Sympathy For The Devil

Ever since the moon started waning I've been working on letting go of some things that are just not working in my life and things that I feel are holding me back. Among some of those things are negative self talk, and drinking alcohol.

Back in my teens, twenties, and early thirties I drank quite heavily and pretty much every day. Something happened though and the desire to drink was completely taken away from me. I no longer even had a taste for it. I simply didn't want it. It was really weird and could almost be described as being something of a miracle. I didn't drink from my early thirties until just recently and I started drinking a little wine because I felt that would be okay. Wrong...it gave the taste for alcohol back to me.

Like I said I've been working on letting it go along with negative self talk. Something really strange happened in my mind this morning that I want to share with you. I had gotten up really super early....like 3 am early...anyway, I decided to see who was online on a website that men in my area use to hook up. I started talking to a man and found out that he lives near me. There was a problem though....neither of us drive. He was afraid to walk to my place because I live in a pretty rough area of the city. I'm used to it...I've been down on this level for a long time and have become pretty street wise. Actually, I have gotten to know most of the crackheads and prostitutes around here. I was trying to decide if I wanted to walk to his place. I told him that I couldn't make up my mind and he asked me what it would take to convince me. I thought, "Well now..." I told him that I thought that was an interesting, intriguing question. He offered to give me a couple of beers when I got there to rejuvenate me from the exertion of walking there. That did it for me....a chance to hook up and have a few beers....yee haa....

When I got there, the man had a really nice house with expensive stuff all around. He's nice looking and super intelligent and after the dirty deed I'm sitting there drinking my fourth beer in the span of like an hour and we're talking. We had a really good conversation. I found out that he does conflict resolution for law firms, has traveled extensively, and several other facts that made me want to be in his reality instead of the one I'm in. I finished my beer and told him that I had better start walking back home. I started walking and I had a damned good buzz going on. I was making my way through the city back home and suddenly a song popped into my mind. Just the first line....I couldn't remember any more of the lyrics. That first line just kept playing over and over. Please allow me to introduce myself, please allow me to introduce myself. The sun had just started coming up and I'm walking past some of the bars downtown when I started noticing really large cigarette butts on the sidewalk. I've been homeless before and not had any money and have resorted at times to picking up butts like that and smoking them so I started picking up the ones I saw this morning and sticking them in my jacket pocket for hard times.

Enter the negative self talk... I'm not going to go into all that my mind was saying to me but it wasn't good and I knew it but couldn't stop it. All the time that one lyric was playing in the background of all the negative chatter going on. Please allow me to introduce myself, please allow me to introduce myself. I was almost home when I caught a glance of the crescent moon. I remembered how I had intended to let go of the drinking and negative self talk and here I was doing both. I actually started shaking my head and kinda doing hand motions like I was shaking it all off. I did that several times and said out loud while nobody was around, "Shake it off....let it go..."

I got back in my apartment and I sat down at the computer and googled the song lyrics I had been hearing. Turned out it was an old Rolling Stones song...."Sympathy For The Devil." A song about Lucifer introducing himself to somebody. Pretty creepy huh? Now I'm trying to think what the hell that could mean. Did it mean something or was it just a weird coincidence or something? I don't know yet....what do you think? Shake it off...let it go....shake it off....let it go...

Healing

I got an incredible amount of energy from this past Full Moon and have been bombarded with helpful, healing information and resources ever since. At times I have felt a bit overwhelmed and have had the feeling of not being able to keep up with everything that has been coming to me. I have literally had to force myself to step away from it and find some time to be mindful and try to meditate on grounding myself. I have been talking to my therapist about the importance of finding balance in my life and since I've never really had that this is all new to me. Having a spiritual awakening and finding a new balance in your life at the same time is proving to be quite a challenge but I feel up to it at this time. I really feel like I can look at myself in the mirror now and say honestly, "I'm healing..." The story of the phoenix keeps popping into my mind and what is really strange is the fact that I did a fun little chart the other day that gave you your "hippy name" by using the first letter of your first name and the date of the day you were born. My "hippy name" turned out to be Phoenix Star..." I've decided I might just use that from time to time. I like the way it sounds and feels and it kind of has personal meaning for me!

Enjoy Life!

A Mother's Love....

Heartfelt

This is an experiment in free form.....I am going to make a journal post and let my thoughts just flow.....

First off I want to say that I picture my Mother in Heaven today with a beautiful tiara on with a flowing gown of jewels for the years she spent dealing with me. she suffered and she suffered a lot and worked and worked and worked may she be at rest and perfectly blissful may she escape the cycle of rebirth.....I have everything that I need I desire a lot but I need nothing nothing has changed but everything has changed it is me that has changed I am healing I know my path and i am on it now i may retrace my footsteps from time to time but i know my course and i am still on it I am healing I am coming back I am here and I have a purpose and we will all heal together and I will try to heal as many people as I can as I myself am healing. I am in the trenches and spiritual warfare is my game but I have tools that I use that will help me to overcome, I just saw a butterfly fly by my 6th floor apartment window the spirit of the gods is with me now and always.the way i see to go is clear and the path is lined as the streets of heaven with pure gold that shines as though it were glass...

Enjoy Life!

Life Is Too Ironic

I Worried

I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers

flow in the right direction, will the earth turn

as it was taught, and if not how shall 

I correct it?

Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven, can I do better?

Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrow

can do it and I am, well,

hopeless.

Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,

am I going to get rheumatism,

lockjaw, dementia?

Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.

And gave it up. And took my old body

and went out into the morning,

and sang.

Mary Oliver

Acrobat

Dariusz Klimczak

The Waxing Moon

There is a building increase of intentions,

Charged with particles of light and energy.

Sparkling with vibratory life,

The swirling divinity of my Soul,

Is like tingling bells through my ethereal body.

Reaching for the Lunar Goddess,

It strives to find the power of creation,

Evermore moving toward fruition.

Jeff Medford

Raven Child

There Is A Way

Oh, raven child, believe the wind,

The sun has called your name,

The lonely dark, between the stars,

May too soon make it's claim.

Your spoken song will sanctify,

The travelers of old,

Your blackened coat can testify,

The journey of your soul.

Oh, raven child the canyons wild,

Can swallow all your dreams,

Go, not alone, go well-supplied,

To deal with the extremes.

Your playful games along the cliffs,

Are strengthening your wings,

But, be advised some compromise,

Must inform all these things.

There is a way to ride the wind,

And still know where to stand,

Down by the sea, along the ridge,

Or out upon the land.

Take your time among the trees,

Follow their roots to the stream,

Learn from their fruits and their leaves,

Learn from your days and your dreams.

There is a way,

There is a way,

There is a way.

Oh, raven child, behold the trees,

Their loving limbs held high,

These open arms can shelter you,

And lift you to the sky.

Their roottedness has spoken for....

The strength of standing still...

Without our legs, we break our wings...

Our journey unfulfilled.

There is a way to ride the wind,

And still know where to stand,

Down by the sea, along the ridge,

Or out upon the land.

Take your time among the trees,

Follow their roots to the stream,

Learn from their fruits and their leaves,

Learn from your days and your dreams.

There is a way,

There is a way,

There is a way.

Richard Sackett

Awaken

I will now ground and center myself. The Earth’s energy flows through my feet, into my legs, and into my pelvis at the base of my spine. My Root Chakra awakens. I can visualize and feel the red swirl of energy vibrating with Divine Life. I know who I am, and I belong. I will feel grounded and safe, today and always. I am connected to all of life and the universe. All of my needs will be met.

The energy moves up my body pausing just below my navel. My Sacral Chakra awakens. I can visualize and feel the orange swirl of energy vibrating with Divine Life. I feel well and enjoy the pleasures of my body. All of my relationships, even the most casual, have spiritual value. I am a creative being. I am grateful for all I have and know that more is on the way.

The energy moves up my body pausing at my Solar Plexus - the dip under my breastbone. I can visualize and feel the yellow swirl of energy of the Chakra awaken. It is full of confidence and vibrating with Divine Life. I am honorable in the relationship I have with myself. I accept the responsibility for the person I've become. I am worthy of all good things. I have the confidence I need to interact with others and my surroundings. I have the confidence to make the choices that are best for me, and the freedom to do so.

The energy moves up my body pausing at my Heart Chakra above my breastbone. I can visualize and feel the green swirl of energy awaken. It is full of love, strength, energy, and balance. It vibrates with Divine Life. Love is Divine Power. I love myself. I can live peacefully in this world. Let my interactions with people bring peace and love. Let me see things in peo;le that others may not see.

The energy moves up my body pausing at my Throat Chakra – in the hollow of my throat. I can visualize and feel the sky blue swirl of energy awaken. I feel myself release my will to Divine Guidance as the Chakra vibrates with Divine Life. My every choice has global consequences. My actions will be motivated by my trust and faith in Divine Authority. My faith is strong and pure. I will listen to everyone’s truth and share mine if they wish.

The energy moves up my body pausing at my Third Eye Chakra – between my eyebrows. I can visualize and feel the indigo swirl of energy awaken. I can see the things that lie within, and feel the intuition that brings messages from my higher self. May I be able to discern between truth and illusion. As the Chakra vibrates with Divine Life, I feel able to hear all the true messages and follow them without reserve.

The energy moves up my body pausing at my Crown Chakra – at the middle of the top of my head. I can visualize and feel the amethyst, blending with white, swirl of energy awaken. It vibrates with Divine Life. I can feel myself letting go. No more emotional illusions of fear. I no longer hold on to the past. I do not anticipate the future. I live in the presence of the Divine Now…

The Waning Moon

And like a dying lady, lean and pale,

Who totters forth, wrapped in a gauzy veil,

Out of her chamber, led by the insane

And feeble wanderings of her fading brain,

The moon arose up in the murky east,

A white and shapeless mass. 

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Quetzal

Ganapati Prarthana And Ghanapaath

Hematite

Vatermal

Erlend Mork

The Ultimate Attainment

The past is already past.

Don't try to regain it.

The present does not stay.

Don't try to touch it.

From moment to moment.

The future has not come;

Don't think about it beforehand.

Whatever comes to the eye,

Leave it be.

There are no commandments to be kept;

There's no filth to be cleansed.

With empty mind really penetrated, 

The dharmas have no life.

When you can be like this,

You've completed the ultimate attainment.

P'ang Yün

The Curtains Open For Awhile

You can't imagine how hard it is to deal with having anxiety problems on top of being Bipolar. Several months ago my medicines started to gradually help me less and less. The last several weeks have been the worst. Don't get me wrong, every now and then the curtains part and I have a good day or two, but then they close again and I'm back to my funk. Today is Monday and it's the first day I've actually left my apartment and gone outside since Thursday evening. I was in my funk most of the day but for some reason about 5:00 the curtains drew open and I've been able to do a few things. I decided I would catch up my journal posts on here while it lasts.

Tomorrow will be my 13th week doing the Hepatitis C treatment with the Ribavirin, Olysio, and Sovaldi. I reached the half-way point last week and had a viral count done. The results showed that the virus is still undetectable and all my other blood work looked good. I still get fatigued and have headaches but I can handle that.

I had been having really bad chest pains when I tried to walk anywhere and even sometimes at rest but finally realized that it was due to my heavy smoking. I tried to use nicotine patches to quit but failed miserably with them. A good friend of mine suggested that I get an electronic hookah that burns flavored oils that contain varying amounts of nicotine and you "smoke" vapor instead of actual paper and tobacco smoke (as well as all the chemicals they put in cigarettes). So I'm using one of those now and I love it. My chest has already started to heal up and feel better. I really think this is so much healthier for me. I'll be able to gradually cut down on the amount of nicotine in the flavors I'm using. Right now I'm "vapeing" a combination of vanilla and smooth tobacco. I plan on getting some cappuccino and caramel flavors next.

I've been working on a script of sorts to use to cast the first circle I've done in a long time on the night of the new moon the 29th....there's a solar eclipse the same day...anyway, I have some pretty cool intentions I want to incorporate into my ceremony. I'm calling this my medicine wheel circle and it's based on ideas I got from The Four Winds Society website. After creating my sacred space I am going to face each corresponding direction and recite the following:

North

Earth

Wisdom

Just as the hummingbird makes the seemingly impossible migration from Canada all the way to Brazil, I too will embark on the epic mythic journey when Spirit calls. Although I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, I will learn how to follow my soul’s guidance to the flowers with the sweetest nectar to sustain me on my way. I will step outside of linear time and into sacred time in the infinite to heal my past and chart my destiny. I will assume the role of author of my own story and I will burn all my limiting roles so that I can be fully available when Spirit calls

East

Air

Benevolence

Just like an eagle, I will spread my wings and soar high above the world. I will forget the minute details of my life and my old identifications, and I will let myself see everything from a greater perspective. I will come to know that everything that appears to be outside of me in life is really inside of me. I will learn how to own my projections so that I can come into a proper relationship with them and create the world of my dreams. I will learn how to identify and close the “back doors” in my life, which siphon my vital life force and prevent me from making my dreams reality.   

South

Fire

Appropriate Behavior

In the same way that a snake sheds its skin, I will shed the stories that bind me to my painful past and prevent me from stepping into a bright future. I will come into a proper relationship with who I have been, who I am, and who I am becoming. I will create the world I desire. I will visualize luminous bands of protection in my energy field which will allow me to be more present and available for life, instead of wasting my energy trying to hide in fear from a terrifying world. I will follow, trust, and effectively use my intuition as a valuable tool in navigating through the world.

West

Water

Justice

Just as the jaguar has no predators in the jungle, I will learn to have no enemies in this world or beyond. I will leave behind the traditional archetype of the violent warrior and step into the way of the luminous warrior, who speaks only truth, walks truth, and calls truth. I will break free from the grip of fear. I will explore inherited ancestral and karmic patterns that propel me toward my destiny. I will come into right relation with these patterns and I will honor the gifts of my ancestors, so that I can set them free and empower myself to create the world of my dreams.

I guess that's all I had to share for now guys....let's hope the curtains on the stage my life is performed on stay open for awhile this time.

Enjoy life!  

Tanzanite

Balance

Dariusz Klimczak

For A New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure; 

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue ~

To Bless the Space Between Us

Lord Rama

Sri Hanuman

Take A Flying Leap!

Rumi

"Come, come again, whoever you are, come!

Heathen, fire worshiper or idolatrous, come!

Come even if you broke your penitence a hundred times,

Ours is the portal of hope, come as you are."

Mevlana Celalddin Rumi

Adamite

Memoria

Tomorrow

"I aim here only at revealing myself, who will perhaps be different tomorrow, if I learn something new which changes me."   

Michel de Montaigne

"The present is the ever moving shadow that divides yesterday from tomorrow. In that lies hope."  

Frank Lloyd Wright

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith".   

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Aquamarine With Muscovite

Lonely Alone

Does anyone ever feel alone?

I doubt it...

Cause I'm alone.

And I must be the only one...

Is there meat on that bone?

Give it here....

Cause I'm starved.

And being starved, I want it all...

Do you see that field over there?

Go run in it...

Cause that's what I wanna do.

And being ill, I can't make it...

Do you get a hug and loving each night?

You better relish in it...

I hate you for it.

I'm alone...

No Words Needed...

Principia Rerum

Who's Watching You?

The Meaning Of Life, Time, And Other Such Things

Okay, so back in school before I killed so many brain cells, I was in an advanced algebra class when I suddenly felt I had found the meaning of life. We were graphing systems of nonlinear equations with multiple variables. After a day of doing these equations I came to the realization that the meaning of life was for us to find our "x", "y" intercept points, maintaining a constant steady slope, while God threw changing variables of varying degrees of difficulty into the system of nonlinear equations we call our life.

Now, on a side note, let me say that I have always had a problem with seeing time as linear. I'm not even going to go there right now...but it would explain why I have such a problem with punctuation!

What brought the memory back to me and this subsequent blog post was the fact that I caught myself sitting here staring at my candle, icons, and crystals...It wasn't just that though...I had been sitting here for quite awhile and had suddenly realized just how long I had been that way. I asked myself, "How long are you going to sit here like this?"

I was reminded of an old Joan Osborne song called, "Crazy Baby." I was going to post the lyrics, but after checking my archives, I found that I already have. I also realized that either God (however you choose to interpret that) has really thrown me a whammy this time, my graphing calculator is on the fritz, or I'm close to losing it. Someone hand me another candle, would you?

Enjoy Life!  

Fluorite With Malachite And Calcite

Waxing Crescent Moon In Gemini

I have always followed the moon phases and usually find it very helpful to plan my activities according to her cycles. I like to think the moon inspires and illuminates me. This phase of the moon is best for all types of positive magick and new beginnings. Invoking, ideas, inspiration, energy, vitality, self-renewal, artistic pursuits, and creativity.

Enjoy Life!

A Spiritual Reconnection

Okay, so let's just say my kettle boiled over a little yesterday and I sort of cussed and ranted to my therapist for about an hour. I'm not going to go into the details. I will say however, it was mutually decided that I needed to find a way to reconnect with my spiritual energy and my Divine Source. I spent some time yesterday evening meditating and trying some visualization. I got up this morning feeling some better and lit my Candle in front of my Icons of Saint Nahum and Saint Panteleimon which, by the way, has unakite, selenite, hematite, black tourmaline, apophylite, green aventurine, and tiger and hawk's eye crystals arranged around them. As synchronicity so often happens, after I was finished meditating, I ran across a Bob Marley quote on Facebook that not only coincides kind of with my need to reconnect spiritually, but also with a short story/poem that I've been working on.

"Rise up fallen fighters...rise and take your stance again!" 

I think I'll close this post by saying what I think any good pagan would say, "So Mote it Be!"

Enjoy Life!

Holographic Triumvirate

George Atherton

Riding Around...Get In!!!

Getting Caught Up

I've just past the nine week point in my Hepatitis C treatment and I'm still undetectable. My hemoglobin has started to drop though. I am extremely winded all the time....even to the point of my chest burning when I try to exert myself....and the fatigue is unreal. I have to go back in on April 1st to have it checked again. The nurse told me that if it has continued to drop then we'll have to take steps to pull it back up.

I'm trying to think of what else has happened that I can tell you about. There really hasn't been too much going on. I've continued my Chakra and Yoga Theory studies. I spent one afternoon meditating on activating my pineal gland and imagining a Divine light shining down from Sahasrara to the gland and managed to give myself chills...(was that a good thing???).

I pulled out an old notebook of Russian Orthodox prayers one day and spent the evening and the next day going through them and missing the Church. I even decided that since my birthday this month fell on a Sunday, I would go to Vigil on Saturday night, make a confession, and hopefully receive Communion on my birthday. I went online to my old parish's website to check service times and found out that they have a new Priest now. That, coupled with the fact that it's the beginning of Lent and Saturday night's service would be full of prostrations, made me change my mind. Besides, I suppose it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. I've found a nice comfortable understanding within myself that explains my seemingly conflicting religious beliefs. I don't need to stir things back up. I remembered that I had a picture of my Prayer Corner or as I like to call it, "My Center For Spiritual Awareness," I had to hunt for a minute but I'm going to include it here. This was taken a year and two months ago and I have quite a few more icons and things on it now but here it is...

I might as well show you some of the other pictures. Things haven't changed too awfully much since these were taken. As you can see, I like to leave my windows without curtains. I like the open and spacious feeling it gives me. I live on the 6th floor so I really don't have to worry about anyone seeing in until after the sun goes down and I simply lower my shades after dark.

I guess that's about it for now....

Enjoy Life!

Sometimes You Can Put It Out

Sometimes you can put it out, but it just don't do no good...

Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you knock on wood.

But ain't it good to walk out on a limb and find out that it hold.

I plan on climbing high instead of growing old!

Sometimes I wake up feeling I could conquer anything.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I'm hanging by a string.

Aw but stretch that tight wire over the city.

I know the walk is dangerous, but the view is so pretty!

Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?

You know tomorrow-it just might not come.

I'll take my chances on living my life today.

Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good...

Experience is the teacher, but it's a hell of a way to learn.

Still you've got to feed the fire and hope you don't get burned.

Aw, now don't you fool yourself, you gotta pay the price.

You gotta take some chances if you want to bring home the prize!

Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?

Well you know tomorrow-it just might not come.

I'll take my chances on living my life today.

Cause sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good...

Oh yeah, feels so good...

I'm gonna sing you a little nursery rhyme...

Well it goes like this...

Well now I've put my fingers in the pie, just pulled out my thumb.

But I know how sweet the meat is of that juicy plum!

Well I'm just the kind that can't help reaching for the moon.

If I only get halfway-guess that's okay too.

Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good, no!

Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you knock on wood.

But ain't it good to walk out on a limb and find out that it holds.

I plan on climbing high instead of getting old.

Why should I worry what happens tomorrow?

You know tomorrow-it just might not come.

I'll take my chances on living my life today, cause I know...

Sometimes you can put it out and it don't do ya no good!

Aum

A Quick Update

Let's see...where should I start? I guess the most important news is how my Hepatitis C treatment is going. It's been a few days past the four week point and so far I've not had any really bad side effects. Nothing that I can't handle anyway. The main thing is the fact that when I had a viral count done at the two week point I had already cleared the virus! I had another viral count done yesterday so we'll see if it's still undetectable. If I am still undetectable after nine months it will mean that I have gotten rid of the virus... The new boyfriend I wrote about in some of my last journal posts turned out to be a big looser user and I think that's all I want to say about all that madness...I have a really cute young hippy boy sleeping next to me right now, but he comes and goes with the wind and nothing could ever come of it. He's bi-sexual leaning more toward being with women. A fun distraction though...I'll write more later guys...

Enjoy life!

Azurite

Thought Always Has Two Sides For Me

Day One

Today is the first day of my new treatment to rid me of the Hepatitis C virus that has plagued me for so long. My doctor's appointment is at  9:30, They want me to take my first doses there in the office with them for some reason. I have been through one treatment course already which failed, but I feel confident that this time it will be successful. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself... I guess I should have said I have high hopes. We'll be using the drug Ribavirin along with the latest drugs Sovoldi and Olysio.

I'm a little scared because I don't know how the new drugs are going to affect me. I've been told the side-effects this time will be less severe. We'll see...I had wanted to go do a bit of shopping after I started, but I'm afraid that I will get out and shit on myself while on the bus or something. Anyway, if you're reading this, say some prayers for me, light a candle, send me some light and love for courage and strength...

Enjoy life!

Celestite

My Winding Road

I've decided that I'm not even going to try and catch you guys up on what has gone on the past few months since my last post. I started one yesterday morning but kind of dropped things when my new "friend" woke up. I called him my new boyfriend yesterday, but I'm not sure if I should have now or not. Not that he did anything to change my mind yesterday mind you....on the contrary, we had a really nice day even though we are going through a tough financial spot right now...It's just I haven't had a very good track record and it is really early in our friendship to be thinking that way.

The main thing I wanted to talk to you about was the fact that my insurance approved me for off label use of the newest drugs to fight Hepatitis C! They have an incredibly high success rate, the side effects are supposed to be less severe than the year long treatment I went through before, and the length of treatment is only six months...great news, huh? I've already been gearing up with my chakra and yoga theory studies to use to keep myself focused and my energy levels up. I really never stop studying the subject...I've just been kind of distracted with my studies. I've just been letting myself be guided and led by spiritual universal forces...studying mainly Hinduism and a bit of Kabbalah. I have really got to get my butt up from in front of the computer and put some of the yoga theory to use physically. I have a kriyas workout schedule ready to use and I found an incredible resource that explains the five prana vayus and gives poses that are designed to help strengthen and awaken each one.

One last thing before I let you go. I had a kind of "ahh haa" moment last night. I had been studying the chakras and had been thinking and reading about them when I had to start going even deeper with the Bindu Visarga, Brahma Randhra, and Sahasrara. I made a comment that just when I thought I had an understanding of the chakras and this subject, I realized that there was more I needed to know. I always find myself having to do more research and studying. I ran across a video (and it's funny how these things just seem to fall in my lap when I need them) where a yoga instructor was talking to his class about the term, "Neti, Neti" or "Not This, Not This." He was asking the class what they thought it meant. One of the students asked him if it meant like when you think you have an idea of the concept of God and think you do but suddenly the understanding is gone and you realize that you actually don't. The instructor said, "Yes, yes....it is very similar to the fact that the very act of examining something affects what you are examining..." A little light went off in my mind....I get to a certain point in my chakra/yoga studies and suddenly it is, "neti, neti...," not this, not this..."

Enjoy life!

Incorporate The Shadow Side

Here We Go Again...

We are just coming out of the influence of the full moon in Cancer and entering the waning gibbous phase currently in Virgo and I'm sitting here this morning (6 am...I swear...) listening to a Sheryl Crow album from 1996. I can't honestly tell you what has put me in a mood to write a journal post and tell you what's been going on after so long, but hell, here goes...

Well, sorry guys....my new boyfriend (I'll tell ya about him later) just woke up....I'll catch you up later! I'll post a quick picture...

Enjoy life!

The Gift

Hold me now I need to feel relief

Like I never wanted anything

I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to

I'm so ashamed of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up

And look inside a mirror

I'm so ashamed of that thing

I suppose I'll let it go

Until I have something more to say for me

I'm so afraid of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this

I am so ashamed of this

Now I'm so ashamed of me

I am so ashamed of me...

Seether

Crazy Mary

Baby's gonna change her life

She's made up her mind

She's leaving her girls behind

And her lovers unkind

Crazy Mary look back and you're done

Just hold on and run

You're on your way home

Ain't nothin' gonna break you down Mary

I'm on your side

Nobody can touch you now Mary

Though trouble won't pass you by

Finding it hard to begin

To let the sun rise

To forget what was doing her in,

What was making her blind

Crazy Mary just keep to yourself,

Your old friends won't help

To make your escape

May you be well on your road

I know you'll get by

Life is the flower that grows

From the knots we untie

Crazy Mary look back and you're done

Just hold on and run,

You're on you way home

Big Head Todd And The Monsters

Rising From The Ashes

Intentions

“The winds of grace are blowing – it is you who must raise your sails.”

Rabindranath Tagore

For a long time I've been trying to work on making myself a better person. I've been trying to figure out what my purpose in life is supposed to be and I've been trying to figure out how to live a life that is full and happy. Recently I started reading about how important defining your intentions clearly is in the process of manifesting your desires. I honestly don't remember where I got the following information so I can't really give credit where credit is due. I feel like it is really good material so I'm going to risk it and share it with you anyway...

Nurture your Intentions

Here a few recommendations for using intention to the highest possible benefit:

Set Your Intentions High

Aim to be a saint and a miracle worker. If you know that the goal of inner growth is to acquire mastery, then plant the seed for mastery as soon as possible. Don’t strain to work wonders, but don’t deny them to yourself either. The beginning of mastery is vision; see the miracles around you, and that will make it easier for greater miracles to grow.

 Unmask your false intentions

False intentions take the form of guilty desires: I want someone else to fail. I want to get even. I want to see bad people punished. False intentions can be elusive, but you will notice their existence by the feeling connected with them – a feeling of fear, greed, rage, hopelessness, and weakness. Sense the feeling first, refuse to buy into it, and then remain aware until you find the intention lurking beneath.

Nurture your intentions every day

Everyday life surrounds us in a swirling chaos, and it’s easy to fall into the grip of our ego’s fears, demands, and confusion. You need to remind yourself – daily – of your intentions and purpose. Some people find it helpful to write down their intentions and review them each day; for others, periods of regular meditation and prayer are invaluable. Find your center and don’t let go of your intention until it feels centered inside yourself.

Detach

Intend for everything to work out as it should, then let go and allow opportunities and openings to come your way. Don’t listen to the voice that says you have to be in charge, that constant vigilance is the only way to get anything done. The outcome that you try so hard to force may not be as good for you as the one that comes naturally.

Enjoy Life!

Late Night

Oh I hope that you somebody,
someone I could count
To pull me to my feet again
when I was in doubt
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name
Oh now Mama, do you hear me?
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name

I'm the last cowboy in this town
Empty veins and my plastic broken crown
They said I swam the sea that ran around
They said I once was lost but now I'm truly found
And I know the place another way,
I feel, I feel no shame
Oh now Mama, do you hear my fear?
It's coming after me
I'm calling out your name,
I'm calling out your name

Stay with me, stay with me

Did you throw your heart away?
Oh I know just what I say
Did your phone cut in the way?
Being still downtown I say
And I know you ran away,
oh I know but I'm feeling okay
And I found love and fear won't go,
and I found love and feeling won't go
See you walk away, feeling okay now,
happy now, happy now?

Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me, stay with me

Foals

The Aztec Goddess Mictlantecuhtli

Consider And Hear Me O God My Lord Enlighten My Eyes

Stalemate

I've really been stressing out about not writing any blog posts. I can’t believe it has been almost two months. If you look at my archives you’ll see that I haven’t written much at all since 2013 started. I mentioned the fact that I had attempted suicide again in a post titled, “Lost” on 3/25 and I really can’t say that I've been on any sort of path of recovery. I've been more or less just getting through the days…one leading into another in an endless progression of endlessness. I won’t say that I’m depressed because I don’t think I am. I just have no clear idea of where I’m going or what I’m doing and not much motivation to even find out. I don’t want to leave my apartment.  I don’t want to have to see anybody and I don’t want them to see me. 

  

There have been some strange occurrences of synchronicity that got so frequent and intense that they really had me worried for awhile. They still do as a matter of fact but not as bad. The majority of them honestly seemed to have been like they were sent by God. Signs to show me the way I need to go in order to heal myself and to show me the path I need to be on. Or at least the direction in which the path lay. Then there were the strange synchronistic events that seemed to reinforce my feelings of being watched, of being under some sort of investigation. There were a few days the feelings and events got so strong I honestly felt manipulated.

I don’t know what else to write until I can find some sort of direction. I somehow feel like I have no moves I can make until whoever or whatever is manipulating me makes a move. Without them making a move I don’t know what my next move should be.  If my life were a chess game I guess I would be in a stalemate situation. In reading about a stalemate in chess, the game is usually considered a draw.  There would be the possibility of a swindle but I could barely understand the strategy involved for the game of chess, much less using that approach in my life.

I hope if you are reading this that you have a clear idea of who you are and where you’re headed. If not, may you be sheltered by the love of God in your journey.

Enjoy Life!  

Sophrosyne

As you can see I've learned a new word. Sophrosyne...a noun meaning a healthy state of mind characterized by self-control, moderation, and a deep awareness of one's true self resulting in true happiness. I only wish I could achieve it. Hell, I would be happy if I could just find the path that would lead me to achieve it. There are some changes that are going on right now that might or might not help. We'll see.

The apartment building where I live is going through renovations and I got my notice to move into one of the completed units yesterday. I have five days to gather my meager belongings and cart them through the halls to my new apartment. Even though the move is stressful and is causing me a lot of pain...(I have back and neck problems and my doctor refuses to help me with pain management)...I have to say it's going to be a positive change. The apartment has nice clean white tile flooring and freshly painted white walls. A blank palette to work with. When I was looking through the kitchen today I found the only bad thing about the apartment. Lots of dead cock roaches laying on the shelves of the cabinets and in the drawers....oh well, at least they're dead, right? And I always remind myself that it beats the hell out of being homeless. I'm thankful for what I have. I still have a lot of heavy things to move in the next couple of days and then I will have to clean the apartment I'm moving out of. I'm especially dreading cleaning the oven and bathroom what with the way my back is.

One of the other changes that is happening is the fact that two of my closest friends that I've ever had are moving away. It's sad, but I have allowed myself to get down to only having the two friends. Don't get me wrong....I have acquaintances but they aren't people with which I can really openly share my feelings. I don't leave my house except to go to appointments and to run necessary errands because of my anxiety problems so there's not much hope of meeting any new friends.

From this brief post you might be able to see why the word sophrosyne would intrigue me. I'm glad I was able to sit here and do this. I've thought about writing a post several times but I either didn't have the patience, didn't feel well, or just plain didn't have anything to say. Maybe my long dry spell will come to an end and I can get back to a few of the things that I used to enjoy.

Enjoy Life!

Sea Of Doubts

I told them all the ones I love

I'm leaving and I may not return

See lately I've been overcome

A feeling I fear has just begun

The pain I feel deep inside

That haunts us all that we will die

Never really knowing how it feels

To be alive

Through mountains and over seas

Through misery and disease

A spectator I played my part

But nothing could move this heart

Until I held the boys hand

The little one spoke like a man

He showed me death and said

This is how you know you're alive

A kingfisher in flight

You'll rise above the sea of doubts

Into a world full of clouds

Alive

Azure Ray

Lost

First of all I can't explain why I posted the picture of Matsya on January 4th. The story of Matsya really doesn't relate to what I was going through at the time. I can only say that I must have run across the picture and was attracted by the vibrant colors. I also can't really explain why my post on November 17th was so positive and hopeful. I do remember that I did actually feel those things at the time, however my feelings since then have changed drastically.

For those of you who don't know, I had several months of upheaval in my life starting I guess around the first of September. I can't really go into details for fear of getting in trouble. Things got really crazy. My emotions were in turmoil and on November 26th I got to the point where I just couldn't handle everything anymore and I attempted suicide. I guess I should actually say that I did commit suicide because my heart did stop for several minutes. The paramedics were finally able to resuscitate me and I was in a coma for several days. Just as they were going to run brain scans on me to see if they should shut off life support I woke up.

Writing this is proving to be very painful and difficult. These days I find myself at times wishing they hadn't revived me. I'm sorry but I don't think I can finish this post right now. I had wanted to give blogging a shot today to see if it would give me some sort of lift but it hasn't. I can't seem to find comfort in anything. I'm not going to give up on my blog because I've been working on it for a long time. Today just doesn't seem to be the day to get started back. Take care everyone and check back to see what becomes of me...

Enjoy Life...

Matsya

Alone With Me

Okay get ready folks.....actual words of my own for a change. I always say this, but it's been awhile. A lot has happened. The best way I can politely put it is that I have been going through quite a bit of psychodrama....and I have to admit I brought it on myself. Is it possible I was trying to teach myself a lesson? The reason I ask is because out of all this mess I am finding a new clarity and a new strength that I haven't drawn from in a long time. It also helps that I have got two of the best friends that anyone could ever hope for. I mean that even deeper than the words convey. In addition I have my Aunt and Sister who have and ever will be fighting in my corner with me. I can't forget my therapist who I think really, really, truly, is beginning to understand me and my psychiatrist who is working with me and changing my life.

It's also too early really for me to say anything, but I think I've met someone with potential....someone I would feel comfortable if things developed between us.An interesting development to say the least. Especially since it's happening just as I'm coming out of a soul-shaking fiasco. We'll see....and I'll keep you posted....keep your fingers crossed for me. A prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.

Enjoy Life!

PS: I'm actually going to go to an early morning meditation meeting....I don't really know what to expect but I'm going with it. At 7:15 am I might add.....oh my.....

Holding Together

Blessed Are You

Blessed are you who understand beforehand the temptations and flee from things that are alien from the way.

Blessed are you who are mocked and are not respected because of the love your master has given you.

Blessed are you who weep and are oppressed by those who have no hope, for you will be released from all bondage.

Watch and pray that you may not remain in the flesh, but that you may leave the bondage of the bitterness of this life. And when you pray, you will find rest, for you have left pain and reproach behind. When you leave the pains and the passions of the body, you will receive rest from the Good One. You will reign with the King, you united with him and he with you, from now on and forever. 

Amen

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

Crazy Baby

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As you light your twenty seventh cigarette

Oh how long have you been sittin' in the darkness?

You forget

Oh you know you're gettin' really hard to be with

And you're cryin' every time you turn around

And you wonder why you cannot pick your head up

Off the ground

Oh my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And they look at you like they don't speak your language

And you're living at the bottom of a well

And you've swallowed all the awful bloody secrets

But you can't tell

Oh, you know you ought to get yourself together

But you cannot bear to walk outside your door

No, you cannot bear to look into the mirror

Anymore, anymore

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful

As your worries crawl around inside your clothes

Oh, how long will you be sittin' in the darkness?

Heaven knows

Oh, my crazy baby

Try to hold on tight

Oh, my crazy baby

Don't put out the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

The light, the light, the light

Joan Osborne

A Prayer For Today

O Lord God,

you who are above all the great eternal realms,

you who have neither beginning nor end,

bestow upon us a spirit of knowledge

for the revelation of your mysteries,

to come to a knowledge of ourselves:

where we have come from,

where we are going,

and what we should do in order to live.

 

From The Nag Hammadi Scriptures

 

Scott

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street

Handing tickets out for God

Turning back she just laughs

The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand

In the auditorium

Looking on she sings the songs

The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real

Lying here with no one near

Only you and you can hear me

When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

You had a busy day today

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

"Tiny Dancer"

Elton John

Shane

Are you strong enough do you feel my touch you are the comfort in my eyes

Moving through the lust feeling dangerous I want to open the door to your life

The steps we take on the way to free our minds

And lives have changed by the way we free our minds

And being with you was the moment I opened my eyes

When you sleep at night are your dreams delight do all your fantasies fill your head

I want to dance with you with the midnight moon one in motion and do it again

Breathin in breathin out your love

Breathe it in breathe it out my love

Breathin in breathin out your love

Coming closer now to this love we found are you able to take this flight

It's come down to this the first time we kissed like the ocean we sway you and I

Buckcherry

"Opened My Eyes"

Deep Deep Down

Deep deep down
Do you really have any idea
Deep deep down
The final solution is seldom near, seldom clear

Deep deep down
Do you really have any Revelations?
I think it was a mistake
Deep deep down
Nothing ever comes fast enough for you

So take some fortune, some fame
But it never fills the hole for long
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory

Stuck in illusion
Where nothing's coming fast forever
And any kind of love you've had
Is always far sweeter as a memory
Then deep deep down,

After countless lifetimes
You see the cause of all your discontentment
You finally can be alone,
For once in a lifetime, you've got nothing to prove
It's called freedom

From "Deep Deep Down" by Love And Rockets

Konrad Wyrebek