And Days Of Uncertainty

"...a perfect example of a man being how he is because he's always telling himself the story of how he is." From: The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon, by Tom Spanbauer.

I haven't posted in quite awhile because these have indeed been days of uncertainty. I have had things going on in my life that I wasn't ready to deal with myself, much less put into a public forum. What better way could there be to take them out and honestly examine them than to bring them into the light of day; what better way is there to stop them from going round and round in my head like a hampster on an endless exercise wheel?

One of the first things that has really been bothering me is the way people with disabilities and mental illnesses are treated by people in authority. Health professionals, secretarys, bank officials, people who are trained in these matters and ought to know better. My concerns have been trivialized. I have been used and manipulated. Stolen from. Patronized. I'm really so very tired of it. It has happened even from people I thought I could trust and thought were my friends.

The way I was denied pain medication for a legitimate back injury because of my history of narcotics abuse. Unable to look past what was written in my history and into my eyes filled with pain and x-rays showing evidence of the cause. Legitimate medical complaints trivialized and thought to be a symptom of "hysteria" brought about by my problems with anxiety. Leaving a doctor's office feeling as though I had been "blown off" as another stereotypical nutcase, and knowing I hadn't even been heard by one person in that office because of their preconceived notions.

I start my inteferon injections and ribovarin treatment next Monday in an attempt to treat my Hepatitis C. I have a 50% chance of the treatment working and the process has serious side effects. I have to tell you I'm scared. I must tell you, the first thing one of us who suffer from addictions feels, when we're faced with such unpleasant emotions, is to get high and not feel at all. And that has happened to me recently unfortunately. I am tempted. For the first time in years I want to get so high I don't think about it. That scares me worst of all. I am slowly dying from this disease and what do I want to do but speed it along. And quite frankly I want to live.

I think now about all the years I've spent in therapy groups and counseling sessions listening to lectures on learning coping skills. I remember being so defiant, trying not to listen. Saying to myself, "This is a load of horseshit. This could never work. What a crock. These techniques won't work for me. My problems are far worse than the ones they are illustrating." Well, without my knowledge, and certainly without my consent, some of those very techniques seeped in. And I use them almost intuitively now. They have even adapted to my own particular circumstances, and evolved into new ones. Without them I would never make it.

My advice, for anyone reading this that might be starting or is involved in these type therapy sessions and who might be saying the very things I did is, "Shut up! Listen! Fight the idea if you must, but just sit there and listen. And go back and listen some more." One day you might find, as I did, that they just might help you help yourself live.

Enjoy life...

Days Looking Foward

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Oliver Wendell Holmes

Strength. Courage. Pride. Hope. Compassion. These are the things I strive for. Honesty. Integrity. Clarity of vision and thought. I'm certain in the past year I have attained a far greater measure of these qualities than ever before in my life. I suppose it was finally my time. It took a while coming that's for sure. I haven't achieved my full portion, but I'm gettin' closer everyday. It feels really good to finally be able to "feel" some results from all the hard work I've been doing. Continual self-examination and exploration. My true motivations. Focusing on the better parts of myself and weeding out the bad, bit by bit, almost like a sculptor.

I have to really hold on to what I've attained and not let it slip from my grasp. As I go through the coming year, I'll be faced with some serious effort that will require all I've learned. These newly aquired skills and elements are all tender shoots just starting to grow. Far from a mature harvesting age, yet my most important source of strength. Luckily I'm blessed with two of the most wonderful friends anyone could ever hope for. Deep, rich, loyal friendships that I can count on, not only for support but for compassion and understanding. They know what I value and strive for and continually help me hold on to and build to what I've achieved so far. Most importantly I think are their gifts of laughter that add bouyancy and light to counter my darker tendencies. They enjoy life, and they help me enjoy mine. Enjoy yours too...

Turn The Page

I have long held the belief that our concious perception of reality has an altering effect on the way our life unfolds. This is certainly not a new idea, or even one with profound mystical meanings. It's pretty much common sense. If you believe, or at least hope, that good things are going to happen, more than likely, they will. Likewise, if you have a pessimistic attitude, and always expect the worse, of course bad things will probably happen. I am facing two tough challenges in the next few weeks and months. Both have the potential to have very positive outcomes. One, however, has me very concerned. The end result is completely out of my hands. The only things I have control over are; my decision to take a chance on the challenge, and my ability to keep a positive attitude in order to get through it. I'll be starting an Inteferon/Ribovarin course of treatment very soon in hopes of curing my Hepatitis C. I have a 50/50 chance of it working.

Because of this, I've decided to change the focus and style of my blog. This will be the second time that I've changed direction since starting. A large part of my writing during the first month or two was done in journal style posts. I was working through some tough identity issues, a mid-life crisis of sorts, involving my religious beliefs and my sexuality. While writing, I came to what I felt was a healthy new awareness of myself. (And happily still feel that way) My "true-self" had always been there, but it had been suppressed, denied, and even reviled. With my own issues firmly in hand, I started addressing some of the political and humanitarian issues I felt were important. Now, since my earlier writing proved to be so therapeutic, I think it is important for me to withdraw from the larger, public arena, and focus once again on some of my own personal battles.

I look forward to making my first post in this new vein, ironically during a new moon. Enjoy life...

Think About It...

Happy Coming Out Day!!!

GUESS WHAT GUYS???
I'M GAY!!!

STRAIGHT OR GAY...

COME OUT...

COME OUT...

ENJOY THE DAY!!!

Are You Straight And Want To Support Your Gay Friends?

“I always wanted to be one of those people who would make things change for my gay friends – I just wasn’t sure how or where to do it.” Now You know...

Straight For Equality

pflag.org

National Coming Out Day

October 11th is almost here, and if you're planning on coming out, you might want to check out the resources at the Human Rights Campaign website.

There's Power In Remembering

I've been very busy with things and haven't had enough time to write. I have just enough time now to remind everyone that today is the 9th anniversary of the Matthew Shepard beating. Please take a moment to reflect on this young man, his family, and what his death has meant to us all. Check back later for my new posts and until then, enjoy life...

A Full Rich October

I've had a pretty hectic week or so and I'm afraid I've had no choice but to neglect my blog a little. I'm sure you understand, but still, I do apologize. I hope you guys know it really is important to me that you have something new to hopefully enjoy everytime you visit.

October has found us here in Asheville enjoying crisp, cool, beautiful weather. As a result, my taste in incense has made its traditional fall transition from the heady fragrances I usually burn to the more earthy, spicy ones. There are a few things going on today and throughout the month that I wanted to mention today.

October 1st has been named, World Hepatitis Awareness Day

The World Hepatitis Awareness Day, which takes place on October 1, 2006, aims to increase awareness about hepatitis B and C. The theme for this year is "Get Tested". Both forms of viral hepatitis can lead to cirrhosis, liver cancer and death. Almost 600 million people worldwide are infected, yet hepatitis B can be prevented through immunisation and, in many cases, hepatitis C can be cured.

Take a moment and visit this site for more information. You do want to stay alive, right?

Hep-Links

October, as many of you already know, is GLBT History Month. In January of 1994, Rodney Wilson, a high school teacher in Missouri, was upset about the lack of gay and lesbian history from textbooks. He organized community leaders and teachers to educate the public about gay and lesbian historical figures and events. A nation-wide grassroots network began to work on an education and celebration campaign that continues into today. The month of October was chosen in order to commemorate the anniversaries of the first two gay and lesbian marches on Washington, October 1979, which drew over 200,000, and October 1987, which drew over 500,000 and had the first public viewing of the NAMES Project AIDS Quilt. GLBT History Month was endorsed by GLAAD, HRC, the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, and other national organizations. In July of 1995, the National Education Association voted to support the concept as well.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender people have a rich culture, and heritage that has not been spoken of, and has been hidden far too long. We finally have a voice that can be spoken proudly in the light of day. Take a moment to visit the following site, and bookmark it so you can return throughout the month. equalityforum.com

Because of its importance, I had wanted to address this topic first. I had problems with formatting and the video though, and had to place it here. (Ignorance is not always bliss...) Coming out is the single most important stage in any gay person's life. Although liberating and mind/world expanding, the process can sometimes be troubling and even traumatic. Luckily, today there are resources that can help.

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. The first big step is of course the hardest, but as those of us that are out know, the coming out process will continue throughout our lives. I find myself having to come out in one fashion or another almost on a daily basis, so the 11th doesn't have to be just for the newbies. We can all join in on this life-affirming day. The HRC has put together the absolute best resources for those of you thinking of coming out for the first time. They also have a unique project underway that is explained in the following video. You can find many viewer responses on YouTube. Please take a moment to watch, and as always...enjoy life!

What Do You Think?

If any of you have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I've had some struggles with religion. I recently read a synopsis of Richard Dawkin's book, The God Delusion, and although I don't consider myself to be an atheist, I found that I shared quite a few of his ideas. After seeing a video of a lecture he did in Lynchburg, Virginia, I was even more convinced in a lot he was saying.

This must be the year of the Atheist, because not long after discovering Dawkin's book and lecture, I ran across the author Christopher Hitchens on a talk show promoting his book, God Is Not Great. It seemed his ideas were less based on science and reason and more on personal opinion, but still, I found myself following and agreeing with what he was saying.

I ordered both books, and I just received my copy of Hitchens' book. As I started reading, it made me remember a disturbing story I read on the abc news blog. It kind of scared the s*** out of me, and made me realize that Christian fundamentalists (and all religions for that matter) are trying to encourage armageddon, they are racing to get there with fire and blood in their eyes. They can't wait for the end of the earth, not only so they can reap their just and heavenly rewards, but so they'll be proven right. "See There? We tried to tell you heathens! Now, all 'a' ya'll are gonna burn in hell!"

What if all of these fools are wrong? All the end-time prophecies could be nothing more than myth and superstition. They could be forcing us into something that doesn't even have to happen. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. What do you think?

Enjoy life guys while we can...

Reality Continues To Ruin My Life

Wow, this week has really gotten off to a rough start. How about you guys? I had heard that the upcoming full moon was to be a chaotic one but had paid little attention. I'm beginning to believe they were right. I have to admit that I have no idea who to credit for the picture today. If anyone knows who the artist is, or if you're the artist and object to my using your work, please let me know and I'll promptly remove it. The title of today's post, although I'd love to take credit for it, is a quote from Calvin and Hobbes.

I think I'll leave you with another quote today. Later On...Enjoy Life...

"The way we imagine ourselves to appear to another person is an essential element in our conception of ourselves. In other words, I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am." Robert Bierstedt

Dystopium

Erlend Mork

My Neuroses Repertoire

This evening I accidentally fell asleep while attempting to read, Alternatives to Sex by Stephen McCauley. There's a joke in there somewhere. Anyway, when I woke up I felt like, "Oh no, I didn't mean to do that. Something has happened on the internet and I missed it. I just know it. Someone has posted something and I haven't read it." I suddenly realized I had added some new neuroses to my already impressive repertoire.

I believe these new internet obsessions and compulsions started when I began to blog. The creation of this blog had an instant effect on my way of thinking, and it still does, but to a lesser degree. Everything I experienced throughout the day became a possible topic. I began to think in fragmented lines of text and dialogue. I wanted to post and share every photo, piece of art, poem, or quote I found. I became keenly aware of 12AM. Around 9PM I would begin to feel a sense of urgency. Had I published a post that day? How many posts have I written? For the longest time my sense of self-worth was affected by my blog statistics. If there was a decline in the number of visits I became worried and questioned myself. I've lightened up a lot though since I started.

My introduction to Google Reader has had its effect as well. I think this is where my feelings of missing something come. It's also caused me to have a fear of high numbers. If I have more than 40 items in any one particular folder I get a little antsy. I must not get behind, I must stay on top of all the latest happenings in all the areas I'm interested in. Being seemingly interested in everything makes it rather difficult.

I have found that I have another problem concerning this blog. I think it's a major reason why I haven't published many posts lately. I'm afraid I've been spending so much time reading other people's blogs on how to blog and how to write better that I haven't been writing myself. I'm going to see if I can't rectify this quandary. Enjoy life...

Town Mountain Evening

Jeff Pittman

Round And Round

I guess it's pretty obvious by my lack of posts the last several days that I've had yet another run of "bad" days. I just keep trying to remember the old song, "Blue skies are gonna clear up, so put on a happy face..." Sounded good before I put it in writing, now it looks pretty retarded.

Anyway, Thanks to the remains of hurricane Humberto, Asheville got some much needed rain last night and today. It's actually been kind of chilly too. I cut my fans off for the first time in months and actually woke up last night shivering. I'm a little disappointed that drum circle had to be cancelled though.

I can always fallback on my butterfly book I guess. Since I last spoke of it, I've discovered quite a few really unusual and amusing bits of butterfly trivia. I think probably in the near future I'll devote an entire post on butterflies. Until then I'll give you one tidbit so you won't die of anticipation or anything.

The Queen Alexandra's Birdwing from Papua New Guinea holds the record for the world's largest butterfly with a wing span of up to 11 inches. Can you imagine? I have GOT to see one of these before I die. What a trip...Enjoy life...

Babbling As I Wake Up

My usual method of waking up in the mornings consists of caffeine, nicotine, emails, and stumbling around the internet. Probably not too healthy, but hey, it works for me. This morning I ran across a bit of trivia. "Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin." Since dust is the bane of my existence I was slightly alarmed and just a bit sickened by this. Now I don't want to go to bed tonight, or tomorrow morning, or if ever again.

My thoughts wander back to drum circle last night. There was such a positive energy in the air. After my friend Poofy tricked me into getting out into the sweaty throng of people dancing, (I really hesitate to call it dancing...it's so much more...it sounds trite, but it really is becoming one with the changing beat of the drummers...the beat takes on certain elemental qualities...)

Okay, I'm sorry, I got a little carried away there. Back to what I was saying, after dancing, I decided to rest on one of the low brick walls that surround the perimeter of the park.

I was sitting there, still very focused and into the drums, and absently watching a small group of children playing around a tree near me. One little girl kept catching my eye. She had on the sweetest little fairylike dress and she was dancing and twirling around like a tiny ballerina. I could imagine her pretending to be one, or a woodsprite, or a fairy, or a muse. God, there I go again. I can get so lost in these thoughts sometimes.

My attention had gone back to the dancers and I hadn't noticed that the little girl had jumped up on the wall and was flittering along the length of it. When she got to me, an obvious obstruction in her path, she patted me gently on the head; A transference of gentleness and innocence occured. I looked up.

"Excuse me..." she said.
Without hesitation I replied, "Certainly..." and hopped of the wall.
She danced along her merry way.
Within a minute I saw her dancing back.
She looked at me... I looked at her...
I hopped of the wall again with a grin.

Enjoy life...

And So It Goes...Who Said That?

Okay, so I'm still here. Oh wow, there you are too! Obviously the link in my last post was just for shock value and the article it led to totally ridiculous. I know that I'm the only one here and the rest of you are an illusion done with mirrors. The only thing I can't figure out is how the interaction stuff is done...

Earlier today I decided to take a nice Labor Day nap so I grabbed my butterfly book and off to the couch we went. You know the entomologists that name butterflies have minds like mine. Well, their creative aspect anyway...Listen to these: The Striped Policeman, The Gaudy Commodore, The Swarthy Skipper, The Common Jezebel, The Himalayan Jester, The Hermit, Wizard, Wanderer, and Dogface, The Hoary Comma, and The Big Greasy Butterfly. The "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larson even has one named after him.

The naturalist Sharman Apt Russell wrote of the genus Heliconius' exceptional memory. According to him, "They remember favorite flowers and roosting sites, and remember to hold a grudge, avoiding spots where some scientist captured them days earlier." That's as far as I got before my nap monkey got me.

Now that I've managed to wrestle my monkey into submission, I realize that traditionally, with this Labor Day's passing, the summer of 2007 fades away too. Ahh, I'll remember it well... I'm sure a lot of you will be relieved to see me make mention of an actual time continuum. I bet I'll even be here tomorrow. I hope you will be as well. Enjoy life...

Erlend Mork

Erlend Mork

Delusional Bullshit And Your Enabling Psychotherapist

A local independant news, arts, and events publication runs a quirky, freewill horoscope column that I usually read. The paper comes out on Wednesday, and I'm just now getting around to reading it. That's okay though because hindsight is of course 20/20 and I usually prefer viewing things that way. Besides, foresight has never been my particular forte. I thought I'd share this week's forcast.

Aries...
"Here's how you can tell if you have a bad psychotherapist or counselor," says my friend Laura. "She or he buys into all your bullshit, never questions your delusions, and builds your self-esteem even if that makes you into an asshole." I agree with Laura's assessment, which is why I'm going to spend our short time together today calling you on your bullshit, prodding you to get introspective about your delusions, and not pumping up the parts of your ego that really should be melted down. Next week maybe we'll get back to gazing adoringly into each other's eyes, but right now you'll benefit from some tough love.

Delusions? Moi? Okay, maybe I do have just a few. In my own defense though, all I want is to be happy. If a few delusions help me do that, I ask you, what's wrong with that? So what if some of my delusions are a bit irrational and cause me to act totally weird sometimes? I'm not hurting anybody. Well, now that I think about it, I may tax a few people's tiny minds when they try to figure out where I'm coming from. Sounds like bullshit, huh? Just a puff of inflation in the old ego too. Maybe there's really something to these horoscopes. Go figure. I think I will. Okay let's go. Enjoy life...

The Hand Of Fate Within Us All

I've been publishing posts over the past week and a half without really mentioning what was going on with me out here in the real world. I guess I was so caught up in trying to fight the flames I didn't really want to talk about the house that was burning. It was really looking like the forces of the universe had turned on me.

I think it all started with a silly spider about a month ago...

For over a year I've had a tee-tiny spider living in the corner of one of my windowsills. Every few days I'd notice that he, or maybe it was a she, had built up a tee-tiny web of a tee-tiny kingdom. No biggy, I would just dust the windowsill and go about my merry way. This went on for longer than I can remember until one day I thought, "What the hell, I'll just let him have his little world there and leave him alone." His webs were never really all that and I decided to call a truce by no longer dusting my windowsills. So I let him be.

One day about a month ago I just happened to notice. With newfound peace in his realm, Sire Spider had expanded the borders of his kingdom and had embellished his former land. I was like, "O, lord...I can't leave all that...what would the neighbors think..." I grabbed a cloth and wiped it out. At the last minute noticing that I was getting Sire Tee-Tiny Spider as well. I knew instantly that I shouldn't have done it. Remorse swept over me. I had an epiphany of sorts...It's just like my life...Just when I think I've got it goin' on...BAM...the hand of fate wipes me out too.

Okay, call me silly. I may have read too many trite fairy tales as a child (and a few as an adult as well). But have you ever seen the movie NeverWas? You haven't? God, go get it tomorrow...After you've seen it, then I'll rest my case.

That was the beginning of a chain of unfortunate circumstances that I'm glad to say I've almost come to the end of. I'm publishing this post on my computer that is virtually a slate wiped completely clean. One of the circumstances I just mentioned involved deleting the RAID O Volume on my hard drives, re-creating it, and reinstalling my Operating System. I knew I shouldn't have killed that poor tee-tiny spider.

I'm off to burn some sage now. I haven't said it in awhile, so I think it's long overdue...Enjoy life...