Stalemate
I've really been stressing out about not writing any blog
posts. I can’t believe it has been almost two months. If you look at my
archives you’ll see that I haven’t written much at all since 2013 started. I
mentioned the fact that I had attempted suicide again in a post titled, “Lost”
on 3/25 and I really can’t say that I've been on any sort of path of recovery.
I've been more or less just getting through the days…one leading into another
in an endless progression of endlessness. I won’t say that I’m depressed
because I don’t think I am. I just have no clear idea of where I’m going or
what I’m doing and not much motivation to even find out. I don’t want to leave
my apartment. I don’t want to have to
see anybody and I don’t want them to see me.
There have been some strange occurrences of synchronicity
that got so frequent and intense that they really had me worried for awhile.
They still do as a matter of fact but not as bad. The majority of them honestly
seemed to have been like they were sent by God. Signs to show me the way I need
to go in order to heal myself and to show me the path I need to be on. Or at least
the direction in which the path lay. Then there were the strange synchronistic events
that seemed to reinforce my feelings of being watched, of being under some sort
of investigation. There were a few days the feelings and events got so strong I
honestly felt manipulated.
I don’t know what else to write until I can find some sort
of direction. I somehow feel like I have no moves I can make until whoever or
whatever is manipulating me makes a move. Without them making a move I don’t
know what my next move should be. If my
life were a chess game I guess I would be in a stalemate situation. In reading
about a stalemate in chess, the game is usually considered a draw. There would be the possibility of a swindle
but I could barely understand the strategy involved for the game of chess, much
less using that approach in my life.
I hope if you are reading this that you have a clear idea of
who you are and where you’re headed. If not, may you be sheltered by the love of God in your journey.