Guaranteed

Eddie Vedder

An Aching Soul

I am really kind of heartsick tonight. I just saw the videos of the Olympic torch lighting ceremony protests. China's spitting in the eye of the world, and the world's just wiping it off with an indifferent shrug.

I was also appalled at an article I found a few moments later. What's worse, I am ashamed that it was written by Mary Frances Forrester, the wife of an American Senator from my home state of North Carolina. I wish I had read the article, "The Real Homosexual Agenda" when it was first published on February 29, 2008. I would have urged every Homosexual/Bisexual/Transgender person that read my words to use the "contact us" link on their ignorant, misguided, souls of sheep website, to inundate them with protest mail. I actually couldn't help myself; I used the link and spoke my mind. I had to.

I wish I could do something to help my GLBT Family.
I wish I could do something to help Tibet.
I wish I could do something to help Darfur.
I wish I could do something to help the poor children being born into this fucked up world.
I wish I could do something to help...
I wish I could do something...
I wish I could...
I wish...

Enjoy life???

Great Light Of The World

Bebo Norman

Abdel Kader

Cheb Khaled, Rachid Taha, Faudel

Two Trailer Park Girls Grab Their Better Homes And Gardens Magazines And Beat The Shit Out Of Martha Stewart

You know, I think I enjoy coming up with titles for my posts more than I like actually writing them... Ms. Didit and I have spent the entire month of February getting her moved out of her old apartment and into her new one. I have to say, I really enjoyed helping her unpack, organize, and decorate regardless of how exhausting it was.

I really haven't had much time to even think about my own "stuff". My medications got a little screwed up and at the same time my blood counts dropped severely. It became necessary for me to give myself an injection of Neupogen along with my weekly Inteferon and daily Ribavirin. I managed to get a laptop to use while I'm rebuilding my desktop computer. That's really all I have to talk about this post. I just wanted to stay in touch. I will mention that I'm having a lot of fun on a website I found and I think I'll share it with you guys. It's called, PostCrossing. For every postcard you send, you receive one back from a random postcrosser somewhere in the world. I've gotten some pretty cool postcards and some pretty cool stamps. I've made a couple of friends as well. Enjoy life!

Things Remembered That I Had Forgotten I Remembered Continues...

This is a quote found and copied several years ago, while homeless and living at Calvary Shelter. It was found while helping Debra move into her apartment, Thursday, February 21, 2008. The Moon was still under the influence of being full in Virgo with a lunar eclipse the previous night. A very intense period; I had a message from the other realm that night involving my shoes, and my Grandmother’s quirky attempts at contacting me. I had just a glimpse of a deeper meaning, involving my walk. “It’s all in the walk.” It hit pretty strongly and I had to take about ten minutes to cry, reflect, and regroup. Walking through this life can be like the people who walk through fire without getting burnt. You have to have the same mindset when faced with adversity.

We did an extensive personal and environmental cleansing that felt very effective.

The Quote:

In a dream I walked with God through the deep places of creation; past walls that receded and gates that opened, through hall after hall of silence, darkness and refreshment-the dwelling place of souls acquainted with light and warmth-until, around me, was an infinity into which we all flowed together and lived anew, like the rings made by raindrops falling upon wide expanses of calm dark waters.

Unknown Source…

This is intensely personal to write. Though looking forward to going to my real eternal home, I'm not ready to leave this one yet. I've only begun to learn the things I'm here to learn. I've only had glimpses of the things I need to see, and the glimpses have been through a sheer veil. I am uncertain at this point of the effectiveness of the treatment I have been undergoing. I certainly do not feel well, but I remain active, I remain hopeful, I try to stay positive, I maintain my sense of humor with loving care, as it is the one thing that pulls me through. I depend on the love, support, and guidance of my friends, family, and caretakers. I depend on my loving creator’s greater knowledge of what is to happen. I trust in that. I have faith in that. Enjoy life…

Silly Sally Was Walking Through The Park One Night...

The past few weeks have certainly been a whirlwind of activity. Somehow, I've managed to remain positive, even though at times it's been hard. In the past two weeks, I've had a number of medical appointments. One of which was with my new psychiatrist. At one point in our initial visit, he wanted to check my memory. He gave me a list of random words to remember, then he continued to talk with me and ask me questions. Naturally, I obsessed over the list while I tried to respond to his questions and comments. After several minutes, he asked me to repeat the list. I repeated what I thought to be the correct answers. He gave me a perplexed grin and asked, "Do you realize you alphabetized the list???" I busted out with laughter and amazement. I had done it without even knowing it. Maybe I should plan a trip to Vegas... Enjoy life!

It's My Blog And I'll Whine If I Want To!!

Since November, I've been faced with one crisis after another. I've tried my best to remain positive and hopeful despite all the difficulties that have come my way. Quite a few times, however, I caught myself whining to my friends and family. After only a few "black parades" I started getting sick of my own moaning. I quickly began to develop some anti-whining strategies. At times I simply changed the subject. At other times, I found some lesson I could learn from my problems to discuss. The best times though, were when I was able to find the humor in the overwhelming volume of pure shit being slung at me. The power of laughing your ass off while bawling your eyes out is truly amazing.

Now, for the first time since it all started, I welcome you to read, "The rest of the story." A story that should probably be titled, "The Time HopeAbounds4Me Almost Forgot His Name."

If you haven't read my profile, I need to explain that I am currently receiving disability benefits due to my Bi-Polar Disorder, and two other diagnoses. With medication, my Bi-Polar Disorder is usually manageable. There are times, however, when I'll cycle into a manic state. When this happens my good judgement flies out the window. I usually get an overwhelming need to put on a diamond and pearl studded tiara, get high, and go on an extravagant shopping spree...Like I'm some kind of exiled, near homeless member of an ancient royal lineage. This, of course, is why the Social Security Administration found it necessary for me to have a payee representative, to help me "monitor" my bank account. Good God, Anyway...

When I received my November checks in the mail from my payee at the time, the lovely, magnanimous Ms. Nancy Baker, (Cough...) She had included a short and sweet letter stating she could no longer be my payee because she was moving to Montana (like some 70's Frank Zappa song). After my disability check was deposited in December, my bank account would be closed. I would be getting a check in the mail for the closing balance. Have a nice day...(Thank you so much Nancy!) Naturally, this triggered my anxiety disorder.

Oh my God! What would I do? Was I about to lose everything I had worked so hard for two years to achieve? Who would I get to be my new payee? Would they understand my need for more and more crystals and books? Would they let me get the second monitor I've dreamed of? Good God! What if I wound up homeless again?

It's actually a wonder I'm not scared to death to check my mail. A week after my wonderful letter from Ms. Montana, I received a letter from my doctor informing me that she had placed the order for my chemotherapy drugs. The drugs would be arriving at my pharmacy in about two weeks; and, I would be starting the treatments the following week. Gulp... I had known it was coming, but now it was a reality, and would be for the next fourty-two weeks. My anxiety reached maximum overdrive triggering a manic episode.

Actually, my memories of November and December are a bit vague and fuzzy. Some things I don't remember at all. I think that's probably a good thing. Thank God I had enough sense to pay November's rent before I grabbed my tiara and tore out the door. I won't go into the bizzare details, but the next thing I knew I was in detox. Dammit...

I've been fighting this thing for years now; and, if there's one thing I've definitely learned it's this: When I finally realize that I've been in an anxiety induced manic state; and I kind of know what the hell is REALLY happening, I have to pick myself up, clean myself off, and get busy trying to salvage and save anything I have left.

That's exactly what I did. I was relatively lucky this time. I did manage to save everything, but I lost yet another piece of my pride. It's been a helluva battle. I guess I should feel good about making it through this shit one more time.

I've faced eviction this month because I didn't get my January check until last week. I honestly think if I were to become homeless again, I'd die this time.

I also didn't think I'd make it through the first weeks of chemotherapy. It was like nothing I've ever had to endure. For days I had to sleep on trash bags because of uncontrollable diarrhea, shaking and sweating with fever. Thank God, once again, my body has adjusted somewhat to the drugs. I still have my bad days but not like at first.

Now, as if I hadn't been through enough, my kitchen sink is clogged, one of my living room windows is broken, and my computer has died the final death. WWWAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

I don't know if anyone can truly understand what my desktop computer at home means to me. It's my lifeline and main coping strategy. Now, without it, my small apartment is completely void of external stimuli. No TV, no radio, nada... The sounds from the hall, and the sounds of my neighbors in their apartments are all I have to listen to now. I know my anxiety is the cause, but at times, the clatter of life moving on around me, seems to amplify and intensify. It really gets tough sometimes, but I'm making it through it though. I'm hanging on.

But wait! I think I still have an old walkman packed away somewhere. I wonder if I have enough money for batteries? Ahh, this mortal realm...You gotta love it! Enjoy life...

Peephole Confession

Gio Black Peter

My Therapy Pet Has Tumors

The state of American mental health care is a sorry, sick, joke. I became dissatisfied with the services I was supposed to be receiving from my mental health care provider and their general "oh well" attitudes; so exercising my rights, I chose to "fire" them, and choose another association. I have been faced with brick wall after brick wall. I now find myself unmedicated, untreated, out here flying on my own. I keep telling myself that, hell, I was basically doing everything myself with my prior service provider anyway, that I'm doing pretty damned good, and to hang in there with my head low to the grindstone concentrating on the chemo and other issues I am trying to resolve. Still, I am aware that I am in a situation of great risk. I could easily experience a severe cycling, my behavior becoming bizarre, irrational, and volatile. I could loose everything I have worked for two and a half years to achieve. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it has really already happened to a certain extent. I really can't remember a lot of what happened during the last of November and a lot of December. I vaguely remember some of it. Man, I don't even want to go there right now...

I apologize for my mood and tone, but they mirror the current weather and my gloomy prospects for the near future. Outside my windows I see only a gray seattle-like day in a movie about an old grunge band. I'm actually listening to that kind of music as I write, knowing it doesn't help my dismal thoughts, but unable to help myself. It's the only thing that fits. Now, I've lost my train of thought and I guess maybe I might not have had one at all. Enjoy life...

And Days Of Uncertainty

"...a perfect example of a man being how he is because he's always telling himself the story of how he is." From: The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon, by Tom Spanbauer.

I haven't posted in quite awhile because these have indeed been days of uncertainty. I have had things going on in my life that I wasn't ready to deal with myself, much less put into a public forum. What better way could there be to take them out and honestly examine them than to bring them into the light of day; what better way is there to stop them from going round and round in my head like a hampster on an endless exercise wheel?

One of the first things that has really been bothering me is the way people with disabilities and mental illnesses are treated by people in authority. Health professionals, secretarys, bank officials, people who are trained in these matters and ought to know better. My concerns have been trivialized. I have been used and manipulated. Stolen from. Patronized. I'm really so very tired of it. It has happened even from people I thought I could trust and thought were my friends.

The way I was denied pain medication for a legitimate back injury because of my history of narcotics abuse. Unable to look past what was written in my history and into my eyes filled with pain and x-rays showing evidence of the cause. Legitimate medical complaints trivialized and thought to be a symptom of "hysteria" brought about by my problems with anxiety. Leaving a doctor's office feeling as though I had been "blown off" as another stereotypical nutcase, and knowing I hadn't even been heard by one person in that office because of their preconceived notions.

I start my inteferon injections and ribovarin treatment next Monday in an attempt to treat my Hepatitis C. I have a 50% chance of the treatment working and the process has serious side effects. I have to tell you I'm scared. I must tell you, the first thing one of us who suffer from addictions feels, when we're faced with such unpleasant emotions, is to get high and not feel at all. And that has happened to me recently unfortunately. I am tempted. For the first time in years I want to get so high I don't think about it. That scares me worst of all. I am slowly dying from this disease and what do I want to do but speed it along. And quite frankly I want to live.

I think now about all the years I've spent in therapy groups and counseling sessions listening to lectures on learning coping skills. I remember being so defiant, trying not to listen. Saying to myself, "This is a load of horseshit. This could never work. What a crock. These techniques won't work for me. My problems are far worse than the ones they are illustrating." Well, without my knowledge, and certainly without my consent, some of those very techniques seeped in. And I use them almost intuitively now. They have even adapted to my own particular circumstances, and evolved into new ones. Without them I would never make it.

My advice, for anyone reading this that might be starting or is involved in these type therapy sessions and who might be saying the very things I did is, "Shut up! Listen! Fight the idea if you must, but just sit there and listen. And go back and listen some more." One day you might find, as I did, that they just might help you help yourself live.

Enjoy life...

Days Looking Foward

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Oliver Wendell Holmes

Strength. Courage. Pride. Hope. Compassion. These are the things I strive for. Honesty. Integrity. Clarity of vision and thought. I'm certain in the past year I have attained a far greater measure of these qualities than ever before in my life. I suppose it was finally my time. It took a while coming that's for sure. I haven't achieved my full portion, but I'm gettin' closer everyday. It feels really good to finally be able to "feel" some results from all the hard work I've been doing. Continual self-examination and exploration. My true motivations. Focusing on the better parts of myself and weeding out the bad, bit by bit, almost like a sculptor.

I have to really hold on to what I've attained and not let it slip from my grasp. As I go through the coming year, I'll be faced with some serious effort that will require all I've learned. These newly aquired skills and elements are all tender shoots just starting to grow. Far from a mature harvesting age, yet my most important source of strength. Luckily I'm blessed with two of the most wonderful friends anyone could ever hope for. Deep, rich, loyal friendships that I can count on, not only for support but for compassion and understanding. They know what I value and strive for and continually help me hold on to and build to what I've achieved so far. Most importantly I think are their gifts of laughter that add bouyancy and light to counter my darker tendencies. They enjoy life, and they help me enjoy mine. Enjoy yours too...

Turn The Page

I have long held the belief that our concious perception of reality has an altering effect on the way our life unfolds. This is certainly not a new idea, or even one with profound mystical meanings. It's pretty much common sense. If you believe, or at least hope, that good things are going to happen, more than likely, they will. Likewise, if you have a pessimistic attitude, and always expect the worse, of course bad things will probably happen. I am facing two tough challenges in the next few weeks and months. Both have the potential to have very positive outcomes. One, however, has me very concerned. The end result is completely out of my hands. The only things I have control over are; my decision to take a chance on the challenge, and my ability to keep a positive attitude in order to get through it. I'll be starting an Inteferon/Ribovarin course of treatment very soon in hopes of curing my Hepatitis C. I have a 50/50 chance of it working.

Because of this, I've decided to change the focus and style of my blog. This will be the second time that I've changed direction since starting. A large part of my writing during the first month or two was done in journal style posts. I was working through some tough identity issues, a mid-life crisis of sorts, involving my religious beliefs and my sexuality. While writing, I came to what I felt was a healthy new awareness of myself. (And happily still feel that way) My "true-self" had always been there, but it had been suppressed, denied, and even reviled. With my own issues firmly in hand, I started addressing some of the political and humanitarian issues I felt were important. Now, since my earlier writing proved to be so therapeutic, I think it is important for me to withdraw from the larger, public arena, and focus once again on some of my own personal battles.

I look forward to making my first post in this new vein, ironically during a new moon. Enjoy life...

Think About It...

Happy Coming Out Day!!!

GUESS WHAT GUYS???
I'M GAY!!!

STRAIGHT OR GAY...

COME OUT...

COME OUT...

ENJOY THE DAY!!!

Are You Straight And Want To Support Your Gay Friends?

“I always wanted to be one of those people who would make things change for my gay friends – I just wasn’t sure how or where to do it.” Now You know...

Straight For Equality

pflag.org

National Coming Out Day

October 11th is almost here, and if you're planning on coming out, you might want to check out the resources at the Human Rights Campaign website.

There's Power In Remembering

I've been very busy with things and haven't had enough time to write. I have just enough time now to remind everyone that today is the 9th anniversary of the Matthew Shepard beating. Please take a moment to reflect on this young man, his family, and what his death has meant to us all. Check back later for my new posts and until then, enjoy life...

A Full Rich October

I've had a pretty hectic week or so and I'm afraid I've had no choice but to neglect my blog a little. I'm sure you understand, but still, I do apologize. I hope you guys know it really is important to me that you have something new to hopefully enjoy everytime you visit.

October has found us here in Asheville enjoying crisp, cool, beautiful weather. As a result, my taste in incense has made its traditional fall transition from the heady fragrances I usually burn to the more earthy, spicy ones. There are a few things going on today and throughout the month that I wanted to mention today.

October 1st has been named, World Hepatitis Awareness Day

The World Hepatitis Awareness Day, which takes place on October 1, 2006, aims to increase awareness about hepatitis B and C. The theme for this year is "Get Tested". Both forms of viral hepatitis can lead to cirrhosis, liver cancer and death. Almost 600 million people worldwide are infected, yet hepatitis B can be prevented through immunisation and, in many cases, hepatitis C can be cured.

Take a moment and visit this site for more information. You do want to stay alive, right?

Hep-Links

October, as many of you already know, is GLBT History Month. In January of 1994, Rodney Wilson, a high school teacher in Missouri, was upset about the lack of gay and lesbian history from textbooks. He organized community leaders and teachers to educate the public about gay and lesbian historical figures and events. A nation-wide grassroots network began to work on an education and celebration campaign that continues into today. The month of October was chosen in order to commemorate the anniversaries of the first two gay and lesbian marches on Washington, October 1979, which drew over 200,000, and October 1987, which drew over 500,000 and had the first public viewing of the NAMES Project AIDS Quilt. GLBT History Month was endorsed by GLAAD, HRC, the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, and other national organizations. In July of 1995, the National Education Association voted to support the concept as well.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender people have a rich culture, and heritage that has not been spoken of, and has been hidden far too long. We finally have a voice that can be spoken proudly in the light of day. Take a moment to visit the following site, and bookmark it so you can return throughout the month. equalityforum.com

Because of its importance, I had wanted to address this topic first. I had problems with formatting and the video though, and had to place it here. (Ignorance is not always bliss...) Coming out is the single most important stage in any gay person's life. Although liberating and mind/world expanding, the process can sometimes be troubling and even traumatic. Luckily, today there are resources that can help.

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. The first big step is of course the hardest, but as those of us that are out know, the coming out process will continue throughout our lives. I find myself having to come out in one fashion or another almost on a daily basis, so the 11th doesn't have to be just for the newbies. We can all join in on this life-affirming day. The HRC has put together the absolute best resources for those of you thinking of coming out for the first time. They also have a unique project underway that is explained in the following video. You can find many viewer responses on YouTube. Please take a moment to watch, and as always...enjoy life!

What Do You Think?

If any of you have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I've had some struggles with religion. I recently read a synopsis of Richard Dawkin's book, The God Delusion, and although I don't consider myself to be an atheist, I found that I shared quite a few of his ideas. After seeing a video of a lecture he did in Lynchburg, Virginia, I was even more convinced in a lot he was saying.

This must be the year of the Atheist, because not long after discovering Dawkin's book and lecture, I ran across the author Christopher Hitchens on a talk show promoting his book, God Is Not Great. It seemed his ideas were less based on science and reason and more on personal opinion, but still, I found myself following and agreeing with what he was saying.

I ordered both books, and I just received my copy of Hitchens' book. As I started reading, it made me remember a disturbing story I read on the abc news blog. It kind of scared the s*** out of me, and made me realize that Christian fundamentalists (and all religions for that matter) are trying to encourage armageddon, they are racing to get there with fire and blood in their eyes. They can't wait for the end of the earth, not only so they can reap their just and heavenly rewards, but so they'll be proven right. "See There? We tried to tell you heathens! Now, all 'a' ya'll are gonna burn in hell!"

What if all of these fools are wrong? All the end-time prophecies could be nothing more than myth and superstition. They could be forcing us into something that doesn't even have to happen. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. What do you think?

Enjoy life guys while we can...