With The New Moon In Leo

A journal post is long overdue, so I guess I’ll write one. I should try and describe the feelings I’m having of trying to climb, crawl, scratch, and claw my way out of the wreckage of my life into a life of higher purpose.

Should I tell you all my past regrets? Should I make this a confession of some kind?

   

It’s all between me and the people that I have hurt….My Mother, who I loved beyond description, but with whom I could not develop any type of close relationship with? My Mother passed away quite a few years back, so making amends is impossible. My Father, who might not have passed yet, but who might as well have…for you see, I never knew him…..never even knew his name. I carry my Mother’s last married name. Not even her maiden name, but the last name of a man who was not my Father. My Grandmother, who loved me maybe even more than my own Mother? You might as well say I used all the love see had and then abandoned her. A shell of the person she ever was….constantly looking for me, seeing me even in strangers and other random people until the day she died.

There are other people that I have involved in my egoistic evolution. My regrets cause me to have an intense, almost irresolvable, sense of guilt, shame, and regret. The same strong emotions that have led me to attempt suicide on numerous occasions. Dreadful memories of past events haunt my sleep and flash into my mind during my days. It's almost as if I have PTSD... 

What do you make of it? A melancholy mess…one with no mercy of redemption or resolution because I can't seem to forgive myself, I can't seem to get over the embarrassing things I've done. A situation that won’t be resolved until there is an ending to it.  Death being what I mean.

But, I, as the one who has been the chief player in all these events, would like to know how I am ever to face my creator with all this madness shrouding me, and flowing along behind me like a bridal veil…an eternal cloth covering my stinking, rotting, corporal body…dragging itself to my maker.

I’m throwing myself into the study of Kabbalah in an effort to change my perception of reality, to try and actualize the point in my heart that yearns for my creator. I hope for comfort and peace.