Sometimes You Can Put It Out

Sometimes you can put it out, but it just don't do no good...

Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you knock on wood.

But ain't it good to walk out on a limb and find out that it hold.

I plan on climbing high instead of growing old!

Sometimes I wake up feeling I could conquer anything.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I'm hanging by a string.

Aw but stretch that tight wire over the city.

I know the walk is dangerous, but the view is so pretty!

Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?

You know tomorrow-it just might not come.

I'll take my chances on living my life today.

Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good...

Experience is the teacher, but it's a hell of a way to learn.

Still you've got to feed the fire and hope you don't get burned.

Aw, now don't you fool yourself, you gotta pay the price.

You gotta take some chances if you want to bring home the prize!

Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?

Well you know tomorrow-it just might not come.

I'll take my chances on living my life today.

Cause sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good...

Oh yeah, feels so good...

I'm gonna sing you a little nursery rhyme...

Well it goes like this...

Well now I've put my fingers in the pie, just pulled out my thumb.

But I know how sweet the meat is of that juicy plum!

Well I'm just the kind that can't help reaching for the moon.

If I only get halfway-guess that's okay too.

Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good, no!

Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you knock on wood.

But ain't it good to walk out on a limb and find out that it holds.

I plan on climbing high instead of getting old.

Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?

You know tomorrow-it just might not come.

I'll take my chances on living my life today, cause I know...

Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good!

Aum

A Quick Update

Let's see...where should I start? I guess the most important news is how my Hepatitis C treatment is going. It's been a few days past the four week point and so far I've not had any really bad side effects. Nothing that I can't handle anyway. The main thing is the fact that when I had a viral count done at the two week point I had already cleared the virus! I had another viral count done yesterday so we'll see if it's still undetectable. If I am still undetectable after nine months it will mean that I have gotten rid of the virus... The new boyfriend I wrote about in some of my last journal posts turned out to be a big looser user and I think that's all I want to say about all that madness...I have a really cute young hippy boy sleeping next to me right now, but he comes and goes with the wind and nothing could ever come of it. He's bi-sexual leaning more toward being with women. A fun distraction though...I'll write more later guys...

Enjoy life!

Azurite

Thought Always Has Two Sides For Me

Day One

Today is the first day of my new treatment to rid me of the Hepatitis C virus that has plagued me for so long. My doctor's appointment is at  9:30, They want me to take my first doses there in the office with them for some reason. I have been through one treatment course already which failed, but I feel confident that this time it will be successful. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself... I guess I should have said I have high hopes. We'll be using the drug Ribavirin along with the latest drugs Sovoldi and Olysio.

I'm a little scared because I don't know how the new drugs are going to affect me. I've been told the side-effects this time will be less severe. We'll see...I had wanted to go do a bit of shopping after I started, but I'm afraid that I will get out and shit on myself while on the bus or something. Anyway, if you're reading this, say some prayers for me, light a candle, send me some light and love for courage and strength...

Enjoy life!

Celestite

My Winding Road

I've decided that I'm not even going to try and catch you guys up on what has gone on the past few months since my last post. I started one yesterday morning but kind of dropped things when my new "friend" woke up. I called him my new boyfriend yesterday, but I'm not sure if I should have now or not. Not that he did anything to change my mind yesterday mind you....on the contrary, we had a really nice day even though we are going through a tough financial spot right now...It's just I haven't had a very good track record and it is really early in our friendship to be thinking that way.

The main thing I wanted to talk to you about was the fact that my insurance approved me for off label use of the newest drugs to fight Hepatitis C! They have an incredibly high success rate, the side effects are supposed to be less severe than the year long treatment I went through before, and the length of treatment is only six months...great news, huh? I've already been gearing up with my chakra and yoga theory studies to use to keep myself focused and my energy levels up. I really never stop studying the subject...I've just been kind of distracted with my studies. I've just been letting myself be guided and led by spiritual universal forces...studying mainly Hinduism and a bit of Kabbalah. I have really got to get my butt up from in front of the computer and put some of the yoga theory to use physically. I have a kriyas workout schedule ready to use and I found an incredible resource that explains the five prana vayus and gives poses that are designed to help strengthen and awaken each one.

One last thing before I let you go. I had a kind of "ahh haa" moment last night. I had been studying the chakras and had been thinking and reading about them when I had to start going even deeper with the Bindu Visarga, Brahma Randhra, and Sahasrara. I made a comment that just when I thought I had an understanding of the chakras and this subject, I realized that there was more I needed to know. I always find myself having to do more research and studying. I ran across a video (and it's funny how these things just seem to fall in my lap when I need them) where a yoga instructor was talking to his class about the term, "Neti, Neti" or "Not This, Not This." He was asking the class what they thought it meant. One of the students asked him if it meant like when you think you have an idea of the concept of God and think you do but suddenly the understanding is gone and you realize that you actually don't. The instructor said, "Yes, yes....it is very similar to the fact that the very act of examining something affects what you are examining..." A little light went off in my mind....I get to a certain point in my chakra/yoga studies and suddenly it is, "neti, neti...," not this, not this..."

Enjoy life!

Incorporate The Shadow Side

Here We Go Again...

We are just coming out of the influence of the full moon in Cancer and entering the waning gibbous phase currently in Virgo and I'm sitting here this morning (6 am...I swear...) listening to a Sheryl Crow album from 1996. I can't honestly tell you what has put me in a mood to write a journal post and tell you what's been going on after so long, but hell, here goes...

Well, sorry guys....my new boyfriend (I'll tell ya about him later) just woke up....I'll catch you up later! I'll post a quick picture...

Enjoy life!

The Gift

Hold me now I need to feel relief

Like I never wanted anything

I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to

I'm so ashamed of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up

And look inside a mirror

I'm so ashamed of that thing

I suppose I'll let it go

Until I have something more to say for me

I'm so afraid of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this

I am so ashamed of this

Now I'm so ashamed of me

I am so ashamed of me...

Seether

Crazy Mary

Baby's gonna change her life

She's made up her mind

She's leaving her girls behind

And her lovers unkind

Crazy Mary look back and you're done

Just hold on and run

You're on your way home

Ain't nothin' gonna break you down Mary

I'm on your side

Nobody can touch you now Mary

Though trouble won't pass you by

Finding it hard to begin

To let the sun rise

To forget what was doing her in,

What was making her blind

Crazy Mary just keep to yourself,

Your old friends won't help

To make your escape

May you be well on your road

I know you'll get by

Life is the flower that grows

From the knots we untie

Crazy Mary look back and you're done

Just hold on and run,

You're on you way home

Big Head Todd And The Monsters

Rising From The Ashes

Intentions

“The winds of grace are blowing – it is you who must raise your sails.”

Rabindranath Tagore

For a long time I've been trying to work on making myself a better person. I've been trying to figure out what my purpose in life is supposed to be and I've been trying to figure out how to live a life that is full and happy. Recently I started reading about how important defining your intentions clearly is in the process of manifesting your desires. I honestly don't remember where I got the following information so I can't really give credit where credit is due. I feel like it is really good material so I'm going to risk it and share it with you anyway...

Nurture your Intentions

Here a few recommendations for using intention to the highest possible benefit:

Set Your Intentions High

Aim to be a saint and a miracle worker. If you know that the goal of inner growth is to acquire mastery, then plant the seed for mastery as soon as possible. Don’t strain to work wonders, but don’t deny them to yourself either. The beginning of mastery is vision; see the miracles around you, and that will make it easier for greater miracles to grow.

 Unmask your false intentions

False intentions take the form of guilty desires: I want someone else to fail. I want to get even. I want to see bad people punished. False intentions can be elusive, but you will notice their existence by the feeling connected with them – a feeling of fear, greed, rage, hopelessness, and weakness. Sense the feeling first, refuse to buy into it, and then remain aware until you find the intention lurking beneath.

Nurture your intentions every day

Everyday life surrounds us in a swirling chaos, and it’s easy to fall into the grip of our ego’s fears, demands, and confusion. You need to remind yourself – daily – of your intentions and purpose. Some people find it helpful to write down their intentions and review them each day; for others, periods of regular meditation and prayer are invaluable. Find your center and don’t let go of your intention until it feels centered inside yourself.

Detach

Intend for everything to work out as it should, then let go and allow opportunities and openings to come your way. Don’t listen to the voice that says you have to be in charge, that constant vigilance is the only way to get anything done. The outcome that you try so hard to force may not be as good for you as the one that comes naturally.

Enjoy Life!

Late Night

Oh I hope that you somebody,
someone I could count
To pull me to my feet again
when I was in doubt
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name

I'm the last cowboy in this town
Empty veins and my plastic broken crown
They said I swam the sea that ran around
They said I once was lost but now I'm truly found
And I know the place another way,
I feel, I feel no shame
Oh now Mama, do you hear my fear?
It's coming after me
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name

Stay with me, stay with me

Did you throw your heart away?
Oh I know just what I say
Did your phone cut in the way?
Being still downtown I say
And I know you ran away,
oh I know but I'm feeling okay
And I found love and fear won't go,
and I found love and feeling won't go
See you walk away, feeling okay now,
happy now, happy now?

Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me, stay with me

Foals

The Aztec Goddess Mictlantecuhtli

Consider And Hear Me O God My Lord Enlighten My Eyes

Stalemate

I've really been stressing out about not writing any blog posts. I can’t believe it has been almost two months. If you look at my archives you’ll see that I haven’t written much at all since 2013 started. I mentioned the fact that I had attempted suicide again in a post titled, “Lost” on 3/25 and I really can’t say that I've been on any sort of path of recovery. I've been more or less just getting through the days…one leading into another in an endless progression of endlessness. I won’t say that I’m depressed because I don’t think I am. I just have no clear idea of where I’m going or what I’m doing and not much motivation to even find out. I don’t want to leave my apartment.  I don’t want to have to see anybody and I don’t want them to see me. 

  

There have been some strange occurrences of synchronicity that got so frequent and intense that they really had me worried for awhile. They still do as a matter of fact but not as bad. The majority of them honestly seemed to have been like they were sent by God. Signs to show me the way I need to go in order to heal myself and to show me the path I need to be on. Or at least the direction in which the path lay. Then there were the strange synchronistic events that seemed to reinforce my feelings of being watched, of being under some sort of investigation. There were a few days the feelings and events got so strong I honestly felt manipulated.

I don’t know what else to write until I can find some sort of direction. I somehow feel like I have no moves I can make until whoever or whatever is manipulating me makes a move. Without them making a move I don’t know what my next move should be.  If my life were a chess game I guess I would be in a stalemate situation. In reading about a stalemate in chess, the game is usually considered a draw.  There would be the possibility of a swindle but I could barely understand the strategy involved for the game of chess, much less using that approach in my life.

I hope if you are reading this that you have a clear idea of who you are and where you’re headed. If not, may you be sheltered by the love of God in your journey.

Enjoy Life!  

Sophrosyne

As you can see I've learned a new word. Sophrosyne...a noun meaning a healthy state of mind characterized by self-control, moderation, and a deep awareness of one's true self resulting in true happiness. I only wish I could achieve it. Hell, I would be happy if I could just find the path that would lead me to achieve it. There are some changes that are going on right now that might or might not help. We'll see.

The apartment building where I live is going through renovations and I got my notice to move into one of the completed units yesterday. I have five days to gather my meager belongings and cart them through the halls to my new apartment. Even though the move is stressful and is causing me a lot of pain...(I have back and neck problems and my doctor refuses to help me with pain management)...I have to say it's going to be a positive change. The apartment has nice clean white tile flooring and freshly painted white walls. A blank palette to work with. When I was looking through the kitchen today I found the only bad thing about the apartment. Lots of dead cock roaches laying on the shelves of the cabinets and in the drawers....oh well, at least they're dead, right? And I always remind myself that it beats the hell out of being homeless. I'm thankful for what I have. I still have a lot of heavy things to move in the next couple of days and then I will have to clean the apartment I'm moving out of. I'm especially dreading cleaning the oven and bathroom what with the way my back is.

One of the other changes that is happening is the fact that two of my closest friends that I've ever had are moving away. It's sad, but I have allowed myself to get down to only having the two friends. Don't get me wrong....I have acquaintances but they aren't people with which I can really openly share my feelings. I don't leave my house except to go to appointments and to run necessary errands because of my anxiety problems so there's not much hope of meeting any new friends.

From this brief post you might be able to see why the word sophrosyne would intrigue me. I'm glad I was able to sit here and do this. I've thought about writing a post several times but I either didn't have the patience, didn't feel well, or just plain didn't have anything to say. Maybe my long dry spell will come to an end and I can get back to a few of the things that I used to enjoy.

Enjoy Life!

Sea Of Doubts

I told them all the ones I love

I'm leaving and I may not return

See lately I've been overcome

A feeling I fear has just begun

The pain I feel deep inside

That haunts us all that we will die

Never really knowing how it feels

To be alive

Through mountains and over seas

Through misery and disease

A spectator I played my part

But nothing could move this heart

Until I held the boys hand

The little one spoke like a man

He showed me death and said

This is how you know you're alive

A kingfisher in flight

You'll rise above the sea of doubts

Into a world full of clouds

Alive

Azure Ray