My Therapy Pet Has Tumors

The state of American mental health care is a sorry, sick, joke. I became dissatisfied with the services I was supposed to be receiving from my mental health care provider and their general "oh well" attitudes; so exercising my rights, I chose to "fire" them, and choose another association. I have been faced with brick wall after brick wall. I now find myself unmedicated, untreated, out here flying on my own. I keep telling myself that, hell, I was basically doing everything myself with my prior service provider anyway, that I'm doing pretty damned good, and to hang in there with my head low to the grindstone concentrating on the chemo and other issues I am trying to resolve. Still, I am aware that I am in a situation of great risk. I could easily experience a severe cycling, my behavior becoming bizarre, irrational, and volatile. I could loose everything I have worked for two and a half years to achieve. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it has really already happened to a certain extent. I really can't remember a lot of what happened during the last of November and a lot of December. I vaguely remember some of it. Man, I don't even want to go there right now...

I apologize for my mood and tone, but they mirror the current weather and my gloomy prospects for the near future. Outside my windows I see only a gray seattle-like day in a movie about an old grunge band. I'm actually listening to that kind of music as I write, knowing it doesn't help my dismal thoughts, but unable to help myself. It's the only thing that fits. Now, I've lost my train of thought and I guess maybe I might not have had one at all. Enjoy life...

And Days Of Uncertainty

"...a perfect example of a man being how he is because he's always telling himself the story of how he is." From: The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon, by Tom Spanbauer.

I haven't posted in quite awhile because these have indeed been days of uncertainty. I have had things going on in my life that I wasn't ready to deal with myself, much less put into a public forum. What better way could there be to take them out and honestly examine them than to bring them into the light of day; what better way is there to stop them from going round and round in my head like a hampster on an endless exercise wheel?

One of the first things that has really been bothering me is the way people with disabilities and mental illnesses are treated by people in authority. Health professionals, secretarys, bank officials, people who are trained in these matters and ought to know better. My concerns have been trivialized. I have been used and manipulated. Stolen from. Patronized. I'm really so very tired of it. It has happened even from people I thought I could trust and thought were my friends.

The way I was denied pain medication for a legitimate back injury because of my history of narcotics abuse. Unable to look past what was written in my history and into my eyes filled with pain and x-rays showing evidence of the cause. Legitimate medical complaints trivialized and thought to be a symptom of "hysteria" brought about by my problems with anxiety. Leaving a doctor's office feeling as though I had been "blown off" as another stereotypical nutcase, and knowing I hadn't even been heard by one person in that office because of their preconceived notions.

I start my inteferon injections and ribovarin treatment next Monday in an attempt to treat my Hepatitis C. I have a 50% chance of the treatment working and the process has serious side effects. I have to tell you I'm scared. I must tell you, the first thing one of us who suffer from addictions feels, when we're faced with such unpleasant emotions, is to get high and not feel at all. And that has happened to me recently unfortunately. I am tempted. For the first time in years I want to get so high I don't think about it. That scares me worst of all. I am slowly dying from this disease and what do I want to do but speed it along. And quite frankly I want to live.

I think now about all the years I've spent in therapy groups and counseling sessions listening to lectures on learning coping skills. I remember being so defiant, trying not to listen. Saying to myself, "This is a load of horseshit. This could never work. What a crock. These techniques won't work for me. My problems are far worse than the ones they are illustrating." Well, without my knowledge, and certainly without my consent, some of those very techniques seeped in. And I use them almost intuitively now. They have even adapted to my own particular circumstances, and evolved into new ones. Without them I would never make it.

My advice, for anyone reading this that might be starting or is involved in these type therapy sessions and who might be saying the very things I did is, "Shut up! Listen! Fight the idea if you must, but just sit there and listen. And go back and listen some more." One day you might find, as I did, that they just might help you help yourself live.

Enjoy life...

Days Looking Foward

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Oliver Wendell Holmes

Strength. Courage. Pride. Hope. Compassion. These are the things I strive for. Honesty. Integrity. Clarity of vision and thought. I'm certain in the past year I have attained a far greater measure of these qualities than ever before in my life. I suppose it was finally my time. It took a while coming that's for sure. I haven't achieved my full portion, but I'm gettin' closer everyday. It feels really good to finally be able to "feel" some results from all the hard work I've been doing. Continual self-examination and exploration. My true motivations. Focusing on the better parts of myself and weeding out the bad, bit by bit, almost like a sculptor.

I have to really hold on to what I've attained and not let it slip from my grasp. As I go through the coming year, I'll be faced with some serious effort that will require all I've learned. These newly aquired skills and elements are all tender shoots just starting to grow. Far from a mature harvesting age, yet my most important source of strength. Luckily I'm blessed with two of the most wonderful friends anyone could ever hope for. Deep, rich, loyal friendships that I can count on, not only for support but for compassion and understanding. They know what I value and strive for and continually help me hold on to and build to what I've achieved so far. Most importantly I think are their gifts of laughter that add bouyancy and light to counter my darker tendencies. They enjoy life, and they help me enjoy mine. Enjoy yours too...

Turn The Page

I have long held the belief that our concious perception of reality has an altering effect on the way our life unfolds. This is certainly not a new idea, or even one with profound mystical meanings. It's pretty much common sense. If you believe, or at least hope, that good things are going to happen, more than likely, they will. Likewise, if you have a pessimistic attitude, and always expect the worse, of course bad things will probably happen. I am facing two tough challenges in the next few weeks and months. Both have the potential to have very positive outcomes. One, however, has me very concerned. The end result is completely out of my hands. The only things I have control over are; my decision to take a chance on the challenge, and my ability to keep a positive attitude in order to get through it. I'll be starting an Inteferon/Ribovarin course of treatment very soon in hopes of curing my Hepatitis C. I have a 50/50 chance of it working.

Because of this, I've decided to change the focus and style of my blog. This will be the second time that I've changed direction since starting. A large part of my writing during the first month or two was done in journal style posts. I was working through some tough identity issues, a mid-life crisis of sorts, involving my religious beliefs and my sexuality. While writing, I came to what I felt was a healthy new awareness of myself. (And happily still feel that way) My "true-self" had always been there, but it had been suppressed, denied, and even reviled. With my own issues firmly in hand, I started addressing some of the political and humanitarian issues I felt were important. Now, since my earlier writing proved to be so therapeutic, I think it is important for me to withdraw from the larger, public arena, and focus once again on some of my own personal battles.

I look forward to making my first post in this new vein, ironically during a new moon. Enjoy life...

Think About It...

Happy Coming Out Day!!!

GUESS WHAT GUYS???
I'M GAY!!!

STRAIGHT OR GAY...

COME OUT...

COME OUT...

ENJOY THE DAY!!!

Are You Straight And Want To Support Your Gay Friends?

“I always wanted to be one of those people who would make things change for my gay friends – I just wasn’t sure how or where to do it.” Now You know...

Straight For Equality

pflag.org

National Coming Out Day

October 11th is almost here, and if you're planning on coming out, you might want to check out the resources at the Human Rights Campaign website.

There's Power In Remembering

I've been very busy with things and haven't had enough time to write. I have just enough time now to remind everyone that today is the 9th anniversary of the Matthew Shepard beating. Please take a moment to reflect on this young man, his family, and what his death has meant to us all. Check back later for my new posts and until then, enjoy life...

A Full Rich October

I've had a pretty hectic week or so and I'm afraid I've had no choice but to neglect my blog a little. I'm sure you understand, but still, I do apologize. I hope you guys know it really is important to me that you have something new to hopefully enjoy everytime you visit.

October has found us here in Asheville enjoying crisp, cool, beautiful weather. As a result, my taste in incense has made its traditional fall transition from the heady fragrances I usually burn to the more earthy, spicy ones. There are a few things going on today and throughout the month that I wanted to mention today.

October 1st has been named, World Hepatitis Awareness Day

The World Hepatitis Awareness Day, which takes place on October 1, 2006, aims to increase awareness about hepatitis B and C. The theme for this year is "Get Tested". Both forms of viral hepatitis can lead to cirrhosis, liver cancer and death. Almost 600 million people worldwide are infected, yet hepatitis B can be prevented through immunisation and, in many cases, hepatitis C can be cured.

Take a moment and visit this site for more information. You do want to stay alive, right?

Hep-Links

October, as many of you already know, is GLBT History Month. In January of 1994, Rodney Wilson, a high school teacher in Missouri, was upset about the lack of gay and lesbian history from textbooks. He organized community leaders and teachers to educate the public about gay and lesbian historical figures and events. A nation-wide grassroots network began to work on an education and celebration campaign that continues into today. The month of October was chosen in order to commemorate the anniversaries of the first two gay and lesbian marches on Washington, October 1979, which drew over 200,000, and October 1987, which drew over 500,000 and had the first public viewing of the NAMES Project AIDS Quilt. GLBT History Month was endorsed by GLAAD, HRC, the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, and other national organizations. In July of 1995, the National Education Association voted to support the concept as well.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender people have a rich culture, and heritage that has not been spoken of, and has been hidden far too long. We finally have a voice that can be spoken proudly in the light of day. Take a moment to visit the following site, and bookmark it so you can return throughout the month. equalityforum.com

Because of its importance, I had wanted to address this topic first. I had problems with formatting and the video though, and had to place it here. (Ignorance is not always bliss...) Coming out is the single most important stage in any gay person's life. Although liberating and mind/world expanding, the process can sometimes be troubling and even traumatic. Luckily, today there are resources that can help.

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. The first big step is of course the hardest, but as those of us that are out know, the coming out process will continue throughout our lives. I find myself having to come out in one fashion or another almost on a daily basis, so the 11th doesn't have to be just for the newbies. We can all join in on this life-affirming day. The HRC has put together the absolute best resources for those of you thinking of coming out for the first time. They also have a unique project underway that is explained in the following video. You can find many viewer responses on YouTube. Please take a moment to watch, and as always...enjoy life!

What Do You Think?

If any of you have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I've had some struggles with religion. I recently read a synopsis of Richard Dawkin's book, The God Delusion, and although I don't consider myself to be an atheist, I found that I shared quite a few of his ideas. After seeing a video of a lecture he did in Lynchburg, Virginia, I was even more convinced in a lot he was saying.

This must be the year of the Atheist, because not long after discovering Dawkin's book and lecture, I ran across the author Christopher Hitchens on a talk show promoting his book, God Is Not Great. It seemed his ideas were less based on science and reason and more on personal opinion, but still, I found myself following and agreeing with what he was saying.

I ordered both books, and I just received my copy of Hitchens' book. As I started reading, it made me remember a disturbing story I read on the abc news blog. It kind of scared the s*** out of me, and made me realize that Christian fundamentalists (and all religions for that matter) are trying to encourage armageddon, they are racing to get there with fire and blood in their eyes. They can't wait for the end of the earth, not only so they can reap their just and heavenly rewards, but so they'll be proven right. "See There? We tried to tell you heathens! Now, all 'a' ya'll are gonna burn in hell!"

What if all of these fools are wrong? All the end-time prophecies could be nothing more than myth and superstition. They could be forcing us into something that doesn't even have to happen. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. What do you think?

Enjoy life guys while we can...

Reality Continues To Ruin My Life

Wow, this week has really gotten off to a rough start. How about you guys? I had heard that the upcoming full moon was to be a chaotic one but had paid little attention. I'm beginning to believe they were right. I have to admit that I have no idea who to credit for the picture today. If anyone knows who the artist is, or if you're the artist and object to my using your work, please let me know and I'll promptly remove it. The title of today's post, although I'd love to take credit for it, is a quote from Calvin and Hobbes.

I think I'll leave you with another quote today. Later On...Enjoy Life...

"The way we imagine ourselves to appear to another person is an essential element in our conception of ourselves. In other words, I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am." Robert Bierstedt

Dystopium

Erlend Mork

My Neuroses Repertoire

This evening I accidentally fell asleep while attempting to read, Alternatives to Sex by Stephen McCauley. There's a joke in there somewhere. Anyway, when I woke up I felt like, "Oh no, I didn't mean to do that. Something has happened on the internet and I missed it. I just know it. Someone has posted something and I haven't read it." I suddenly realized I had added some new neuroses to my already impressive repertoire.

I believe these new internet obsessions and compulsions started when I began to blog. The creation of this blog had an instant effect on my way of thinking, and it still does, but to a lesser degree. Everything I experienced throughout the day became a possible topic. I began to think in fragmented lines of text and dialogue. I wanted to post and share every photo, piece of art, poem, or quote I found. I became keenly aware of 12AM. Around 9PM I would begin to feel a sense of urgency. Had I published a post that day? How many posts have I written? For the longest time my sense of self-worth was affected by my blog statistics. If there was a decline in the number of visits I became worried and questioned myself. I've lightened up a lot though since I started.

My introduction to Google Reader has had its effect as well. I think this is where my feelings of missing something come. It's also caused me to have a fear of high numbers. If I have more than 40 items in any one particular folder I get a little antsy. I must not get behind, I must stay on top of all the latest happenings in all the areas I'm interested in. Being seemingly interested in everything makes it rather difficult.

I have found that I have another problem concerning this blog. I think it's a major reason why I haven't published many posts lately. I'm afraid I've been spending so much time reading other people's blogs on how to blog and how to write better that I haven't been writing myself. I'm going to see if I can't rectify this quandary. Enjoy life...

Town Mountain Evening

Jeff Pittman

Round And Round

I guess it's pretty obvious by my lack of posts the last several days that I've had yet another run of "bad" days. I just keep trying to remember the old song, "Blue skies are gonna clear up, so put on a happy face..." Sounded good before I put it in writing, now it looks pretty retarded.

Anyway, Thanks to the remains of hurricane Humberto, Asheville got some much needed rain last night and today. It's actually been kind of chilly too. I cut my fans off for the first time in months and actually woke up last night shivering. I'm a little disappointed that drum circle had to be cancelled though.

I can always fallback on my butterfly book I guess. Since I last spoke of it, I've discovered quite a few really unusual and amusing bits of butterfly trivia. I think probably in the near future I'll devote an entire post on butterflies. Until then I'll give you one tidbit so you won't die of anticipation or anything.

The Queen Alexandra's Birdwing from Papua New Guinea holds the record for the world's largest butterfly with a wing span of up to 11 inches. Can you imagine? I have GOT to see one of these before I die. What a trip...Enjoy life...

Babbling As I Wake Up

My usual method of waking up in the mornings consists of caffeine, nicotine, emails, and stumbling around the internet. Probably not too healthy, but hey, it works for me. This morning I ran across a bit of trivia. "Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin." Since dust is the bane of my existence I was slightly alarmed and just a bit sickened by this. Now I don't want to go to bed tonight, or tomorrow morning, or if ever again.

My thoughts wander back to drum circle last night. There was such a positive energy in the air. After my friend Poofy tricked me into getting out into the sweaty throng of people dancing, (I really hesitate to call it dancing...it's so much more...it sounds trite, but it really is becoming one with the changing beat of the drummers...the beat takes on certain elemental qualities...)

Okay, I'm sorry, I got a little carried away there. Back to what I was saying, after dancing, I decided to rest on one of the low brick walls that surround the perimeter of the park.

I was sitting there, still very focused and into the drums, and absently watching a small group of children playing around a tree near me. One little girl kept catching my eye. She had on the sweetest little fairylike dress and she was dancing and twirling around like a tiny ballerina. I could imagine her pretending to be one, or a woodsprite, or a fairy, or a muse. God, there I go again. I can get so lost in these thoughts sometimes.

My attention had gone back to the dancers and I hadn't noticed that the little girl had jumped up on the wall and was flittering along the length of it. When she got to me, an obvious obstruction in her path, she patted me gently on the head; A transference of gentleness and innocence occured. I looked up.

"Excuse me..." she said.
Without hesitation I replied, "Certainly..." and hopped of the wall.
She danced along her merry way.
Within a minute I saw her dancing back.
She looked at me... I looked at her...
I hopped of the wall again with a grin.

Enjoy life...

And So It Goes...Who Said That?

Okay, so I'm still here. Oh wow, there you are too! Obviously the link in my last post was just for shock value and the article it led to totally ridiculous. I know that I'm the only one here and the rest of you are an illusion done with mirrors. The only thing I can't figure out is how the interaction stuff is done...

Earlier today I decided to take a nice Labor Day nap so I grabbed my butterfly book and off to the couch we went. You know the entomologists that name butterflies have minds like mine. Well, their creative aspect anyway...Listen to these: The Striped Policeman, The Gaudy Commodore, The Swarthy Skipper, The Common Jezebel, The Himalayan Jester, The Hermit, Wizard, Wanderer, and Dogface, The Hoary Comma, and The Big Greasy Butterfly. The "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larson even has one named after him.

The naturalist Sharman Apt Russell wrote of the genus Heliconius' exceptional memory. According to him, "They remember favorite flowers and roosting sites, and remember to hold a grudge, avoiding spots where some scientist captured them days earlier." That's as far as I got before my nap monkey got me.

Now that I've managed to wrestle my monkey into submission, I realize that traditionally, with this Labor Day's passing, the summer of 2007 fades away too. Ahh, I'll remember it well... I'm sure a lot of you will be relieved to see me make mention of an actual time continuum. I bet I'll even be here tomorrow. I hope you will be as well. Enjoy life...

Erlend Mork

Erlend Mork

Delusional Bullshit And Your Enabling Psychotherapist

A local independant news, arts, and events publication runs a quirky, freewill horoscope column that I usually read. The paper comes out on Wednesday, and I'm just now getting around to reading it. That's okay though because hindsight is of course 20/20 and I usually prefer viewing things that way. Besides, foresight has never been my particular forte. I thought I'd share this week's forcast.

Aries...
"Here's how you can tell if you have a bad psychotherapist or counselor," says my friend Laura. "She or he buys into all your bullshit, never questions your delusions, and builds your self-esteem even if that makes you into an asshole." I agree with Laura's assessment, which is why I'm going to spend our short time together today calling you on your bullshit, prodding you to get introspective about your delusions, and not pumping up the parts of your ego that really should be melted down. Next week maybe we'll get back to gazing adoringly into each other's eyes, but right now you'll benefit from some tough love.

Delusions? Moi? Okay, maybe I do have just a few. In my own defense though, all I want is to be happy. If a few delusions help me do that, I ask you, what's wrong with that? So what if some of my delusions are a bit irrational and cause me to act totally weird sometimes? I'm not hurting anybody. Well, now that I think about it, I may tax a few people's tiny minds when they try to figure out where I'm coming from. Sounds like bullshit, huh? Just a puff of inflation in the old ego too. Maybe there's really something to these horoscopes. Go figure. I think I will. Okay let's go. Enjoy life...

The Hand Of Fate Within Us All

I've been publishing posts over the past week and a half without really mentioning what was going on with me out here in the real world. I guess I was so caught up in trying to fight the flames I didn't really want to talk about the house that was burning. It was really looking like the forces of the universe had turned on me.

I think it all started with a silly spider about a month ago...

For over a year I've had a tee-tiny spider living in the corner of one of my windowsills. Every few days I'd notice that he, or maybe it was a she, had built up a tee-tiny web of a tee-tiny kingdom. No biggy, I would just dust the windowsill and go about my merry way. This went on for longer than I can remember until one day I thought, "What the hell, I'll just let him have his little world there and leave him alone." His webs were never really all that and I decided to call a truce by no longer dusting my windowsills. So I let him be.

One day about a month ago I just happened to notice. With newfound peace in his realm, Sire Spider had expanded the borders of his kingdom and had embellished his former land. I was like, "O, lord...I can't leave all that...what would the neighbors think..." I grabbed a cloth and wiped it out. At the last minute noticing that I was getting Sire Tee-Tiny Spider as well. I knew instantly that I shouldn't have done it. Remorse swept over me. I had an epiphany of sorts...It's just like my life...Just when I think I've got it goin' on...BAM...the hand of fate wipes me out too.

Okay, call me silly. I may have read too many trite fairy tales as a child (and a few as an adult as well). But have you ever seen the movie NeverWas? You haven't? God, go get it tomorrow...After you've seen it, then I'll rest my case.

That was the beginning of a chain of unfortunate circumstances that I'm glad to say I've almost come to the end of. I'm publishing this post on my computer that is virtually a slate wiped completely clean. One of the circumstances I just mentioned involved deleting the RAID O Volume on my hard drives, re-creating it, and reinstalling my Operating System. I knew I shouldn't have killed that poor tee-tiny spider.

I'm off to burn some sage now. I haven't said it in awhile, so I think it's long overdue...Enjoy life...

Just For Giggles

A Letter From The Heart

The other day my friend Poofy and I were talking about our homeless days and the days we shared in a shelter together. Even though we were at rock bottom we had a sense of family at that shelter and we were also able to have good times through the bad, laughter through the tears. We were able to do this through the hard work of some really special people.

I owe a special debt of gratitude to Hospitality House of Asheville; Calvary Shelter; Cyndi Smith, the program director for Calvary Shelter; and to Ms. Pat Bacon, the Minister of Calvary Presbyterian Church. The shelter itself was actually in the basement of her Church.

During my years of being homeless I had almost lost my very humanity. My dignity left on a park bench. My thirst for life itself was almost gone. I don't know what led me to these people but I am overwhelmingly grateful that I was. (Whoever or whatever led me there...Thank You!)

Cyndi Smith, with a heart the size of the sky, helped rekindle the small spark left in my soul and then helped me keep it alive, even through times when she really should have stomped the "far" out of me.

Ms. Pat is simply beyond words. In her soul I can see infinite infinities. I wish everyone could have her look in their eyes and hear her say, "Come here and let me hug that neck." Man...beyond words.

I also want to thank a caseworker named Frances who really went the extra mile with me. Without her I'm not sure I would be doing as well as I am now.

I'm telling you they're like angels on earth. They helped everyone that came through that shelter keep a part of themselves alive that might have otherwise died. We had a home though there was none. From my heart: Thank You...

You Put Your Right Foot In...You Put Your Right Foot Out...

The first thing I want to get off my chest, breath a huge sigh of relief, and move on, is the anger I feel over all the political focus on gay marriage. The forceful attempt to push this one agenda down the nation's throat, has flushed all the years of attempts on the gay rights movement's part to gently nurse and guide our ignorant general public toward any semblance of tolerance, acceptance, and respect right down the toilet. Grammar and punctuation be damned. What the hell happened to trying to make sure we weren't beat to death on the way to the freakin' store? What happened to making sure John wasn't fired from his job because he bats his eyelashes too much and swishes when he walks? Hell, what about those of us that can't find anybody to freakin marry and don't give a shit about it any damned way? God...Okay....

And another damned thing...I'm making a vow, as of this moment (and after I've read the last 3 secrets for inner peace), to end my addiction to self-help books and lists that begin with, "The top # reasons, ways, whatever...". I've paused here at the keyboard in reflection. I was going to rant on about the hogshit the author of this book is trying to sell as the 6th secret. I can't go on though, it's just not worth it. I must have lost a lot of my steam after I got the marriage crap off my mind. God...Okay...

On the subject of books, I usually read several at one time, especially when one is a dreaded self-help book. I have a short attention span, and I easily get bored. In addition to the hogshit secrets, I've been reading a book that has held my attention more than most. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It's, Full Circle, by Michael Thomas Ford. Easily his best book, at one point in the story I was so shocked I wanted to throw the book against the wall, at another I simply had to drop it in my lap in disbelief, and of course there were the obligatory tears at the end. The story does truly come full circle (and to a good ending despite the tears...). God...Okay...Take a deep breath and enjoy life...

The Weight of a Thought

Erlend Mork Gallery

The Show Must Go On

I have something just too rich to tell you tonight. A few weeks ago I decided to once again launch a last ditch effort into the world of dating. I had forgotten the hazards and perils that are involved, as you'll soon see. Heterosexual people think they have it tough; I'm here to tell you they have no clue what it's like for a lesbian or gay man.


I thought, as a way of getting my feet wet, I would download an instant messaging program from a popular gay personals website. Thirty minutes after I had installed it, I had my first message from a guy who lives across town from me. The fella seemed pretty cool, we chatted for awhile, and I start thinking that maybe this idea had been a good one. He asked me if I'd like to meet him. When I told him sure, I had no idea he meant right then...at 3am in the morning...Things went downhill quickly after that. I think his true nature surfaced or something because he got all demanding and accusatory, suggesting that I had somehow led him on. I actually had to shut the thing down to get him to leave me alone. I've since blocked that fool.


The next message came in about fifteen minutes later from bi***** who lives in a small mountain community about an hour west of me. I was on guard from the very beginning because I have no intentions of getting involved with someone who likes to jump the fence. I'm hopelessly polite so I decided to talk with him. As we chatted, I asked if he had a girlfriend and if she knew about this part of his life. He told me yes to both questions and that she had participated on several occasions. I'm sorry, but to me that's kind of creepy. Before I had a chance to regroup and/or react he asked me if I got into bondage. I hesitated. "Ummm, no, I've never really thought about that." He asks, "What if you were the one doing the tying?" I responded, "Uhhh, I dunno..." Mind you this is all happening at the speed of light, the way im's work sometimes. He asks, "Want to see my hot a**?" Before I could say no thank you, there was the little picture link. Now sometimes I can be really stupid, and morbidly curious, this was obviously no exception because I clicked on it...

There he was with his ample backside to the camera, wearing a see-thru flimsy scarf-like skirt that came just to the bottom of his butt cheeks, black garter belt and black stockings, and his girlfriend standing beside him with the biggest dildo I have ever seen. I almost screamed. Now get this, before shutting down and backing away from the keyboard, I typed, "Ummm, nice butt buddy, but I don't think I'm into all that." I spent a good while just repeating to myself, "o my god...o my god..." I haven't gotten my feet wet; I waded in a mudhole. The local gay men's hiking club is looking more and more attractive...Enjoy life...

I Don't Do Stress Or Pain...

I want to apologize for my recent lack of posts. It's been a difficult week and now it seems one of my ears has become infected. It's not easy to type with your head tilted 90 degrees to the right. It's a little disorienting. I had seriously planned on dazzling you with something incredibly witty and/or enlightening but it doesn't look like it's going to happen tonight...I really value all of you returning readers and I definitely don't want you to lose interest. Please check back in the next several days and I'm sure I'll be back to my old self again. Oowww...Enjoy life...

True Friendship

I'd like to share an email I got the other day from my friend Poofy. Poofy by the way, is a nickname I gave her because of the hat she had on the first time I saw her. We met quite a few years ago when circumstances found us both homeless and in the same shelter. We quickly became friends and that friendship has grown through the years. It now sees us both independent and living in our own apartments. I'm not sure where she got this, it doesn't really matter. If you knew both of us though, you'd understand how fitting it is. She really is a true friend and I know she considers me one as well. This is the email:

I'm getting tired of all those namby-pamby, soppy, sickeningly sweet, and completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality. NO ONE is that perfect . . . So, here are promises that really speak to true friendship:

1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use only little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.

This is my oath. To be your friend until the end. Above all remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Another Day in the Life...

Unfortunately, it's been another one of those days where I find myself with nothing to write about. I've surfed the internet and the waves are calm today, nothing much happening that I could see. There has been a development involving the crisis in Darfur. Representatives from the UN, the African Union, and all but one of the rebel factions are meeting in Tanzania to discuss a platform and timeline for peace talks. The SLM, the rebel faction refusing to participate, feels there's no use to discuss politics while the violence is still going on. They say they'll take part in the talks only when they see the UN peacekeeping force. That's a hopeful start to healing I suppose.

I just got a really nice book about butterflies I thought of writing about. It's interesting to know that, as they fly, the flapping of their wings creates little vortexs, little tornadoes, as they flitter along. How cool is that? They have some really wild names too: the red and blue cattleheart, the southern dogface, the harvester, the ruddy daggerwing, the guatemalan satyr, the painted lady, the question mark, the blue crow, okay tell me to shut up.

It seemed though that even with the other ideas I considered today, my mind kept going back to the woods. That sounds kind of strange. I guess I should explain myself. In my hometown you have only to walk out your door to be in the woods. Or at least a short walk away. I grew up in the woods. All my dreams, imagination, creativity, and thoughts about God were born there, and on top of the beautiful mountains surrounding Waynesville, NC.

When I go into the woods I always feel connected to some powerful force of creation, a peaceful nourishing calm force. I can replenish what is depleted while coping with the daily stress in life. Since I've moved to Asheville, it's a little more difficult for me to get back into the woods. Don't get me wrong, Asheville is blessed with an abundance of woodland areas. The problem is I don't drive.

I've found a way to get around that though. I'm not sure if it's because the woods are so much a part of me, or if anyone can do this. I can picture the woods clearly in my mind. I can see the path in; I can see and feel the stones beneath my boots. I can smell the trees and see the creek coming up on my right. The soft cool breeze against my face as I round the bend feeds my soul. I see a fallen tree that calls to me, "Come, sit with me awhile." I hear a small animal scurry away in the bushes as I say, "Let me rest here," and I do. The rest of nymphs and angels. I can feel a sense of peace just writing this. I hope you can too. Take some time this week to go to the woods, even if only in your mind. Enjoy life...

The Night To Forget

Erlend Mork Gallery

Purely Festive

I want to thank all those that got in touch with me after my "Things That Make You Go Hummm" post. I really must apologize to everyone for using this public forum to vent and air my dirty laundry. I'm going to have to realize that religion as a whole is a conundrum that I will never figure out until I meet my maker. Life must be a multicursal maze, but there's no mythical minotaur ready to devour me if I stumble and wander around awhile. I just need to chill for a bit.
Now on to my main topic...I really try my best to not have a blog where I write stuff like, "Well, I went to the store today and saw Billy Bob..." but today I can't help it. For those of you who have never been in Asheville for Bele Chere you're really missing it. It's just great. But if you ever do decide to come, be prepared. Rain is as much a tradition as the festival itself. Everyone that comes though knows it's going to happen and rain gear is always ready. Somehow though the rain makes it even better. It always blows on through and the fun just picks back up like nothing happened.

Today was no exception. I saw Jeff Pittman's booth and was headed that way, but regrettably a massive storm hit and I had to run for cover. All the vendors and artists were hurrying to cover everything up. Tarps were flying. I finally found a building with a good sized awning near the main celebration stage. The storm was raging, streaks of lightning, booming thunder, wind whipping through the city streets. All of a sudden a band took to the stage early and at top volume started playing REO Speedwagon's song, "Ridin' The Storm Out." It was so great. You really should have been there.

Like I said before, the storm moved on through and everyone came out of the shelters they had found. I had originally planned on staying and seeing 13 Stories and The Gin Blossoms, but I decided to come on back home. On my way though I passed another stage where a band was getting ready to perform. It was a band from Jackson County, a bit deeper in the mountains than we are, and they were all young kids. I decided to stop and see how they did. Man...they started playing bluegrass like nobody's business. I'm not much of a bluegrass fan but I know talent when I see or hear it. When they started playing, "Hallelujah, I'm Ready To Go," though I had to leave because I almost started crying. Isn't that embarrassing? The song reminded me so much of my Mother and Grandmother both of whom have passed away. They loved bluegrass, and my Mother was known to start clogging sometimes when she got excited. I'm going to close now, Man it's been a great day. Enjoy life...

Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

Since my last post I've come to a major decision. I am definitely leaving the Church. I just can't possibly live with myself if I continue to be affiliated with a religion that supports discrimination and hate. Both ultimately lead to violence, whether overt or concealed. I had thought that my "don't ask, don't tell" attitude was fine, and it was until now. It's possible that what's been going on has always been there and I haven't been aware of it, or chose not to see it. My eyes are open now and I don't like what I see. I'm tired of the argument, the theological debates, I'm sick of it all. I've finally made a decision, now I just have to work up the nerve to tell everyone. I don't think I can tell my family though, not yet. God, a closet within my closet.

I went back to my research into the other faiths that I've always been drawn to; Paganism, Hinduism, and Buddhism. I lit candles and placed flowers in front of my statue of Shiva. I went and bought a handheld Buddist prayer wheel and spun it chanting, "om made padme um" for awhile. Then I dug out my old deck of Tarot cards, but I only looked at them. I was afraid of what they might tell me.

Then somehow I found myself reading about Carl Jung and his ideas about synchronicity. hummm...

I started thinking about how, while surfing on the internet, I'll start reading about one thing, which leads to another thing, which leads to yet another thing, until I've gotten so deep I don't remember where I started.

Then I found the idea of the collective unconscious. Could my objective psyche, which has a better knowledge of my own ideals than either my ego or conscious self does, be directing me toward my own individuation or self-actualization? Hummm (with a capital H and a nod to wikipedia)

I'm afraid this requires some meditative contemplation. I promise to come to some sort of agreement within myself and start writing something worth reading. Otherwise I'll go buy a journal. Now, where's my "Celtic Winds" CD? Enjoy life...

Random Rants

I got a comment from someone who said my posts were "schizoprenic." Well...how nice. What if I were schizoprenic? Should I not blog? Would I be unworthy? Does this person not have the ability to stop reading once they start? Possibly they don't know how to properly close a window, or perhaps they don't realize the power of clicking the little red "x."

If the comment was prompted by the "existential duplicity" of my previous posts, then you know what, go sc*** yourself... I take the beliefs of all religions that fit me and I wear them. So what's it to anybody other than myself? Can you say freedom of, lack of, or screwed up mess of, religion? Probably not.

And another da**ed thing, the lady that gives me a ride to church called asking for forgiveness for not calling me last weekend. She had yadayadayada. Of course I did, and she asked me if I wanted to go next weekend. Of course I said yes, but I really kind of wanted to say no. I've kind of had enough of Orthodox Dogma and Tradition, and it's not just because of the Russian's insane behavior. Notice the use of the wishy-washy "kind of." Even one of my therapists once told me that I had no balls. I do; I just don't use them.

I have to ask myself a few questions here. Am I so extrinsically motivated toward Orthodoxy that I've lost sight of my own best interests? Is my need to fit in or belong stronger than my need to articulate my own views? Is part of my reluctance due to discomfort at the prospect of being ostracized? Where's my balls? Where the h*** are my pumps?

I feel much better now. By the way, does anyone know, or for that matter anyone care, what the US Department of Homeland Security is up to? The European Commission has agreed to include sexual orientation in the information they give them on all transatlantic passengers. Why? Will they be tracking us next? Enjoy life, Da**it...

Our Faces As Our Days (Detail)

Erlend Mork Gallery

Short And Sweet

I'm going to keep my post brief tonight. I'm afraid my passive-agressive nature has the best of me. After looking over my posts I realize that, to any highbrowed, right-thinking person outside my closet, and to myself as well, they illustrate my existencial duplicity and could possibly be signs of a psychoemotive disturbance. I'm a little disillusioned right now and I don't care for it very much.

In addition to my disillusionment, the lady I ride to church with didn't even call me this weekend and I wasn't able to get in touch with her. This is highly unusual. Paronoid as I am, I automatically think that somehow she has found out about my blog and no longer wants to associate with me. I'll just have to wait and see about that little situation. Honestly, right now, I don't want to go to church anyway. I'm just about fed up with any form of organized religion.

Maybe I should embrace my existencial duplicity, my psychoemotive disturbances, and my other mental health issues, and go to a party or something. We could all dance, maybe have a few cocktails. See, I told you what kind of mood I'm in.

But I try to love myself. I'm not unaware of my deficiencies. In a way, I'm more aware of them than anyone else. I want to improve myself, but I don't think less of myself because I haven't yet done so. I respect myself and I care for myself; I try to accept myself as I am, while incessantly striving to make myself better than I am. I try to love myself, in every sense of the word. Enjoy Life (If you can)...

Time For Confession

As the weekend approaches it's time once again for me to prepare for confession. I know many of you would think, after reading some of my posts, "Why should he go to confession if he's just going to do the same things, and write all this nonsense about being gay and other religions when he gets back home?" Good question. I asked myself the same thing until my priest gave me a little book called, "The Forgotten Medicine: The Mystery of Confession," by Archimandrite Seraphim Aleksiev. When posed the question, "...Why should I confess when I know that tomorrow I will sin again?," He responds:

"This objection to Confession contains both something which is very true and something which is not. The right thing here is the desire not to sin anymore after Confession. But we are feeble humans, and we cannot attain right away such a firmness which makes falling into voluntary sins impossible. If we cannot reach such steadfastness in virtue right away, should we surrender to vice? Or should we stop confessing? Which is better - to roll in the mud of the spiritual swamp, or to pick yourself up after each fall and go on with the hope that someday you may reach the solid and beautiful shore of virtue? If you do not confess, you remain in the mud. If you confess, you pick yourself up from the mud and clean yourself. 'But why should I get up if tomorrow I know I will fall again?' the questioner asks. When you fall again, then get up again! Every day begins all over again! This is undoubtedly better than falling out of the habit of getting up...the 'getting up' - this is Confession.

'But why should we play at falling and getting up?' ask some. It is not a game, but a struggle in which there is much sense. If we, as feeble humans, fall but get up again, there is a great probability that death will find us when we are standing. Then we are saved. But if we do not intend to get up, death will surely find us lying in the mud. Then we are lost forever."

I have stated before in earlier posts of my own struggles and conflicts. I truly hope that the words of Archimandrite Aleksiev cover my situation. I like to think so. I sometimes worry about true repentance though, but I'm not going to go into that.

Many of my friends, and one of my therapists especially, can't understand. They ask me why I try to fit my triangle self into a round Orthodox hole. They want me to embrace my true "Beautiful" self and the new enlightened thinking. Truly, sometimes, I don't know, the suggestions of my friends would certainly be easier. I don't want to go into that right now either.

What Did He Say?

I must be suffering from some sort of "writer's block" today. I'm reluctant to even call myself a writer. I have several drafts for posts and ideas for topics scribbled here and there. Mostly here thank God, but anyway, when I started poking around for something to post tonight I could only sit there and stare at them. I had finally decided to just not post tonight but I was really uncomfortable with that. You see, I made a commitment to myself to publish at least one post a day. (Long pause as he thinks about what he has just written and why he's felt so out of sorts today) I finally decided that my only option was to write about not wanting to write.

Earlier today I went to the chiropractor. (hum...could that have screwed with my neural pathways?) You know, I never thought I'd get so much pleasure from the cracking of my bones. When the practitioner that initially examined me asked me to describe my pain as shooting, stabbing, etc., I said, "It's kind of burny." What? Burny? I had a flash of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street in my mind. Dang, I'm making up words now. It's kind of along the lines of my saying please to the soda machine downstairs, (out loud mind you) Sometimes I get worried about myself. I live alone and have gotten into the habit of occasionally talking to myself out loud too. I guess I could call it thinking out loud. Since the conversations are totally one-sided I guess I shouldn't worry. That makes me think...

Once, when I was feeling like a laboratory animal, and my doctor was trying to figure out the correct combination of medicines to treat my "condition," I was plagued with racing thoughts. Some of them quite nasty and mean. I told somebody one day that I wished my brain would just shut up... Okay, Let me set the stage for you before I go any further. At the time all this was happening, I had the bright idea to go to our local community college and try for an associate's degree. Like there wasn't enough going on in my head at the time, and despite the fact that I was still homeless, living in a shelter.

I had taken an introduction to java class and was having a difficult time. I went to bed one night and had probably the most unsettling dream I've ever had. In the dream I was sitting in front of a desktop computer watching all this matrix type programming code scroll up the monitor. This is hard to describe to you, but, I could feel what was going on in my mind and there was nothing. No internal dialogue, nothing, a void, an abyss of nothingness. It was the spookiest thing I've ever felt to this day. I can still remember what it felt like. The next day I remembered having wished for my brain to shut up. Man, God had fulfilled my wish. I thank him that it was only in a dream. Anyway, I guess the moral of that little story is obvious. Be really careful what you wish for.

I'm really tired of all this not wanting to write and writing anyway about not wanting to write, which I really haven't written about at all. Makes you kind of dizzy, huh? I missed my personal deadline. Oh well. Enjoy life...

A Day In The Life

I haven't posted anything of a personal nature in a while so I thought it was high time. I'm glad to say that my aunt finally called. She seemed to be her old self and when the subject of the ride home from the picnic that I described in an earlier post came up she asked me if I had "taken something." It is true that I had just a few days earlier started a new non-narcotic medication to help me with my anxiety. I was a little manic that day. I explained to her what was behind how adament I had been during the heated conversation in the car. Besides, it's always a little upsetting when you think someone is saying you're going to hell.

Now let me explain about being manic. Those of you who aren't bi-polar, or don't know anyone who is, might not know all that being manic entails. Mania is a heightened, excited state that just keeps on going like a freight train. Once I rearranged my apartment 4 times in one day. Personally I think it's great. I'm more creative, more productive, and have tons of energy. Thousands of ideas come blasting forth from somewhere deep within me so fast I hardly have time to write them down. Unfortunately you do and say some things impulsively, like sending tons of annoying emails, more so than usual anyway. I've walked to the store at 3AM before, and my neighborhood is riddled with prostitutes and drug dealers. I called a family member once late at night wanting to confront them about something they had done to me when I was 7. You get the picture.

I had asked my cousin to send me pictures from the picnic we had. I had hoped to find a decent one of me to use here. When I got the pictures from her the other day there was only one of me, and I looked like a stroke victim or something. I put it in photoshop and played around. The end result was Abstracted Life that you can see on the sidebar. A friend of mine asked me why I wanted my picture to look like that. Of course she hadn't seen the original, and no one ever will. Besides, I kind of like the abstracted picture. It really reflects the way my life has been and how I feel sometimes. I told you I was a little bit spooky.

Yesterday wasn't all that great a day. First I cancelled my appointment for the chiropractor because it was raining and I have to walk to their office. No more than 20 minutes later the rain quit and the sun came out. Don't you hate when that happens? I did make it to my appointment with the psychologist; however, my appointment wasn't until today. It never ends does it? I heard somewhere that it's not the things that happen to you that matter, it's how you react to them that counts. Life goes on. You know, I've found this blog to be pretty therapeutic. I'm starting to worry though that I have Blogivitis. I even think in blog now.

In conclusion, I'd like to explain why I'm so passionate in helping Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender youth. It's not that I'm a pervert as many would believe. I simply can remember what it was like for me. The never ending taunts and harrasment that caused me so much pain at a time in my life when I should have been happy and carefree. The suicide attempts that my poor Mother couldn't understand and probably blamed herself for. It eventually led to my dropping out of school because I couldn't face my attackers anymore. I honestly feel that it is the cause of many of my issues today. I just thank God that I wasn't killed. I guess really it could still happen. So yes, I'll support the protection and guidance of GLBT youth until they stone me to death with either rocks or words. More later...

Enjoy Life!

Gay And Christian

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

This is a comment thread I found recently that I thought was interesting. It supports my own call to celibacy. The call to celibacy is made clear to me in Romans I. I however, can not help being Gay. I do not agree that being Gay is an illness to be cured. God does not make mistakes. What a holy mess. What do you think? Leave a comment.

This is the comment thread:

That’s a good question, but it is one that I cannot answer because I am not gay. However, that is the reason why I don’t consider it my place to condemn homosexuals, or to pretend to any moral superiority.

I can’t see any way of reading the Bible other than to conclude that God’s ideal for human relationships (beyond friendship and family of course) is a life long, monogamous commitment between a man and woman. However, I realise that we live in a broken world and that for some people that isn’t an option. I don’t pretend to know what the answer is for those people.

I believe that God can change and heal, and I believe that some people are called to celibacy. But, I know how easy it is for me to say those things (though if I weren’t married celibacy would be my life as well), which is why I don’t believe in legislating my views on the issue, nor do I think that I can make my standards the criteria for being part of the Church. Like anyone, if someone who is gay enters into a relationship with God, He will gradually work in their life to bring it into line with His will and remove the things which are not His will. This is (hopefully) happening in my life, as the sin and brokeness in my life is removed step by step.

This process is between that person and God, and not for me to judge how well they are doing at it. What is my role, though, is to provide the same love and compassion as I do to anyone else. However, part of loving someone is telling them when you think they are doing something wrong or harmful. I don’t think it helpful to say that some things are not issues when they are, so I think I have a duty to tell people what I think are Biblical standards. It is up to them what they do about it.

I believe the Church has failed homosexuals because it hasn’t shown them the love they desrve. It has said to them that before you come inside you need to deal with your sin and brokeness, when that is the exact opposite of what the church is for.

Comment by Dave — 3/5/2005 @ 2:03 am

Dave says, “I believe that God can change and heal…”

While I know that I am a poor, miserable sinner like everyone else, I don’t consider my sexual orientation an illness needing to be “healed,” and I find your comment condescending and hurtful. Consider that my attempt to speak the truth in love.

Comment by LutheranChik — 3/5/2005 @ 3:21 pm

I’m sorry if you find them condescending and hurtful, that was not my intention.

Comment by Dave — 3/5/2005 @ 5:01 pm

I Confess...

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

I have to go to confession today so I won't burst into flames when I take communion tomorrow. Thank God my priest is very loving and understanding. I kind of get a little worked up before I go sometimes I can imagine Father saying loudly, "You did What?", and the whole parish looking at me with horror. It's great though, most of the time. Like taking a good, long shower, I come away feeling lighter, refreshed, clean, promising myself I'm gonna stay that way this time and not get dirty. I've always loved the dirt though... I'm such a mish-mash of contradiction. I'll be studying the saints and then a few hours later I'll be doing something really evil. I'll say my morning prayers then go read my astrology or do an online tarot reading or maybe even play with my crystals and think about my chakras. I'll study the Gospel then later find myself reading about the Gay Pride Parades. I'm still upset with the Russians at the moment with the way they treated there Gay People back in May and Putin's behavior and all. I'm such a bad, disobedient Russian Orthodox Christian. Ahhh...smell the guilt!! Well, enough about all that. I finally went to bed this morning and had a really intense dream. I don't really remember the details but as I was waking up I remember somebody telling me, " It begins with a nine and ends with a one...", and it seemed really really important. Being my almost OCD self, I repeated it in my head over and over for probably an hour after I got up. I thought about buying a lottery ticket but I've never done that before and really don't know how. If it means anything to anybody, let me know. I'm gonna wrap it up for now, Liturgy in the morning and all. Here's one last thing courtesy of:

Free Tarot Reading

By the way, you can get a really good tarot reading for free there. For me, they've been amazingly accurate. It's uncanny. Could the unseen powers have access to programming code??? Anyway, here it is:

TEMPERANCE

As water inexorably flows down the mountains, into the streams and rivers, and then out to the seas and oceans, this ever-flowing element of nature is often associated with peace and tranquility.

Temperance is the peace and tranquility we feel when our life is flowing calmly and happily in the right direction. However, it can also be a time where we need to balance logic and reason against strife and struggle in order to salvage some harmony in troubled times.

It is your ability to weigh right from wrong, to balance good against bad and to manage the volatile factors in your life that determines how easily you can feel a sense of balance and harmony in your life when the going is tough.

Temperance is about moderation, going with the flow and looking for solutions that will put an end to conflicts and troubles, like pouring water over a fire to put it out. The gentle flow of water can corrode giant rocks in its path. Likewise patience and gentle persistence can help us all to work through or around obstacles and challenges in our path.

Spirituality may provide comfort at a particularly difficult time. You can be sure that someone out there is looking after you.

Enjoy Life!

Coming To Terms With Intolerance

Something happened to me after a family picnic that my family and I had on the 3rd to celebrate Independence day. It has taken me this long to really think about it and decide why it upset me so. I think I'm ready to share it. I was riding back home with my Aunt and Uncle when we got into a discussion about a popular alternative rock band that was playing in town. Actually, it was the Smashing Pumpkins who have been in town for a nine day stay.

While riding by the crowd waiting to attend the concert, my Aunt had seen some young people that she felt were dressed inappropriately, and what's worse she had overheard some language she felt was vulger and "bad". She seemed to be saying that the people were evil. My Uncle and I like the Smashing Pumkins and Alternative Rock, and my Aunt is a staunch Southern Baptist who considers rock music as bad as the vulgar language she had heard. Although I respect my Aunt's faith and convictions and share many of her beliefs, I defended the Smashing Pumpkins and those who listen to them, or any rock band. The discussion became heated. It got to the point that I felt that my Aunt was implying that anybody that listened to "that" kind of music was going to hell, including my Uncle and me.

I have to tell you, and I'm not ashamed either, I spent several years homeless living in shelters. This was when my mental illnesses were raging out of control and untreated. In one paticular shelter I had to stay in, there was a nightly chapel where volunteers from various Protestant Churches came and gave us sermons. Don't get me wrong about the things I'm about to say. I was deeply grateful to have a roof over my head for the night. That cot in a room with about 30 other homeless men was my home while I stayed there. As thankful as I was, those sermons used to absolutely get me into a total rage. The general message, as I heard it, was that we were homeless because we didn't know Jesus. If we got right with Jesus our homelessness would end and we'd be blessed beyond belief. Our problem was, we didn't know God. I used to sit there getting hotter and hotter, thinking, "You're Wrong." "You're Wrong." "I know God, I've been talking to him since childhood, and I honestly believe he listens." I knew that I was homeless because of my reckless behaviour and irrational decisions. Not because I didn't know Jesus. I had accepted Christ as Saviour long before I lost everything.

In that car, riding back home with my Aunt and Uncle, the feelings I had took me right back to that chapel. It was really all I could do not to go into a rage. I was hot and shaking. My last response to her was, "I'm at the point I don't want to talk about it." My Aunt made another remark, and again I said, "I'm at the point I don't want to talk about it." The rest of the ride was cold and silent. When I got to my apartment we were cordial. There were no hugs like there usually were. I think I'm still trying to process what happened. I haven't spoken to my Aunt yet and normally we talk often. Of course, I may be jumping the gun. It's only been three days but I could tell from the cold parting it will be much longer. I had enjoyed a wonderful relationship with her before this ride home. One heated discussion, and my Aunt's attitude of intolerance changed everything. I'm hoping after a cooling off period we can mend this unfortunate rift. Enjoy Life...

Clarification

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

I think I need to explain just a little bit about my understanding of the position of the Orthodox Church on homosexuality. This is my take on it, and how I TRY to deal with it. I hope I don't get excommunicated or something. I may be in store for some stiff penance. As I understand it, homosexuality is not a sin, it is an extra cross we have to bear, and we should consider it a blessing that we have an even greater chance of proving our love and obedience to our God, by doing that very thing, bearing it. It IS a sin to express it. Okay, here's how I interpret expressing it. I can be Gay. I just can't have sex. I have no choice being Gay, there's nothing I can do about it. I don't have to beat myself up with shame and guilt. I say that with conviction in this post; but really, out here, I still struggle with it. I'm a little concerned that my posts here about being Gay and proud of it might be construed as being expression. They'd be right; I suppose. I guess I'm in denial. But really, isn't celibacy enough of a sacrifice? I think so. Unless I'm told otherwise by my Priest, that's what I'm running with. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. I mean come on, it's not like I'm going to wear a skirt to church, discuss Gay Pride with another parishoner, or take homemade cherry yum-yum for trapeza. Bringing the food for the meal after Liturgy is traditionally a woman's responsibility. I'm sure some of you Ladies might have problems with that; I'm sorry, I sympathize, and I agree, but I have my own struggles. So, there you have it. I hope that clears it up. I hope you understand, and if you don't, I hope you can practice tolerance.

In The Arena

(*** Shortly after the one year anniversary of this blog I decided to go back through some of my journal posts. I feel it is necessary to tell you that over the course of the year I made the decision to leave the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, I made the decision to break from all organized religion. I came to the personal conclusion that, even though I believe in God, all religion is man-made myth. ***)

I've been trying to decide what type of topics I want to post in this blog. This is like gaining a totally new voice with extraordinary potential to reach other people. It has the ability to affect, influence, or inspire anyone who reads it. I've decided I want to concentrate on Gay/Christian conflicts, mental health issues, morality, environmental issues, and I'll throw in some fun stuff too. I want to keep it as positive as I can. Issues, by nature, are sometimes unsettling, and stir us up a bit, I guess that's why they call them issues.

I secretly hope that someone reads it who needs some encouragement, who is struggling with things similar to what I have been through. I hope that they may find something in my posts that help. Before I begin though, I feel like it's important to help you get to know me. To establish a base from which we can launch into unknown possibilities.

First thing, is to tell you my Christian name. I'm a Russian Orthodox Christian; though, unlike many, I'm very tolerant of other people's beliefs, and I have struggles with my own faith. You'll no doubt see in further posts. My name is Euphrosynus, given to me at Baptism, it's the name of my Patron Saint. If you're really interested in reading more about him, it's really a nice story, think of it as being like an Aesop's Fable if you will. He was of coarse country upbringing, the cook of a monastery, and he endured scorn and mocking. Follow the links below to find his story and the stories of some other saints that are dear to my heart.

As I'm sitting here typing this, my cheap tabletop fan has been distracting me. It squeaks and sounds suprisingly like a cricket. It's kind of nice. There's a cool mountain breeze blowing through my windows. That's nice too. Enjoy Life...