The Gift

Hold me now I need to feel relief

Like I never wanted anything

I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to

I'm so ashamed of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up

And look inside a mirror

I'm so ashamed of that thing

I suppose I'll let it go

Until I have something more to say for me

I'm so afraid of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this

I am so ashamed of this

Now I'm so ashamed of me

I am so ashamed of me...

Seether

Crazy Mary

Baby's gonna change her life

She's made up her mind

She's leaving her girls behind

And her lovers unkind

Crazy Mary look back and you're done

Just hold on and run

You're on your way home

Ain't nothin' gonna break you down Mary

I'm on your side

Nobody can touch you now Mary

Though trouble won't pass you by

Finding it hard to begin

To let the sun rise

To forget what was doing her in,

What was making her blind

Crazy Mary just keep to yourself,

Your old friends won't help

To make your escape

May you be well on your road

I know you'll get by

Life is the flower that grows

From the knots we untie

Crazy Mary look back and you're done

Just hold on and run,

You're on you way home

Big Head Todd And The Monsters

Rising From The Ashes

Intentions

“The winds of grace are blowing – it is you who must raise your sails.”

Rabindranath Tagore

For a long time I've been trying to work on making myself a better person. I've been trying to figure out what my purpose in life is supposed to be and I've been trying to figure out how to live a life that is full and happy. Recently I started reading about how important defining your intentions clearly is in the process of manifesting your desires. I honestly don't remember where I got the following information so I can't really give credit where credit is due. I feel like it is really good material so I'm going to risk it and share it with you anyway...

Nurture your Intentions

Here a few recommendations for using intention to the highest possible benefit:

Set Your Intentions High

Aim to be a saint and a miracle worker. If you know that the goal of inner growth is to acquire mastery, then plant the seed for mastery as soon as possible. Don’t strain to work wonders, but don’t deny them to yourself either. The beginning of mastery is vision; see the miracles around you, and that will make it easier for greater miracles to grow.

 Unmask your false intentions

False intentions take the form of guilty desires: I want someone else to fail. I want to get even. I want to see bad people punished. False intentions can be elusive, but you will notice their existence by the feeling connected with them – a feeling of fear, greed, rage, hopelessness, and weakness. Sense the feeling first, refuse to buy into it, and then remain aware until you find the intention lurking beneath.

Nurture your intentions every day

Everyday life surrounds us in a swirling chaos, and it’s easy to fall into the grip of our ego’s fears, demands, and confusion. You need to remind yourself – daily – of your intentions and purpose. Some people find it helpful to write down their intentions and review them each day; for others, periods of regular meditation and prayer are invaluable. Find your center and don’t let go of your intention until it feels centered inside yourself.

Detach

Intend for everything to work out as it should, then let go and allow opportunities and openings to come your way. Don’t listen to the voice that says you have to be in charge, that constant vigilance is the only way to get anything done. The outcome that you try so hard to force may not be as good for you as the one that comes naturally.

Enjoy Life!

Late Night

Oh I hope that you somebody,
someone I could count
To pull me to my feet again
when I was in doubt
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name

I'm the last cowboy in this town
Empty veins and my plastic broken crown
They said I swam the sea that ran around
They said I once was lost but now I'm truly found
And I know the place another way,
I feel, I feel no shame
Oh now Mama, do you hear my fear?
It's coming after me
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name

Stay with me, stay with me

Did you throw your heart away?
Oh I know just what I say
Did your phone cut in the way?
Being still downtown I say
And I know you ran away,
oh I know but I'm feeling okay
And I found love and fear won't go,
and I found love and feeling won't go
See you walk away, feeling okay now,
happy now, happy now?

Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me, stay with me

Foals

The Aztec Goddess Mictlantecuhtli

Consider And Hear Me O God My Lord Enlighten My Eyes

Stalemate

I've really been stressing out about not writing any blog posts. I can’t believe it has been almost two months. If you look at my archives you’ll see that I haven’t written much at all since 2013 started. I mentioned the fact that I had attempted suicide again in a post titled, “Lost” on 3/25 and I really can’t say that I've been on any sort of path of recovery. I've been more or less just getting through the days…one leading into another in an endless progression of endlessness. I won’t say that I’m depressed because I don’t think I am. I just have no clear idea of where I’m going or what I’m doing and not much motivation to even find out. I don’t want to leave my apartment.  I don’t want to have to see anybody and I don’t want them to see me. 

  

There have been some strange occurrences of synchronicity that got so frequent and intense that they really had me worried for awhile. They still do as a matter of fact but not as bad. The majority of them honestly seemed to have been like they were sent by God. Signs to show me the way I need to go in order to heal myself and to show me the path I need to be on. Or at least the direction in which the path lay. Then there were the strange synchronistic events that seemed to reinforce my feelings of being watched, of being under some sort of investigation. There were a few days the feelings and events got so strong I honestly felt manipulated.

I don’t know what else to write until I can find some sort of direction. I somehow feel like I have no moves I can make until whoever or whatever is manipulating me makes a move. Without them making a move I don’t know what my next move should be.  If my life were a chess game I guess I would be in a stalemate situation. In reading about a stalemate in chess, the game is usually considered a draw.  There would be the possibility of a swindle but I could barely understand the strategy involved for the game of chess, much less using that approach in my life.

I hope if you are reading this that you have a clear idea of who you are and where you’re headed. If not, may you be sheltered by the love of God in your journey.

Enjoy Life!  

Sophrosyne

As you can see I've learned a new word. Sophrosyne...a noun meaning a healthy state of mind characterized by self-control, moderation, and a deep awareness of one's true self resulting in true happiness. I only wish I could achieve it. Hell, I would be happy if I could just find the path that would lead me to achieve it. There are some changes that are going on right now that might or might not help. We'll see.

The apartment building where I live is going through renovations and I got my notice to move into one of the completed units yesterday. I have five days to gather my meager belongings and cart them through the halls to my new apartment. Even though the move is stressful and is causing me a lot of pain...(I have back and neck problems and my doctor refuses to help me with pain management)...I have to say it's going to be a positive change. The apartment has nice clean white tile flooring and freshly painted white walls. A blank palette to work with. When I was looking through the kitchen today I found the only bad thing about the apartment. Lots of dead cock roaches laying on the shelves of the cabinets and in the drawers....oh well, at least they're dead, right? And I always remind myself that it beats the hell out of being homeless. I'm thankful for what I have. I still have a lot of heavy things to move in the next couple of days and then I will have to clean the apartment I'm moving out of. I'm especially dreading cleaning the oven and bathroom what with the way my back is.

One of the other changes that is happening is the fact that two of my closest friends that I've ever had are moving away. It's sad, but I have allowed myself to get down to only having the two friends. Don't get me wrong....I have acquaintances but they aren't people with which I can really openly share my feelings. I don't leave my house except to go to appointments and to run necessary errands because of my anxiety problems so there's not much hope of meeting any new friends.

From this brief post you might be able to see why the word sophrosyne would intrigue me. I'm glad I was able to sit here and do this. I've thought about writing a post several times but I either didn't have the patience, didn't feel well, or just plain didn't have anything to say. Maybe my long dry spell will come to an end and I can get back to a few of the things that I used to enjoy.

Enjoy Life!

Sea Of Doubts

I told them all the ones I love

I'm leaving and I may not return

See lately I've been overcome

A feeling I fear has just begun

The pain I feel deep inside

That haunts us all that we will die

Never really knowing how it feels

To be alive

Through mountains and over seas

Through misery and disease

A spectator I played my part

But nothing could move this heart

Until I held the boys hand

The little one spoke like a man

He showed me death and said

This is how you know you're alive

A kingfisher in flight

You'll rise above the sea of doubts

Into a world full of clouds

Alive

Azure Ray

Lost

First of all I can't explain why I posted the picture of Matsya on January 4th. The story of Matsya really doesn't relate to what I was going through at the time. I can only say that I must have run across the picture and was attracted by the vibrant colors. I also can't really explain why my post on November 17th was so positive and hopeful. I do remember that I did actually feel those things at the time, however my feelings since then have changed drastically.

For those of you who don't know, I had several months of upheaval in my life starting I guess around the first of September. I can't really go into details for fear of getting in trouble. Things got really crazy. My emotions were in turmoil and on November 26th I got to the point where I just couldn't handle everything anymore and I attempted suicide. I guess I should actually say that I did commit suicide because my heart did stop for several minutes. The paramedics were finally able to resuscitate me and I was in a coma for several days. Just as they were going to run brain scans on me to see if they should shut off life support I woke up.

Writing this is proving to be very painful and difficult. These days I find myself at times wishing they hadn't revived me. I'm sorry but I don't think I can finish this post right now. I had wanted to give blogging a shot today to see if it would give me some sort of lift but it hasn't. I can't seem to find comfort in anything. I'm not going to give up on my blog because I've been working on it for a long time. Today just doesn't seem to be the day to get started back. Take care everyone and check back to see what becomes of me...

Enjoy Life...

Matsya

Alone With Me

Okay get ready folks.....actual words of my own for a change. I always say this, but it's been awhile. A lot has happened. The best way I can politely put it is that I have been going through quite a bit of psychodrama....and I have to admit I brought it on myself. Is it possible I was trying to teach myself a lesson? The reason I ask is because out of all this mess I am finding a new clarity and a new strength that I haven't drawn from in a long time. It also helps that I have got two of the best friends that anyone could ever hope for. I mean that even deeper than the words convey. In addition I have my Aunt and Sister who have and ever will be fighting in my corner with me. I can't forget my therapist who I think really, really, truly, is beginning to understand me and my psychiatrist who is working with me and changing my life.

It's also too early really for me to say anything, but I think I've met someone with potential....someone I would feel comfortable if things developed between us.An interesting development to say the least. Especially since it's happening just as I'm coming out of a soul-shaking fiasco. We'll see....and I'll keep you posted....keep your fingers crossed for me. A prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.

Enjoy Life!

PS: I'm actually going to go to an early morning meditation meeting....I don't really know what to expect but I'm going with it. At 7:15 am I might add.....oh my.....

Holding Together

Blessed Are You

Blessed are you who understand beforehand the temptations and flee from things that are alien from the way.

Blessed are you who are mocked and are not respected because of the love your master has given you.

Blessed are you who weep and are oppressed by those who have no hope, for you will be released from all bondage.

Watch and pray that you may not remain in the flesh, but that you may leave the bondage of the bitterness of this life. And when you pray, you will find rest, for you have left pain and reproach behind. When you leave the pains and the passions of the body, you will receive rest from the Good One. You will reign with the King, you united with him and he with you, from now on and forever. 

Amen

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

Crazy Baby

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As you light your twenty seventh cigarette

Oh how long have you been sittin' in the darkness?

You forget

Oh you know you're gettin' really hard to be with

And you're cryin' every time you turn around

And you wonder why you cannot pick your head up

Off the ground

Oh my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And they look at you like they don't speak your language

And you're living at the bottom of a well

And you've swallowed all the awful bloody secrets

But you can't tell

Oh, you know you ought to get yourself together

But you cannot bear to walk outside your door

No, you cannot bear to look into the mirror

Anymore, anymore

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As your worries crawl around inside your clothes

Oh, how long will you be sittin' in the darkness?

Heaven knows

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

Joan Osborne

A Prayer For Today

O Lord God,

you who are above all the great eternal realms,

you who have neither beginning nor end,

bestow upon us a spirit of knowledge

for the revelation of your mysteries,

to come to a knowledge of ourselves:

where we have come from,

where we are going,

and what we should do in order to live.

 

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

 

Scott

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street

Handing tickets out for God

Turning back she just laughs

The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand

In the auditorium

Looking on she sings the songs

The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real

Lying here with no one near

Only you and you can hear me

When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

You had a busy day today

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

"Tiny Dancer"

Elton John

Shane

Are you strong enough do you feel my touch you are the comfort in my eyes

Moving through the lust feeling dangerous I want to open the door to your life

The steps we take on the way to free our minds

And lives have changed by the way we free our minds

And being with you was the moment I opened my eyes

When you sleep at night are your dreams delight do all your fantasies fill your head

I want to dance with you with the midnight moon one in motion and do it again

Breathin in breathin out your love

Breathe it in breathe it out my love

Breathin in breathin out your love

Coming closer now to this love we found are you able to take this flight

It's come down to this the first time we kissed like the ocean we sway you and I

Buckcherry

"Opened My Eyes"

Deep Deep Down

Deep deep down
Do you really have any idea
Deep deep down
The final solution is seldom near, seldom clear

Deep deep down
Do you really have any Revelations?
I think it was a mistake
Deep deep down
Nothing ever comes fast enough for you

So take some fortune, some fame
But it never fills the hole for long
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory

Stuck in illusion
Where nothing's coming fast forever
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory
Then deep deep down,

After countless lifetimes
You see the cause of all your discontentment
You finally can be alone,
For once in a lifetime, you've got nothing to prove
It's called freedom

From "Deep Deep Down" by Love And Rockets