The Point In The Heart Awakens

I just finished watching my third lecture on Kabbalah and I think I might have stumbled onto something that will resolve the spiritual conflict I've felt for so many years. I'm taking a twelve week course from the Bnei Baruch Kabbalah Education Center. The word Kabbalah means "to receive" and it is a method to develop a direct, conscious connection with the Creator. In the first lecture we were taught that there comes a time in a man's life when he becomes aware of a desire to know and connect with God. In Kabbalah this is called "the point in the heart". When this "point in the heart" is awakened his desire for spirituality increases and he begins his journey to connect with his Creator. According to Kabbalists this eventually leads us to Kabbalah. Tonight I sat down and tried to pinpoint when I first became aware of my "point in the heart" and the journey I've been on that has lead me to where I am today.

When I was a child I was sent to a Southern Baptist Church every Sunday and, being the good student that I've always been, I learned everything I could and easily believed in the existence of God and Jesus. When I got a little older I was allowed to decide if I wanted to continue to attend church. I was a little tired of the threat of going to hell so I quickly decided not to go. I spent the next thirty or so years pursuing life on my own. However, the things that I had been taught about God were still with me. I just didn't think about them. It was when I became homeless in 1998 that I seriously started thinking about God again. I had to have something, some form of outside strength, to get me through it. I couldn't endure that kind of suffering alone.

I began to examine the protestant beliefs I had been raised with. There were several things that I just couldn't accept; I couldn't believe that all homosexuals were going to hell, I couldn't believe that everyone who wasn't Christian was going to hell, and I had issues with the whole idea of hell anyway. I decided to explore other religions. I studied Hinduism and Buddhism. I became pagan and lived like a hippy for awhile. I went to Native American gatherings and was even acknowledged and honored by the Elders at one gathering for saving the ceremonial fire from going out one night. I got involved with a lot of the new age movement. I collected crystals and stones (which I still do....) and worked on my chakras. I was learning and growing spiritually. 

There was and still is a Protestant Mission in town that runs a shelter for the homeless. I had avoided staying there, but there came a time when I was forced to stay there. Every night the residents have to go to Chapel and have a church service. God, how I hated it. As a consequence, even now, I cringe slightly when I hear the name "Jesus" said in that Southern Baptist kind of way. Anyway, they had a drug and alcohol program there and the "program" guys got to sleep in comfortable rooms as opposed to a communal room with cots. They also didn't have to leave the building every morning at 6:00 regardless of the weather. This might have been wrong of me, but I saw the program as a way to get myself off the streets. I didn't lie about my drug and alcohol abuse but I did lie about my spiritual beliefs.

When I learned that part of the Mission's program required you to find a church and become a member I really got worried. As I look back though I can see that my Creator had a plan. I tried every protestant church in town to no avail. I couldn't stand them and the feelings of living a lie were almost unbearable. Through a set of circumstances that I won't go into now, I was introduced to the Russian Orthodox Church. I was blown away. Their teachings on homosexuality were somewhat more tolerable too. I was taught that it wasn't a sin to be homosexual, but it was a sin to express it. I had been in the closet for years so I thought I could accept that. If I slipped up I could always go to confession and receive absolution. I converted and was baptized into the Orthodox faith. I even went so far as to enter one of their monasteries here in America and almost became a monk. A little of that story is in my profile I think. A lot of the first part of this blog involves the struggles I had after I left the monastery and eventually left the Church.

I didn't realize when I started this post just how long it was going to be. If you're still reading at this point, I appreciate it....thanks! I'm going to try and wrap it up...

After roughly ten years homeless, I finally obtained housing. My body found a home but my "point in the heart" still hadn't. I've been in my apartment for about seven years now. During this time I have tried to incorporate the beliefs I had from all the different faiths into one. It hasn't been easy and I can tell you now that it hasn't been very successful. 

I've finally decided that all religions should be regarded as mythology. I believe that all these spiritual, religious myths are built on a lot of common, undeniable truths. And I also believe that the ideas taught in Kabbalah are the framework upon which all the religions are based. I hope that as my studies continue I find this to still be true...     

Enjoy Life!

With The New Moon In Leo

A journal post is long overdue, so I guess I’ll write one. I should try and describe the feelings I’m having of trying to climb, crawl, scratch, and claw my way out of the wreckage of my life into a life of higher purpose.

Should I tell you all my past regrets? Should I make this a confession of some kind?

   

It’s all between me and the people that I have hurt….My Mother, who I loved beyond description, but with whom I could not develop any type of close relationship with? My Mother passed away quite a few years back, so making amends is impossible. My Father, who might not have passed yet, but who might as well have…for you see, I never knew him…..never even knew his name. I carry my Mother’s last married name. Not even her maiden name, but the last name of a man who was not my Father. My Grandmother, who loved me maybe even more than my own Mother? You might as well say I used all the love see had and then abandoned her. A shell of the person she ever was….constantly looking for me, seeing me even in strangers and other random people until the day she died.

There are other people that I have involved in my egoistic evolution. My regrets cause me to have an intense, almost irresolvable, sense of guilt, shame, and regret. The same strong emotions that have led me to attempt suicide on numerous occasions. Dreadful memories of past events haunt my sleep and flash into my mind during my days. It's almost as if I have PTSD... 

What do you make of it? A melancholy mess…one with no mercy of redemption or resolution because I can't seem to forgive myself, I can't seem to get over the embarrassing things I've done. A situation that won’t be resolved until there is an ending to it.  Death being what I mean.

But, I, as the one who has been the chief player in all these events, would like to know how I am ever to face my creator with all this madness shrouding me, and flowing along behind me like a bridal veil…an eternal cloth covering my stinking, rotting, corporal body…dragging itself to my maker.

I’m throwing myself into the study of Kabbalah in an effort to change my perception of reality, to try and actualize the point in my heart that yearns for my creator. I hope for comfort and peace.

Dirty Little Secret

Sarah MacLachlan

Don't Hold Me Back

Alex Cornish

Breaking The Bonds

Tom Acevedo

Sri Yantra

Indecent

A Dirge

Rough wind, that moanest loud

Grief too sad for song;

Wild wind, when sullen cloud

Knells all the night long;

Sad storm whose tears are vain,

Bare woods, whose branches strain,

Deep caves and dreary main,--

Wail, for the world’s wrong!

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara

Supplication

Death

Come thou, thou last one, whom I recognize,

unbearable pain throughout this body's fabric:

as I in my spirit burned, see, I now burn in thee:

the wood that long resisted the advancing flames

which thou kept flaring, I now am nourishinig

and burn in thee.

My gentle and mild being through thy ruthless fury

has turned into a raging hell that is not from here.

Quite pure, quite free of future planning, I mounted

the tangled funeral pyre built for my suffering,

so sure of nothing more to buy for future needs,

while in my heart the stored reserves kept silent.

Is it still I, who there past all recognition burn?

Memories I do not seize and bring inside.

O life! O living! O to be outside!

And I in flames. And no one here who knows me.

Rainer Maria Rilke

A Prayer For Strength

Thank you, God, for being there for me and allowing me to cry out to you in my times of need.

It is amazing to me that the Lord of the Universe would take time to listen to me and to care about what I say.

God, there are things happening around me right now that I do not understand. Some of these things make me feel confused, conflicted, and afraid.

Even in the midst of this, I know that you are my Lord.

I know that the situation is in Your hands, and I trust You. I beseech you for strength and for wisdom that I would be able to endure this situation and be able to handle the things I'm going through.

Claudio Bindella

She Talks To Angels

She never mentions the word addiction

In certain company

Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan

After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night now

Pulls those shades down tight

Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain come

The pain gonna make everything alright

Says she talks to angels

They call her out by her name

Oh yeah, she talks to angels

Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket

She wears a cross around her neck

Yes, the hair is from a little boy

And the cross is someone she has not met

Not yet

Says she talks to angels

Says they all know her name

Oh yeah, she talks to angels

Says they call her out by her name

She don't know no lover

None that I ever seen

Yeah, to her that ain't nothin'

But to me, yeah me

Means everything

She paints her eyes as black as night now

She pulls those shades down tight

Oh yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes

The pain gonna make everything alright

Alright, yeah heah

She talks to angels

Says they call her out by her name

Oh, yeah, heah, angels

Call her out by her name

Oh, ooh, oh, oh, angels

They call her out by her name

Oh, oh, oh, she talks to angels

They call her out

Yeah, ee, eah, eah, eah, eah

Call her out

Don't you know that they

Call her out by her name?

The Black Crowes

The Highs And Lows

Sadness settles over my soul,

Caged and Restless,

Black coal rains down on me,

Loneliness consumes me,

It's what I need,

To regain my self somehow.

I wake to a new dawn,

Crisp, clean, and lucid,

I thank my God,

For the strength to carry on,

For my waking up,

Both inside myself and out.

Life's funny that way,

The highs and lows you see,

The forces that move us forward,

Make life what it is,

The highs and lows.

Balancing on the edge of an abyss.

Martin Ksinan

Seeing Through Fear

Set Your Course

Use what talents you possess;

the woods would be very silent

if no birds sang except

those that sang best.

Henry Van Dyke

A ship in harbor is

safe-- but that is not
what ships are for.

John A. Shedd



A handful of pine-seed will cover mountains with the green
majesty of a forest. I too will set my face to the wind
and throw my handful of seed on high.

Fiona MacLeod


There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat
except from within, no really insurmountable barrier
save our own inherent weakness of purpose.

Elbert Hubbard


Life shrinks or
exands in proportion
to one's courage.

Anaïs Nin

The Path

As you can tell by most of my previous posts, I have been in a somewhat depressed and troubled state for quite awhile now. Actually, I've been struggling with some pretty heavy issues. It's no wonder I have very few followers or comments. (Which I would love to receive) In recent days I have really started to examine that and to try and get myself into a more positive state of mind. I have started a journey on a new path. I hope I can maintain my new course, remain positive, and bring some color and light into my blog....enjoy life!  

Don't Carry It All

Here we come to a turning of the season

Witness to the arc towards the sun

A neighbor’s blessed burden within reason

Becomes a burden borne of all and one

And nobody, nobody knows

Let the yoke fall from our shoulders

Don’t carry it all, don’t carry it all

We are all our hands and holders

Beneath this bold and brilliant sun

And this I swear to all

A monument to build beneath the arbors

Upon a plinth that towers t’wards the trees

Let every vessel pitching hard to starboard

Lay its head on summer’s freckled knees

And nobody, nobody knows

Let the yoke fall from our shoulders

Don’t carry it all, don’t carry it all

We are all our hands and holders

Beneath this bold and brilliant sun

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

There a wreath of trillium and ivy

Laid upon the body of a boy

Lazy will the loam come from its hiding

And return this quiet searcher to the soil

So raise a glass to turnings of the season

And watch it as it arcs towards the sun

And you must bear your neighbor’s burden within reason

And your labors will be borne when all is done

And nobody, nobody knows

Let the yoke fall from our shoulders

Don’t carry it all, don’t carry it all

We are all our hands and holders

Beneath this bold and brilliant sun

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

And this I swear to all

To all

To all

To all

 

The Decemberists

A Little Encouragement

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Ayn Rand

Before The Altar

Before the Altar, bowed, he stands

With empty hands;

Upon it perfumed offerings burn

Wreathing with smoke the sacrificial urn.

Not one of all these has he given,

No flame of his has leapt to Heaven

Firesouled, vermilion-hearted,

Forked, and darted,

Consuming what a few spare pence

Have cheaply bought, to fling from hence

In idly-asked petition.

His sole condition

Love and poverty.

And while the moon

Swings slow across the sky,

Athwart a waving pine tree,

And soon

Tips all the needles there

With silver sparkles, bitterly

He gazes, while his soul

Grows hard with thinking of the poorness of his dole.

"Shining and distant Goddess, hear my prayer

Where you swim in the high air!

With charity look down on me,

Under this tree,

Tending the gifts I have not brought,

The rare and goodly things

I have not sought.

Instead, take from me all my life!

"Upon the wings

Of shimmering moonbeams

I pack my poet's dreams

For you.

My wearying strife,

My courage, my loss,

Into the night I toss

For you.

Golden Divinity,

Deign to look down on me

Who so unworthily

Offers to you:

All life has known,

Seeds withered unsown,

Hopes turning quick to fears,

Laughter which dies in tears.

The shredded remnant of a man

Is all the span

And compass of my offering to you.

"Empty and silent, I

Kneel before your pure, calm majesty.

On this stone, in this urn

I pour my heart and watch it burn,

Myself the sacrifice; but be

Still unmoved: Divinity."

From the altar, bathed in moonlight,

The smoke rose straight in the quiet night.

Amy Lowell

From Adonais

The One remains, the many change and pass;

Heaven's light forever shines, Earth's shadows fly;

Life, like a dome of many-coloured glass,

Stains the white radiance of Eternity,

Until Death tramples it to fragments.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Costas Ellos

As Once the Winged Energy of Delight

As once the winged energy of delight

carried you over childhood's dark abysses,

now beyond your own life build the great

arch of unimagined bridges.

Wonders happen if we can succeed

in passing through the harshest danger;

but only in a bright and purely granted

achievement can we realize the wonder.

To work with Things in the indescribable

relationship is not too hard for us;

the pattern grows more intricate and subtle,

and being swept along is not enough.

Take your practiced powers and stretch them out

until they span the chasm between two

contradictions...For the god

wants to know himself in you.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Immortality

Vacate is the word...vengeance has no place so near to her

Cannot find a comfort in this world

Artificial tears...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers

Vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...

A truant finds home...and a will to hold on...

There's a trapdoor in the sun...it's immortality...

As privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show

Swept out through the cracks beneath the door

Holier than thou, how?

Surrendered...executed anyhow

Scrawls resolved, cigar box on the floor...

A truant finds home...and a will to hold on, to...

There's a trapdoor in the sun...

Its immortality...

I cannot stop the thought...of running out the door...

Coming up a which way sign...and all good truants must decide...

Oh, stripped and sold, mom...and an auctioned forearm...

And whiskers in the sink...

A truants finds home...and a will to hold on to..

Some die just to live...

Ohh...

Pearl Jam

Regret

It might have been,

Could have been should,

If only had ever seen would.

Been why else even,

When you should have seen could,

If even you would have,

Could have should would.

I even when why, you ever been should.

I would have been,

Should been, could have would done.

Kuan Yin

Goddess of Mercy and Compassion

Spirits Of The Dead

Thy soul shall find itself alone

'Mid dark thoughts of the grey tomb-stone --

Not one, of all the crowd, to pry

Into thine hour of secrecy:

Be silent in that solitude

Which is not loneliness -- for then

The spirits of the dead who stood

In life before thee are again

In death around thee -- and their will

Shall then overshadow thee: be still.

For the night -- tho' clear -- shall frown --

And the stars shall look not down,

From their high thrones in the Heaven,

With light like Hope to mortals given --

But their red orbs, without beam,

To thy weariness shall seem

As a burning and a fever

Which would cling to thee for ever :

Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish --

Now are visions ne'er to vanish --

From thy spirit shall they pass

No more -- like dew-drop from the grass:

The breeze -- the breath of God -- is still --

And the mist upon the hill

Shadowy -- shadowy -- yet unbroken,

Is a symbol and a token --

How it hangs upon the trees,

A mystery of mysteries! --

Edgar Allan Poe

1829

Every Grain Of Sand

In the time of my confession,

in the hour of my deepest need

When the pool of tears beneath my feet

flood every newborn seed

There's a dyin' voice within me

reaching out somewhere,

Toiling in the danger and in

the morals of despair.

Don't have the inclination to

look back on any mistake,

Like Cain,

I now behold this chain of events

that I must break.

In the fury of the moment

I can see the Master's hand

In every leaf that trembles,

in every grain of sand.

Oh, the flowers of indulgence

and the weeds of yesteryear,

Like criminals,

they have choked the breath

of conscience and good cheer.

The sun beat down upon the steps

of time to light the way

To ease the pain of idleness

and the memory of decay.

I gaze into the doorway of

temptation's angry flame

And every time I pass that way

I always hear my name.

Then onward in my journey

I come to understand

That every hair is numbered

like every grain of sand.

I have gone from rags to riches

in the sorrow of the night

In the violence of a summer's dream,

in the chill of a wintry light,

In the bitter dance of loneliness

fading into space,

In the broken mirror of innocence

on each forgotten face.

I hear the ancient footsteps like

the motion of the sea

Sometimes I turn, there's someone there,

other times it's only me.

I am hanging in the balance

of the reality of man

Like every sparrow falling,

like every grain of sand.

Bob Dylan

Tao Te Ching Verse VII

Heaven and earth last forever.

The reason why heaven and earth last forever

is that they do not live for themselves.

Hence, they last forever.

Therefore, the True Person leaves self behind

and thus is found in front,

is not guarded and thus is preserved,

is self-free and thus is able to find fulfilment.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;

When the funds are low, and the debts are high

And you want to smile, but have to sigh;

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;

And you can never tell how close you are

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-

It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Author Unknown

The Simplicity Of Spiritual Enlightenment

Open your mind and your heart (the true

essence of your being) to the Infinite.

Reverently acknowledge God however God

is real to you, around and within you.

Reverently acknowledge the saints and

sages of all enlightenment traditions.

Reverently acknowledge the innate,

divine nature of every person.

Reverently acknowledge the truth of your

innermost level of being, knowing that

all knowledge of the unbounded field

of Infinite Consciousness is within you.

May we be permanently established in

conscious realization of our relationship

with the Infinite.

May we be steadfast on our meaningful

spiritual path as it is revealed to us.

May everyone be spiritually enlightened.

 

Roy Eugene Davis from "The Simplicity Of Spiritual Enligtenment"

Out Of A Spiritual Wasteland

In case you didn't know today was Eastern Orthodox Pascha (Easter). I got a call from my old priest about a week ago asking me if I'd like to come to the service. I told him I wasn't sure but I would think about it. When I woke up this morning it was one of the first thoughts I had. In the past week I've really been concentrating on building my spiritual strength. I think it is the only tool I have to make it through this process of death. Of course there are several aspects of spiritual strength. I have been worried about the correctness of my beliefs...I wish it could be so simple as going back to the Russian Orthodox Church. I miss it so bad, but I know in my heart that I can't go back.

The only way I think I'm going to be able to resolve this conflict is to incorporate all the beliefs I know in my heart to be true and just have my own religion....the religion of Jeff.  This may sound strange but I have an altar of sorts in a corner of my bedroom where I meditate and pray. I have included parts of several religions. I have tapestries of Ganesha, Laskmi ,Sarasvati and Ardhanarishvara. I have pictures of Buddha and Bhaiṣajyaguru. There are also crystals...a bear claw...sage for cleansing.... In the past I've kept my christian icons seperate from my non-christian things but I've decided I need to bring them all together. In my process of getting ready to die, I have to come to some sort of conviction in what I believe. . and I believe parts of all of the religions...and I have to believe that that's okay...become firm in that...

When I meditate or pray I cleanse the area with sweet grass and sage then I burn Athonite style incense, pure frankincense blended with fragrant musky oils, hand-made by monks in Greece. It's hard to explain but the aroma of this incense has a dual effect on my senses. I not only smell it but I feel it as well. It is a calming, spiritual feeling. I burn beeswax candles under my icons and pictures to represent prayers and veneration. It also moves me when I play either Russian Orthodox church music or sacred chants of Shiva.

It is really hard to incorporate my Christian beliefs with my beliefs from other religions. The Christian Church is so exclusive. I still think there is a lot of wisdom in the teachings of the Orthodox Church.

Fr. Seraphim Rose wrote,

Orthodoxy is not merely a ritual, or belief, or a pattern of behavior, or anything else that a man may possess, thinking that he is thereby a Christian, and be spiritually dead; it is rather an elemental reality of power which transforms a man and gives him strength to live in the most difficult and tormenting conditions, and prepares him to depart with peace into eternal life.

Even though Father Seraphim Rose was talking about Orthodoxy...I want that strength of conviction and the transformative power that strong faith brings. I don't get that much traffic on my blog, but if you read this I'd love it if you commented.....

Enjoy Life!

1914 I: Peace

Now, God be thanked Who has watched us with His hour,

And caught our youth, and wakened us from sleeping,

With hand made sure, clear eye, and sharpened power,

To turn, as swimmers into cleanness leaping,

Glad from a world grown old and cold and weary,

Leave the sick hearts that honour could not move,

And half-men, and their dirty songs and dreary,

And all the little emptiness of love!

Oh! we, who have known shame, we have found release there,

Where there's no ill, no grief, but sleep has mending,

Naught broken save this body, lost but breath;

Nothing to shake the laughing heart's long peace there

But only agony, and that has ending;

And the worst friend and enemy is but Death.

Rupert Brooke

Erlend Mork

Days Go By

It's pretty sad when you can't even write a journal post. I can't describe what I've been feeling. I was supposed to have started the latest course of treatment for my hepatitis c but for some reason the doctors are stalling and haven't told me anything. I feel as though I'm hanging between life and death in some sort of limbo. I am just drifting through my days like a breeze through time until the day I turn to dust. I am relatively empty without any desire to be filled with anything. What's the use if I'm dying? Day by day, walking toward my grave. Why care anymore? This letting go of everything...is it a normal process that you go through when you die? If it is, Am I feeling it prematurely, or is death closer than I think? I just don't know. To shake this feeling off would be extremely difficult and I'm not sure I have the reserve or energy required. Maybe I should just accept it and drift through the rest of my days empty. It doesn't feel much like any kind of ending that I would have wanted. But, here I am like this and I don't have the energy to be any other way.

Marcin Sacha

Gianluca Nespoli

Wojciech Grzanka

Marcin Sacha

Wojciech Grzanka 

Bhaisajyaguru

The Medicine Buddha

Tao Te Ching Verse VIII

The highest good is like water.

For water benefits the ten thousand things without striving.

It settles in places that people avoid and so is like the Tao.

In choosing your home look to the land.

In preparing your heart go deep.

In associating with others value gentleness.

In speaking exhibit good faith.

In governing provide good order.

In the conduct of business be competent.

In action be timely.

Then there is no strife, nothing goes amiss.

Tao Te Ching Verse VI

The valley spirit never dies.

It is the unknown first mother,

whose gate is the root

from which grew heaven and earth.

It is dimly seen, yet always present.

Draw from it all you wish; it will never run dry.

Chenrezig

Chenrezig (Avalokiteshvara) is the Bodhisattva of Compassion. A bodhisattva is an enlightened being who has decided to delay becoming a fully enlightened Buddha for the sake of all beings.

Om mani padme hum! (Hail the jewel in the lotus),

Ardhnarishwara

Ardhanarishvara represents the synthesis of masculine and feminine energies of the universe.

Thanksgiving

O God, Who holdeth in Thy right hand all the ways of man's life: I thank Thee for all Thy visible and secret goods, for earthly life and for the heavenly joy of Thy future Kingdom. Pour forth richly Thy grace, in the future as well, on us who sing to The : Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

I was born on earth as a feeble and helpless child. From that moment Thy love shines in all my ways and miraculously guides me into the light of eternity. For that my soul lauds Thee and hails Thee with all who know Thee:

Glory to Thee Who hast called me into life.

Glory to Thee Who art revealing to us the beauty of the universe.

Glory to Thee Who art opening to us heaven and earth as an eternal book of wisdom.

Glory to Thy eternity in the passing world.

Glory to Thee for Thy covert and overt mercies.

Glory to Thee for every sigh of my heart.

Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

O King of ages, Who by the power of Thy salvific providence, holdeth in Thy right hand all the ways of man's life: I thank Thee for all Thy visible and secret goods, for earthly life and for the heavenly joy of Thy future Kingdom. Pour forth richly Thy grace, in the future as well, on us who sing to Thee: Glory to Thee, O God, in ages!

Taken from "The Akathist of Thanksgiving" by Hieromartyr Grigori Petroff

What Does Your Future Hold?

Bliss Torn From Emptiness

Loneliness

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."  Orson Welles

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved."  Mother Teresa of Calcutta

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."  Dag Hammarskjold

"The person that tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echos of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration."  Pearl S. Buck

"For some people solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves. For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves."  Eric Hoffer

Okay, it's pretty bad when you start looking for quotes about loneliness.  I'm feeling bored and lonely so I guess I'll do a journal post. There really hasn't been that much going on.

I'm kind of in a limbo state as far as the new treatment I'm going to be going through goes. The new treatment is so much harder than the last one, the doctor said we really have to cross our t's and dot our i's before we start it. Once you start it you can't quit. If you quit you can never have the treatment again. The body can only handle this particular protease inhibitor once. It's looking like December before I'll get to start. I have to tell you that with everything I've heard, I'm scared to death. I'm trying my best to get psyched up for it, but it's really difficult after having failed with the last treatment. The first three weeks were pure hell. After that it was like I was coming down with the flu for fourty-five weeks.

I had thought that I was going to have to get rid of Tank and Dozer (my two zebra finches) but all is well now and I get to keep them. I know it sounds silly but I love having them here with me. They're so fun to watch and I love hearing them ring their bells.

The weather today is just about perfect. It's about 79 degrees right now and tonight it will probably get down to around 60 degrees. You can't get any better than that. I really should be outside enjoying it. I wish I had someone that would go with me and motivate me. God, I want a cigarette. Sorry that just slipped out!

Okay, so I'm gonna get off here and do something....I don't know what....I'm enjoying an old Pink Floyd album so I might draw for awhile.

Enjoy Life!

Tao Te Ching Verse V

Heaven and earth are not moved

by offerings of straw-dogs.

The True Person is not moved

by offerings of straw-dogs.

The space between heaven and earth

is like a bellows.

It is empty and yet never exhausted.

The more it works the more comes out.

Many words lead to exhaustion.

Better to hold fast to your centre.

Marcin Sacha

What had that flower to do with being white,

The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?

What brought the kindred spider to that height,

Then steered the white moth thither in the night?

What but design of darkness to appall? -

If design govern in a thing so small

Robert Frost

Antoneta Wotringer

Gianluca Nespoli

Tao Te Ching Verse IV

The Tao is like an empty bowl,yet it may be used

without ever needing to be filled.

It is the deep and unfathomable

source of the ten thousand things.

Blunt the sharpness.

Untie the knot.

Soften the glare.

Settle with the dust.

It is hidden deep yet ever present.

I do not know whose child it is.

It existed before the common ancestor.

Marcin Sacha

Tao Te Ching Verse III

Not exalting the talented prevents rivalry.

Not valuing goods that are hard to obtain

prevents stealing.

Not displaying desirable things

prevents confusion of the heart.

Therefore, the True Person governs

by emptying the heart of desire

and filling the belly with food,

weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.

If the people are simple and free from desire,

then the clever ones never dare to interfere.

Practise action without striving

and all will be in order.

The Zealous

Erlend Mork

Bells In Our Hearts

"It is said that the Tao Te Ching can not be understood any more than you can understand a river. If you wish to experience the river you must jump in. Many things in the Tao Te Ching will confuse you.The confusion is not to be conquered. It does not result from a lack of knowledge. This confusion is a teacher that can teach you about yourself, your story, your people, your world and the still point of the universe to which we give the crude name - the Tao.

There are no footnotes of commentary here. These words of the Tao are to be hung like bells in our hearts and rung by the motions we make as we move through our daily lives. Any other sounds make it difficult to hear the bells.

The Tao is universal. It is not Chinese. Its is found in the quest of Christian mystics, native Americans, Zen monks, desert holy men, and indeed in every culture and age in the story of the earth. Before this story began and after it ends there is the Tao. It consists of stillness and silence and it will enter into any quiet heart."

From the preface of the Tolbert McCarroll translation.

Tao Te Ching Verse II

All under heaven see beauty as beauty

only because they also see ugliness.

All announce that good is good

only because they also denounce what is bad.

Therefore, something and nothing give birth to one another.

Difficult and easy complete one another.

Long and short fashion one another.

High and low arise from one another.

Notes and tones harmonise with one another.

Front and back follow one another.

Thus, the True Person acts without striving

and teaches without words.

Deny nothing to the ten thousand things.

Nourish them without claiming authority,

Benefit them without demanding gratitude,

Do the work, then move on.

And, the fruits of your labour will last forever.

Pearl Said It

"Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought."  Pearl S. Buck

 "Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness."   Pearl S Buck

"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream -- whatever that dream might be."  Pearl S. Buck

 "I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels."  Pearl S. Buck

"One faces the future with one's past."  Pearl S. Buck

"Sorrow fully accepted brings its own gifts. For there is alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmitted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness."  Pearl S. Buck

 "Every mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied."  Pearl S. Buck

Experiment V

Erlend Mork

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Maya Angelou

Getting Mentally Prepared

It won't be long before I start another round of treatment to try and get rid of my Hepatitis C. As I've posted before I've gone through the treatment once already and didn't beat the virus. This time around they are adding a protease inhibiter to the standard Inteferon and Ribavirin. From what I understand the triple therapy is twice as hard as the course of treatment I went through the first time, and the first time was really super hard for me.

Before I started treatment the last time, I got myself all geared up and ready to beat the disease. I was super positive and all gung-ho. "I'm gonna beat this thing, just wait and see." Then after 48 weeks of increasingly good test results, bam, they weren't good enough and the virus started replicating again. I was so upset and even embarrased. Embarrased because of all the talk I did about how I was beating it and all.

This time I'm having a really hard time getting into the right frame of mind to make it through the 48 weeks. I know what it's like to get let down when it doesn't work. I keep telling myself that I really don't have an option. I've got to try it again. Still, there's a part of me that is doubtful. I wonder if I should really put myself through all that again. What if it doesn't work again this time?

I guess I will try and think of the treatment as a battle between the bad virus thingys and the good medicine thingys...The virus thingys having holed up in my liver and the medicine thingys trying to get in and destroy them. A bit simplistic I know but it worked for me the last time. When you're too sick and tired to get out of bed it's best to keep it simple in my opinion.

I was actually in bed thinking about all this and couldn't sleep, so I got up and started writing. I think now I've exhausted all my thoughts about the treatment. At least for tonight.

Enjoy Life...

Dead Letter And The Infinite Yes

I found a letter it read

"Our existence has serious side effects"

Turned on, turned on the television

It's telling me the world is collapsing

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad?

And my therapist said

"We've evolved through a series of accidents"

There's been talk of chemical imbalances

Restless sense of detachment, nausea and or violence

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

And I don't know why it is

I feel it coming, I think it's real and significant

I think I think I think a little too often

That's what my therapist said

We're alone in this wilderness

Left to choke on the pills and to feed on the viruses

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad

Wintersleep

Garden Of Exile

In the garden of exile,

You can never leave,

Apparently there's a back gate,

But I just don't believe it,

It's designed in such a way,

That each path eventually,

Leads you back to where you started,

In never ending aisles,

Walking

In the garden of exile.

In the garden of exile,

The exile sleep all day,

A flock of birds crosses the sky,

And the gulls the other way,

I rest my hand,

In the cool of the shade,

There's nothing but a humming,

As it crosses the tile,

In the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

In the garden of exile,

Our fathers built,

Statues of all the nation's heroes,

In the tops of the hills,

Everything's done before us,

Everything is will,

The future is the past,

There'll be no thinking for a while,

No thinking in the garden of exile.

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here,

I'm only half here.

Toby Martin

Gianluca Nespoli

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe



In Your Skin

Lifehouse

The Man Who Planted Trees

In a gentle way you can shake the world.

Gandhi

I saw an extraordinary film about the life of Elzeard Bouffier, a humble shepherd who turned a wilderness into a lush forest. In a lifetime spanning two World Wars, while madmen killed each other for worldly power, this individual quietly and anonymously brought his world back to life, planting one acorn at a time. He not only created natural beauty, but contributed to healing an entire town that had fallen into despair?one man, working gently, living day to day seeding love wherever he went.

Each of us has a forest we can plant to bring our world back to life. Our trees may not be spruces; they may be children, songs, art, ideas, massage, repairs, writing, or any other gift that comes to us and through us.

What impressed me most about Elzeard Bouffier was the humility with which he conducted his forestry ministry. He was silent most of the time, he did not seek acknowledgment and never asked anyone to follow him. He simply knew what he had to do and went about the business of doing it.

I met Scott and Helen Nearing, the famous couple who initiated the back-to-the-land movement in the 1930s. Although the Nearings had well-paying jobs and comfortable city lives, they moved to the mountains of Vermont, grew organic food, heated with wood, and nurtured their land. At the time, they were laughed at and criticized. Now they are considered pioneers and virtual saints. I asked Helen, “How do you feel now that so many are doing what you began? ”

“It’s wonderful, ” Helen answered, “but that’s not why we did it. We did what we had to because it was right for us. If no one else ever followed, it would have been just as right. ”

What is your forest? How can you bring your world back to life? Begin today, one acorn at a time.

I pray to restore my world with color and beauty.

I bring my world to life.

This meditation is an excerpt from Alan Cohen's meditation book, "A Deep Breath of Life".

Where The Sidewalk Ends

 There is a place where the sidewalk ends

And before the street begins,

And there the grass grows soft and white,

And there the sun burns crimson bright,

And there the moon-bird rests from his flight

To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

And the dark street winds and bends.

Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow

We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And watch where the chalk-white arrows go

To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know

The place where the sidewalk ends.

Shel Silverstein



Street Song Serenade

A Second Chance

How many journal posts have I started by saying how long it has been since the last post? It's funny....but I'm going to have to do it again. It sure has been a long time. I have momentous news though and I thought I'd do a blog post.

My gastroenterologist is going to let me go back through the Interferon and Ribavirin treatment for my Hepatitis C. I came very close to getting rid of the virus when I went through the treatment the first time. However, if even one of the microorganisms is left it will quickly start to replicate again as mine did. This time through the treatment the doctors are adding a protease inhibitor called telaprevir. It's supposed to have a very high success rate and I'm feeling very, very hopeful. I feel the best psychologically right now that I've felt in a long time. I feel like I've been given a second chance and I have some motivation back. Now, as I look back, I realize that I've just been drifting through life not really caring about things. I knew I was dying and that idea consumed me.

Along with the constant thoughts about dying I have had a sense of shame about having this disease. I have felt that when people hear that I have Hep C, they think I must have been doing something shady or nasty to catch it. It is true that I could have been living with the virus since the 80's when I was into intraveneous drug use and shared needles. It's also just as possible I caught it by sharing razors with a lover I think might have been infected back in the 90's. Regardless of how I might have caught it, I have a second chance now of getting rid of it.