Ganapati Prarthana And Ghanapaath
4/24/14
4/23/14
4/22/14
The Ultimate Attainment
The past is already past.
Don't try to regain it.
The present does not stay.
Don't try to touch it.
From moment to moment.
The future has not come;
Don't think about it beforehand.
Whatever comes to the eye,
Leave it be.
There are no commandments to be kept;
There's no filth to be cleansed.
With empty mind really penetrated,
The dharmas have no life.
When you can be like this,
You've completed the ultimate attainment.
P'ang Yün
4/21/14
The Curtains Open For Awhile
You can't imagine how hard it is to deal with having anxiety problems on top of being Bipolar. Several months ago my medicines started to gradually help me less and less. The last several weeks have been the worst. Don't get me wrong, every now and then the curtains part and I have a good day or two, but then they close again and I'm back to my funk. Today is Monday and it's the first day I've actually left my apartment and gone outside since Thursday evening. I was in my funk most of the day but for some reason about 5:00 the curtains drew open and I've been able to do a few things. I decided I would catch up my journal posts on here while it lasts.
Tomorrow will be my 13th week doing the Hepatitis C treatment with the Ribavirin, Olysio, and Sovaldi. I reached the half-way point last week and had a viral count done. The results showed that the virus is still undetectable and all my other blood work looked good. I still get fatigued and have headaches but I can handle that.
I had been having really bad chest pains when I tried to walk anywhere and even sometimes at rest but finally realized that it was due to my heavy smoking. I tried to use nicotine patches to quit but failed miserably with them. A good friend of mine suggested that I get an electronic hookah that burns flavored oils that contain varying amounts of nicotine and you "smoke" vapor instead of actual paper and tobacco smoke (as well as all the chemicals they put in cigarettes). So I'm using one of those now and I love it. My chest has already started to heal up and feel better. I really think this is so much healthier for me. I'll be able to gradually cut down on the amount of nicotine in the flavors I'm using. Right now I'm "vapeing" a combination of vanilla and smooth tobacco. I plan on getting some cappuccino and caramel flavors next.
I've been working on a script of sorts to use to cast the first circle I've done in a long time on the night of the new moon the 29th....there's a solar eclipse the same day...anyway, I have some pretty cool intentions I want to incorporate into my ceremony. I'm calling this my medicine wheel circle and it's based on ideas I got from The Four Winds Society website. After creating my sacred space I am going to face each corresponding direction and recite the following:
North
Earth
Wisdom
Just as the
hummingbird makes the seemingly impossible migration from Canada
all the way to Brazil ,
I too will embark on the epic mythic journey when Spirit calls. Although I
don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, I will learn how to follow my
soul’s guidance to the flowers with the sweetest nectar to sustain me on my
way. I will step outside of linear time and into sacred time in the infinite to
heal my past and chart my destiny. I will assume the role of author of my own
story and I will burn all my limiting roles so that I can be fully available
when Spirit calls
East
Air
Benevolence
Just like an eagle, I will spread my wings and soar high
above the world. I will forget the minute details of my life and my old
identifications, and I will let myself see everything from a greater
perspective. I will come to know that everything that appears to be outside of
me in life is really inside of me. I will learn how to own my projections so
that I can come into a proper relationship with them and create the world of my
dreams. I will learn how to identify and close the “back doors” in my life,
which siphon my vital life force and prevent me from making my dreams reality.
South
Fire
Appropriate Behavior
In the same way that a snake sheds its skin, I will shed the
stories that bind me to my painful past and prevent me from stepping into a
bright future. I will come into a proper relationship with who I have been, who
I am, and who I am becoming. I will create the world I desire. I will visualize
luminous bands of protection in my energy field which will allow me to be more
present and available for life, instead of wasting my energy trying to hide in
fear from a terrifying world. I will follow, trust, and effectively use my
intuition as a valuable tool in navigating through the world.
West
Water
Justice
Just as the jaguar has no predators in the jungle, I
will learn to have no enemies in this world or beyond. I will leave behind the
traditional archetype of the violent warrior and step into the way of the
luminous warrior, who speaks only truth, walks truth, and calls truth. I will
break free from the grip of fear. I will explore inherited ancestral and karmic
patterns that propel me toward my destiny. I will come into right relation with
these patterns and I will honor the gifts of my ancestors, so that I can set
them free and empower myself to create the world of my dreams.I guess that's all I had to share for now guys....let's hope the curtains on the stage my life is performed on stay open for awhile this time.
Enjoy life!
4/14/14
For A New Beginning
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
~ John O'Donohue ~
To Bless the Space Between Us
4/13/14
4/11/14
4/7/14
Rumi
"Come, come again, whoever you are, come!
Heathen, fire worshiper or idolatrous, come!
Come even if you broke your penitence a hundred times,
Ours is the portal of hope, come as you are."
Mevlana Celalddin Rumi
4/4/14
Tomorrow
"I aim here only at revealing myself, who will perhaps be different tomorrow, if I learn something new which changes me."
Michel de Montaigne
"The present is the ever moving shadow that divides yesterday from tomorrow. In that lies hope."
Frank Lloyd Wright
"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith".
Franklin D. Roosevelt
4/3/14
Lonely Alone
Does anyone ever feel alone?
I doubt it...
Cause I'm alone.
And I must be the only one...
Is there meat on that bone?
Give it here....
Cause I'm starved.
And being starved, I want it all...
Do you see that field over there?
Go run in it...
Cause that's what I wanna do.
And being ill, I can't make it...
Do you get a hug and loving each night?
You better relish in it...
I hate you for it.
I'm alone...
The Meaning Of Life, Time, And Other Such Things
Okay, so back in school before I killed so many brain cells, I was in an advanced algebra class when I suddenly felt I had found the meaning of life. We were graphing systems of nonlinear equations with multiple variables. After a day of doing these equations I came to the realization that the meaning of life was for us to find our "x", "y" intercept points, maintaining a constant steady slope, while God threw changing variables of varying degrees of difficulty into the system of nonlinear equations we call our life.
Now, on a side note, let me say that I have always had a problem with seeing time as linear. I'm not even going to go there right now...but it would explain why I have such a problem with punctuation!
What brought the memory back to me and this subsequent blog post was the fact that I caught myself sitting here staring at my candle, icons, and crystals...It wasn't just that though...I had been sitting here for quite awhile and had suddenly realized just how long I had been that way. I asked myself, "How long are you going to sit here like this?"
I was reminded of an old Joan Osborne song called, "Crazy Baby." I was going to post the lyrics, but after checking my archives, I found that I already have. I also realized that either God (however you choose to interpret that) has really thrown me a whammy this time, my graphing calculator is on the fritz, or I'm close to losing it. Someone hand me another candle, would you?
Enjoy Life!
Waxing Crescent Moon In Gemini
I have always followed the moon phases and usually find it very helpful to plan my activities according to her cycles. I like to think the moon inspires and illuminates me. This phase of the moon is best for all types of positive magick and new beginnings. Invoking, ideas, inspiration, energy, vitality, self-renewal, artistic pursuits, and creativity.
Enjoy Life!
4/1/14
A Spiritual Reconnection
Okay, so let's just say my kettle boiled over a little yesterday and I sort of cussed and ranted to my therapist for about an hour. I'm not going to go into the details. I will say however, it was mutually decided that I needed to find a way to reconnect with my spiritual energy and my Divine Source. I spent some time yesterday evening meditating and trying some visualization. I got up this morning feeling some better and lit my Candle in front of my Icons of Saint Nahum and Saint Panteleimon which, by the way, has unakite, selenite, hematite, black tourmaline, apophylite, green aventurine, and tiger and hawk's eye crystals arranged around them. As synchronicity so often happens, after I was finished meditating, I ran across a Bob Marley quote on Facebook that not only coincides kind of with my need to reconnect spiritually, but also with a short story/poem that I've been working on.
"Rise up fallen fighters...rise and take your stance again!"
I think I'll close this post by saying what I think any good pagan would say, "So Mote it Be!"
Enjoy Life!
3/28/14
3/27/14
Getting Caught Up
I've just past the nine week point in my Hepatitis C treatment and I'm still undetectable. My hemoglobin has started to drop though. I am extremely winded all the time....even to the point of my chest burning when I try to exert myself....and the fatigue is unreal. I have to go back in on April 1st to have it checked again. The nurse told me that if it has continued to drop then we'll have to take steps to pull it back up.
I'm trying to think of what else has happened that I can tell you about. There really hasn't been too much going on. I've continued my Chakra and Yoga Theory studies. I spent one afternoon meditating on activating my pineal gland and imagining a Divine light shining down from Sahasrara to the gland and managed to give myself chills...(was that a good thing???).
I pulled out an old notebook of Russian Orthodox prayers one day and spent the evening and the next day going through them and missing the Church. I even decided that since my birthday this month fell on a Sunday, I would go to Vigil on Saturday night, make a confession, and hopefully receive Communion on my birthday. I went online to my old parish's website to check service times and found out that they have a new Priest now. That, coupled with the fact that it's the beginning of Lent and Saturday night's service would be full of prostrations, made me change my mind. Besides, I suppose it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. I've found a nice comfortable understanding within myself that explains my seemingly conflicting religious beliefs. I don't need to stir things back up. I remembered that I had a picture of my Prayer Corner or as I like to call it, "My Center For Spiritual Awareness," I had to hunt for a minute but I'm going to include it here. This was taken a year and two months ago and I have quite a few more icons and things on it now but here it is...
I might as well show you some of the other pictures. Things haven't changed too awfully much since these were taken. As you can see, I like to leave my windows without curtains. I like the open and spacious feeling it gives me. I live on the 6th floor so I really don't have to worry about anyone seeing in until after the sun goes down and I simply lower my shades after dark.
I guess that's about it for now....
Enjoy Life!
Sometimes You Can Put It Out
Sometimes you can put it out, but it just don't do no good...
Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you knock on wood.
But ain't it good to walk out on a limb and find out that it hold.
I plan on climbing high instead of growing old!
Sometimes I wake up feeling I could conquer anything.
Sometimes I wake up feeling like I'm hanging by a string.
Aw but stretch that tight wire over the city.
I know the walk is dangerous, but the view is so pretty!
Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?
You know tomorrow-it just might not come.
I'll take my chances on living my life today.
Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good...
Experience is the teacher, but it's a hell of a way to learn.
Still you've got to feed the fire and hope you don't get burned.
Aw, now don't you fool yourself, you gotta pay the price.
You gotta take some chances if you want to bring home the prize!
Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?
Well you know tomorrow-it just might not come.
I'll take my chances on living my life today.
Cause sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good...
Oh yeah, feels so good...
I'm gonna sing you a little nursery rhyme...
Well it goes like this...
Well now I've put my fingers in the pie, just pulled out my thumb.
But I know how sweet the meat is of that juicy plum!
Well I'm just the kind that can't help reaching for the moon.
If I only get halfway-guess that's okay too.
Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good, no!
Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you knock on wood.
But ain't it good to walk out on a limb and find out that it holds.
I plan on climbing high instead of getting old.
Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?
You know tomorrow-it just might not come.
I'll take my chances on living my life today, cause I know...
Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good!
2/21/14
2/20/14
A Quick Update
Let's see...where should I start? I guess the most important news is how my Hepatitis C treatment is going. It's been a few days past the four week point and so far I've not had any really bad side effects. Nothing that I can't handle anyway. The main thing is the fact that when I had a viral count done at the two week point I had already cleared the virus! I had another viral count done yesterday so we'll see if it's still undetectable. If I am still undetectable after nine months it will mean that I have gotten rid of the virus... The new boyfriend I wrote about in some of my last journal posts turned out to be a big looser user and I think that's all I want to say about all that madness...I have a really cute young hippy boy sleeping next to me right now, but he comes and goes with the wind and nothing could ever come of it. He's bi-sexual leaning more toward being with women. A fun distraction though...I'll write more later guys...
Enjoy life!
1/21/14
Day One
Today is the first day of my new treatment to rid me of the Hepatitis C virus that has plagued me for so long. My doctor's appointment is at 9:30, They want me to take my first doses there in the office with them for some reason. I have been through one treatment course already which failed, but I feel confident that this time it will be successful. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself... I guess I should have said I have high hopes. We'll be using the drug Ribavirin along with the latest drugs Sovoldi and Olysio.
I'm a little scared because I don't know how the new drugs are going to affect me. I've been told the side-effects this time will be less severe. We'll see...I had wanted to go do a bit of shopping after I started, but I'm afraid that I will get out and shit on myself while on the bus or something. Anyway, if you're reading this, say some prayers for me, light a candle, send me some light and love for courage and strength...
Enjoy life!
1/20/14
My Winding Road
I've decided that I'm not even going to try and catch you guys up on what has gone on the past few months since my last post. I started one yesterday morning but kind of dropped things when my new "friend" woke up. I called him my new boyfriend yesterday, but I'm not sure if I should have now or not. Not that he did anything to change my mind yesterday mind you....on the contrary, we had a really nice day even though we are going through a tough financial spot right now...It's just I haven't had a very good track record and it is really early in our friendship to be thinking that way.
The main thing I wanted to talk to you about was the fact that my insurance approved me for off label use of the newest drugs to fight Hepatitis C! They have an incredibly high success rate, the side effects are supposed to be less severe than the year long treatment I went through before, and the length of treatment is only six months...great news, huh? I've already been gearing up with my chakra and yoga theory studies to use to keep myself focused and my energy levels up. I really never stop studying the subject...I've just been kind of distracted with my studies. I've just been letting myself be guided and led by spiritual universal forces...studying mainly Hinduism and a bit of Kabbalah. I have really got to get my butt up from in front of the computer and put some of the yoga theory to use physically. I have a kriyas workout schedule ready to use and I found an incredible resource that explains the five prana vayus and gives poses that are designed to help strengthen and awaken each one.
One last thing before I let you go. I had a kind of "ahh haa" moment last night. I had been studying the chakras and had been thinking and reading about them when I had to start going even deeper with the Bindu Visarga, Brahma Randhra, and Sahasrara. I made a comment that just when I thought I had an understanding of the chakras and this subject, I realized that there was more I needed to know. I always find myself having to do more research and studying. I ran across a video (and it's funny how these things just seem to fall in my lap when I need them) where a yoga instructor was talking to his class about the term, "Neti, Neti" or "Not This, Not This." He was asking the class what they thought it meant. One of the students asked him if it meant like when you think you have an idea of the concept of God and think you do but suddenly the understanding is gone and you realize that you actually don't. The instructor said, "Yes, yes....it is very similar to the fact that the very act of examining something affects what you are examining..." A little light went off in my mind....I get to a certain point in my chakra/yoga studies and suddenly it is, "neti, neti...," not this, not this..."
Enjoy life!
1/19/14
Here We Go Again...
We are just coming out of the influence of the full moon in Cancer and entering the waning gibbous phase currently in Virgo and I'm sitting here this morning (6 am...I swear...) listening to a Sheryl Crow album from 1996. I can't honestly tell you what has put me in a mood to write a journal post and tell you what's been going on after so long, but hell, here goes...
Well, sorry guys....my new boyfriend (I'll tell ya about him later) just woke up....I'll catch you up later! I'll post a quick picture...
Enjoy life!
11/6/13
The Gift
Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...
Seether
11/4/13
Crazy Mary
Baby's gonna change her life
She's made up her mind
She's leaving her girls behind
And her lovers unkind
Crazy Mary look back and you're done
Just hold on and run
You're on your way home
Ain't nothin' gonna break you down Mary
I'm on your side
Nobody can touch you now Mary
Though trouble won't pass you by
Finding it hard to begin
To let the sun rise
To forget what was doing her in,
What was making her blind
Crazy Mary just keep to yourself,
Your old friends won't help
To make your escape
May you be well on your road
I know you'll get by
Life is the flower that grows
From the knots we untie
Crazy Mary look back and you're done
Just hold on and run,
You're on you way home
Big Head Todd And The Monsters
8/27/13
Intentions
“The winds of grace
are blowing – it is you who must raise your sails.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Nurture your Intentions
Here a few recommendations for using intention to the
highest possible benefit:
Set Your Intentions High
Aim to be a saint and a miracle worker. If you know that the
goal of inner growth is to acquire mastery, then plant the seed for mastery as
soon as possible. Don’t strain to work wonders, but don’t deny them to yourself
either. The beginning of mastery is vision; see the miracles around you, and
that will make it easier for greater miracles to grow.
Unmask your false intentions
Unmask your false intentions
False intentions take the form of guilty desires: I want
someone else to fail. I want to get even. I want to see bad people punished.
False intentions can be elusive, but you will notice their existence by the
feeling connected with them – a feeling of fear, greed, rage, hopelessness, and
weakness. Sense the feeling first, refuse to buy into it, and then remain aware
until you find the intention lurking beneath.
Nurture your intentions every day
Everyday life surrounds us in a swirling chaos, and it’s
easy to fall into the grip of our ego’s fears, demands, and confusion. You need
to remind yourself – daily – of your intentions and purpose. Some people find
it helpful to write down their intentions and review them each day; for others,
periods of regular meditation and prayer are invaluable. Find your center and
don’t let go of your intention until it feels centered inside yourself.
Detach
Enjoy Life!
7/27/13
Late Night
Oh I hope that you somebody,
someone I could count
To pull me to my feet again
when I was in doubt
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name
I'm the last cowboy in this town
Empty veins and my plastic broken crown
They said I swam the sea that ran around
They said I once was lost but now I'm truly found
And I know the place another way,
I feel, I feel no shame
Oh now Mama, do you hear my fear?
It's coming after me
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name
Stay with me, stay with me
Did you throw your heart away?
Oh I know just what I say
Did your phone cut in the way?
Being still downtown I say
And I know you ran away,
oh I know but I'm feeling okay
And I found love and fear won't go,
and I found love and feeling won't go
See you walk away, feeling okay now,
happy now, happy now?
Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me, stay with me
someone I could count
To pull me to my feet again
when I was in doubt
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name
I'm the last cowboy in this town
Empty veins and my plastic broken crown
They said I swam the sea that ran around
They said I once was lost but now I'm truly found
And I know the place another way,
I feel, I feel no shame
Oh now Mama, do you hear my fear?
It's coming after me
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name
Stay with me, stay with me
Did you throw your heart away?
Oh I know just what I say
Did your phone cut in the way?
Being still downtown I say
And I know you ran away,
oh I know but I'm feeling okay
And I found love and fear won't go,
and I found love and feeling won't go
See you walk away, feeling okay now,
happy now, happy now?
Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me, stay with me
Foals
7/15/13
Stalemate
I've really been stressing out about not writing any blog
posts. I can’t believe it has been almost two months. If you look at my
archives you’ll see that I haven’t written much at all since 2013 started. I
mentioned the fact that I had attempted suicide again in a post titled, “Lost”
on 3/25 and I really can’t say that I've been on any sort of path of recovery.
I've been more or less just getting through the days…one leading into another
in an endless progression of endlessness. I won’t say that I’m depressed
because I don’t think I am. I just have no clear idea of where I’m going or
what I’m doing and not much motivation to even find out. I don’t want to leave
my apartment. I don’t want to have to
see anybody and I don’t want them to see me.
There have been some strange occurrences of synchronicity
that got so frequent and intense that they really had me worried for awhile.
They still do as a matter of fact but not as bad. The majority of them honestly
seemed to have been like they were sent by God. Signs to show me the way I need
to go in order to heal myself and to show me the path I need to be on. Or at least
the direction in which the path lay. Then there were the strange synchronistic events
that seemed to reinforce my feelings of being watched, of being under some sort
of investigation. There were a few days the feelings and events got so strong I
honestly felt manipulated.
I don’t know what else to write until I can find some sort
of direction. I somehow feel like I have no moves I can make until whoever or
whatever is manipulating me makes a move. Without them making a move I don’t
know what my next move should be. If my
life were a chess game I guess I would be in a stalemate situation. In reading
about a stalemate in chess, the game is usually considered a draw. There would be the possibility of a swindle
but I could barely understand the strategy involved for the game of chess, much
less using that approach in my life.
I hope if you are reading this that you have a clear idea of
who you are and where you’re headed. If not, may you be sheltered by the love of God in your journey.
5/16/13
Sophrosyne
As you can see I've learned a new word. Sophrosyne...a noun meaning a healthy state of mind characterized by self-control, moderation, and a deep awareness of one's true self resulting in true happiness. I only wish I could achieve it. Hell, I would be happy if I could just find the path that would lead me to achieve it. There are some changes that are going on right now that might or might not help. We'll see.
The apartment building where I live is going through renovations and I got my notice to move into one of the completed units yesterday. I have five days to gather my meager belongings and cart them through the halls to my new apartment. Even though the move is stressful and is causing me a lot of pain...(I have back and neck problems and my doctor refuses to help me with pain management)...I have to say it's going to be a positive change. The apartment has nice clean white tile flooring and freshly painted white walls. A blank palette to work with. When I was looking through the kitchen today I found the only bad thing about the apartment. Lots of dead cock roaches laying on the shelves of the cabinets and in the drawers....oh well, at least they're dead, right? And I always remind myself that it beats the hell out of being homeless. I'm thankful for what I have. I still have a lot of heavy things to move in the next couple of days and then I will have to clean the apartment I'm moving out of. I'm especially dreading cleaning the oven and bathroom what with the way my back is.
One of the other changes that is happening is the fact that two of my closest friends that I've ever had are moving away. It's sad, but I have allowed myself to get down to only having the two friends. Don't get me wrong....I have acquaintances but they aren't people with which I can really openly share my feelings. I don't leave my house except to go to appointments and to run necessary errands because of my anxiety problems so there's not much hope of meeting any new friends.
From this brief post you might be able to see why the word sophrosyne would intrigue me. I'm glad I was able to sit here and do this. I've thought about writing a post several times but I either didn't have the patience, didn't feel well, or just plain didn't have anything to say. Maybe my long dry spell will come to an end and I can get back to a few of the things that I used to enjoy.
Enjoy Life!
4/26/13
Sea Of Doubts
I told them all the ones I love
I'm leaving and I may not return
See lately I've been overcome
A feeling I fear has just begun
The pain I feel deep inside
That haunts us all that we will die
Never really knowing how it feels
To be alive
Through mountains and over seas
Through misery and disease
A spectator I played my part
But nothing could move this heart
Until I held the boys hand
The little one spoke like a man
He showed me death and said
This is how you know you're alive
A kingfisher in flight
You'll rise above the sea of doubts
Into a world full of clouds
Alive
Azure Ray
3/25/13
Lost
First of all I can't explain why I posted the picture of Matsya on January 4th. The story of Matsya really doesn't relate to what I was going through at the time. I can only say that I must have run across the picture and was attracted by the vibrant colors. I also can't really explain why my post on November 17th was so positive and hopeful. I do remember that I did actually feel those things at the time, however my feelings since then have changed drastically.
For those of you who don't know, I had several months of upheaval in my life starting I guess around the first of September. I can't really go into details for fear of getting in trouble. Things got really crazy. My emotions were in turmoil and on November 26th I got to the point where I just couldn't handle everything anymore and I attempted suicide. I guess I should actually say that I did commit suicide because my heart did stop for several minutes. The paramedics were finally able to resuscitate me and I was in a coma for several days. Just as they were going to run brain scans on me to see if they should shut off life support I woke up.
Writing this is proving to be very painful and difficult. These days I find myself at times wishing they hadn't revived me. I'm sorry but I don't think I can finish this post right now. I had wanted to give blogging a shot today to see if it would give me some sort of lift but it hasn't. I can't seem to find comfort in anything. I'm not going to give up on my blog because I've been working on it for a long time. Today just doesn't seem to be the day to get started back. Take care everyone and check back to see what becomes of me...
Enjoy Life...
11/17/12
Alone With Me
Okay get ready folks.....actual words of my own for a change. I always say this, but it's been awhile. A lot has happened. The best way I can politely put it is that I have been going through quite a bit of psychodrama....and I have to admit I brought it on myself. Is it possible I was trying to teach myself a lesson? The reason I ask is because out of all this mess I am finding a new clarity and a new strength that I haven't drawn from in a long time. It also helps that I have got two of the best friends that anyone could ever hope for. I mean that even deeper than the words convey. In addition I have my Aunt and Sister who have and ever will be fighting in my corner with me. I can't forget my therapist who I think really, really, truly, is beginning to understand me and my psychiatrist who is working with me and changing my life.
It's also too early really for me to say anything, but I think I've met someone with potential....someone I would feel comfortable if things developed between us.An interesting development to say the least. Especially since it's happening just as I'm coming out of a soul-shaking fiasco. We'll see....and I'll keep you posted....keep your fingers crossed for me. A prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.
Enjoy Life!
PS: I'm actually going to go to an early morning meditation meeting....I don't really know what to expect but I'm going with it. At 7:15 am I might add.....oh my.....
11/16/12
11/14/12
Blessed Are You
Blessed are you who understand beforehand the temptations and flee from things that are alien from the way.
Blessed are you who are mocked and are not respected because of the love your master has given you.
Blessed are you who weep and are oppressed by those who have no hope, for you will be released from all bondage.
Watch and pray that you may not remain in the flesh, but that you may leave the bondage of the bitterness of this life. And when you pray, you will find rest, for you have left pain and reproach behind. When you leave the pains and the passions of the body, you will receive rest from the Good One. You will reign with the King, you united with him and he with you, from now on and forever.
Amen
From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures
11/12/12
Crazy Baby
And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful
As you light your twenty seventh cigarette
Oh how long have you been sittin' in the darkness?
You forget
Oh you know you're gettin' really hard to be with
And you're cryin' every time you turn around
And you wonder why you cannot pick your head up
Off the ground
Oh my crazy baby
Try to hold on tight
Oh my crazy baby
Don't put out the light
The light, the light, the light
And they look at you like they don't speak your language
And you're living at the bottom of a well
And you've swallowed all the awful bloody secrets
But you can't tell
Oh, you know you ought to get yourself together
But you cannot bear to walk outside your door
No, you cannot bear to look into the mirror
Anymore, anymore
Oh, my crazy baby
Try to hold on tight
Oh, my crazy baby
Don't put out the light
The light, the light, the light
And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful
As your worries crawl around inside your clothes
Oh, how long will you be sittin' in the darkness?
Heaven knows
Oh, my crazy baby
Try to hold on tight
Oh, my crazy baby
Don't put out the light
The light, the light, the light
The light, the light, the light
The light, the light, the light
Joan Osborne
11/11/12
A Prayer For Today
O Lord God,
you who are above all the great eternal realms,
you who have neither beginning nor end,
bestow upon us a spirit of knowledge
for the revelation of your mysteries,
to come to a knowledge of ourselves:
where we have come from,
where we are going,
and what we should do in order to live.
From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures
11/7/12
Scott
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand
Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad
Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand
"Tiny Dancer"
Elton John
10/26/12
Shane
Are you strong enough do you feel my touch you are the comfort in my eyes
Moving through the lust feeling dangerous I want to open the door to your life
The steps we take on the way to free our minds
And lives have changed by the way we free our minds
And being with you was the moment I opened my eyes
When you sleep at night are your dreams delight do all your fantasies fill your head
I want to dance with you with the midnight moon one in motion and do it again
Breathin in breathin out your love
Breathe it in breathe it out my love
Breathin in breathin out your love
Coming closer now to this love we found are you able to take this flight
It's come down to this the first time we kissed like the ocean we sway you and I
Buckcherry
"Opened My Eyes"
10/3/12
Deep Deep Down
Deep deep down
Do you really have any idea
Deep deep down
The final solution is seldom near, seldom clear
Deep deep down
Do you really have any Revelations?
I think it was a mistake
Deep deep down
Nothing ever comes fast enough for you
So take some fortune, some fame
But it never fills the hole for long
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory
Stuck in illusion
Where nothing's coming fast forever
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory
Then deep deep down,
After countless lifetimes
You see the cause of all your discontentment
You finally can be alone,
For once in a lifetime, you've got nothing to prove
It's called freedom
From "Deep Deep Down" by Love And Rockets
9/29/12
Omega
What a skeletal wreck of man this is.
Translucent flesh and feeble bones,
the kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tomes.
Running rampant with free thought to free form, in the free and clear.
When the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a
laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, now.
We all have a little sin that needs venting,
virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems are ripped
from the branches of office, do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose, or purposely serve?
Wind in doubt inside your atavistic allure, the value of a summer spent, and a winter earned.
For the rest of us, there is always Sunday.
The day of the week the reeks of rest, but all we do is catch our breath,
so we can wade naked in the bloody pool, and place our hand on the big, black book.
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers.
A vacation is a countdown, T-minus your life and
counting, time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube,
and hope you get a taste.
WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR?
WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?
SHUT UP!
I can go on and on, but let's move on, shall we?
Say, you're me, and I’m you, and they all watch the things we do,
and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs,
haven’t felt like this in years.
The great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse... Let me go,
and plunge me into the dead spot again.
That’s where you go when there’s no one else around,
it’s just you, and there was never anyone to begin with, now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse,
and a finger on the trigger.
CLASSIFIED MY ASS! THAT’S A FUCKING SECRET, AND YOU KNOW IT!
Government is another way to say better…than…you.
It’s like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won’t stick,
it’s like a whole other world where you can smell the food,
but you can’t touch the silverware.
Huh, what luck. Fascism you can vote for.
Hmph, isn’t that sweet?
And we’re all gonna die some day, because that’s the American way,
and I’ve drunk too much, and said too little,
when your gaffer taped in the
middle, say a prayer, say a face, get your self together and
See what’s happening.
SHUT UP!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
I’m sorry, I could go on and on but
it's time to move on so...
Remember: you’re a wreck, an accident.
Forget the freak, your just nature.
Keep the gun oiled, and the temple cleaned; shit snort,
and blaspheme; let the heads cool, and the engine run.
Because in the end, everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
Stone Sour
9/19/12
Bother
Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit
Stone Sour
Black Swan
What will grow crooked, you can't make straight
It's the price you gotta pay
Do yourself a favour and pack you bags
Buy a ticket and get on the train
Buy a ticket and get on the train
Cause this is fucked up, fucked up
Cause this is fucked up, fucked up
People get crushed like biscuit crumbs
And laid down in the bitumen
You have tried your best to please everyone
But it just isn't happening
No, it just isn't happening
And it's fucked up, fucked up
And this is fucked up, fucked up
This your blind spot, blind spot
It should be obvious, but it's not.
But it isn't, but it isn't
You cannot kickstart a dead horse
You just crush yourself and walk away
I don't care what the future holds
Cause I'm writin' out today
With your fingers you can touch me
I'm your black swan, black swan
But I made it to the top, made it to the top
This is fucked up, fucked up
You are fucked up, fucked up
This is fucked up, fucked up
Be your black swan, black swan
I'm for spare parts, broken up
Thom Yorke
9/17/12
One's Title
The Conscious Cataclysm
An Apperception Of I
Conscious:
Aware of one's own existence, sensations, thoughts,surroundings.
Fully aware of or sensitive to something.
Having the mental faculties fully active, and aware of what one is doing.
Cataclysm:
Any violent upheaval.
Apperception:
Conscious perception.
The act or process of apperceiving, or perceiving.
The manner in which we receive a thing into our minds.
The Conscious Cataclysm is a place where I can share the things I'm feeling and what I'm learning about myself. Who I am, and why I'm here. My impressions are often cryptic, coming slowly and quietly, brought on by poems, song lyrics, or artwork. Other times; however, my feelings come quickly and violently brought on by a painful memory.
Emotion regulation is a big part of my life. In order to do that I have to first identify the prompting event, my interpretation of the prompting event, and the emotion it creates. I also have to watch the action urge the emotion causes. Every impression that comes in from without, be it a sentence which we hear, an object of vision, a scent or a touch, no sooner enters our consciousness than it is drafted off in some determinate direction or other, making connection with the other materials already there and thus interpreting it. The interpretation of these impressions or prompting events produces an emotion and in turn a reaction. The particular connections it strikes into are determined by our past experiences and memories. The whole process happens so quickly it generally creates an automatic feeling, without us even thinking about it. A prompting event doesn't have to be an impression from our physical environment. It can also be a memory, a thought, or even another feeling. It is the interpretation of the event that prompts the emotion, and an emotion creates an action urge.
Some, if not all, of my posts are done in an effort to deal with the emotions created by some prompting event in my life.
9/16/12
9/15/12
There Will Be No White Flag
My whole life has been fraught with struggles, obstacles, and hardships. I had one strike against me even as I was born. Back in 1961 there was still a stigma attached to having a baby out of wedlock. I was a bastard child. To this day I don't even know who my Father was. On top of that I had an absent Mother. It was really not her fault though. She had to work at two sometimes three jobs just to have enough money to raise me. The responsibility fell to my Grandmother and young Aunt. Both my Mother and Grandmother are gone now and I miss them terribly. When my Aunt passes away I will be alone.
Shortly before puberty I realized that I had a second strike against me. Even before I knew what a homosexual, a fag, or a queer was, I knew I was different. I was attracted to the other boys in gym class and I was sexually active with two brothers that lived close to me. I was pretty much in love with the older brother who was three or four years older than me.
In my teenage years not only was I ostracized for being different, I became painfully aware of my family's poverty. I couldn't dress like the other kids. My activities were severely limited because we just didn't have enough money for me to do any extracurricular things. I was also too embarrassed to invite anyone to my home.
The only thing that gave me any direction was when I became old enough to work. I found work to be the only way I could ameliorate my living conditions. I worked hard for years but never got very far. The best I ever did was making it into restaurant management. Unfortunately to alleviate some of the pain in high school I had become addicted to drugs. Third Strike.
Bad decisions on my part caused me to become homeless several years ago. I was on the streets for about five years or so, wandering, lost. I've never given up though. I have fought the fight. Now I have a place to live. Granted it's in Government Assisted Housing but I've made my apartment a wonderful sanctuary designed for peace, harmony, and tranquility. A haven in the ghetto. I have to endure some pretty messed up neighbors but I'm used to that from my time on the streets. Once I get inside my apartment however all that fades away. I light my candles and listen to some great music and I'm truly home.
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