it is. Or so I like to think. You’ll forgive me for my making this one long paragraph, and for not concentrating too hard on my grammar, spelling, or punctuation, if you can truly imagine what I’m going through that is. Today was an unusual day, well, actually, today was a continuation of yesterday, which sounds odd, but if you knew me it would make perfect sense. When I woke yesterday, it seemed I had more purpose and drive than I’ve had in a week or so. Of course, the hot tea laced with a double shot of cane sugar and honey might have had something to do with it. I naturally rode the sugar out into orbit and got a lot accomplished on my computer. But even after the inevitable crash back to earth, the heightened awareness and focus continued. Welcome to just a taste of mania. It was kind of nice after a couple of weeks of fighting back depression. I continued to stay on my computer all day, taking breaks only to eat and of course use the bathroom. I never left my apartment, not even to get my mail. I did manage to retire gracefully enough, even if it was around three o’clock this morning. Naturally, the first thing I did was get on this thing, the closest of my closest friends. The only “one” I can truly share what I’m really like with. I really feel guilty for saying that. I have some wonderful friends, with whom I share almost everything; but, as we all know, there are those little things that you really can’t tell anyone. I confided in my buddy for about seven hours when I finally decided to force myself to take a walk. But where could I go? What could I do? Having only about fourteen cents to my name left me with very few options. I finally decided that, since I haven’t been happy with the book I’ve been trying to read, I’d walk to the library and check out a couple of books I’ve been meaning to get to. I was actually in the process of searching the online library catalog when my DSL connection failed; a minor incident to some, but a catastrophe to me. Good thing I had decided to go for a walk. This is where it got unusual. I called my internet service provider and the tech walked me through troubleshooting the problem from my end without any success. In the process of making sure he had all the correct information he needed from me to fill out a troubleshooting ticket that needed further investigation, I realized he repeated my phone number back to me wrong. His caller ID was showing that I had called from a number that wasn’t mine. Odd… I had heard another call coming in while I was talking to him and just let the answering service get it; so, when I hung up I accessed the service. It was some other guy’s voicemail. Very Odd… I immediately called my phone service to report the problem. I was told they would have the problem fixed by Thursday. Oh My God! Two whole twenty-four hour days away! Now mind you, a day without the internet is like, well, like not a day for me. I’m quite proud of how I took the news. I took the news in stride and continued with my plans to walk to the library. I’m really glad I did for several reasons. As I was leaving my apartment, I realized that I hadn’t picked up the refill for one of my injections for tonight. Have you ever heard it said that God takes care of you when you aren’t able to? Humm… I grabbed my cold pack that I use to transport the injections from the pharmacy. It was actually a pretty day, kind of chilly, but nice even so. After picking up my prescription, I stopped in the park across the street to have a cigarette before I went on to the library. I was enjoying my smoke, lost in thought, when an acquaintance noticed me and came over to talk. We sat down together and had a very nice talk. I’m glad things happened the way they did because I got to know him a little better and he’s really a very nice man. After exchanging my contact information with him, which I hope he remembers because I’d like to talk with him again, I went on to the library feeling just a little bit lighter for some reason. I found the books I had wanted, one of which was Jack Kerouac’s, On The Road: The Original Scroll, which I’ve been wanting to read, and I walked home with my shots, my books, and my hopes. Even though I was fully prepared for being isolated from the world, the first thing I did was check the DSL light on my modem. It was on! I called a friend, and yes, my phone number was my own again! Was this all some masterminded plan to get me out of the house for Christ’s sake? I had decided to do it on my own, thank you very much; I don’t need such extreme measures. I don’t want to be traumatized in the process. Well, I’ve reached the end of my story for tonight. Have I put you to sleep? It sure didn’t work on me…I’m going to have to find something else to occupy me. Enjoy life!

IN FAITH I DO BELIEVE

Rusted Root

Barra Barra

Barra Barra (Out! Out!)
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction, jealousy ; there is no trust left
barra barra
Thirst and people are unluck
barra barra
No honour, but oppression and slavery
barra barra
Rivers were dried up and seas have ruined everything
barra barra
Stars are switched off and the sun went down
barra barra
There are no trees left and the birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are neither days, nor nights left, darkness only
barra barra
Hell ; there is no beauty left
barra barra
(solo of mandolute and ululation)
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
barra barra
Ruin and war and the blood is flowing
barra barra
There are only walls left, walls standing up
barra barra
Fear and people remain silent
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction and jealousy ; there is no trust left
barra barra
Rivers were dried up and seas have ruined everything
barra barra
Stars are switched off and the sun went down
barra barra (in a low voice, plus crescendo)
barra barra
There is neither good, nor happiness, nor luck anymore
barra barra
There are no trees left; the birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are neither nights, nor days left; darkness only
barra barra
Desolation, hell, there is no beauty left
barra barra
(Silence)
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
barra barra
Ruin and war and the blood is flowing
barra barra
There are only walls left, walls standing up
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction and jealousy ; there is no trust left.
Stars are switched off, and the sun went down
barra barra
There is neither good, nor happiness, nor luck left
barra barra
There are no trees left ; birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are no neither nights nor days left; darkness only
barra barra
Desolation, hell, there is no beauty left
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
Barraaaaa! Barraaaaa, Barraaaa, Barraaaaaa!

Rachid Taha

An Inner Portal

I look into the future and actually see opportunities. I see things I might accomplish. I see a window of opportunity, and even though I want to take advantage of it, I'm afraid to open the shades and take a look at what's there. Knowing which of my limitations are real and which are self-imposed is a real problem for me.

I took some time earlier today to look at some of these things...again...and came up with some things I feel I need to address and work on. There are two reasons I'm sharing these things with you. One reason is the fact that some of you may be going through a similar situation, it's nice to think I might be helping someone else get through their own "crisis." The second reason is simply that by writing these things down here in The Conscious Cataclysm it reinforces them in my thick head.

I found that now may be a time to let go of some of my worries and self-doubt, to take a leap of faith rather than fear making a choice. I feel, in some areas, my attitude toward my abilities is very immature. I may even be avoiding responsiblity. I listen to advice on these matters but don't follow through with it. I need to believe in myself, in my instinctive nature as well as my rational abilities, and trust my heart. I heard it said somewhere that sometimes resistance is more foolish than risk.

I do have two distinct goals that I would like to achieve at the moment. I now, upon reflection, know that in order to make these goals a reality there are certain things I must do. I must widen my knowledge in the areas I've chosen to pursue. Now may very well be the time for me to "get on with it." I know that the more I put into the preparation and work, the more successful I'll be. I must persevere. I have a tendency to get bogged down with tedious, repetitive details. I will have to break the work up into manageable tasks, and break up the monotony a bit.

As much as I've whined about self-examination lately, it really is true that I need complete self-awareness now. I tend to drag old feelings of hurt, pain, inadequacy, and betrayal into present day situations. I have to realize that I'm not alone in these feelings. When I feel alone in them I become heartbroken and fearful. I need good old logic and reason to help me remember that I'm not alone in these things. My pain is also someone else's pain. I need to examine my issues with care and continue to talk with others about them.

At this time in my life I have got to find strength, determination, and the courage of my convictions. It's not so much physical strength I need but mental and emotional strength. It's time for me to face these things if I'm ever going to achieve any results.

I have something inside me that needs expression. I've made a start here on The Conscious Cataclysm, but I feel there's more. Whatever it is, I don't recognize it yet. I have to face up to this challange with logic and firmness. I have to believe in myself. I mustn't doubt my motivations or intentions. I have to be ready to leap into action, and be objective about my limitations. I have to face the facts and let go of bitterness and disillusion from the past in order to ever be able to move forward. With every challenge there is the opportunity to make something better of my life.

Enjoy life!

Down The Rabbit Hole

It’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything here and it has weighed heavily on my mind. The Conscious Cataclysm has been an important, integral part of my life for almost a year. I would like to say that I’ve had nothing of value to write lately, but that wouldn’t be the case. There have been a lot of things I could have written about. Happy things, sad things, funny things, embarrassing things… I’ve thought in the back of my mind that I wanted to share all my recent thoughts and feelings with you. In some small way, if you’re a regular reader, you know where I’ve been, and hopefully have some idea of where I’m going…or as much of an idea as I have at this point.

The simple fact is, I haven’t known how to express what I’ve experienced in the past month. Somehow, this intense path of personal development and healing I’ve been on has changed. It’s gotten confusing and a bit overwhelming. All this searching for the divine, for a sense of self that I can truly feel comfortable and proud of, this constant self-examination, all this work toward healing physically, spiritually, and emotionally has gone to a different level. I really can’t explain it. It’s just different. I’m thinking about things in a new and different way. It’s almost like some of the things that have been hidden for so long are coming into the light. The problem is the fact that these “revelations” aren’t coming one at a time. They are bombarding me, and it’s a bit confusing.

This may seem odd, but even as a child I was aware of a deeper, spiritual aspect of life. I’ve worked really hard to understand, connect with, and incorporate that divine power into my life. I hesitate to call my decision to follow this spiritual path a choice, or even say it was a decision. It seemed to be the only true and right path for me to take. It’s more than the thirst for knowledge, or curiosity, it’s an intense need and drive deep within me. However, the path itself has been extremely difficult. At times, I’ve purposely strayed from the course. But, I was on the path even then. The denial was actually a part of the journey.

The possibilities opening up to me now, after so long of being shut away as impossible, are kind of frightening. I find myself not knowing what direction I want to focus on. There’s also the fact that my mind seems ready to take action, but physically, because of the Interferon, I don’t feel much like doing anything. I did have some really good news concerning my health. When I started the treatments for Hepatitis C in January, my viral count was 4 million, 160 thousand. The last blood tests I had done showed that the count has dropped to 124 thousand. I feel confident that the combination of medications, my visualization techniques, and my concentration on positive energy flow, have all had a dramatic affect on the virus.

I’m hoping to get back to making regular posts from here on out. Enjoy life!