Erlend Mork

Days Go By

It's pretty sad when you can't even write a journal post. I can't describe what I've been feeling. I was supposed to have started the latest course of treatment for my hepatitis c but for some reason the doctors are stalling and haven't told me anything. I feel as though I'm hanging between life and death in some sort of limbo. I am just drifting through my days like a breeze through time until the day I turn to dust. I am relatively empty without any desire to be filled with anything. What's the use if I'm dying? Day by day, walking toward my grave. Why care anymore? This letting go of everything...is it a normal process that you go through when you die? If it is, Am I feeling it prematurely, or is death closer than I think? I just don't know. To shake this feeling off would be extremely difficult and I'm not sure I have the reserve or energy required. Maybe I should just accept it and drift through the rest of my days empty. It doesn't feel much like any kind of ending that I would have wanted. But, here I am like this and I don't have the energy to be any other way.

Marcin Sacha

Gianluca Nespoli

Wojciech Grzanka

Marcin Sacha

Wojciech Grzanka 

Bhaisajyaguru

The Medicine Buddha

Tao Te Ching Verse VIII

The highest good is like water.

For water benefits the ten thousand things without striving.

It settles in places that people avoid and so is like the Tao.

In choosing your home look to the land.

In preparing your heart go deep.

In associating with others value gentleness.

In speaking exhibit good faith.

In governing provide good order.

In the conduct of business be competent.

In action be timely.

Then there is no strife, nothing goes amiss.

Tao Te Ching Verse VI

The valley spirit never dies.

It is the unknown first mother,

whose gate is the root

from which grew heaven and earth.

It is dimly seen, yet always present.

Draw from it all you wish; it will never run dry.

Chenrezig

Chenrezig (Avalokiteshvara) is the Bodhisattva of Compassion. A bodhisattva is an enlightened being who has decided to delay becoming a fully enlightened Buddha for the sake of all beings.

Om mani padme hum! (Hail the jewel in the lotus),

Ardhnarishwara

Ardhanarishvara represents the synthesis of masculine and feminine energies of the universe.

Thanksgiving

O God, Who holdeth in Thy right hand all the ways of man's life: I thank Thee for all Thy visible and secret goods, for earthly life and for the heavenly joy of Thy future Kingdom. Pour forth richly Thy grace, in the future as well, on us who sing to The : Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

I was born on earth as a feeble and helpless child. From that moment Thy love shines in all my ways and miraculously guides me into the light of eternity. For that my soul lauds Thee and hails Thee with all who know Thee:

Glory to Thee Who hast called me into life.

Glory to Thee Who art revealing to us the beauty of the universe.

Glory to Thee Who art opening to us heaven and earth as an eternal book of wisdom.

Glory to Thy eternity in the passing world.

Glory to Thee for Thy covert and overt mercies.

Glory to Thee for every sigh of my heart.

Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

O King of ages, Who by the power of Thy salvific providence, holdeth in Thy right hand all the ways of man's life: I thank Thee for all Thy visible and secret goods, for earthly life and for the heavenly joy of Thy future Kingdom. Pour forth richly Thy grace, in the future as well, on us who sing to Thee: Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

Taken from "The Akathist of Thanksgiving" by Hieromartyr Grigori Petroff

What Does Your Future Hold?

Bliss Torn From Emptiness

Loneliness

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."  Orson Welles

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved."  Mother Teresa of Calcutta

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."  Dag Hammarskjold

"The person that tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echos of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration."  Pearl S. Buck

"For some people solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves. For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves."  Eric Hoffer

Okay, it's pretty bad when you start looking for quotes about loneliness.  I'm feeling bored and lonely so I guess I'll do a journal post. There really hasn't been that much going on.

I'm kind of in a limbo state as far as the new treatment I'm going to be going through goes. The new treatment is so much harder than the last one, the doctor said we really have to cross our t's and dot our i's before we start it. Once you start it you can't quit. If you quit you can never have the treatment again. The body can only handle this particular protease inhibitor once. It's looking like December before I'll get to start. I have to tell you that with everything I've heard, I'm scared to death. I'm trying my best to get psyched up for it, but it's really difficult after having failed with the last treatment. The first three weeks were pure hell. After that it was like I was coming down with the flu for fourty-five weeks.

I had thought that I was going to have to get rid of Tank and Dozer (my two zebra finches) but all is well now and I get to keep them. I know it sounds silly but I love having them here with me. They're so fun to watch and I love hearing them ring their bells.

The weather today is just about perfect. It's about 79 degrees right now and tonight it will probably get down to around 60 degrees. You can't get any better than that. I really should be outside enjoying it. I wish I had someone that would go with me and motivate me. God, I want a cigarette. Sorry that just slipped out!

Okay, so I'm gonna get off here and do something....I don't know what....I'm enjoying an old Pink Floyd album so I might draw for awhile.

Enjoy Life!

Tao Te Ching Verse V

Heaven and earth are not moved

by offerings of straw-dogs.

The True Person is not moved

by offerings of straw-dogs.

The space between heaven and earth

is like a bellows.

It is empty and yet never exhausted.

The more it works the more comes out.

Many words lead to exhaustion.

Better to hold fast to your centre.

Marcin Sacha

What had that flower to do with being white,

The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?

What brought the kindred spider to that height,

Then steered the white moth thither in the night?

What but design of darkness to appall? -

If design govern in a thing so small

Robert Frost

Antoneta Wotringer

Gianluca Nespoli

Tao Te Ching Verse IV

The Tao is like an empty bowl,yet it may be used

without ever needing to be filled.

It is the deep and unfathomable

source of the ten thousand things.

Blunt the sharpness.

Untie the knot.

Soften the glare.

Settle with the dust.

It is hidden deep yet ever present.

I do not know whose child it is.

It existed before the common ancestor.

Marcin Sacha

Tao Te Ching Verse III

Not exalting the talented prevents rivalry.

Not valuing goods that are hard to obtain

prevents stealing.

Not displaying desirable things

prevents confusion of the heart.

Therefore, the True Person governs

by emptying the heart of desire

and filling the belly with food,

weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.

If the people are simple and free from desire,

then the clever ones never dare to interfere.

Practise action without striving

and all will be in order.

The Zealous

Erlend Mork

Bells In Our Hearts

"It is said that the Tao Te Ching can not be understood any more than you can understand a river. If you wish to experience the river you must jump in. Many things in the Tao Te Ching will confuse you.The confusion is not to be conquered. It does not result from a lack of knowledge. This confusion is a teacher that can teach you about yourself, your story, your people, your world and the still point of the universe to which we give the crude name - the Tao.

There are no footnotes of commentary here. These words of the Tao are to be hung like bells in our hearts and rung by the motions we make as we move through our daily lives. Any other sounds make it difficult to hear the bells.

The Tao is universal. It is not Chinese. Its is found in the quest of Christian mystics, native Americans, Zen monks, desert holy men, and indeed in every culture and age in the story of the earth. Before this story began and after it ends there is the Tao. It consists of stillness and silence and it will enter into any quiet heart."

From the preface of the Tolbert McCarroll translation.

Tao Te Ching Verse II

All under heaven see beauty as beauty

only because they also see ugliness.

All announce that good is good

only because they also denounce what is bad.

Therefore, something and nothing give birth to one another.

Difficult and easy complete one another.

Long and short fashion one another.

High and low arise from one another.

Notes and tones harmonise with one another.

Front and back follow one another.

Thus, the True Person acts without striving

and teaches without words.

Deny nothing to the ten thousand things.

Nourish them without claiming authority,

Benefit them without demanding gratitude,

Do the work, then move on.

And, the fruits of your labour will last forever.

Pearl Said It

"Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought."  Pearl S. Buck

 "Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness."   Pearl S Buck

"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream -- whatever that dream might be."  Pearl S. Buck

 "I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels."  Pearl S. Buck

"One faces the future with one's past."  Pearl S. Buck

"Sorrow fully accepted brings its own gifts. For there is alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmitted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness."  Pearl S. Buck

 "Every mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied."  Pearl S. Buck

Experiment V

Erlend Mork

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Maya Angelou

Getting Mentally Prepared

It won't be long before I start another round of treatment to try and get rid of my Hepatitis C. As I've posted before I've gone through the treatment once already and didn't beat the virus. This time around they are adding a protease inhibiter to the standard Inteferon and Ribavirin. From what I understand the triple therapy is twice as hard as the course of treatment I went through the first time, and the first time was really super hard for me.

Before I started treatment the last time, I got myself all geared up and ready to beat the disease. I was super positive and all gung-ho. "I'm gonna beat this thing, just wait and see." Then after 48 weeks of increasingly good test results, bam, they weren't good enough and the virus started replicating again. I was so upset and even embarrased. Embarrased because of all the talk I did about how I was beating it and all.

This time I'm having a really hard time getting into the right frame of mind to make it through the 48 weeks. I know what it's like to get let down when it doesn't work. I keep telling myself that I really don't have an option. I've got to try it again. Still, there's a part of me that is doubtful. I wonder if I should really put myself through all that again. What if it doesn't work again this time?

I guess I will try and think of the treatment as a battle between the bad virus thingys and the good medicine thingys...The virus thingys having holed up in my liver and the medicine thingys trying to get in and destroy them. A bit simplistic I know but it worked for me the last time. When you're too sick and tired to get out of bed it's best to keep it simple in my opinion.

I was actually in bed thinking about all this and couldn't sleep, so I got up and started writing. I think now I've exhausted all my thoughts about the treatment. At least for tonight.

Enjoy Life...

Dead Letter And The Infinite Yes

I found a letter it read

"Our existence has serious side effects"

Turned on, turned on the television

It's telling me the world is collapsing

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad?

And my therapist said

"We've evolved through a series of accidents"

There's been talk of chemical imbalances

Restless sense of detachment, nausea and or violence

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

I feel it coming, I think it's real and significant

I think I think I think a little too often

That's what my therapist said

We're alone in this wilderness

Left to choke on the pills and to feed on the viruses

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Wintersleep

Garden Of Exile

In the garden of exile,

You can never leave,

Apparently there's a back gate,

But I just don't believe it,

It's designed in such a way,

That each path eventually,

Leads you back to where you started,

In never ending aisles,

Walking

In the garden of exile.

In the garden of exile,

The exile sleep all day,

A flock of birds crosses the sky,

And the gulls the other way,

I rest my hand,

In the cool of the shade,

There's nothing but a humming,

As it crosses the tile,

In the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

In the garden of exile,

Our fathers built,

Statues of all the nation's heroes,

In the tops of the hills,

Everything's done before us,

Everything is will,

The future is the past,

There'll be no thinking for a while,

No thinking in the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

Toby Martin

Gianluca Nespoli

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe



In Your Skin

Lifehouse

The Man Who Planted Trees

In a gentle way you can shake the world.

Gandhi

I saw an extraordinary film about the life of Elzeard Bouffier, a humble shepherd who turned a wilderness into a lush forest. In a lifetime spanning two World Wars, while madmen killed each other for worldly power, this individual quietly and anonymously brought his world back to life, planting one acorn at a time. He not only created natural beauty, but contributed to healing an entire town that had fallen into despair?one man, working gently, living day to day seeding love wherever he went.

Each of us has a forest we can plant to bring our world back to life. Our trees may not be spruces; they may be children, songs, art, ideas, massage, repairs, writing, or any other gift that comes to us and through us.

What impressed me most about Elzeard Bouffier was the humility with which he conducted his forestry ministry. He was silent most of the time, he did not seek acknowledgment and never asked anyone to follow him. He simply knew what he had to do and went about the business of doing it.

I met Scott and Helen Nearing, the famous couple who initiated the back-to-the-land movement in the 1930s. Although the Nearings had well-paying jobs and comfortable city lives, they moved to the mountains of Vermont, grew organic food, heated with wood, and nurtured their land. At the time, they were laughed at and criticized. Now they are considered pioneers and virtual saints. I asked Helen, “How do you feel now that so many are doing what you began? ”

“It’s wonderful, ” Helen answered, “but that’s not why we did it. We did what we had to because it was right for us. If no one else ever followed, it would have been just as right. ”

What is your forest? How can you bring your world back to life? Begin today, one acorn at a time.

I pray to restore my world with color and beauty.

I bring my world to life.

This meditation is an excerpt from Alan Cohen's meditation book, "A Deep Breath of Life".

Where The Sidewalk Ends

 There is a place where the sidewalk ends

And before the street begins,

And there the grass grows soft and white,

And there the sun burns crimson bright,

And there the moon-bird rests from his flight

To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

And the dark street winds and bends.

Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow

We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And watch where the chalk-white arrows go

To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know

The place where the sidewalk ends.

Shel Silverstein



Street Song Serenade

A Second Chance

How many journal posts have I started by saying how long it has been since the last post? It's funny....but I'm going to have to do it again. It sure has been a long time. I have momentous news though and I thought I'd do a blog post.

My gastroenterologist is going to let me go back through the Interferon and Ribavirin treatment for my Hepatitis C. I came very close to getting rid of the virus when I went through the treatment the first time. However, if even one of the microorganisms is left it will quickly start to replicate again as mine did. This time through the treatment the doctors are adding a protease inhibitor called telaprevir. It's supposed to have a very high success rate and I'm feeling very, very hopeful. I feel the best psychologically right now that I've felt in a long time. I feel like I've been given a second chance and I have some motivation back. Now, as I look back, I realize that I've just been drifting through life not really caring about things. I knew I was dying and that idea consumed me.

Along with the constant thoughts about dying I have had a sense of shame about having this disease. I have felt that when people hear that I have Hep C, they think I must have been doing something shady or nasty to catch it. It is true that I could have been living with the virus since the 80's when I was into intraveneous drug use and shared needles. It's also just as possible I caught it by sharing razors with a lover I think might have been infected back in the 90's. Regardless of how I might have caught it, I have a second chance now of getting rid of it.

Erlend Mork

Gianluca Nespoli



Andrzej Radka

Full Moon In Gemini

It was a clear crisp night for this full moon. It really was pretty. I've been struggling with how to write about what I've been going through the past few months. I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole death thing. It really is more than just that. It's the fact that I'm so dissatisfied with things in my life and I stay so bored all the time. I will be okay and maintain a sense of balance for several weeks and then, Pow! I say "fuck it," get trashed, and try to kill myself. I believe deep down I'm thinking that I'm going to die anyway, why not just get it over with. I think I need a therapist!

I hope you are enjoying the photos and song lyrics and stuff that I've been posting. I may start writing some short stories on here or something. We'll see...

Enjoy Life!

Katerina Lomonosov

Andrzej Kcluk

Czech Professional Photographer

Jan Kruml

http://www.fotokruml.cz/

Twister

I need to hear you say goodbye.

I don't know why I hang around.

You will soothe the pain within my eyes

and then you leave without a sound.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Under the old back porch you knew

I loved you more than there and so,

you will let me fall back on my own

and where you were I'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown

There'll be sun, and

all eyes fall from heaven now.

See that I walk on.

That way.

So to the fall...

all stares, all breaks and no breaths.

Yeah, I walk on through the listen.

So you're sad, I turn away

to find out what I can be and so,

all these colors that shine within my soul,

and all I am, you'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Mmmm... it all works in

all harboured lands.

Something is real here, my

real bonney lass.

Something is real here and it's real there.

It's real here.

Something's habit and some...

some things happen.

Remy Zero

Queen Of Distress

I tried to find a cool quote for the beginning of this post but couldn't find one, so I'll just jump in and write a journal post.

The past few months have been a struggle and it appears the struggle will continue for awhile, but at  least now I have a clear mind...with the emphasis on for now...I feel better able to face things. For the past few months I've been The Queen of Distress, all depressed and complaining. I've decided to work toward finding more harmony in my life, both with others and between me and myself. I think my judgement hasn't been as sound as it should be and I hope now the veil has lifted and things will again be as they seem. I'm going to try and use my intuition more rather than my imagination. Hum...there's a topic in there somewhere.

Enjoy Life!

Third Quarter Moon In Leo

"What we know right now is immediate and personal: how we feel, what we want, whom we love. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. We don't go through life simply making good choices and bad ones. We go through life making who we are. Choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person." Deepak Chopra from "Life After Death"

Song To The Siren

On the floating, shipless oceans

I did all my best to smile

'til your singing eyes and fingers

drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you."

Did I dream you dreamed about me?

Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning,

Broken lovelorn on your rock.

For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow.

Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow."

I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.

I'm as riddled as the tide.

Should I stand amid the breakers?

Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing, "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

This Mortal Coil

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

Edgar Allen Poe

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town

(with up so floating many bells down)

spring summer autumn winter

he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)

cared for anyone not at all

they sowed their isn't they reaped their same

sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few

and down they forgot as up they grew

autumn winter spring summer)

that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf

she laughed his joy she cried his grief

bird by snow and stir by still

anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones

laughed their cryings and did their dance

(sleep wake hope and then)they

said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon

(and only the snow can begin to explain

how children are apt to forget to remember

with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess

(and noone stooped to kiss his face)

busy folk buried them side by side

little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep

and more by more they dream their sleep

noone and anyone earth by april

wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)

summer autumn winter spring

reaped their sowing and went their came

sun moon stars rain

e.e. cummings

Bad Blood

"...Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Going to come back and take you home
I could not stop what you now know
Singing: come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease?..."
Coldplay/A Rush Of Blood To The Head/Clocks

I think I've told you before that I have Hepatitis C and how I've tried the Ribavirin/Inteferon cocktail. After finding out it was unsuccessful, I asked the doctor to tell me honestly how much time she thought I had left. She told me I had 3-5 years of relatively good health followed by 3-5 years of declining health...You have no idea of the range of emotions I have experienced since she told me that unless you're facing your own mortality. The past two years or so since I got the news that I was going to die have been almost unreal.

At first I think I was almost numb. I thought I accepted it and was okay with it. I was actually in the first stage of grieving for myself. I haven't done much reading on the subject of coming to terms with one's own death. I have however read about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and about Dr. Roberta Temes' theory that there are three types of behavior that people who are facing grief and loss go through. I believe both theories to be correct, but it is Dr. Temes' theory that I think fits me most.

The three stages of grief and loss that Dr. Temes wrote about in her book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief," are:

Numbness - the person functions by rote and tends to isolate or form a social insulation.
Disorganization - the person has intensly painful feelings of loss.
Reorganization - the person enters into a more normal social life.

A month ago I tried to kill myself (again). It was only through the help of a friend that EMT's were able to find me and save me. One of the things I promised myself when I was trying to recover from the suicide atempt was that I would start blogging on a more regular basis. I am hoping that I can get into the reorganization stage that Dr. Temes wrote about. The painful feelings I've had are still raw and hard to write about. Someone suggested that I write about it by using the pronoun he, so don't think I've completely gone off my rocker when you read any posts in the coming months. I might just start writing like I was Spooky writing about Jeff! God, sometimes I think I really am off my rocker...

Enjoy Life!

Shackled Alice Encounters Carl Jung

“What youth found and must find outside, the man of life’s afternoon must find within himself” Carl Jung

We spend the early part of our lives involved in education and learning skills. However nobody prepares us for the times when we start examining ourselves, for the times we look deep within ourselves and ask, "Who am I really?" Of particular interest to me are the many contradictory, sometimes conflicting, aspects of my personality.

I'd like to introduce you to several fictional characters and one not so fictional: Audacious Deviant, Jeff, the one and only Shackled Alice, and Spooky.

According to Jung's theories on Archetypes; Audacious Deviant would be my animus (the female), Jeff would be my anima (the male), and Shackled Alice would be my shadow. Spooky seems to have modeled himself after Casper the Friendly Ghost and I suppose would be my self.

Audacious Deviant is a bit prissy. She loves to take long walks in the garden smelling the flowers along the way. She loves going to art galleries, rearranging her furniture, long flowing skirts with army boots, paisley scarves, and gossiping. She's really quite fun and a loyal and faithful friend. She loves animals and has two finches that she named Tank and Lula. She desperately wants a cat or dog but can't afford the upkeep.

Jeff loves to read, write, learn new things, computers, collecting movies, and he loves to laugh though he tends to be a bit depressed sometimes. He searches his soul and deeply examines hisself. He listens to alternative rock, especially the old grunge bands like Sound Garden, Pearl Jam, and Audioslave. On Friday nights you can usually find him dancing at a drum circle. He is the one always trying to figure out which character out of the lot is non-fictional, and is the one who is usually in charge of this blog.

Shackled Alice lives in the shadows of my unconscious and due to her tendency to get the others into trouble, has to stayed chained up there. She is the shadow side of my personality. She has a superior attitude, wears leather and lace, dark eye-liner, has killer tattoos. She loves to wear chains, body piercings, getting high, and can get herself into some seriously fucked-up situations. She also tries to kill herself and all the others when she gets pissed off or depressed. Any man without confidence, upon meeting her walking down the street, would be intimidated and step to the side. It's really a shame she has to stay tethered, and it is Audacious Deviant that lets her loose when Jeff and Spooky aren't aware.

Spooky is hard for me to write about because of his/her androgeny. Spooky really has no gender. He/She follows the moon cycles, checks his/her horoscope when he/she is in doubt, and reads tarot cards. He/She loves to study the different religions and loves it when he/she finds a similarity between them. Spooky is terribly shy but desperately wants to make friends. He/She wants to be able to go out and have fun but finds it difficult. He/She shares Jeff's love of reading and writing and sometimes Jeff lets him help with blogging. You might find Spooky burning Sage and casting a circle on one day and revering Shiva or Christ the next. Spooky was the first archetype Jeff found and that was because of a friend of his.

This post was originally started over a year ago as a draft and I have come back to it several times to add different aspects as I discovered them. The road of self-discovery is a hard but rewarding one and I urge each of you that reads this to take some time and think about the many facets of yourself. You might find the whole idea of archetypes of particular interest.

Enjoy Life!

Lo, Sentient!

Erlend Mork

The Search For Meaning

It was Viktor E. Frankl who wrote, "What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence." I decided to search for some other thoughts on self-transcendence. Here are a few of the things I found.

“He who loses himself will find himself”. Christ

“This process of transcendence is beyond the thinking of the mental man. It finds its existence in the self-giving of the psychic man. The psychic man becomes part and parcel of reality by identifying with reality itself. The thinking man, the doubting man, finds it extremely difficult or impossible to identify himself with that reality” Sri Chinmoy

"Self-transcendence is growing into your unfulfilled potential. Self-transcendence is moving beyond the orbit of your ego into your soul. Self-transcendence is gaining a new concept of self that is much expanded and includes more of the universe. Your little self disappears and is replaced by a vast self as old lines of separation disappear and former distinctions no longer bind you. You are part of much more than you know or imagine. The universe is interconnected. You are part of All That Is. The universe is non-local. You are everywhere. Only in the third dimension do you occupy such a small place in the scheme of things." Leland R. Kaiser

God, I hate facing death...not knowing when it is going to happen. It's driving me nuts. Do I continue to strive for my own potential or do I say, "Fuck it," and stay wasted?

Tao Te Ching

Verse II

All under heaven see beauty as beauty

only because they also see ugliness.

All announce that good is good

only because they also denounce what is bad.

Therefore, something and nothing give birth to one another.

Difficult and easy complete one another.

Long and short fashion one another.

High and low arise from one another.

Notes and tones harmonise with one another.

Front and back follow one another.
Thus, the True Person acts without striving

and teaches without words.
Deny nothing to the ten thousand things.
Nourish them without claiming authority,
Benefit them without demanding gratitude,

Do the work, then move on.
And, the fruits of your labour will last forever.

The Wisdom of Lao Tzu

As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

Enjoy Life...

Recipe For Making Friends

It's simple really...to make friends be a friend...

Bitchology

Being a bitch means…

I stand up for myself and my beliefs. I stand up for those I love. I speak my mind, think my own thoughts and do things my way. I won’t compromise what’s in my heart. I won’t allow anyone to step on me. I refuse to tolerate injustice. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be me.

So try to stomp on me, douse my inner flame, squash every ounce of beauty I hold within…You won’t succeed. If that makes me a Bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and I’m proud to be a Bitch!

Thoughts on Thoughts

I ran across this quote the other day and I thought I'd share it with you. Albert Einstein said, "The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking." It got me thinking about how our thoughts and emotions really do rule our lives. After reading the Einstein quote I decided to go ahead and look for more quotes about our thoughts. I decided to share some of the ones I found interesting.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." Benjamin Disraeli

"It is especially important to encourage unorthodox thinking when the situation is critical. At such moments every new word and fresh thought is more precious than gold. Indeed, people must not be deprived of the right to think their own thoughts." Boris Yeltsin

"You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." James Lane Allen

I hope you found them interesting too.

Enjoy Life!

Fort Cataclysm

It took me 15 minutes to get into my blog account this morning. Now that I've figured out the right set of passwords maybe I can get started journaling again. Sad thing is, now that I've gotten in I don't feel like writing. I think I'll watch "Roman Holiday" instead. Enjoy Life!

The Upcoming Moon

This past new moon I made it a point to cleanse all my crystals and charge them with the thought of helping me to transform myself, to change and feel better about things. With the upcoming full moon it seems that goal is starting to come to fruition. I've only been back in school a week and I can tell how much it is changing me. I'm not only feeling better, but I am starting to think in ways that I did back when I was going to the community college here in Asheville. It has however raised the issue of going to Church. I really miss it. It really is such a conflict for me. I wish I could somehow finally resolve it. Oh well, like one of my favorite songs, maybe tomorrow. Right now I've got my hands full with school. Enjoy Life!

"At every moment you choose yourself. But do you choose your self? Body and Soul contain a thousand possibilities out of which you can build many I's. But in only one of them is there a congruence of the elector and the elected. Only one - which you will never find until you have excluded all those superficial and fleeting possibilities of being and doing with which you toy, out of curiosity or wonder or greed, and which hinder you from casting anchor in the experience of the mystery of life, and the consciousness of the talent entrusted to you which is your I."

Hammarskjold

"It is as hard to see oneself as to look backwards without turning around." Thoreau

An Embodiment of Shiva

Ardhnarishwara

Taking the Plunge

I took the plunge and entered the Art Institute of Pittsburg's Web Design and Interactive Media curriculum. If I don't die first, I'll get my Bachelor's Degree in 1014. I really think I can do it this time. The last time I tried to go back to school I was still homeless, living on the streets and in a shelter. I expect it's going to get tough but hey, anything worth having is worth a little struggle.

"Yesterday's thoughts have created your present. Today's thoughts are creating your future."

James Newman

I have no clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, that's when you discover the stars.

Nancy Willard

Some Affirmations

I'm the captain of my own ship and I know the way.

It's my time to shine and I will step into the sun.

I have free choice in all I am, do, and have.

I will radiate warmth and enjoyment. Life is fun.

You are part of the plan, we need your spark.

I will joyfully transform my own life and destiny.

Chinese Goddess of Prosperity

Tank 2.0

Okay, so I got a new bird to replace Tank. Since Tank and Lula were names from a favorite series of books I've read, I didn't want to change the name of the male that had died. I decided to name the new male, Tank 2.0. And he sure is a bright, cocky, improvement over the old Tank and it was no time before Lula was sitting on several eggs. On New Year's Eve they hatched two babies...New year babies, how 'bout that?

So Tired...

I don't know if I've ever been this tired before. Ever. This past year has been so difficult. I've been through so many changes. I sit here trying to think of the words to describe it all to you so you could really understand and I just can't think of any. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? To look back at my life and realize it's all been meaningless? I look ahead and wonder if trying to make any drastic changes is really worth the effort. Would it make any difference in the grand scheme of my pathetic life? I wonder how much time I actually have left to do anything about anything. That is if I can even figure out what the hell that "anything" really is anyhow. Should I just give up, give in, and ride the rest of it out? What could I ever possibly do that would make all this make sense? What could possibly make up for all the mistakes I've made? How could I ever make up so much lost ground?

The post you have just read was first written on 8/17/08 ! It still exemplifies how I feel right now. It's 11/10/09 and a lot of shit has happened. I could tell ya a few things. Oh, and Tank died...and I never even introduced him to any of you...well shit...he's gone anyway, and it's left a terrible hole in my heart...not to mention Lula's. Poor Lula... These are/were Zebra Tailed Finches I got recently. I'm gonna get back on this blogging stuff. Ya'll take care...Enjoy Life...Ya better!

I Love You

Empty your venom sac into my brain

Hot heat lies and dellusion

They spread into my life threatening obsession and doubt

My expectations flung to the dead end dirt on the side of the road

My pitiful life drunk with self-judgement and abandoned like a beaten dog

I'm chained in the basement of your demonic heart

Your poison feels me with dreams of black clouds and lightning

While I listen for your footsteps on the stairs

Wishing Well

The Airborne Toxic Event

Tao Te Ching Verse XI

Thirty spokes connect to the wheel's hub;

yet, it is the centre hole that makes it useful.

Clay is shaped into a vessel;

yet, it is the emptiness within that makes it useful.

Doors and windows are cut for a room;

yet it is the space where there is nothing that makes it useful.

Therefore, though advantage comes from what is;

usefulness comes from what is not.

The Wisdom of Lao-Tzu
As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

Enjoy Life...

Gunnera

Isan

Gramarye

Remy Zero

On The Corner Of Death And Hell

I sit roasting on my own seat of judgment

condemning myself by the day

Hour by hour,

minute by minute...

This hot shitty stink hole

I live in I refer to as life...

trying my best to get by.

what is happy?

and unhappy?

and why?

does it matter anyhow?

Sometimes I can't wait

for this body to rot

just seep into the ground

a meadow somewhere

a beautiful meadow

Hell is here on this corner I've found

The shackles bind me

they blind me

they're mine

experiment iv

Erlend Mork

Tao Te Ching Verse I

The Tao that can be spoken of is not the eternal Tao.

The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and earth.

The name is the mother of the ten thousand things.
Send your desires away and you will see the mystery.

Be filled with desire and you will see only the manifestation.
As these two come forth they differ in name.

Yet at their source they are the same.

This source is called a mystery.
Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all mystery.

The Wisdom of Lao Tzu

As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

The reason I started doing these posts relating to the Tao Te Ching is because this verse came to mind after a recent conversation with a new acquaintance. We have different theological views. He is Christian and can't seem to tell me about his life without turning the conversation into a discourse on Jesus. I don't really have a problem with that, even though I no longer consider myself to be a Christian. I believe in Christ's teachings and feel they are certainly a way to "heaven;" however, I can't bring myself to believe he is the only way. When he said the only way to heaven was through him, I think he was meaning through living like him, not to the exclusion of other religions that teach the same ideals. I can't bring myself to believe in the Christian idea of hell either, but that's another story.

I had tried to explain to this guy why I preferred to say and hear the name Christ rather than Jesus. I'm sorry to have to say this, but everytime I hear the name Jesus, especially when said with that distinctive southern enunciation, I cringe. One reason has to do with events that occured during the time I was homeless. The other reason is, I feel Christians have taken advantage of the name "Jesus" to get their own way, and they really don't deserve to use the name. I won't even go into how I feel about the way Christians have used the words, "The Bible."

Getting back to the first verse of the Tao Te Ching, I'm still working on the part about desire. This part, to me, is like having a thought, "on the tip of your tongue." Since the ancient Chinese language is less rigid than English; and translating is almost impossible to do without loosing some part of the meaning, it's helpful to read several translations. I found a translation by Ron Hogan that I found slightly different, a little funny, but helpful nonetheless. I thought I'd share the part of verse 1 that speaks of desire with you.

Stop wanting stuff;
it keeps you from seeing what's real.
When you want stuff,
all you see are things.
Those two sentences
mean the same thing.
Figure them out,
and you've got it made.

There is also a translation by Ursula K. Leguin. Her translation puts it this way:

The unwanting soul

Sees what's hidden,

The ever-wanting soul

Sees only what it wants.

Enjoy Life...

The Forgotten Philosopher

"... I need not instruct you of my belief. Time gives all and takes all away; everything changes but nothing perishes. One only is immutable, eternal and ever endures, one and the same with itself. With this philosophy my spirit grows, my mind expands. Whereof, however obscure the night may be, I await the daybreak, and they who dwell in day look for night ... Rejoice therefore, and keep whole, if you can, and return love for love."

Giordana Bruno...16th Century Free Thought Martyr

Such A Long Time

I know. I know. If you drop in on my blog you probably think I no longer write anything. Well, in all honesty, a lot of what I post isn't original writing. It's my blog and I'll blog it like I want... how silly. Anyway, oh look a squirrel!

I just had to post the lyrics from this song. You're probably already familiar with it. It's just great. You know, it's really funny how my creator works in my life. I had been joking with a friend about making myself one of those advertising sandwich boards.

One side was going to display:

I'm Crazy As Hell

And Proud Of It

Oh Yeah, I'm Gay

And Proud Of That Too

Dammit!

Then on the back side it would display:

Fuck Yuns!

Fuck Yuns All!

Dammit!

Then I heard this song on the radio...

Break Your Heart

Oh people downcast in despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder everyday

People struggle
People fight for the simple pleasures in their life
The trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow
Self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
With nothing nice on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless
People cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred
Full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
You know [ a little love survives ]

Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
And don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody's going to choose your side
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
No no...

Natalie Merchant

Enjoy Life...

One Step Closer

Linkin Park

Scratching My Brain Tonight

Back in school I took an algebra class in which we studied systems of non-linear equations and how to graph them. I was under a lot of stress and one day I found a similarity between solving these systems and life. I decided that our life actually was a system of non-linear equations with God forever changing and adding variables. Our purpose was to find our x, y intercept point while maintaining a constant, progressive slope. It made sense to me then and it still does today.

Tonight I was researching the Hepatitis C virus and possible ways to slow down its replication and thereby decrease the resulting liver damage the virus causes. I found that the interactions between the replicating virus, liver cells and different types of immune responses (CTL and antibodies) are highly complex and non-linear. I'm sitting here thinking and scratching my brain.

Have you been tested for Hep C? Trust me, it's a silent killer. If you want to learn more about your liver and Hepatitis C, and I suggest you should, there are some really informative videos here.

Enjoy Life!

What A Day!

I don't know about you guys but I am so glad Obama is our new president. I was watching the inaugural parade this evening and my heart kept swelling. If I had allowed myself I could have started crying. It seems like the whole country is excited and looking to the new president with such hope. Something we haven't had much of in awhile. I can almost imagine what it must have been like when John F. Kennedy was elected.

AND DID YOU SEE THE GAY & LESBIAN MARCHING BAND!!!???!!! And lord honey, weren't those cupcake colored hoop skirts on the ladies(?) that followed the band just the deal??? LOL!!! So cool!!! Yes, the WHOLE country has reason to hope...

Enjoy Life...And Stay Warm (It's extremely cold here!)

A New Direction

I just got finished cleaning up The Conscious Cataclysm and I feel a lot better about it. I've finally decided how I want to organize everything and I think I have a general focus for the blog. Cataclysm will sort of be a journal with my personal thoughts. Thoughts I have about my day to day life. I'll also be sharing some of my music collection. From time to time, I'll be posting pictures and artwork that I find.

I have another blog that is a very slow developing experiment. I'm going to try my hand at writing fiction. There are some pretty interesting characters and it will be sort of like reading a soap opera...if it turns out the way I want. You can find The Abyss Of Awarness at: taofa.blogspot.com

By the way, The Conscious Cataclysm has a new URL. the new address is: tccataclysm.blogspot.com.

Enjoy Life Peoples!

Once Again, Begin Again

Wow, three months have gone by! I didn't even realize it had been that long. I thought that with the beginning of the new year I would start blogging again. Unfortunately, now that I have logged into Blogger, I find myself strangely empty. I decided to go through my music videos and share one with you. The only one that came close to how I'm feeling right now is this one. Like the song, maybe tomorrow I'll start blogging again. I sure hope the coming year is better than this past one...Enjoy life!

Maybe Tomorrow

Stereophonics

Me, Myself, And I

My I seems to be in disagreement with my me. As a result The Conscious Cataclysm as my our knew it will be no more. When my we comes to terms with my our and my they can decide what my their intentions are The Conscious Cataclysm will return in a new form.