Dead Letter And The Infinite Yes

I found a letter it read

"Our existence has serious side effects"

Turned on, turned on the television

It's telling me the world is collapsing

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad?

And my therapist said

"We've evolved through a series of accidents"

There's been talk of chemical imbalances

Restless sense of detachment, nausea and or violence

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

I feel it coming, I think it's real and significant

I think I think I think a little too often

That's what my therapist said

We're alone in this wilderness

Left to choke on the pills and to feed on the viruses

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Wintersleep

Garden Of Exile

In the garden of exile,

You can never leave,

Apparently there's a back gate,

But I just don't believe it,

It's designed in such a way,

That each path eventually,

Leads you back to where you started,

In never ending aisles,

Walking

In the garden of exile.

In the garden of exile,

The exile sleep all day,

A flock of birds crosses the sky,

And the gulls the other way,

I rest my hand,

In the cool of the shade,

There's nothing but a humming,

As it crosses the tile,

In the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

In the garden of exile,

Our fathers built,

Statues of all the nation's heroes,

In the tops of the hills,

Everything's done before us,

Everything is will,

The future is the past,

There'll be no thinking for a while,

No thinking in the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

Toby Martin

Gianluca Nespoli

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe



In Your Skin

Lifehouse

The Man Who Planted Trees

In a gentle way you can shake the world.

Gandhi

I saw an extraordinary film about the life of Elzeard Bouffier, a humble shepherd who turned a wilderness into a lush forest. In a lifetime spanning two World Wars, while madmen killed each other for worldly power, this individual quietly and anonymously brought his world back to life, planting one acorn at a time. He not only created natural beauty, but contributed to healing an entire town that had fallen into despair?one man, working gently, living day to day seeding love wherever he went.

Each of us has a forest we can plant to bring our world back to life. Our trees may not be spruces; they may be children, songs, art, ideas, massage, repairs, writing, or any other gift that comes to us and through us.

What impressed me most about Elzeard Bouffier was the humility with which he conducted his forestry ministry. He was silent most of the time, he did not seek acknowledgment and never asked anyone to follow him. He simply knew what he had to do and went about the business of doing it.

I met Scott and Helen Nearing, the famous couple who initiated the back-to-the-land movement in the 1930s. Although the Nearings had well-paying jobs and comfortable city lives, they moved to the mountains of Vermont, grew organic food, heated with wood, and nurtured their land. At the time, they were laughed at and criticized. Now they are considered pioneers and virtual saints. I asked Helen, “How do you feel now that so many are doing what you began? ”

“It’s wonderful, ” Helen answered, “but that’s not why we did it. We did what we had to because it was right for us. If no one else ever followed, it would have been just as right. ”

What is your forest? How can you bring your world back to life? Begin today, one acorn at a time.

I pray to restore my world with color and beauty.

I bring my world to life.

This meditation is an excerpt from Alan Cohen's meditation book, "A Deep Breath of Life".

Where The Sidewalk Ends

 There is a place where the sidewalk ends

And before the street begins,

And there the grass grows soft and white,

And there the sun burns crimson bright,

And there the moon-bird rests from his flight

To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

And the dark street winds and bends.

Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow

We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And watch where the chalk-white arrows go

To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know

The place where the sidewalk ends.

Shel Silverstein



Street Song Serenade

A Second Chance

How many journal posts have I started by saying how long it has been since the last post? It's funny....but I'm going to have to do it again. It sure has been a long time. I have momentous news though and I thought I'd do a blog post.

My gastroenterologist is going to let me go back through the Interferon and Ribavirin treatment for my Hepatitis C. I came very close to getting rid of the virus when I went through the treatment the first time. However, if even one of the microorganisms is left it will quickly start to replicate again as mine did. This time through the treatment the doctors are adding a protease inhibitor called telaprevir. It's supposed to have a very high success rate and I'm feeling very, very hopeful. I feel the best psychologically right now that I've felt in a long time. I feel like I've been given a second chance and I have some motivation back. Now, as I look back, I realize that I've just been drifting through life not really caring about things. I knew I was dying and that idea consumed me.

Along with the constant thoughts about dying I have had a sense of shame about having this disease. I have felt that when people hear that I have Hep C, they think I must have been doing something shady or nasty to catch it. It is true that I could have been living with the virus since the 80's when I was into intraveneous drug use and shared needles. It's also just as possible I caught it by sharing razors with a lover I think might have been infected back in the 90's. Regardless of how I might have caught it, I have a second chance now of getting rid of it.

Erlend Mork

Gianluca Nespoli



Andrzej Radka

Full Moon In Gemini

It was a clear crisp night for this full moon. It really was pretty. I've been struggling with how to write about what I've been going through the past few months. I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole death thing. It really is more than just that. It's the fact that I'm so dissatisfied with things in my life and I stay so bored all the time. I will be okay and maintain a sense of balance for several weeks and then, Pow! I say "fuck it," get trashed, and try to kill myself. I believe deep down I'm thinking that I'm going to die anyway, why not just get it over with. I think I need a therapist!

I hope you are enjoying the photos and song lyrics and stuff that I've been posting. I may start writing some short stories on here or something. We'll see...

Enjoy Life!

Katerina Lomonosov

Andrzej Kcluk

Czech Professional Photographer

Jan Kruml

http://www.fotokruml.cz/

Twister

I need to hear you say goodbye.

I don't know why I hang around.

You will soothe the pain within my eyes

and then you leave without a sound.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Under the old back porch you knew

I loved you more than there and so,

you will let me fall back on my own

and where you were I'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown

There'll be sun, and

all eyes fall from heaven now.

See that I walk on.

That way.

So to the fall...

all stares, all breaks and no breaths.

Yeah, I walk on through the listen.

So you're sad, I turn away

to find out what I can be and so,

all these colors that shine within my soul,

and all I am, you'll never know.

Show me a sign and I'm

taking you home.

Give me the time to show

how I have grown.

Mmmm... it all works in

all harboured lands.

Something is real here, my

real bonney lass.

Something is real here and it's real there.

It's real here.

Something's habit and some...

some things happen.

Remy Zero

Queen Of Distress

I tried to find a cool quote for the beginning of this post but couldn't find one, so I'll just jump in and write a journal post.

The past few months have been a struggle and it appears the struggle will continue for awhile, but at  least now I have a clear mind...with the emphasis on for now...I feel better able to face things. For the past few months I've been The Queen of Distress, all depressed and complaining. I've decided to work toward finding more harmony in my life, both with others and between me and myself. I think my judgement hasn't been as sound as it should be and I hope now the veil has lifted and things will again be as they seem. I'm going to try and use my intuition more rather than my imagination. Hum...there's a topic in there somewhere.

Enjoy Life!

Third Quarter Moon In Leo

"What we know right now is immediate and personal: how we feel, what we want, whom we love. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. We don't go through life simply making good choices and bad ones. We go through life making who we are. Choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person." Deepak Chopra from "Life After Death"

Song To The Siren

On the floating, shipless oceans

I did all my best to smile

'til your singing eyes and fingers

drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you."

Did I dream you dreamed about me?

Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning,

Broken lovelorn on your rock.

For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow.

Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow."

I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.

I'm as riddled as the tide.

Should I stand amid the breakers?

Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing, "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you.

Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

This Mortal Coil

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

Edgar Allen Poe

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town

(with up so floating many bells down)

spring summer autumn winter

he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)

cared for anyone not at all

they sowed their isn't they reaped their same

sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few

and down they forgot as up they grew

autumn winter spring summer)

that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf

she laughed his joy she cried his grief

bird by snow and stir by still

anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones

laughed their cryings and did their dance

(sleep wake hope and then)they

said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon

(and only the snow can begin to explain

how children are apt to forget to remember

with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess

(and noone stooped to kiss his face)

busy folk buried them side by side

little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep

and more by more they dream their sleep

noone and anyone earth by april

wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)

summer autumn winter spring

reaped their sowing and went their came

sun moon stars rain

e.e. cummings

Bad Blood

"...Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Going to come back and take you home
I could not stop what you now know
Singing: come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease?..."
Coldplay/A Rush Of Blood To The Head/Clocks

I think I've told you before that I have Hepatitis C and how I've tried the Ribavirin/Inteferon cocktail. After finding out it was unsuccessful, I asked the doctor to tell me honestly how much time she thought I had left. She told me I had 3-5 years of relatively good health followed by 3-5 years of declining health...You have no idea of the range of emotions I have experienced since she told me that unless you're facing your own mortality. The past two years or so since I got the news that I was going to die have been almost unreal.

At first I think I was almost numb. I thought I accepted it and was okay with it. I was actually in the first stage of grieving for myself. I haven't done much reading on the subject of coming to terms with one's own death. I have however read about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and about Dr. Roberta Temes' theory that there are three types of behavior that people who are facing grief and loss go through. I believe both theories to be correct, but it is Dr. Temes' theory that I think fits me most.

The three stages of grief and loss that Dr. Temes wrote about in her book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief," are:

Numbness - the person functions by rote and tends to isolate or form a social insulation.
Disorganization - the person has intensly painful feelings of loss.
Reorganization - the person enters into a more normal social life.

A month ago I tried to kill myself (again). It was only through the help of a friend that EMT's were able to find me and save me. One of the things I promised myself when I was trying to recover from the suicide atempt was that I would start blogging on a more regular basis. I am hoping that I can get into the reorganization stage that Dr. Temes wrote about. The painful feelings I've had are still raw and hard to write about. Someone suggested that I write about it by using the pronoun he, so don't think I've completely gone off my rocker when you read any posts in the coming months. I might just start writing like I was Spooky writing about Jeff! God, sometimes I think I really am off my rocker...

Enjoy Life!

Shackled Alice Encounters Carl Jung

“What youth found and must find outside, the man of life’s afternoon must find within himself” Carl Jung

We spend the early part of our lives involved in education and learning skills. However nobody prepares us for the times when we start examining ourselves, for the times we look deep within ourselves and ask, "Who am I really?" Of particular interest to me are the many contradictory, sometimes conflicting, aspects of my personality.

I'd like to introduce you to several fictional characters and one not so fictional: Audacious Deviant, Jeff, the one and only Shackled Alice, and Spooky.

According to Jung's theories on Archetypes; Audacious Deviant would be my animus (the female), Jeff would be my anima (the male), and Shackled Alice would be my shadow. Spooky seems to have modeled himself after Casper the Friendly Ghost and I suppose would be my self.

Audacious Deviant is a bit prissy. She loves to take long walks in the garden smelling the flowers along the way. She loves going to art galleries, rearranging her furniture, long flowing skirts with army boots, paisley scarves, and gossiping. She's really quite fun and a loyal and faithful friend. She loves animals and has two finches that she named Tank and Lula. She desperately wants a cat or dog but can't afford the upkeep.

Jeff loves to read, write, learn new things, computers, collecting movies, and he loves to laugh though he tends to be a bit depressed sometimes. He searches his soul and deeply examines hisself. He listens to alternative rock, especially the old grunge bands like Sound Garden, Pearl Jam, and Audioslave. On Friday nights you can usually find him dancing at a drum circle. He is the one always trying to figure out which character out of the lot is non-fictional, and is the one who is usually in charge of this blog.

Shackled Alice lives in the shadows of my unconscious and due to her tendency to get the others into trouble, has to stayed chained up there. She is the shadow side of my personality. She has a superior attitude, wears leather and lace, dark eye-liner, has killer tattoos. She loves to wear chains, body piercings, getting high, and can get herself into some seriously fucked-up situations. She also tries to kill herself and all the others when she gets pissed off or depressed. Any man without confidence, upon meeting her walking down the street, would be intimidated and step to the side. It's really a shame she has to stay tethered, and it is Audacious Deviant that lets her loose when Jeff and Spooky aren't aware.

Spooky is hard for me to write about because of his/her androgeny. Spooky really has no gender. He/She follows the moon cycles, checks his/her horoscope when he/she is in doubt, and reads tarot cards. He/She loves to study the different religions and loves it when he/she finds a similarity between them. Spooky is terribly shy but desperately wants to make friends. He/She wants to be able to go out and have fun but finds it difficult. He/She shares Jeff's love of reading and writing and sometimes Jeff lets him help with blogging. You might find Spooky burning Sage and casting a circle on one day and revering Shiva or Christ the next. Spooky was the first archetype Jeff found and that was because of a friend of his.

This post was originally started over a year ago as a draft and I have come back to it several times to add different aspects as I discovered them. The road of self-discovery is a hard but rewarding one and I urge each of you that reads this to take some time and think about the many facets of yourself. You might find the whole idea of archetypes of particular interest.

Enjoy Life!

Lo, Sentient!

Erlend Mork

The Search For Meaning

It was Viktor E. Frankl who wrote, "What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence." I decided to search for some other thoughts on self-transcendence. Here are a few of the things I found.

“He who loses himself will find himself”. Christ

“This process of transcendence is beyond the thinking of the mental man. It finds its existence in the self-giving of the psychic man. The psychic man becomes part and parcel of reality by identifying with reality itself. The thinking man, the doubting man, finds it extremely difficult or impossible to identify himself with that reality” Sri Chinmoy

"Self-transcendence is growing into your unfulfilled potential. Self-transcendence is moving beyond the orbit of your ego into your soul. Self-transcendence is gaining a new concept of self that is much expanded and includes more of the universe. Your little self disappears and is replaced by a vast self as old lines of separation disappear and former distinctions no longer bind you. You are part of much more than you know or imagine. The universe is interconnected. You are part of All That Is. The universe is non-local. You are everywhere. Only in the third dimension do you occupy such a small place in the scheme of things." Leland R. Kaiser

God, I hate facing death...not knowing when it is going to happen. It's driving me nuts. Do I continue to strive for my own potential or do I say, "Fuck it," and stay wasted?

Tao Te Ching

Verse II

All under heaven see beauty as beauty

only because they also see ugliness.

All announce that good is good

only because they also denounce what is bad.

Therefore, something and nothing give birth to one another.

Difficult and easy complete one another.

Long and short fashion one another.

High and low arise from one another.

Notes and tones harmonise with one another.

Front and back follow one another.
Thus, the True Person acts without striving

and teaches without words.
Deny nothing to the ten thousand things.
Nourish them without claiming authority,
Benefit them without demanding gratitude,

Do the work, then move on.
And, the fruits of your labour will last forever.

The Wisdom of Lao Tzu

As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

Enjoy Life...

Recipe For Making Friends

It's simple really...to make friends be a friend...

Bitchology

Being a bitch means…

I stand up for myself and my beliefs. I stand up for those I love. I speak my mind, think my own thoughts and do things my way. I won’t compromise what’s in my heart. I won’t allow anyone to step on me. I refuse to tolerate injustice. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be me.

So try to stomp on me, douse my inner flame, squash every ounce of beauty I hold within…You won’t succeed. If that makes me a Bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and I’m proud to be a Bitch!

Thoughts on Thoughts

I ran across this quote the other day and I thought I'd share it with you. Albert Einstein said, "The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking." It got me thinking about how our thoughts and emotions really do rule our lives. After reading the Einstein quote I decided to go ahead and look for more quotes about our thoughts. I decided to share some of the ones I found interesting.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." Benjamin Disraeli

"It is especially important to encourage unorthodox thinking when the situation is critical. At such moments every new word and fresh thought is more precious than gold. Indeed, people must not be deprived of the right to think their own thoughts." Boris Yeltsin

"You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." James Lane Allen

I hope you found them interesting too.

Enjoy Life!

Fort Cataclysm

It took me 15 minutes to get into my blog account this morning. Now that I've figured out the right set of passwords maybe I can get started journaling again. Sad thing is, now that I've gotten in I don't feel like writing. I think I'll watch "Roman Holiday" instead. Enjoy Life!

The Upcoming Moon

This past new moon I made it a point to cleanse all my crystals and charge them with the thought of helping me to transform myself, to change and feel better about things. With the upcoming full moon it seems that goal is starting to come to fruition. I've only been back in school a week and I can tell how much it is changing me. I'm not only feeling better, but I am starting to think in ways that I did back when I was going to the community college here in Asheville. It has however raised the issue of going to Church. I really miss it. It really is such a conflict for me. I wish I could somehow finally resolve it. Oh well, like one of my favorite songs, maybe tomorrow. Right now I've got my hands full with school. Enjoy Life!

"At every moment you choose yourself. But do you choose your self? Body and Soul contain a thousand possibilities out of which you can build many I's. But in only one of them is there a congruence of the elector and the elected. Only one - which you will never find until you have excluded all those superficial and fleeting possibilities of being and doing with which you toy, out of curiosity or wonder or greed, and which hinder you from casting anchor in the experience of the mystery of life, and the consciousness of the talent entrusted to you which is your I."

Hammarskjold

"It is as hard to see oneself as to look backwards without turning around." Thoreau

An Embodiment of Shiva

Ardhnarishwara

Taking the Plunge

I took the plunge and entered the Art Institute of Pittsburg's Web Design and Interactive Media curriculum. If I don't die first, I'll get my Bachelor's Degree in 1014. I really think I can do it this time. The last time I tried to go back to school I was still homeless, living on the streets and in a shelter. I expect it's going to get tough but hey, anything worth having is worth a little struggle.

"Yesterday's thoughts have created your present. Today's thoughts are creating your future."

James Newman

I have no clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, that's when you discover the stars.

Nancy Willard

Some Affirmations

I'm the captain of my own ship and I know the way.

It's my time to shine and I will step into the sun.

I have free choice in all I am, do, and have.

I will radiate warmth and enjoyment. Life is fun.

You are part of the plan, we need your spark.

I will joyfully transform my own life and destiny.

Chinese Goddess of Prosperity

Tank 2.0

Okay, so I got a new bird to replace Tank. Since Tank and Lula were names from a favorite series of books I've read, I didn't want to change the name of the male that had died. I decided to name the new male, Tank 2.0. And he sure is a bright, cocky, improvement over the old Tank and it was no time before Lula was sitting on several eggs. On New Year's Eve they hatched two babies...New year babies, how 'bout that?

So Tired...

I don't know if I've ever been this tired before. Ever. This past year has been so difficult. I've been through so many changes. I sit here trying to think of the words to describe it all to you so you could really understand and I just can't think of any. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? To look back at my life and realize it's all been meaningless? I look ahead and wonder if trying to make any drastic changes is really worth the effort. Would it make any difference in the grand scheme of my pathetic life? I wonder how much time I actually have left to do anything about anything. That is if I can even figure out what the hell that "anything" really is anyhow. Should I just give up, give in, and ride the rest of it out? What could I ever possibly do that would make all this make sense? What could possibly make up for all the mistakes I've made? How could I ever make up so much lost ground?

The post you have just read was first written on 8/17/08 ! It still exemplifies how I feel right now. It's 11/10/09 and a lot of shit has happened. I could tell ya a few things. Oh, and Tank died...and I never even introduced him to any of you...well shit...he's gone anyway, and it's left a terrible hole in my heart...not to mention Lula's. Poor Lula... These are/were Zebra Tailed Finches I got recently. I'm gonna get back on this blogging stuff. Ya'll take care...Enjoy Life...Ya better!

I Love You

Empty your venom sac into my brain

Hot heat lies and dellusion

They spread into my life threatening obsession and doubt

My expectations flung to the dead end dirt on the side of the road

My pitiful life drunk with self-judgement and abandoned like a beaten dog

I'm chained in the basement of your demonic heart

Your poison feels me with dreams of black clouds and lightning

While I listen for your footsteps on the stairs

Wishing Well

The Airborne Toxic Event

Tao Te Ching Verse XI

Thirty spokes connect to the wheel's hub;

yet, it is the centre hole that makes it useful.

Clay is shaped into a vessel;

yet, it is the emptiness within that makes it useful.

Doors and windows are cut for a room;

yet it is the space where there is nothing that makes it useful.

Therefore, though advantage comes from what is;

usefulness comes from what is not.

The Wisdom of Lao-Tzu
As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

Enjoy Life...

Gunnera

Isan

Gramarye

Remy Zero

On The Corner Of Death And Hell

I sit roasting on my own seat of judgment

condemning myself by the day

Hour by hour,

minute by minute...

This hot shitty stink hole

I live in I refer to as life...

trying my best to get by.

what is happy?

and unhappy?

and why?

does it matter anyhow?

Sometimes I can't wait

for this body to rot

just seep into the ground

a meadow somewhere

a beautiful meadow

Hell is here on this corner I've found

The shackles bind me

they blind me

they're mine

experiment iv

Erlend Mork

Tao Te Ching Verse I

The Tao that can be spoken of is not the eternal Tao.

The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and earth.

The name is the mother of the ten thousand things.
Send your desires away and you will see the mystery.

Be filled with desire and you will see only the manifestation.
As these two come forth they differ in name.

Yet at their source they are the same.

This source is called a mystery.
Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all mystery.

The Wisdom of Lao Tzu

As Translated by Tolbert McCarroll

The reason I started doing these posts relating to the Tao Te Ching is because this verse came to mind after a recent conversation with a new acquaintance. We have different theological views. He is Christian and can't seem to tell me about his life without turning the conversation into a discourse on Jesus. I don't really have a problem with that, even though I no longer consider myself to be a Christian. I believe in Christ's teachings and feel they are certainly a way to "heaven;" however, I can't bring myself to believe he is the only way. When he said the only way to heaven was through him, I think he was meaning through living like him, not to the exclusion of other religions that teach the same ideals. I can't bring myself to believe in the Christian idea of hell either, but that's another story.

I had tried to explain to this guy why I preferred to say and hear the name Christ rather than Jesus. I'm sorry to have to say this, but everytime I hear the name Jesus, especially when said with that distinctive southern enunciation, I cringe. One reason has to do with events that occured during the time I was homeless. The other reason is, I feel Christians have taken advantage of the name "Jesus" to get their own way, and they really don't deserve to use the name. I won't even go into how I feel about the way Christians have used the words, "The Bible."

Getting back to the first verse of the Tao Te Ching, I'm still working on the part about desire. This part, to me, is like having a thought, "on the tip of your tongue." Since the ancient Chinese language is less rigid than English; and translating is almost impossible to do without loosing some part of the meaning, it's helpful to read several translations. I found a translation by Ron Hogan that I found slightly different, a little funny, but helpful nonetheless. I thought I'd share the part of verse 1 that speaks of desire with you.

Stop wanting stuff;
it keeps you from seeing what's real.
When you want stuff,
all you see are things.
Those two sentences
mean the same thing.
Figure them out,
and you've got it made.

There is also a translation by Ursula K. Leguin. Her translation puts it this way:

The unwanting soul

Sees what's hidden,

The ever-wanting soul

Sees only what it wants.

Enjoy Life...

The Forgotten Philosopher

"... I need not instruct you of my belief. Time gives all and takes all away; everything changes but nothing perishes. One only is immutable, eternal and ever endures, one and the same with itself. With this philosophy my spirit grows, my mind expands. Whereof, however obscure the night may be, I await the daybreak, and they who dwell in day look for night ... Rejoice therefore, and keep whole, if you can, and return love for love."

Giordana Bruno...16th Century Free Thought Martyr

Such A Long Time

I know. I know. If you drop in on my blog you probably think I no longer write anything. Well, in all honesty, a lot of what I post isn't original writing. It's my blog and I'll blog it like I want... how silly. Anyway, oh look a squirrel!

I just had to post the lyrics from this song. You're probably already familiar with it. It's just great. You know, it's really funny how my creator works in my life. I had been joking with a friend about making myself one of those advertising sandwich boards.

One side was going to display:

I'm Crazy As Hell

And Proud Of It

Oh Yeah, I'm Gay

And Proud Of That Too

Dammit!

Then on the back side it would display:

Fuck Yuns!

Fuck Yuns All!

Dammit!

Then I heard this song on the radio...

Break Your Heart

Oh people downcast in despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder everyday

People struggle
People fight for the simple pleasures in their life
The trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow
Self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
With nothing nice on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless
People cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred
Full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
You know [ a little love survives ]

Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
And don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody's going to choose your side
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
No no...

Natalie Merchant

Enjoy Life...

One Step Closer

Linkin Park

Scratching My Brain Tonight

Back in school I took an algebra class in which we studied systems of non-linear equations and how to graph them. I was under a lot of stress and one day I found a similarity between solving these systems and life. I decided that our life actually was a system of non-linear equations with God forever changing and adding variables. Our purpose was to find our x, y intercept point while maintaining a constant, progressive slope. It made sense to me then and it still does today.

Tonight I was researching the Hepatitis C virus and possible ways to slow down its replication and thereby decrease the resulting liver damage the virus causes. I found that the interactions between the replicating virus, liver cells and different types of immune responses (CTL and antibodies) are highly complex and non-linear. I'm sitting here thinking and scratching my brain.

Have you been tested for Hep C? Trust me, it's a silent killer. If you want to learn more about your liver and Hepatitis C, and I suggest you should, there are some really informative videos here.

Enjoy Life!

What A Day!

I don't know about you guys but I am so glad Obama is our new president. I was watching the inaugural parade this evening and my heart kept swelling. If I had allowed myself I could have started crying. It seems like the whole country is excited and looking to the new president with such hope. Something we haven't had much of in awhile. I can almost imagine what it must have been like when John F. Kennedy was elected.

AND DID YOU SEE THE GAY & LESBIAN MARCHING BAND!!!???!!! And lord honey, weren't those cupcake colored hoop skirts on the ladies(?) that followed the band just the deal??? LOL!!! So cool!!! Yes, the WHOLE country has reason to hope...

Enjoy Life...And Stay Warm (It's extremely cold here!)

A New Direction

I just got finished cleaning up The Conscious Cataclysm and I feel a lot better about it. I've finally decided how I want to organize everything and I think I have a general focus for the blog. Cataclysm will sort of be a journal with my personal thoughts. Thoughts I have about my day to day life. I'll also be sharing some of my music collection. From time to time, I'll be posting pictures and artwork that I find.

I have another blog that is a very slow developing experiment. I'm going to try my hand at writing fiction. There are some pretty interesting characters and it will be sort of like reading a soap opera...if it turns out the way I want. You can find The Abyss Of Awarness at: taofa.blogspot.com

By the way, The Conscious Cataclysm has a new URL. the new address is: tccataclysm.blogspot.com.

Enjoy Life Peoples!

Once Again, Begin Again

Wow, three months have gone by! I didn't even realize it had been that long. I thought that with the beginning of the new year I would start blogging again. Unfortunately, now that I have logged into Blogger, I find myself strangely empty. I decided to go through my music videos and share one with you. The only one that came close to how I'm feeling right now is this one. Like the song, maybe tomorrow I'll start blogging again. I sure hope the coming year is better than this past one...Enjoy life!

Maybe Tomorrow

Stereophonics

Me, Myself, And I

My I seems to be in disagreement with my me. As a result The Conscious Cataclysm as my our knew it will be no more. When my we comes to terms with my our and my they can decide what my their intentions are The Conscious Cataclysm will return in a new form.

Long Nights

Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light

I'll be around to grow

Who I was before

I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground

Ah...

I'll take this soul that's inside me now

Like a brand new friend

I'll forever know

I've got this light

And the will to show

I will always be better than before

Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground

Eddie Vedder

Everything

Buckcherry

Drums On The New Moon

I am connected with the rhythm of life, with the rhythm of those dancing around me. I love them and I love myself. I am them and they are me. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways and it's as though I've always known them and always will. We are meant to be here together at this one particular point in time, which in fact feels like it has never had a beginning and will never have an end. We move as one at times and at other times we're like little planets orbiting our own being.

I am connected to the drummers on so many levels. At times my attention is drawn to their hands, at other times I will lock eyes with one of them and for an instant it's like being hypnotized. There are a few drummers that I can recognize it's them, even if I happen not to be looking at them. Their personal style of drumming is like a call to my soul. It draws my attention to them and I become physically connected to the beat of their spirit. My body seems taken over by their rhythm and I soar.

Enjoy Life!

Be Here Now

Ray LaMontagne

Numb

U2

Everyday Is Exactly The Same

NIN

Tomorrow's Yesterday

My first post on The Conscious Cataclysm was on July 3rd of last year. A lot has happened in that time. Some things I’ve shared, others I haven’t. It seems that lately, when I try to write, nothing will come out. I haven’t been posting regularly because of it. Even now, I feel like I’m staring at a blank chalkboard.

Since it’s the beginning of a new year for my blog, I’m going to try to get back in the swing of things. I’ve been doing some thinking in the past few weeks and I’ve decided to try to get out of my own way. I’ve been working with the mistaken idea that my own power and efforts would be enough to overcome all my doubts, my fears, all this life’s problems. If I worked hard enough at it, maybe if I dug deep enough, if I changed this, if I didn’t do that, if I could just find that one missing puzzle piece, then finally everything would be all right. I was wrong.

I’m not saying that I’m going to give up trying to improve myself and to find dignity and meaning in my life. I’m just saying that I’m going to spend more time just being. I’ve been working so hard at this journey; I’ve forgotten to enjoy the path. Enjoy life.

Slippery People

Talking Heads

Show Me How To Live

And with the early dawn moving right along, I couldn't buy an eyeful of sleep. And in the aching night under satellites, I was not received.

Built with stolen parts, a telephone in my heart, someone get me a priest. To put my mind to bed, this ringing in my head, is this a cure, or is this a disease?

Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live.

And in the afterbirth on the quiet earth, let the stains remind you. You thought you made a man, you better think again, before my role defines you.

Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live.

And in your waiting hands I will land, and roll out of my skin. And in your final hours I will stand. Ready to begin. Ready to begin. Ready to begin. Ready to begin.

Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Nail in my hand, from my creator. You gave me life, now show me how to live. Show me how to live. Show me how to live. Show me how to live...

AudioSlave

Writing Naked With Duct Tape On My Face

I say I'm naked because I’m getting ready to bare my soul once again here on The Conscious Cataclysm, and I had to get the duct tape out because my face has cracked. Actually, over the past few weeks my poor face has been shattered. All the masks that I’ve worn in the past lay at my feet. Some don’t feel like they fit anymore and some are all mixed up in pieces along with my face. You would think I’d be used to this shit by now. How many times am I going to create masks to wear in order to live a life I think I’m living only to have them ripped off my face? Should I just let my face heal and go on from here without any? Don’t answer that. I don’t think I’m ready to hear what I know you’ll say.

For those of you who don’t know, 29 weeks ago, I started a 48 week course of treatment to rid myself of the Hepatitis C virus. I had a 50% chance of success. I became the lead cheerleader for what I would have to call a positive attitude metaphysical healing kundalini and energy flow raising walk through the fire technique, and let me tell you, I had some really big pom-poms. They’re on top of the pile of masks and facial parts. The next two articles in the series on self-improvement I had planned to post are on the bloody pile as well.

I suppose it was fitting to find out on Friday the 13th that I now have less than 2% chance of my treatment being successful. My cheers of, “I’m going to beat this thing by using visualization and positive energy techniques!” are gagging on screams of, “I’ve never even been able to win at those stupid scratch-off lottery cards! How the fuck am I going to win at this?” I’m sorry for the foul language, but dammed!

Sure, my treatment has gone pretty good. My viral count was over four million to begin with and now it’s down to around six thousand. That’s good, but not really good enough. My viral count should be lower at this point. The doctor asked me to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the treatment.

I also realized that next month I will have been working on The Conscious Cataclysm for a year. I’ve built up a pretty good readership from time to time, but like my life, it has no real purpose or direction and is pretty much heading nowhere. My readership has hit an all-time low. I honestly don’t know if I even want to put forth the effort. It would be simpler to just buy a notebook. Are any of you getting what I’m saying? Do any of you give a shit? Aren’t any of you going through anything like this? I think I may give up.

Enjoy life...

Simple Man

Shinedown

Fine Again

Seether

In This River

Black Label Society

I've been around this world, Yet I see no end. All shall fade to black again and again. This storm that’s broken me, my only friend. Yeah In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black Ain't no coming back Withdraw a step away, just to find my self The door is closed again, the only one left This storm that’s broken me my only friend Yeah In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black Ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black In this river ain't no coming back In this river all shall fade to black Ain't no coming back

Nicotine And Gravy

Beck

Overcoming A Fear Of Achieving

In the past I have set my sights on a particular goal and after thinking about it, convinced myself it wasn’t possible. I have heard myself say things like, I can’t do that. I’m not good enough, smart enough, look good enough. I’m not worthy of doing or having something like that. I've even experienced fear when I've considered what it would really be like to achieve my dreams.

One of my obstacles, as you can already tell, is my way of thinking. I start thinking of catastrophes that could befall me along any path toward achieving a goal. If this happens then that will happen and then of course I will have to do this because if I don’t that will happen as a result. Oh wait, I didn’t even consider how all this will affect something. On and on, until I start getting anxious, confused, and frustrated. I mentally throw in the towel and say, God, I can’t do that. It’s too complicated. It’ll be too hard. I’m not smart enough to keep it all together. Some of these “worries” are valid concerns and some of them are not. If it is a valid concern, I need to consider it and plan accordingly. Like knowing what you truly want, cyclical thinking and such are topics for another time.

Overcoming this fear of achieving, however, is my topic, and I have decided to use a few techniques to help me along my way. I’m including a few statements of intent that I’ve decided to use which make use of the techniques I’ve found. There are going to be more to follow in the next few days. If you are in the same rowboat as I am with this, maybe you will find these statements helpful. If you are already achieving your dreams and passing us in your sailboat, give us an encouraging smile, scroll on down, and watch a music video or look at some of the pictures. We will see you back on shore!

Can’t Never Did Nothing!

I will believe that what I want can be done, by me. Oh, but yes I can!

I will put tighter reins on my way of thinking. I will notice how I respond to things that happen and my attitude toward my life in general. I will be more positive in my outlook, and reward myself frequently for any achievements or milestones.

I am going to accept that, not only am I worthy of Divine Abundance, it is my right. My God does not require suffering or sacrifice. By the way, your religion is not my government.

What I focus on, and practice every day, is what my life will look like. I will be aware of when I am judging or limiting myself, and correct it. Every day I will do something toward achieving my goals, no matter how small.

I would like to share a small personal victory of mine with you. It may seem kind of childish and insignificant to you, but to me it's a pretty big deal. I have mentioned the drum circle we have here in Asheville, North Carolina, USA several times. I have also mentioned how my friend has helped me to be able to get out on the dance floor, let myself go, and experience the healing potential of the circle. I have been unable to get out there on my own though. I have had to wait until she got there to be able to dance. Because of her job, she doesn’t get there until late. Last night, I was able to get out there by myself, before she got there.

Enjoy life!

Enjoy Some Talking Heads

This Must Be The Place

And She Was

A Current Transmission From Ground Control

Wow guys, I've been so busy! I'm so glad spring is finally here. I went to my first drum circle of the year. For those of you that don't know, I'm in Asheville, NC and every Friday night we have a large drum circle downtown that 's incredible. This last Friday night the moon was waxing in Cancer and Mars had just gone into Leo, an awesome conjunction for me, and I truly rode it for all it was worth. The energy is still with me, even though the circle was four days ago and the Moon has moved on into Virgo. Mars is still in Leo, and will be until July 1st. Even though I haven't posted, I've been thinking about you guys. I have a list of things I want to write about, so be sure to come back!

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to meet the matriarch of a super family that came into town, from the High Point area, to celebrate Mother’s Day. Ms. Didit’s uncle hosted a cookout for the event. My own mother died several years ago in May, but I really don't miss her as I used to. She seems to have become a part of me, I feel her love and guidance at all times. I had a wonderful time celebrating, not only the memory of my own Mother, but the wonderful company of Ms. Didit’s family. Ms. Poofy was able to go with us, which just added to the fun. They are actually the beginnings of my small, but growing, urban tribe and I was glad the three of us could share the time together. It really was a lot of fun.

I'm progressing rather well in my energy work, as well as in my personal development work. Just a few posts back, I wrote about some of the things I wanted to work on. I'm not sure I've mentioned the energy work. It is intense, takes a lot of my concentration at all times, and is the foundation of all my present healing and growth. I'm open to talking about the work I'm doing to heal myself from the wounds of the past and take responsibility for the person I've become, but as far as for writing it here, I just can't. If you're interested, email me. My email address is in my full profile. Make sure you put, "A Comment On Your Blog," in the subject line. I love intelligent discussion in the areas of metaphysical healing, and religion in general.

So, there you have an update. I know all of you were dying to know what I was up to! Keep in mind, I write this for my own benefit as well as to be entertaining. Remember that I really do have some interesting things to write about in the next couple of weeks, so try and find some time to stop back by. I need the company! Enjoy life!

Enjoy Some Rusted Root

Lost In A Crowd Live In St. Louis 11/30/96

Ecstacy

Beautiful People Live In St. Louis 11/30/96

Echoes From The Needles

Four hours now since them. I’m tired, weak, achy, and would love to sleep, but can’t for some reason tonight. This shit always plays around with my mind a bit, but I’m much stronger than it is. Or so I like to think. You’ll forgive me for my making this one long paragraph, and for not concentrating too hard on my grammar, spelling, or punctuation, if you can truly imagine what I’m going through that is. Today was an unusual day, well, actually, today was a continuation of yesterday, which sounds odd, but if you knew me it would make perfect sense. When I woke yesterday, it seemed I had more purpose and drive than I’ve had in a week or so. Of course, the hot tea laced with a double shot of cane sugar and honey might have had something to do with it. I naturally rode the sugar out into orbit and got a lot accomplished on my computer. But even after the inevitable crash back to earth, the heightened awareness and focus continued. Welcome to just a taste of mania. It was kind of nice after a couple of weeks of fighting back depression. I continued to stay on my computer all day, taking breaks only to eat and of course use the bathroom. I never left my apartment, not even to get my mail. I did manage to retire gracefully enough, even if it was around three o’clock this morning. Naturally, the first thing I did was get on this thing, the closest of my closest friends. The only “one” I can truly share what I’m really like with. I really feel guilty for saying that. I have some wonderful friends, with whom I share almost everything; but, as we all know, there are those little things that you really can’t tell anyone. I confided in my buddy for about seven hours when I finally decided to force myself to take a walk. But where could I go? What could I do? Having only about fourteen cents to my name left me with very few options. I finally decided that, since I haven’t been happy with the book I’ve been trying to read, I’d walk to the library and check out a couple of books I’ve been meaning to get to. I was actually in the process of searching the online library catalog when my DSL connection failed; a minor incident to some, but a catastrophe to me. Good thing I had decided to go for a walk. This is where it got unusual. I called my internet service provider and the tech walked me through troubleshooting the problem from my end without any success. In the process of making sure he had all the correct information he needed from me to fill out a troubleshooting ticket that needed further investigation, I realized he repeated my phone number back to me wrong. His caller ID was showing that I had called from a number that wasn’t mine. Odd… I had heard another call coming in while I was talking to him and just let the answering service get it; so, when I hung up I accessed the service. It was some other guy’s voicemail. Very Odd… I immediately called my phone service to report the problem. I was told they would have the problem fixed by Thursday. Oh My God! Two whole twenty-four hour days away! Now mind you, a day without the internet is like, well, like not a day for me. I’m quite proud of how I took the news. I took the news in stride and continued with my plans to walk to the library. I’m really glad I did for several reasons. As I was leaving my apartment, I realized that I hadn’t picked up the refill for one of my injections for tonight. Have you ever heard it said that God takes care of you when you aren’t able to? Humm… I grabbed my cold pack that I use to transport the injections from the pharmacy. It was actually a pretty day, kind of chilly, but nice even so. After picking up my prescription, I stopped in the park across the street to have a cigarette before I went on to the library. I was enjoying my smoke, lost in thought, when an acquaintance noticed me and came over to talk. We sat down together and had a very nice talk. I’m glad things happened the way they did because I got to know him a little better and he’s really a very nice man. After exchanging my contact information with him, which I hope he remembers because I’d like to talk with him again, I went on to the library feeling just a little bit lighter for some reason. I found the books I had wanted, one of which was Jack Kerouac’s, On The Road: The Original Scroll, which I’ve been wanting to read, and I walked home with my shots, my books, and my hopes. Even though I was fully prepared for being isolated from the world, the first thing I did was check the DSL light on my modem. It was on! I called a friend, and yes, my phone number was my own again! Was this all some masterminded plan to get me out of the house for Christ’s sake? I had decided to do it on my own, thank you very much; I don’t need such extreme measures. I don’t want to be traumatized in the process. Well, I’ve reached the end of my story for tonight. Have I put you to sleep? It sure didn’t work on me…I’m going to have to find something else to occupy me. Enjoy life!

IN FAITH I DO BELIEVE

Rusted Root

Barra Barra

Barra Barra (Out! Out!)
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction, jealousy ; there is no trust left
barra barra
Thirst and people are unluck
barra barra
No honour, but oppression and slavery
barra barra
Rivers were dried up and seas have ruined everything
barra barra
Stars are switched off and the sun went down
barra barra
There are no trees left and the birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are neither days, nor nights left, darkness only
barra barra
Hell ; there is no beauty left
barra barra
(solo of mandolute and ululation)
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
barra barra
Ruin and war and the blood is flowing
barra barra
There are only walls left, walls standing up
barra barra
Fear and people remain silent
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction and jealousy ; there is no trust left
barra barra
Rivers were dried up and seas have ruined everything
barra barra
Stars are switched off and the sun went down
barra barra (in a low voice, plus crescendo)
barra barra
There is neither good, nor happiness, nor luck anymore
barra barra
There are no trees left; the birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are neither nights, nor days left; darkness only
barra barra
Desolation, hell, there is no beauty left
barra barra
(Silence)
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
barra barra
Ruin and war and the blood is flowing
barra barra
There are only walls left, walls standing up
barra barra
Sadness, hate and the reign of arbitrary
barra barra
Destruction and jealousy ; there is no trust left.
Stars are switched off, and the sun went down
barra barra
There is neither good, nor happiness, nor luck left
barra barra
There are no trees left ; birds stopped singing
barra barra
There are no neither nights nor days left; darkness only
barra barra
Desolation, hell, there is no beauty left
barra barra
Time has increased, there is no honour left
Barraaaaa! Barraaaaa, Barraaaa, Barraaaaaa!

Rachid Taha

An Inner Portal

I look into the future and actually see opportunities. I see things I might accomplish. I see a window of opportunity, and even though I want to take advantage of it, I'm afraid to open the shades and take a look at what's there. Knowing which of my limitations are real and which are self-imposed is a real problem for me.

I took some time earlier today to look at some of these things...again...and came up with some things I feel I need to address and work on. There are two reasons I'm sharing these things with you. One reason is the fact that some of you may be going through a similar situation, it's nice to think I might be helping someone else get through their own "crisis." The second reason is simply that by writing these things down here in The Conscious Cataclysm it reinforces them in my thick head.

I found that now may be a time to let go of some of my worries and self-doubt, to take a leap of faith rather than fear making a choice. I feel, in some areas, my attitude toward my abilities is very immature. I may even be avoiding responsiblity. I listen to advice on these matters but don't follow through with it. I need to believe in myself, in my instinctive nature as well as my rational abilities, and trust my heart. I heard it said somewhere that sometimes resistance is more foolish than risk.

I do have two distinct goals that I would like to achieve at the moment. I now, upon reflection, know that in order to make these goals a reality there are certain things I must do. I must widen my knowledge in the areas I've chosen to pursue. Now may very well be the time for me to "get on with it." I know that the more I put into the preparation and work, the more successful I'll be. I must persevere. I have a tendency to get bogged down with tedious, repetitive details. I will have to break the work up into manageable tasks, and break up the monotony a bit.

As much as I've whined about self-examination lately, it really is true that I need complete self-awareness now. I tend to drag old feelings of hurt, pain, inadequacy, and betrayal into present day situations. I have to realize that I'm not alone in these feelings. When I feel alone in them I become heartbroken and fearful. I need good old logic and reason to help me remember that I'm not alone in these things. My pain is also someone else's pain. I need to examine my issues with care and continue to talk with others about them.

At this time in my life I have got to find strength, determination, and the courage of my convictions. It's not so much physical strength I need but mental and emotional strength. It's time for me to face these things if I'm ever going to achieve any results.

I have something inside me that needs expression. I've made a start here on The Conscious Cataclysm, but I feel there's more. Whatever it is, I don't recognize it yet. I have to face up to this challange with logic and firmness. I have to believe in myself. I mustn't doubt my motivations or intentions. I have to be ready to leap into action, and be objective about my limitations. I have to face the facts and let go of bitterness and disillusion from the past in order to ever be able to move forward. With every challenge there is the opportunity to make something better of my life.

Enjoy life!

Down The Rabbit Hole

It’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything here and it has weighed heavily on my mind. The Conscious Cataclysm has been an important, integral part of my life for almost a year. I would like to say that I’ve had nothing of value to write lately, but that wouldn’t be the case. There have been a lot of things I could have written about. Happy things, sad things, funny things, embarrassing things… I’ve thought in the back of my mind that I wanted to share all my recent thoughts and feelings with you. In some small way, if you’re a regular reader, you know where I’ve been, and hopefully have some idea of where I’m going…or as much of an idea as I have at this point.

The simple fact is, I haven’t known how to express what I’ve experienced in the past month. Somehow, this intense path of personal development and healing I’ve been on has changed. It’s gotten confusing and a bit overwhelming. All this searching for the divine, for a sense of self that I can truly feel comfortable and proud of, this constant self-examination, all this work toward healing physically, spiritually, and emotionally has gone to a different level. I really can’t explain it. It’s just different. I’m thinking about things in a new and different way. It’s almost like some of the things that have been hidden for so long are coming into the light. The problem is the fact that these “revelations” aren’t coming one at a time. They are bombarding me, and it’s a bit confusing.

This may seem odd, but even as a child I was aware of a deeper, spiritual aspect of life. I’ve worked really hard to understand, connect with, and incorporate that divine power into my life. I hesitate to call my decision to follow this spiritual path a choice, or even say it was a decision. It seemed to be the only true and right path for me to take. It’s more than the thirst for knowledge, or curiosity, it’s an intense need and drive deep within me. However, the path itself has been extremely difficult. At times, I’ve purposely strayed from the course. But, I was on the path even then. The denial was actually a part of the journey.

The possibilities opening up to me now, after so long of being shut away as impossible, are kind of frightening. I find myself not knowing what direction I want to focus on. There’s also the fact that my mind seems ready to take action, but physically, because of the Interferon, I don’t feel much like doing anything. I did have some really good news concerning my health. When I started the treatments for Hepatitis C in January, my viral count was 4 million, 160 thousand. The last blood tests I had done showed that the count has dropped to 124 thousand. I feel confident that the combination of medications, my visualization techniques, and my concentration on positive energy flow, have all had a dramatic affect on the virus.

I’m hoping to get back to making regular posts from here on out. Enjoy life!

Guaranteed

Eddie Vedder

An Aching Soul

I am really kind of heartsick tonight. I just saw the videos of the Olympic torch lighting ceremony protests. China's spitting in the eye of the world, and the world's just wiping it off with an indifferent shrug.

I was also appalled at an article I found a few moments later. What's worse, I am ashamed that it was written by Mary Frances Forrester, the wife of an American Senator from my home state of North Carolina. I wish I had read the article, "The Real Homosexual Agenda" when it was first published on February 29, 2008. I would have urged every Homosexual/Bisexual/Transgender person that read my words to use the "contact us" link on their ignorant, misguided, souls of sheep website, to inundate them with protest mail. I actually couldn't help myself; I used the link and spoke my mind. I had to.

I wish I could do something to help my GLBT Family.
I wish I could do something to help Tibet.
I wish I could do something to help Darfur.
I wish I could do something to help the poor children being born into this fucked up world.
I wish I could do something to help...
I wish I could do something...
I wish I could...
I wish...

Enjoy life???

Great Light Of The World

Bebo Norman

Abdel Kader

Cheb Khaled, Rachid Taha, Faudel

Two Trailer Park Girls Grab Their Better Homes And Gardens Magazines And Beat The Shit Out Of Martha Stewart

You know, I think I enjoy coming up with titles for my posts more than I like actually writing them... Ms. Didit and I have spent the entire month of February getting her moved out of her old apartment and into her new one. I have to say, I really enjoyed helping her unpack, organize, and decorate regardless of how exhausting it was.

I really haven't had much time to even think about my own "stuff". My medications got a little screwed up and at the same time my blood counts dropped severely. It became necessary for me to give myself an injection of Neupogen along with my weekly Inteferon and daily Ribavirin. I managed to get a laptop to use while I'm rebuilding my desktop computer. That's really all I have to talk about this post. I just wanted to stay in touch. I will mention that I'm having a lot of fun on a website I found and I think I'll share it with you guys. It's called, PostCrossing. For every postcard you send, you receive one back from a random postcrosser somewhere in the world. I've gotten some pretty cool postcards and some pretty cool stamps. I've made a couple of friends as well. Enjoy life!