An Apperception Of I
My I seems to be in disagreement with my me. As a result The Conscious Cataclysm as my our knew it will be no more. When my we comes to terms with my our and my they can decide what my their intentions are The Conscious Cataclysm will return in a new form.
I am connected with the rhythm of life, with the rhythm of those dancing around me. I love them and I love myself. I am them and they are me. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways and it's as though I've always known them and always will. We are meant to be here together at this one particular point in time, which in fact feels like it has never had a beginning and will never have an end. We move as one at times and at other times we're like little planets orbiting our own being.
I am connected to the drummers on so many levels. At times my attention is drawn to their hands, at other times I will lock eyes with one of them and for an instant it's like being hypnotized. There are a few drummers that I can recognize it's them, even if I happen not to be looking at them. Their personal style of drumming is like a call to my soul. It draws my attention to them and I become physically connected to the beat of their spirit. My body seems taken over by their rhythm and I soar.
Enjoy Life!
My first post on The Conscious Cataclysm was on July 3rd of last year. A lot has happened in that time. Some things I’ve shared, others I haven’t. It seems that lately, when I try to write, nothing will come out. I haven’t been posting regularly because of it. Even now, I feel like I’m staring at a blank chalkboard.
Since it’s the beginning of a new year for my blog, I’m going to try to get back in the swing of things. I’ve been doing some thinking in the past few weeks and I’ve decided to try to get out of my own way. I’ve been working with the mistaken idea that my own power and efforts would be enough to overcome all my doubts, my fears, all this life’s problems. If I worked hard enough at it, maybe if I dug deep enough, if I changed this, if I didn’t do that, if I could just find that one missing puzzle piece, then finally everything would be all right. I was wrong.
I’m not saying that I’m going to give up trying to improve myself and to find dignity and meaning in my life. I’m just saying that I’m going to spend more time just being. I’ve been working so hard at this journey; I’ve forgotten to enjoy the path. Enjoy life.
And with the early dawn moving right along, I couldn't buy an eyeful of sleep. And in the aching night under satellites, I was not received.
Built with stolen parts, a telephone in my heart, someone get me a priest. To put my mind to bed, this ringing in my head, is this a cure, or is this a disease?
Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live.
And in the afterbirth on the quiet earth, let the stains remind you. You thought you made a man, you better think again, before my role defines you.
Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live.
And in your waiting hands I will land, and roll out of my skin. And in your final hours I will stand. Ready to begin. Ready to begin. Ready to begin. Ready to begin.
Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Show me how to live. Show me how to live. Show me how to live...
AudioSlave
I say I'm naked because I’m getting ready to bare my soul once again here on The Conscious Cataclysm, and I had to get the duct tape out because my face has cracked. Actually, over the past few weeks my poor face has been shattered. All the masks that I’ve worn in the past lay at my feet. Some don’t feel like they fit anymore and some are all mixed up in pieces along with my face. You would think I’d be used to this shit by now. How many times am I going to create masks to wear in order to live a life I think I’m living only to have them ripped off my face? Should I just let my face heal and go on from here without any? Don’t answer that. I don’t think I’m ready to hear what I know you’ll say.
For those of you who don’t know, 29 weeks ago, I started a 48 week course of treatment to rid myself of the Hepatitis C virus. I had a 50% chance of success. I became the lead cheerleader for what I would have to call a positive attitude metaphysical healing kundalini and energy flow raising walk through the fire technique, and let me tell you, I had some really big pom-poms. They’re on top of the pile of masks and facial parts. The next two articles in the series on self-improvement I had planned to post are on the bloody pile as well.
I suppose it was fitting to find out on Friday the 13th that I now have less than 2% chance of my treatment being successful. My cheers of, “I’m going to beat this thing by using visualization and positive energy techniques!” are gagging on screams of, “I’ve never even been able to win at those stupid scratch-off lottery cards! How the fuck am I going to win at this?” I’m sorry for the foul language, but dammed!
Sure, my treatment has gone pretty good. My viral count was over four million to begin with and now it’s down to around six thousand. That’s good, but not really good enough. My viral count should be lower at this point. The doctor asked me to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the treatment.
I also realized that next month I will have been working on The Conscious Cataclysm for a year. I’ve built up a pretty good readership from time to time, but like my life, it has no real purpose or direction and is pretty much heading nowhere. My readership has hit an all-time low. I honestly don’t know if I even want to put forth the effort. It would be simpler to just buy a notebook. Are any of you getting what I’m saying? Do any of you give a shit? Aren’t any of you going through anything like this? I think I may give up.
Enjoy life...
Black Label Society
I've been around this world, Yet I see no end. All shall fade to black again and again. This storm that’s broken me, my only friend. Yeah In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black Ain't no coming back Withdraw a step away, just to find my self The door is closed again, the only one left This storm that’s broken me my only friend Yeah In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black Ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black Ain't no coming back
In the past I have set my sights on a particular goal and after thinking about it, convinced myself it wasn’t possible. I have heard myself say things like, I can’t do that. I’m not good enough, smart enough, look good enough. I’m not worthy of doing or having something like that. I've even experienced fear when I've considered what it would really be like to achieve my dreams.
One of my obstacles, as you can already tell, is my way of thinking. I start thinking of catastrophes that could befall me along any path toward achieving a goal. If this happens then that will happen and then of course I will have to do this because if I don’t that will happen as a result. Oh wait, I didn’t even consider how all this will affect something. On and on, until I start getting anxious, confused, and frustrated. I mentally throw in the towel and say, God, I can’t do that. It’s too complicated. It’ll be too hard. I’m not smart enough to keep it all together. Some of these “worries” are valid concerns and some of them are not. If it is a valid concern, I need to consider it and plan accordingly. Like knowing what you truly want, cyclical thinking and such are topics for another time.
Overcoming this fear of achieving, however, is my topic, and I have decided to use a few techniques to help me along my way. I’m including a few statements of intent that I’ve decided to use which make use of the techniques I’ve found. There are going to be more to follow in the next few days. If you are in the same rowboat as I am with this, maybe you will find these statements helpful. If you are already achieving your dreams and passing us in your sailboat, give us an encouraging smile, scroll on down, and watch a music video or look at some of the pictures. We will see you back on shore!
Can’t Never Did Nothing!
I will believe that what I want can be done, by me. Oh, but yes I can!
I will put tighter reins on my way of thinking. I will notice how I respond to things that happen and my attitude toward my life in general. I will be more positive in my outlook, and reward myself frequently for any achievements or milestones.
I am going to accept that, not only am I worthy of Divine Abundance, it is my right. My God does not require suffering or sacrifice. By the way, your religion is not my government.
What I focus on, and practice every day, is what my life will look like. I will be aware of when I am judging or limiting myself, and correct it. Every day I will do something toward achieving my goals, no matter how small.
I would like to share a small personal victory of mine with you. It may seem kind of childish and insignificant to you, but to me it's a pretty big deal. I have mentioned the drum circle we have here in Asheville, North Carolina, USA several times. I have also mentioned how my friend has helped me to be able to get out on the dance floor, let myself go, and experience the healing potential of the circle. I have been unable to get out there on my own though. I have had to wait until she got there to be able to dance. Because of her job, she doesn’t get there until late. Last night, I was able to get out there by myself, before she got there.
Enjoy life!
Wow guys, I've been so busy! I'm so glad spring is finally here. I went to my first drum circle of the year. For those of you that don't know, I'm in Asheville, NC and every Friday night we have a large drum circle downtown that 's incredible. This last Friday night the moon was waxing in Cancer and Mars had just gone into Leo, an awesome conjunction for me, and I truly rode it for all it was worth. The energy is still with me, even though the circle was four days ago and the Moon has moved on into Virgo. Mars is still in Leo, and will be until July 1st. Even though I haven't posted, I've been thinking about you guys. I have a list of things I want to write about, so be sure to come back!
On Sunday, I had the opportunity to meet the matriarch of a super family that came into town, from the High Point area, to celebrate Mother’s Day. Ms. Didit’s uncle hosted a cookout for the event. My own mother died several years ago in May, but I really don't miss her as I used to. She seems to have become a part of me, I feel her love and guidance at all times. I had a wonderful time celebrating, not only the memory of my own Mother, but the wonderful company of Ms. Didit’s family. Ms. Poofy was able to go with us, which just added to the fun. They are actually the beginnings of my small, but growing, urban tribe and I was glad the three of us could share the time together. It really was a lot of fun.
I'm progressing rather well in my energy work, as well as in my personal development work. Just a few posts back, I wrote about some of the things I wanted to work on. I'm not sure I've mentioned the energy work. It is intense, takes a lot of my concentration at all times, and is the foundation of all my present healing and growth. I'm open to talking about the work I'm doing to heal myself from the wounds of the past and take responsibility for the person I've become, but as far as for writing it here, I just can't. If you're interested, email me. My email address is in my full profile. Make sure you put, "A Comment On Your Blog," in the subject line. I love intelligent discussion in the areas of metaphysical healing, and religion in general.
So, there you have an update. I know all of you were dying to know what I was up to! Keep in mind, I write this for my own benefit as well as to be entertaining. Remember that I really do have some interesting things to write about in the next couple of weeks, so try and find some time to stop back by. I need the company! Enjoy life!
Lost In A Crowd Live In St. Louis 11/30/96
Ecstacy
Beautiful People Live In St. Louis 11/30/96
Four hours now since them. I’m tired, weak, achy, and would love to sleep, but can’t for some reason tonight. This shit always plays around with my mind a bit, but I’m much stronger than it is. Or so I like to think. You’ll forgive me for my making this one long paragraph, and for not concentrating too hard on my grammar, spelling, or punctuation, if you can truly imagine what I’m going through that is. Today was an unusual day, well, actually, today was a continuation of yesterday, which sounds odd, but if you knew me it would make perfect sense. When I woke yesterday, it seemed I had more purpose and drive than I’ve had in a week or so. Of course, the hot tea laced with a double shot of cane sugar and honey might have had something to do with it. I naturally rode the sugar out into orbit and got a lot accomplished on my computer. But even after the inevitable crash back to earth, the heightened awareness and focus continued. Welcome to just a taste of mania. It was kind of nice after a couple of weeks of fighting back depression. I continued to stay on my computer all day, taking breaks only to eat and of course use the bathroom. I never left my apartment, not even to get my mail. I did manage to retire gracefully enough, even if it was around three o’clock this morning. Naturally, the first thing I did was get on this thing, the closest of my closest friends. The only “one” I can truly share what I’m really like with. I really feel guilty for saying that. I have some wonderful friends, with whom I share almost everything; but, as we all know, there are those little things that you really can’t tell anyone. I confided in my buddy for about seven hours when I finally decided to force myself to take a walk. But where could I go? What could I do? Having only about fourteen cents to my name left me with very few options. I finally decided that, since I haven’t been happy with the book I’ve been trying to read, I’d walk to the library and check out a couple of books I’ve been meaning to get to. I was actually in the process of searching the online library catalog when my DSL connection failed; a minor incident to some, but a catastrophe to me. Good thing I had decided to go for a walk. This is where it got unusual. I called my internet service provider and the tech walked me through troubleshooting the problem from my end without any success. In the process of making sure he had all the correct information he needed from me to fill out a troubleshooting ticket that needed further investigation, I realized he repeated my phone number back to me wrong. His caller ID was showing that I had called from a number that wasn’t mine. Odd… I had heard another call coming in while I was talking to him and just let the answering service get it; so, when I hung up I accessed the service. It was some other guy’s voicemail. Very Odd… I immediately called my phone service to report the problem. I was told they would have the problem fixed by Thursday. Oh My God! Two whole twenty-four hour days away! Now mind you, a day without the internet is like, well, like not a day for me. I’m quite proud of how I took the news. I took the news in stride and continued with my plans to walk to the library. I’m really glad I did for several reasons. As I was leaving my apartment, I realized that I hadn’t picked up the refill for one of my injections for tonight. Have you ever heard it said that God takes care of you when you aren’t able to? Humm… I grabbed my cold pack that I use to transport the injections from the pharmacy. It was actually a pretty day, kind of chilly, but nice even so. After picking up my prescription, I stopped in the park across the street to have a cigarette before I went on to the library. I was enjoying my smoke, lost in thought, when an acquaintance noticed me and came over to talk. We sat down together and had a very nice talk. I’m glad things happened the way they did because I got to know him a little better and he’s really a very nice man. After exchanging my contact information with him, which I hope he remembers because I’d like to talk with him again, I went on to the library feeling just a little bit lighter for some reason. I found the books I had wanted, one of which was Jack Kerouac’s, On The Road: The Original Scroll, which I’ve been wanting to read, and I walked home with my shots, my books, and my hopes. Even though I was fully prepared for being isolated from the world, the first thing I did was check the DSL light on my modem. It was on! I called a friend, and yes, my phone number was my own again! Was this all some masterminded plan to get me out of the house for Christ’s sake? I had decided to do it on my own, thank you very much; I don’t need such extreme measures. I don’t want to be traumatized in the process. Well, I’ve reached the end of my story for tonight. Have I put you to sleep? It sure didn’t work on me…I’m going to have to find something else to occupy me. Enjoy life!
Barra Barra (Out! Out!)
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction, jealousy ; there is no trust left
barra barra
Thirst and people are unluck
barra barra
No honour, but oppression and slavery
barra barra
Rivers were dried up and seas have ruined everything
barra barra
Stars are switched off and the sun went down
barra barra
There are no trees left and the birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are neither days, nor nights left, darkness only
barra barra
Hell ; there is no beauty left
barra barra
(solo of mandolute and ululation)
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
barra barra
Ruin and war and the blood is flowing
barra barra
There are only walls left, walls standing up
barra barra
Fear and people remain silent
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction and jealousy ; there is no trust left
barra barra
Rivers were dried up and seas have ruined everything
barra barra
Stars are switched off and the sun went down
barra barra (in a low voice, plus crescendo)
barra barra
There is neither good, nor happiness, nor luck anymore
barra barra
There are no trees left; the birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are neither nights, nor days left; darkness only
barra barra
Desolation, hell, there is no beauty left
barra barra
(Silence)
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
barra barra
Ruin and war and the blood is flowing
barra barra
There are only walls left, walls standing up
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction and jealousy ; there is no trust left.
Stars are switched off, and the sun went down
barra barra
There is neither good, nor happiness, nor luck left
barra barra
There are no trees left ; birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are no neither nights nor days left; darkness only
barra barra
Desolation, hell, there is no beauty left
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
Barraaaaa! Barraaaaa, Barraaaa, Barraaaaaa!
Rachid Taha
I look into the future and actually see opportunities. I see things I might accomplish. I see a window of opportunity, and even though I want to take advantage of it, I'm afraid to open the shades and take a look at what's there. Knowing which of my limitations are real and which are self-imposed is a real problem for me.
I took some time earlier today to look at some of these things...again...and came up with some things I feel I need to address and work on. There are two reasons I'm sharing these things with you. One reason is the fact that some of you may be going through a similar situation, it's nice to think I might be helping someone else get through their own "crisis." The second reason is simply that by writing these things down here in The Conscious Cataclysm it reinforces them in my thick head.
I found that now may be a time to let go of some of my worries and self-doubt, to take a leap of faith rather than fear making a choice. I feel, in some areas, my attitude toward my abilities is very immature. I may even be avoiding responsiblity. I listen to advice on these matters but don't follow through with it. I need to believe in myself, in my instinctive nature as well as my rational abilities, and trust my heart. I heard it said somewhere that sometimes resistance is more foolish than risk.
I do have two distinct goals that I would like to achieve at the moment. I now, upon reflection, know that in order to make these goals a reality there are certain things I must do. I must widen my knowledge in the areas I've chosen to pursue. Now may very well be the time for me to "get on with it." I know that the more I put into the preparation and work, the more successful I'll be. I must persevere. I have a tendency to get bogged down with tedious, repetitive details. I will have to break the work up into manageable tasks, and break up the monotony a bit.
As much as I've whined about self-examination lately, it really is true that I need complete self-awareness now. I tend to drag old feelings of hurt, pain, inadequacy, and betrayal into present day situations. I have to realize that I'm not alone in these feelings. When I feel alone in them I become heartbroken and fearful. I need good old logic and reason to help me remember that I'm not alone in these things. My pain is also someone else's pain. I need to examine my issues with care and continue to talk with others about them.
At this time in my life I have got to find strength, determination, and the courage of my convictions. It's not so much physical strength I need but mental and emotional strength. It's time for me to face these things if I'm ever going to achieve any results.
I have something inside me that needs expression. I've made a start here on The Conscious Cataclysm, but I feel there's more. Whatever it is, I don't recognize it yet. I have to face up to this challange with logic and firmness. I have to believe in myself. I mustn't doubt my motivations or intentions. I have to be ready to leap into action, and be objective about my limitations. I have to face the facts and let go of bitterness and disillusion from the past in order to ever be able to move forward. With every challenge there is the opportunity to make something better of my life.
Enjoy life!
It’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything here and it has weighed heavily on my mind. The Conscious Cataclysm has been an important, integral part of my life for almost a year. I would like to say that I’ve had nothing of value to write lately, but that wouldn’t be the case. There have been a lot of things I could have written about. Happy things, sad things, funny things, embarrassing things… I’ve thought in the back of my mind that I wanted to share all my recent thoughts and feelings with you. In some small way, if you’re a regular reader, you know where I’ve been, and hopefully have some idea of where I’m going…or as much of an idea as I have at this point.
The simple fact is, I haven’t known how to express what I’ve experienced in the past month. Somehow, this intense path of personal development and healing I’ve been on has changed. It’s gotten confusing and a bit overwhelming. All this searching for the divine, for a sense of self that I can truly feel comfortable and proud of, this constant self-examination, all this work toward healing physically, spiritually, and emotionally has gone to a different level. I really can’t explain it. It’s just different. I’m thinking about things in a new and different way. It’s almost like some of the things that have been hidden for so long are coming into the light. The problem is the fact that these “revelations” aren’t coming one at a time. They are bombarding me, and it’s a bit confusing.
This may seem odd, but even as a child I was aware of a deeper, spiritual aspect of life. I’ve worked really hard to understand, connect with, and incorporate that divine power into my life. I hesitate to call my decision to follow this spiritual path a choice, or even say it was a decision. It seemed to be the only true and right path for me to take. It’s more than the thirst for knowledge, or curiosity, it’s an intense need and drive deep within me. However, the path itself has been extremely difficult. At times, I’ve purposely strayed from the course. But, I was on the path even then. The denial was actually a part of the journey.
The possibilities opening up to me now, after so long of being shut away as impossible, are kind of frightening. I find myself not knowing what direction I want to focus on. There’s also the fact that my mind seems ready to take action, but physically, because of the Interferon, I don’t feel much like doing anything. I did have some really good news concerning my health. When I started the treatments for Hepatitis C in January, my viral count was 4 million, 160 thousand. The last blood tests I had done showed that the count has dropped to 124 thousand. I feel confident that the combination of medications, my visualization techniques, and my concentration on positive energy flow, have all had a dramatic affect on the virus.
I’m hoping to get back to making regular posts from here on out. Enjoy life!
I am really kind of heartsick tonight. I just saw the videos of the Olympic torch lighting ceremony protests. China's spitting in the eye of the world, and the world's just wiping it off with an indifferent shrug.
I was also appalled at an article I found a few moments later. What's worse, I am ashamed that it was written by Mary Frances Forrester, the wife of an American Senator from my home state of North Carolina. I wish I had read the article, "The Real Homosexual Agenda" when it was first published on February 29, 2008. I would have urged every Homosexual/Bisexual/Transgender person that read my words to use the "contact us" link on their ignorant, misguided, souls of sheep website, to inundate them with protest mail. I actually couldn't help myself; I used the link and spoke my mind. I had to.
I wish I could do something to help my GLBT Family.
I wish I could do something to help Tibet.
I wish I could do something to help Darfur.
I wish I could do something to help the poor children being born into this fucked up world.
I wish I could do something to help...
I wish I could do something...
I wish I could...
I wish...
Enjoy life???
You know, I think I enjoy coming up with titles for my posts more than I like actually writing them... Ms. Didit and I have spent the entire month of February getting her moved out of her old apartment and into her new one. I have to say, I really enjoyed helping her unpack, organize, and decorate regardless of how exhausting it was.
I really haven't had much time to even think about my own "stuff". My medications got a little screwed up and at the same time my blood counts dropped severely. It became necessary for me to give myself an injection of Neupogen along with my weekly Inteferon and daily Ribavirin. I managed to get a laptop to use while I'm rebuilding my desktop computer. That's really all I have to talk about this post. I just wanted to stay in touch. I will mention that I'm having a lot of fun on a website I found and I think I'll share it with you guys. It's called, PostCrossing. For every postcard you send, you receive one back from a random postcrosser somewhere in the world. I've gotten some pretty cool postcards and some pretty cool stamps. I've made a couple of friends as well. Enjoy life!
This is a quote found and copied several years ago, while homeless and living at Calvary Shelter. It was found while helping Debra move into her apartment, Thursday, February 21, 2008. The Moon was still under the influence of being full in Virgo with a lunar eclipse the previous night. A very intense period; I had a message from the other realm that night involving my shoes, and my Grandmother’s quirky attempts at contacting me. I had just a glimpse of a deeper meaning, involving my walk. “It’s all in the walk.” It hit pretty strongly and I had to take about ten minutes to cry, reflect, and regroup. Walking through this life can be like the people who walk through fire without getting burnt. You have to have the same mindset when faced with adversity.
We did an extensive personal and environmental cleansing that felt very effective.
The Quote:
In a dream I walked with God through the deep places of creation; past walls that receded and gates that opened, through hall after hall of silence, darkness and refreshment-the dwelling place of souls acquainted with light and warmth-until, around me, was an infinity into which we all flowed together and lived anew, like the rings made by raindrops falling upon wide expanses of calm dark waters.
Unknown Source…
This is intensely personal to write. Though looking forward to going to my real eternal home, I'm not ready to leave this one yet. I've only begun to learn the things I'm here to learn. I've only had glimpses of the things I need to see, and the glimpses have been through a sheer veil. I am uncertain at this point of the effectiveness of the treatment I have been undergoing. I certainly do not feel well, but I remain active, I remain hopeful, I try to stay positive, I maintain my sense of humor with loving care, as it is the one thing that pulls me through. I depend on the love, support, and guidance of my friends, family, and caretakers. I depend on my loving creator’s greater knowledge of what is to happen. I trust in that. I have faith in that. Enjoy life…
The past few weeks have certainly been a whirlwind of activity. Somehow, I've managed to remain positive, even though at times it's been hard. In the past two weeks, I've had a number of medical appointments. One of which was with my new psychiatrist. At one point in our initial visit, he wanted to check my memory. He gave me a list of random words to remember, then he continued to talk with me and ask me questions. Naturally, I obsessed over the list while I tried to respond to his questions and comments. After several minutes, he asked me to repeat the list. I repeated what I thought to be the correct answers. He gave me a perplexed grin and asked, "Do you realize you alphabetized the list???" I busted out with laughter and amazement. I had done it without even knowing it. Maybe I should plan a trip to Vegas... Enjoy life!
Since November, I've been faced with one crisis after another. I've tried my best to remain positive and hopeful despite all the difficulties that have come my way. Quite a few times, however, I caught myself whining to my friends and family. After only a few "black parades" I started getting sick of my own moaning. I quickly began to develop some anti-whining strategies. At times I simply changed the subject. At other times, I found some lesson I could learn from my problems to discuss. The best times though, were when I was able to find the humor in the overwhelming volume of pure shit being slung at me. The power of laughing your ass off while bawling your eyes out is truly amazing.
Now, for the first time since it all started, I welcome you to read, "The rest of the story." A story that should probably be titled, "The Time HopeAbounds4Me Almost Forgot His Name."
If you haven't read my profile, I need to explain that I am currently receiving disability benefits due to my Bi-Polar Disorder, and two other diagnoses. With medication, my Bi-Polar Disorder is usually manageable. There are times, however, when I'll cycle into a manic state. When this happens my good judgement flies out the window. I usually get an overwhelming need to put on a diamond and pearl studded tiara, get high, and go on an extravagant shopping spree...Like I'm some kind of exiled, near homeless member of an ancient royal lineage. This, of course, is why the Social Security Administration found it necessary for me to have a payee representative, to help me "monitor" my bank account. Good God, Anyway...
When I received my November checks in the mail from my payee at the time, the lovely, magnanimous Ms. Nancy Baker, (Cough...) She had included a short and sweet letter stating she could no longer be my payee because she was moving to Montana (like some 70's Frank Zappa song). After my disability check was deposited in December, my bank account would be closed. I would be getting a check in the mail for the closing balance. Have a nice day...(Thank you so much Nancy!) Naturally, this triggered my anxiety disorder.
Oh my God! What would I do? Was I about to lose everything I had worked so hard for two years to achieve? Who would I get to be my new payee? Would they understand my need for more and more crystals and books? Would they let me get the second monitor I've dreamed of? Good God! What if I wound up homeless again?
It's actually a wonder I'm not scared to death to check my mail. A week after my wonderful letter from Ms. Montana, I received a letter from my doctor informing me that she had placed the order for my chemotherapy drugs. The drugs would be arriving at my pharmacy in about two weeks; and, I would be starting the treatments the following week. Gulp... I had known it was coming, but now it was a reality, and would be for the next fourty-two weeks. My anxiety reached maximum overdrive triggering a manic episode.
Actually, my memories of November and December are a bit vague and fuzzy. Some things I don't remember at all. I think that's probably a good thing. Thank God I had enough sense to pay November's rent before I grabbed my tiara and tore out the door. I won't go into the bizzare details, but the next thing I knew I was in detox. Dammit...
I've been fighting this thing for years now; and, if there's one thing I've definitely learned it's this: When I finally realize that I've been in an anxiety induced manic state; and I kind of know what the hell is REALLY happening, I have to pick myself up, clean myself off, and get busy trying to salvage and save anything I have left.
That's exactly what I did. I was relatively lucky this time. I did manage to save everything, but I lost yet another piece of my pride. It's been a helluva battle. I guess I should feel good about making it through this shit one more time.
I've faced eviction this month because I didn't get my January check until last week. I honestly think if I were to become homeless again, I'd die this time.
I also didn't think I'd make it through the first weeks of chemotherapy. It was like nothing I've ever had to endure. For days I had to sleep on trash bags because of uncontrollable diarrhea, shaking and sweating with fever. Thank God, once again, my body has adjusted somewhat to the drugs. I still have my bad days but not like at first.
Now, as if I hadn't been through enough, my kitchen sink is clogged, one of my living room windows is broken, and my computer has died the final death. WWWAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
I don't know if anyone can truly understand what my desktop computer at home means to me. It's my lifeline and main coping strategy. Now, without it, my small apartment is completely void of external stimuli. No TV, no radio, nada... The sounds from the hall, and the sounds of my neighbors in their apartments are all I have to listen to now. I know my anxiety is the cause, but at times, the clatter of life moving on around me, seems to amplify and intensify. It really gets tough sometimes, but I'm making it through it though. I'm hanging on.
But wait! I think I still have an old walkman packed away somewhere. I wonder if I have enough money for batteries? Ahh, this mortal realm...You gotta love it! Enjoy life...