Lost

First of all I can't explain why I posted the picture of Matsya on January 4th. The story of Matsya really doesn't relate to what I was going through at the time. I can only say that I must have run across the picture and was attracted by the vibrant colors. I also can't really explain why my post on November 17th was so positive and hopeful. I do remember that I did actually feel those things at the time, however my feelings since then have changed drastically.

For those of you who don't know, I had several months of upheaval in my life starting I guess around the first of September. I can't really go into details for fear of getting in trouble. Things got really crazy. My emotions were in turmoil and on November 26th I got to the point where I just couldn't handle everything anymore and I attempted suicide. I guess I should actually say that I did commit suicide because my heart did stop for several minutes. The paramedics were finally able to resuscitate me and I was in a coma for several days. Just as they were going to run brain scans on me to see if they should shut off life support I woke up.

Writing this is proving to be very painful and difficult. These days I find myself at times wishing they hadn't revived me. I'm sorry but I don't think I can finish this post right now. I had wanted to give blogging a shot today to see if it would give me some sort of lift but it hasn't. I can't seem to find comfort in anything. I'm not going to give up on my blog because I've been working on it for a long time. Today just doesn't seem to be the day to get started back. Take care everyone and check back to see what becomes of me...

Enjoy Life...

Matsya

Alone With Me

Okay get ready folks.....actual words of my own for a change. I always say this, but it's been awhile. A lot has happened. The best way I can politely put it is that I have been going through quite a bit of psychodrama....and I have to admit I brought it on myself. Is it possible I was trying to teach myself a lesson? The reason I ask is because out of all this mess I am finding a new clarity and a new strength that I haven't drawn from in a long time. It also helps that I have got two of the best friends that anyone could ever hope for. I mean that even deeper than the words convey. In addition I have my Aunt and Sister who have and ever will be fighting in my corner with me. I can't forget my therapist who I think really, really, truly, is beginning to understand me and my psychiatrist who is working with me and changing my life.

It's also too early really for me to say anything, but I think I've met someone with potential....someone I would feel comfortable if things developed between us.An interesting development to say the least. Especially since it's happening just as I'm coming out of a soul-shaking fiasco. We'll see....and I'll keep you posted....keep your fingers crossed for me. A prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.

Enjoy Life!

PS: I'm actually going to go to an early morning meditation meeting....I don't really know what to expect but I'm going with it. At 7:15 am I might add.....oh my.....

Holding Together

Blessed Are You

Blessed are you who understand beforehand the temptations and flee from things that are alien from the way.

Blessed are you who are mocked and are not respected because of the love your master has given you.

Blessed are you who weep and are oppressed by those who have no hope, for you will be released from all bondage.

Watch and pray that you may not remain in the flesh, but that you may leave the bondage of the bitterness of this life. And when you pray, you will find rest, for you have left pain and reproach behind. When you leave the pains and the passions of the body, you will receive rest from the Good One. You will reign with the King, you united with him and he with you, from now on and forever. 

Amen

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

Crazy Baby

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As you light your twenty seventh cigarette

Oh how long have you been sittin' in the darkness?

You forget

Oh you know you're gettin' really hard to be with

And you're cryin' every time you turn around

And you wonder why you cannot pick your head up

Off the ground

Oh my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And they look at you like they don't speak your language

And you're living at the bottom of a well

And you've swallowed all the awful bloody secrets

But you can't tell

Oh, you know you ought to get yourself together

But you cannot bear to walk outside your door

No, you cannot bear to look into the mirror

Anymore, anymore

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As your worries crawl around inside your clothes

Oh, how long will you be sittin' in the darkness?

Heaven knows

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

Joan Osborne

A Prayer For Today

O Lord God,

you who are above all the great eternal realms,

you who have neither beginning nor end,

bestow upon us a spirit of knowledge

for the revelation of your mysteries,

to come to a knowledge of ourselves:

where we have come from,

where we are going,

and what we should do in order to live.

 

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

 

Scott

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street

Handing tickets out for God

Turning back she just laughs

The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand

In the auditorium

Looking on she sings the songs

The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real

Lying here with no one near

Only you and you can hear me

When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

You had a busy day today

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

"Tiny Dancer"

Elton John

Shane

Are you strong enough do you feel my touch you are the comfort in my eyes

Moving through the lust feeling dangerous I want to open the door to your life

The steps we take on the way to free our minds

And lives have changed by the way we free our minds

And being with you was the moment I opened my eyes

When you sleep at night are your dreams delight do all your fantasies fill your head

I want to dance with you with the midnight moon one in motion and do it again

Breathin in breathin out your love

Breathe it in breathe it out my love

Breathin in breathin out your love

Coming closer now to this love we found are you able to take this flight

It's come down to this the first time we kissed like the ocean we sway you and I

Buckcherry

"Opened My Eyes"

Deep Deep Down

Deep deep down
Do you really have any idea
Deep deep down
The final solution is seldom near, seldom clear

Deep deep down
Do you really have any Revelations?
I think it was a mistake
Deep deep down
Nothing ever comes fast enough for you

So take some fortune, some fame
But it never fills the hole for long
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory

Stuck in illusion
Where nothing's coming fast forever
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory
Then deep deep down,

After countless lifetimes
You see the cause of all your discontentment
You finally can be alone,
For once in a lifetime, you've got nothing to prove
It's called freedom

From "Deep Deep Down" by Love And Rockets

Konrad Wyrebek

Omega

What a skeletal wreck of man this is.

Translucent flesh and feeble bones,

the kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tomes.

Running rampant with free thought to free form, in the free and clear.

When the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a

laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, now.

We all have a little sin that needs venting,

virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems are ripped

from the branches of office, do you know what your post entails? 

Do you serve a purpose, or purposely serve?

Wind in doubt inside your atavistic allure, the value of a summer spent, and a winter earned.

For the rest of us, there is always Sunday.

The day of the week the reeks of rest, but all we do is catch our breath,

so we can wade naked in the bloody pool, and place our hand on the big, black book.

To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers.

A vacation is a countdown, T-minus your life and

counting, time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube,

and hope you get a taste.

WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR?

WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?

SHUT UP!

I can go on and on, but let's move on, shall we?

Say, you're me, and I’m you, and they all watch the things we do,

and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs,

haven’t felt like this in years.

The great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse... Let me go,

and plunge me into the dead spot again.

That’s where you go when there’s no one else around,

it’s just you, and there was never anyone to begin with, now was there?

Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse,

and a finger on the trigger.

CLASSIFIED MY ASS! THAT’S A FUCKING SECRET, AND YOU KNOW IT!

Government is another way to say better…than…you.

It’s like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won’t stick,

it’s like a whole other world where you can smell the food,

but you can’t touch the silverware.

Huh, what luck. Fascism you can vote for.

Hmph, isn’t that sweet?

And we’re all gonna die some day, because that’s the American way,

and I’ve drunk too much, and said too little,

when your gaffer taped in the

middle, say a prayer, say a face, get your self together and 

See what’s happening.

SHUT UP! 

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

I’m sorry, I could go on and on but

it's time to move on so... 

Remember: you’re a wreck, an accident.

Forget the freak, your just nature.

Keep the gun oiled, and the temple cleaned; shit snort,

and blaspheme; let the heads cool, and the engine run.

Because in the end, everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.

Stone Sour

Rick Du Boisson

Bother

Wish I was too dead to cry

My self-affliction fades

Stones to throw at my creator

Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be 

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care

If indeed I cared at all

Never had a voice to protest

So you fed me shit to digest

I wish I had a reason;

my flaws are open season

For this, I gave up trying

One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived

A zombie hides my face

Shell forgotten

with its memories

Diaries left

with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;

I don't need to be

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on:

I'll never live down my deceit

Stone Sour

Black Swan

What will grow crooked, you can't make straight

It's the price you gotta pay

Do yourself a favour and pack you bags

Buy a ticket and get on the train

Buy a ticket and get on the train

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

People get crushed like biscuit crumbs

And laid down in the bitumen

You have tried your best to please everyone

But it just isn't happening

No, it just isn't happening

And it's fucked up, fucked up

And this is fucked up, fucked up

This your blind spot, blind spot

It should be obvious, but it's not.

But it isn't, but it isn't

You cannot kickstart a dead horse

You just crush yourself and walk away

I don't care what the future holds

Cause I'm writin' out today

With your fingers you can touch me

I'm your black swan, black swan

But I made it to the top, made it to the top

This is fucked up, fucked up

You are fucked up, fucked up

This is fucked up, fucked up

Be your black swan, black swan

I'm for spare parts, broken up

Thom Yorke

One's Title

The Conscious Cataclysm 

An Apperception Of I

Conscious:

Aware of one's own existence, sensations, thoughts,surroundings.

Fully aware of or sensitive to something.

Having the mental faculties fully active, and aware of what one is doing.

Cataclysm:

Any violent upheaval.

Apperception:

Conscious perception.

The act or process of apperceiving, or perceiving.

The manner in which we receive a thing into our minds.

The Conscious Cataclysm is a place where I can share the things I'm feeling and what I'm learning about myself. Who I am, and why I'm here. My impressions are often cryptic, coming slowly and quietly, brought on by poems, song lyrics, or artwork. Other times; however, my feelings come quickly and violently brought on by a painful memory.

A Prayer For Today

Emotion regulation is a big part of my life. In order to do that I have to first identify the prompting event, my interpretation of the prompting event, and the emotion it creates. I also have to watch the action urge the emotion causes. Every impression that comes in from without, be it a sentence which we hear, an object of vision, a scent or a touch, no sooner enters our consciousness than it is drafted off in some determinate direction or other, making connection with the other materials already there and thus interpreting it. The interpretation of these impressions or prompting events produces an emotion and in turn a reaction. The particular connections it strikes into are determined by our past experiences and memories. The whole process happens so quickly it generally creates an automatic feeling, without us even thinking about it. A prompting event doesn't have to be an impression from our physical environment. It can also be a memory, a thought, or even another feeling. It is the interpretation of the event that prompts the emotion, and an emotion creates an action urge.

Some, if not all, of my posts are done in an effort to deal with the emotions created by some prompting event in my life.

Srimati Radharani

Autumn Leaves

Clint Hudson

There Will Be No White Flag

My whole life has been fraught with struggles, obstacles, and hardships. I had one strike against me even as I was born. Back in 1961 there was still a stigma attached to having a baby out of wedlock. I was a bastard child. To this day I don't even know who my Father was. On top of that I had an absent Mother. It was really not her fault though. She had to work at two sometimes three jobs just to have enough money to raise me. The responsibility fell to my Grandmother and young Aunt. Both my Mother and Grandmother are gone now and I miss them terribly. When my Aunt passes away I will be alone.

Shortly before puberty I realized that I had a second strike against me. Even before I knew what a homosexual, a fag, or a queer was, I knew I was different. I was attracted to the other boys in gym class and I was sexually active with two brothers that lived close to me. I was pretty much in love with the older brother who was three or four years older than me.

In my teenage years not only was I ostracized for being different, I became painfully aware of my family's poverty. I couldn't dress like the other kids. My activities were severely limited because we just didn't have enough money for me to do any extracurricular things. I was also too embarrassed to invite anyone to my home.

The only thing that gave me any direction was when I became old enough to work. I found work to be the only way I could ameliorate my living conditions. I worked hard for years but never got very far. The best I ever did was making it into restaurant management. Unfortunately to alleviate some of the pain in high school I had become addicted to drugs. Third Strike.

Bad decisions on my part caused me to become homeless several years ago. I was on the streets for about five years or so, wandering, lost. I've never given up though. I have fought the fight. Now I have a place to live. Granted it's in Government Assisted Housing but I've made my apartment a wonderful sanctuary designed for peace, harmony, and tranquility. A haven in the ghetto. I have to endure some pretty messed up neighbors but I'm used to that from my time on the streets. Once I get inside my apartment however all that fades away. I light my candles and listen to some great music and I'm truly home.

   

Casting A Circle

Face North And Say The Following As You Make Your Way Around The Circle Clockwise Three Times...

Use your Athame to "draw" the circle as you go around. It gives you a tool to help you visualize the circle as you are casting it. Most people use a dagger that they have cleansed. I use a Rowan Branch because it is said to protect and control the senses from enchantment and beguiling. It is a very magical tree used for wands, rods, amulets and spells.)

I usually have candles in the four directions that I light as I'm going around.

Maiden, cast your circle white

Weave a web of healing light

round and round the circle cast

joing present, future past

Mother, cast your circle red

weave a strand of family threads

sacre space shaal mow be boung

as I make this circle go round

Old Crone, cast your circle black

weave the wisdom that we lack

thrice the circle cast this night

now begins my mystical rite

I conjour thee, circle of power

be a boundary, protection,

and a meeting place between the physical and ethereal.

A guardian that shall preserve

and contain the power which I shall raise within thee,

wherefore do I bless and consecrate thee

By this time you should have made you way three times around the circle stopping facing North.

Take your Athame and raise your hands to the air. Bring your Athame down, visualizing a bubble that you are creating around the Circle. Say:

As Above

So Below

Facing North say:

Strengthen candle while burning bright

bind this circle tight tonight

candle burning bright

representing the element Earth

my circle tonight you will girth

I invite thee

Facing East say:

Powers of the East wind, Air

Breathe in us a hope to share

with loved ones who have gone before

that now we will unite once more

I invite thee

Remember to do this clockwise

Facing South:

Powers of the South and Fire

flame our passions, not our ire

guard us, guide us on our quest

in the future to be our best

I invite thee

Facing West:

Water and the western powers

let us know the strength that's ours

cleanse our minds and set us free

negative powers you now make flee

I invite thee

Facing North again:

Mother Nature, show the way

help us keep in mind each day

oh powers of the North and Earth

when there's death, there's rebirth

I invite thee

Now your Circle is cast. I usually spend some time meditating then I do a tarot reading for myself or anyone else that has asked me for one.

To close the Circle say these words as you are making you way around the circle counterclockwise. Use your Athame like you did to open the Circle.

Facing North:

Powers of Earth, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing West:

Powers of Water, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing South:

Powers of Fire, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing East:

Powers of Air, I give thanks to thee

Depart in peace

Blessed Be

Facing North again and using your Athame say:

Circle round, Now be unbound

As I make my way around

I now dissolve this sacred space and sen all powers back to place

Stay if you can, go if you must

with perfect love

and perfect trust

My work is finished for this night

Now I end my mystical rite

Going three times around counterclockwise. using your Athame, say:

The Circle is open but unbroken

So Mote It Be

The Circle is open but unbroken

So Mote It be

The Circle is open but unbroken

So Mote It Be